Welcome, dearies, to the Smash Rumba! I thank you for stepping into this dark, gruesome tale. Before you launch yourself into this grand, frightful tale, please heed these warnings. As all of my work does, this adventure features the concept of boy/boy love. If you're uncomfortable with two men loving one another, for whatever reason, then you're free to take your leave.
I shall state the warnings again. If you're the least bit allergic to boy/boy love, or the idea of Snake loving a guy, then I will present one last push for you to leave. Please do not leave a review stating your obvious dislike for any of those concepts. I am also not a fan of the 'that's nice, but that character would never act like that, according to Game A' reviews, as a very dear friend of mine attained one-and I fought it rather unfair. If you want what's stated in the game/movie/show, then stop reading fanfiction and go straight to your source of info!
THANK YOU FOR PAYING ATTENTION!
Disclaimer: I own only my dreams. Got it memorized?
Good morrow, dear kids and children! It is I, the fantastic Captain Douglas Falcon! You may recognize me as the sexiest Smasher in the bunch, or you may know me as the world's sexiest and hottest racer. How can you not know me? I've only been in every Smash season to date, and I race the sexiest car around! Think the Smash Committee's gonna take me out anytime soon? I think not!
Now then, adoring fans. Earlier in the year, I conducted research on Smash stereotypes. Some of you might recognize me as the esteemed author of Smashtypes! I have returned with even more research, to prove just how amazing the Smash fandom really is! Frolic with me, children, as the day blossoms in all of its glory! Together we'll discover the uncharted lands of Smash! Tally ho!
Oh yeah. If you're gonna follow along, you have to know where the action's taking place. I gathered information on the popular settings for Smash fiction, and with that information, I created the most incredible environment for our Smashers! Behold, audience, as I reveal to you-
"The Smash Spot? You've got to be kidding me!"
Zero Suit Samus is, without a doubt, the most gorgeous babe known to mankind. Fan fic authors usually have her stuck with Snake, but she'll forever be my fox-trottin' mama. She's totally hawt when she's annoyed. "We can't stay here! The name of this place sounds like a strip joint!"
"Don't worry about it," the captain of the Star Fox team said. He's not one of the popular Smashers, but he hangs in there. I think he's just a decoration for the Brawl roster. Wolf and Falco are with him, but come on. Who pays attention to any of 'em? The only Smashers anyone ever cares about are Marth, Zelda and Ike! Pit, surprisingly, seems to have fallen out of favor. The babe-a-licious Samus hasn't appeared that often, but whenever she does, she's stuck with either Zelda or Snake.
Hmmm. What interesting developments! My research has changed the way school textbooks change their covers, rendering the previous editions obsolete! The winds of fate didn't allow me to predict the birth of the Zelda/Samus couple, and I never saw Pit's downfall! So much has happened since my first batch of research. Why, I remember the days when I was just a little child. My parents bought me the cutest little toy car, and-
"Nobody would come to a strip joint in the middle of nowhere. It looks like we'd fall into oblivion if we stepped outside."
"The way our lives are going, it's like we're already in oblivion," Samus groaned, slapping a hand to her forehead. "And who's the moron standing next to Snake?"
Solid Snake, the biggest, baddest bad butt in all of history, doesn't have too much of a rep in the Smash fandom-let alone the Metal Gear Solid fandom. My research states that he's commonly depicted as a boring lump in the mud. As a favor to moi, he's playing the part well! "It's the bimbo I was sent to save," he grumbled, rolling his eyes. "After I took down Laughing Stock, I found her sitting in a corner. Says her name is Princess Odette."
Her name was Odette indeed. She was totally, incredibly, inexplicably beautiful-much more beautiful than your dog, your toaster, and your car all put together. Not even the Christmas tree you're going to buy will compare to her beauty! With her pouty lips, sweet sapphire eyes, and an hourglass figure, she stands against all that stand in her way! "Good afternoon, everyone," she said, and the heavens parted. Sunshine poured from the crystal blue ether, accompanied by the most beautiful birdsong imaginable.
"The legendary Solid Snake brought me into your presence. He rescued me from the evil Laughing Stock, who has taken over my home planet. The planet Phados has been drawn into overwhelming darkness, my dear friends, and so I am in distress. I need your powers to save my people!"
While Pikachu, Bowser and Link burst into tears, Prince Marth Lowell of Altea (some would say the Prince of Horseback Riding, but I'll leave that explanation to Ike) turned to Snake. "Aren't you supposed to be gearing up for your next roles?" the blue-haired maiden asked.
Oh crap. Wait a minute. Marth's a babe, but he's not a girl-babe. He's a guy-babe. I live in a babe-a-licious world! Perhaps I should try shacking up with Marth, since Samus is always saddled with either Zelda or Snake. But there might be a problem, since Ike's always shagging Marth.
I know! We could have a foursome! It'll be between me, Marth and Ike! Perfection!
"What roles are you talking about, dumbass?" Snake growled, slumping against the nearest wall. Man, did he look like an amazing bad boy. The cig sticking out of his mouth really brought the picture to life! "I'm not doing anything, other than tapping a few asses and blowin' down a few bases."
"I think he was referring to your roles in the Songstress' tales," Samus put in, glaring at the blindingly beautiful Odette. Birds were dancing around the Princess of Phados, blessed by her extraordinary beauty. "The Songstress sees fit to use Snake as the center of her stories, and in those stories, he isn't the brainless jackhole we have before us. A few other authors see fit to give him a brain, but they aren't too popular in this stupid fandom. AND WHY WON'T THOSE IDIOTS STOP CRYING?!"
Oh no, children! Were Bowser, Pikachu and Link sobbing over the tragic-ness of Odette's beautiful story?! Were they heartbroken over the trauma of her people?! Did they wish to aid the planet Phados?!
"We're just so sad," the King of Koopas whimpered, wiping at his eyes. "Her story was just so boring, we had to cry! Bwaaaheehahoooo!"
"Anybody got any orders for me to fulfill?" Snake asked, taking a few puffs. Man, that candied cigarette must've tasted like gumdrops. "I'm waitin' here, and the great Snake doesn't like to be kept waiting. Tell me to whack a few nutjobs, and I'll get right on it."
"I'll tell you who you can whack," Navi the fairy snarled, flitting and fluttering about in a fluttering frenzy! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right?
Is that even how the saying goes?
"You can whack that hussy of a princess right there! She's stealing my boyfriend!"
Odette, wrapped in heavenly birdsong, stepped forward. Wind built up underneath her, highlighting her amazing glory. "Link has given his heart to me, demon," she said, blessing the Strip Spot with her voice. Lightning rose around her body in ribbons, and in seconds, she was airborne! "I shall not allow you to toy with him any longer! THUNDER FISSURE!"
"FAIRY METEOR!"
And just like that, a meteoric battle began between the hussy and the fairy! Meteors were thrust against bolts of lightning, battle cries pierced the thunderous winds-things really heated up in the Smash Joint! I wish you were around to check out the action!
Tears streaming from his eyes, Link rushed into the fray. "Naaaaaaavi! Don't! Don't do this! Just stop this, right now!"
"NO! I won't stand down! Your love is mine, and that's that! No glittery witch is going to steal you away from me!"
"Naaaaaaavi! I love you! I'll forever love you! Don't do this! You don't have to fight her!"
Falco's face lit up like a casino machine. "Hey! This is the most excitement we've seen in this fandom! Why hasn't anyone written anything about Link and Navi?"
"Because the pairing's just gross, you inexplicable moron!" Samus growled, hands balled into fists. Could she be any sexier? "People are already idiotic enough with the Marth/Ike pairing!"
Fox pointed to the Altean prince. "Speaking of...why's Marth down on one knee?"
"MARTH! THIS PROJECT DOESN'T HAVE AN 'M' RATING!"
"I'm not going to perform the task you think I'm going to perform," the Altean prince said in his own defense, smiling mischievously at Samus. Ike was only a centimeter away from him, so who could blame her for thinking with such a dirty, kinky mind? Man, I wish she'd perform a-
"He's going to perform what samurais call 'hara kiri'," the swordsman of Crimea explained, folding his arms. Samus dropped her foxy wrath and exchanged it with adorable confusion.
"If that's even the right term, doesn't that mean 'suicide'?"
"It most certainly does," Marth replied cheerily, beaming. "If I'm doomed to love Ike, and if Ike's doomed to a life of monotony, then I shall end everything here and now!"
Well, everything kinda ended, but not in the way Marth expected. Everything ended in a flash of light. If you wanna know where the flash of light came from, ask Navi and Odette.
Dedicated to Violence and Rainbows, who composed a knock-out story about Mary Sues in the Smash fandom. One-time reviewer, long-time friend. XD
Thanks for checking this little ditty out! If you're interested in submitting any type of feedback, make sure you're tolerant of boy/boy yumminess. MAKE SURE YOU'RE TOLERANT OF BOY/BOY LOVE.
Feel free to check out my profile for further attractions. Thanks for stopping by! I hope you enjoyed yourself!
