A/N This is the story of me, Chelsea, and my partner, Allie, in the Mary-Sue department. We take care of all those nasty Mary-Sues in His Dark Materials, and they can get pretty ugly when they think they can be better then the witches or something like that. This chapter is about how we came to be in this department, so, enjoy!

Disclaimer: We own ourselves, and even in that sense, our parents can still tell us what to do. His Dark Materials

belongs to the wonderful author Philip Pullman, and Jay and Acacia own PPC and anything related. We are also happy to note that we do not own the story, which belongs to Scarlet-Sword. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Fate Will Never Agree With You

Chelsea, a soon-to-be agent in the PPC, was running with her partner, Allie, to the office of the Sunflower Official.

"Is this it?" asked Allie. They had run a long way, and gotten lost more then a few times.

"Pretty sure," said Chelsea.

"You're pretty sure?"

"Do you see any maps? That person over there said down here somewhere."

"Whatever, just go in."

They walked inside the room.

"Hello?" called Allie. "Anyone here?"

Over here, said a voice. The two girls looked at the Sunflower Official in surprise. They thought the other agents were joking when they said he was a Sunflower!

You two have been assigned to the Department of Mary-Sues. Congratulations. Your job is to rid the His Dark Materials Sections of Mary-Sues.

"Yes!" said Allie. "I was hoping for that." Anyone who knew Allie knew that the His Dark Materials series was her favorite.

Grab a pamphlet on your way out and read it. Your new room is downstairs. Good-luck. He seemed to say it with a tinge of evilness though.

"Is it just me," said Chelsea as they walked out, "or did he sound slightly evil towards the end?"

"He sounded slightly evil at the end," agreed Allie.

"Oh good, then it wasn't just me."

They walked out of the office and downstairs, into the room in which they would spend the remainder of their time with the PPC.

"Looks comfy," said Allie. "Beanbag chair!" She ran and jumped into it.

"Yay! My CD's are already here!" Chelsea grabbed her CD player and started listening to Evanescence when. . .

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

"ARG!" screamed Chelsea, who was standing right next to the computer.

"That better not be our morning wake up call," said Allie. She got up and checked the computer. "They're starting us off easy; this fic is only a chapter long so far."

"Good," said Chelsea. "I need to get back and 'fix' the computer when we're done." Allie made a mental note to hide anything heavy, flammable, and sharp from her partner when they got back.

"What shall we be?" asked Chelsea.

"Just witches," said Allie, looking at the computer. "What kind of Dæmon do you want?" asked Allie. "I'm going to have a red fox."

"Sirius dog!" said Chelsea. Allie rolled her eyes; did she even have to ask?

"This shouldn't be too hard," Chelsea said as they walked through the portal that Allie opened. "Oh dear. . ."

She had returned to her clan just in time. The witches were having a huge festival. As she walked into the fire-lit circle of witches, Serifina Pekkela embraced her.

"Sabina Surstone!" She exclaimed passionately, "I'm glad you came here in time," She gave Sabina a knowing look. Sabina was always out flying just for the heck of it.

The agents hid behind a conveniently placed pillar.

"I'm afraid to ask," muttered Chelsea as she pointed the Canon Accuracy Device at Serefina Pekkala: 59.1% CHARACTER RUPTURE!

"Flying just for the heck of it?" One could tell just by looking at Allie's face that she already wanted this Sue to die a horrible and painful death.

"And let's see how many times the author can use her name in one paragraph!"

"Oh dear. . ."

She descended into the dimly lit atmosphere; closed her eyes, and took a deep breath of the warm air. Tyrondelor, feeling more relaxed, turned into his favorite shape, a silver wolf.

"A silver wolf," stated Allie. "I've heard of gray wolves, but silver?"

"Uh-oh, I suddenly feel squished," said Chelsea.

"Remember to separate your paragraphs!" yelled Allie, which attracted a few stares, but not many.

She stopped, looking at all of her clothes, which were all black, except for some purples and dark blues. She was indeed wearing her favorite outfit at the moment which was a black and purple belly top, and a black and purple skirt with her knee high purple boots.

"And what is she wearing?!" yelled Allie.

"I introduce to you the Gothic Witch!" said Chelsea, attracting a quick look from Sabina.

"You sometimes wonder if the author's even know canon," muttered Allie.

"I get her clothes," said Chelsea. "I actually think they are quite cool, just not canon for a witch."

Allie rolled her eyes, "I worry for you Chelsea, and I also wonder if you've talked to Sarah at any point during this day."

"This morning."

"That explains it."

Witches were supposed to wear all black anyway, so she would have to for the festival, which, she sill didn't know what was about.

"Do I even want to ask what this festival is about?" Allie asked dully.

"Let's just ignore it," said Chelsea, looking at the Words. "Apparently Serififina Pekkela adopted her."

"Who's that?" asked Allie with a disgusted look on her face.

"Misspelled, but I think she meant Serafina Pekkala," Chelsea shook her head.

"What's the His Dark Materials equivalent of a mini-balrog?"

"No idea. Mini-Harpie?"

"Hum. . ."

"My fair daemon, what shall you be on this fine occasion?" She asked mockingly. Tyro laughed. "I think a ferret shall fit me," They both put on stern faces, to only start laughing tree seconds later.

Chelsea frowned, "I don't get it. And I never thought people actually had a formal type of animal, if you know what I mean. And how old is she anyway? Don't Dæmon stop changing at around 13? And what the heck is a tree second? A second for a tree?"

Allie started walking towards her 'bedroom' with the red fox behind her. "She's done enough damage; I'm going to kill her now."

Chelsea ran up and grabbed her dress, "There's still one more!" she said. Allie glared at Chelsea. "Fine."

Someone knocked on her door. "Sabina we're starting," Serifina called. Sabina straightened herself and strode out, Tyro on her shoulder. She felt a presence walk up next to her and turned to see Jared Skadi. Ruta Skadi's infamous son. Ruta standing next to him, and Serifina on her right.

"I use four word sentences. I have no depth. I failed English," mocked Chelsea.

"Since when does she have a son?" asked Allie as she glared at the group. 

"Since Serafina Pekkala adopted that bitch," answered Chelsea.

Jared was grim faced, and she could tell he didn't want to be here.

"Neither do we," both the agents said.

He turned to face her and she glared at him. They had been rivals since the first day they had met. Not that she didn't like Ruta Skadi, but Jared had always tried to prove better than her.

"A rival," said Chelsea flatly.

"How original," Allie said sarcastically.

He flashed her an evil grin, which she returned with an evil smirk.

And both the agents returned with odd looks.

They both turned to the front. The four witches were descending down into the heart of the festival, the huge bon- fire. 

"Four!? Does that mean he's a witch too!" said Allie, horrified. 

"Oh dear. . ." said Chelsea.

"And they're going into the fire!" said Allie with a grin. "Can we watch them burn to death?"

"No Allie, we have to charge them."

"You take all the fun out of everything!"

"What if I let you shoot the Mary-Sue?"

"Deal."

Everybody silenced as they walked down the path into the center.

"Now."

The two girls walked out from behind the pillar.

"Hello all you wonderful people!" said Chelsea with fake happiness.

Sabina looked up. "Are you here for the festival?"

"Yeah, the festival," said Allie. "And we need to see Sabina Surstone and Jared Skadi."

Both Sabina and Jared nodded and followed Allie in to Sabina's bedroom, Chelsea following shortly after she had made sure Serafina and Ruta wouldn't remember a thing.

"Sabina Surstone," started Allie, "you have been charged with being a Mary-Sue, causing character rupture, spelling Serafina Pekkala's name wrong, look it up if you don't know! Messing with the the culture and clothing of the witches, and for really pissing me off! Have fun!" She shot her with an arrow.

"Jared Skadi," started Chelsea, "you are charged with basically the same thing, except you are a Marty-Sam and, apparently, a witch, reason to kill you all in its own. Good-bye!" She also shot him with an arrow, and both the dead 'Sues Dæmon started disappearing.

"Where do you think we should put them?" asked Allie.

"Well, let's think," said Chelsea, "where's the best place to throw a dead Mary-Sue around here?"

"Ocean?"

"Nice meal for the fishes tonight!" Chelsea activated a portal that opened into a spot above the ocean and shoved the dead Sues through. Then she opened another portal back to headquarters for the both of the agents.

"That was fun," said Allie.

"The next one will be worse," said Chelsea. "Crap! I forgot to get the clothes!"

"I'm sure there'll be more like her, Chelsea," said Allie as she grabbed her CD player.

"I'm going to see the local repair man about this computer. Want to come?"

Allie shrugged. "Why not?" They started wondering aimlessly around the place until they came across a door with a sign that said 'Makes-Things' on it.

"This looks like it might help," said Chelsea; winning the 'Obvious Statement of the Year Award,' and they both walked in. "Hello? Person?"

"We need something fixed or else we won't be very happy people!" yelled Allie.

"And Allie tends to cause brain damage, so I suggest you help us," said Chelsea.

An Asian man walked out from behind a shelf. "What do you want?" he asked a little gruffly.

"Not an afternoon person are we?" asked Allie.

"We need the computer to be unloud," said Chelsea.

Allie raised an eyebrow. "Unloud?"

"Oh shut up, he knows what I'm talking about!"

"Fine," he said, "I'll come and 'fix' it later, now go away!"

"Geeze, not a people person," muttered Allie as they closed the door behind them and walked back to their room.

"Long as I don't have to deal with that damn beeping sound, I'm perfectly fine."

Allie sighed; she had a feeling that this was going to be interesting.

END

Chelsea's A/N: Mwahaha! DIE SUE! DIE! And wait until they start messing with lust objects, fear me Mary-Sue authors, FEAR ME! . . .ok, I'll stop now.

Anywho! Obviously we're both big His Dark Materials fans, but I am also a very big Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter fan. Allie. . .not so much Lord of the Rings. But my favorite Harry Potter character is Sirius, even though he is very arrogant. Hey! No body's perfect!

I will now shut up before you all decide to call the Insane Asylum and declare that I am critically insane, Ta! (BTW, I also have another account on fanfiction.net: Ashly Potter, plug plug!)

Allie's A/N: MWAHAHAHAHAAA!!! DEATH TO THE MARY-SUES!!!! MWA HA HA HA HA! That'll teach you to mess with 'His Dark Materials'!!! **evil smirk**. . .Yeah. . . done now. . . anyways. . . I hope y'all liked our first chapter! Whoo-hoo! this was my first time ever participating in anything on PPC or Fanfiction or anything like that, so yeah. . . hope you enjoyed Chelsea's and my PPC! Yeah... and in case you hadn't realized it I'm a major fan of His Dark Materials. . . yeah well. . . I should probably stop now before you think me more insane than Chelsea. . . ttfn! ; -