The day I stopped fighting I thought would be the most peaceful day of my life. That day everything made sense. For the first time, I knew what I had to do, I thought I had found the answer to all those months of pain. The cure for the slow ache in my heart that devoured me from the inside out. Of course I thought wrong, it's a shame I didn't realize it until it was too late.

When I lept off that cliff I felt nothing, no emotion just the bare greyness of despair. I saw nothing, only grey sky and rolling sea rising to welcome me. Swallow me, make me disappear like I wanted to. I closed my eyes, then the sickening impact. Something harder and more unyielding then water ever could be. Then the dark came and I died…or so I thought. But…once again…I thought wrong.

When I came back to myself, I didn't immediately realize I was alive. I couldn't see, I couldn't call for help, I could feel something warm and wet pooling beneath my head. But no pain, I realized I was lying broken into at least a million pieces and I felt nothing. Nothing. I almost wanted the pain then, the pain would mean I was alive and it was not too late to change my mind. To live, to make up for this foolish mistake. But I felt nothing, just a deep fear and sadness. Then the voice came.

People who have had near death experiences often speak of a celestial voice that speaks to them. They recall feeling a sense of safety and peace when they hear it. I understand what they mean, I've heard it too. Only my 'Angel' turned out to be another form of celestial being all together.

I heard a man's voice close to my ear, the only reason I knew it was human at all was because of the emotion I heard in it. An angel would not be so concerned or sympathetic I was certain. Especially not to me.

"What is your name?" I heard the voice ask, it took me a second to force my lips to move. Every movement seemed delayed and painfully slow as though in a dream. " Esme.." I breathed, my voice sounding slow , the sound of my own name foreign to my ears.

" Esme…" the voice was close to me, I knew the owner must be kneeling beside me his voice sounded urgent and it frustrated me that I could not answer him more quickly. " Esme, can you open your eyes?"

Weren't my eyes open? I'd known a moment ago but now I was not so sure. Everything was growing foggy and confused. The voice was speaking, further away now. Perhaps it had given up on me, I opened my eyes searching . What I saw was a world of blurred shapes and bright sunlight that made my eyes ache. I was about to close my eyes against the pain when a face appeared through the light. A man's face, a young man, around thirty not much older then myself. His hair looked golden in the sunlight and his amber eyes seemed so full of comfort and understanding it made me cry. He would not look at me so kindly if he knew what I'd done.

"Esme, my name is Dr. Cullen…I'm going to help you…can you hear me?" I went to nod, but something held my head , it felt like marble or stone. I felt it yield as something flat and stiff was slipped beneath me. " Yes," I said with an effort, " Yes, I can hear you." Suddenly another light, brighter and more focused even then the sunlight blinded me briefly. Then the face was there again, I heard the voice telling me to move my toes, my fingers. Asking if I could feel in various places. I couldn't, I was like a block of stone. I was beginning to see what was going on…but I shut it from my mind. For a moment the face disappeared and I slipped back into darkness, when I opened my eyes again I was being carried away. I protested, but a hand was on my forehead. It was cool and smooth as marble, I had never felt a touch like it, then the voice again. " You have to lie still, Esme…do you understand? You're hurt…."

I spoke, my voice sounding weak and shaky, " Am I dying?" The voice was comforting, " No, you'll be fine…we'll take care of you." I looked away tears in my eyes. I knew Dr. Cullen was lying and I thanked him for it. I didn't want to hear the truth right then.

I don't remember the ride to the hospital, nor the frantic rush of the emergency room. I can imagine it now, through images I've seen on T.V. and memories I've stolen from unwary minds, but no real memory exists. The next thing I remember with any clarity is opening my eyes into a blinding light, it hurt and I felt tears fall from my eyes. I lay there for a moment, helpless as a turtle on it's back powerless to move or even scream very loudly. Then I started to hear the voices around me, there were many now and the sound of beeping machines and rattling instruments. The voices formed a frantic hum around me, it terrified me. No one seemed to notice me, I could not feel the things they were doing to me..if they were bothering to do anything. More tears fell from my eyes, then out of the hum I recognized Dr. Cullen's voice. It was low now, a whisper, I was not supposed to hear. But I did.

" It's a shame, she's so young." A nurse spoke sadly, " You're sure there's nothing you can do?"

Dr. Cullen spoke in a defeated tone, " No, there's nothing more medically we can do," There was something in the way he said ' medically' that sounded strange. As though there were some other means he could use to heal me. I brushed it aside, all hope was smothered at the next statement. " Her neck is broken and she has severe damage to her brain, it's a wonder she's awake at all." A sigh, heavy as lead came next. Then it seemed the atmosphere shifted, it was as though Dr. Cullen suddenly realized some one else was listening in. In a moment he was beside me again.

" How are you doing , Esme? Do you remember me?" How could I forget? I thought. " Yes," I said, " Before you lie to me…you should know. I heard you."

Dr. Cullen looked grim, " I'm sorry, I didn't realize you could hear.." his amber eyes looked sad, there was something else there too. A figuring look, gauging look like he was trying to figure me out. I spoke before he could, it had begun to get hard to breath so it took an effort. " Will it hurt?"

Dr. Cullen looked puzzled. " What?"

I smiled blinking back tears, " Will I suffer? When I die that is…or will it be quick? I hope it will be quick..I don't want to linger." Dr. Cullen was looking at me in an awed way. There I was, a young woman, in the prime of her life. Faced with a death sentence and I was calmly discussing it. I was marveling at it myself. When he finally spoke, his voice was gentle.

" It will be fairly fast…we'll make sure you're comfortable."

" what will happen to me?"

Dr. Cullen swallowed hard, " Well…slowly your organs will shut down…it will get hard to breath…and…" he seemed to break out of his doctor role then. His voice lost the professional edge and it was surprisingly agitated. " Forgive me," he said , " But…how can you be so calm about this? I've never seen anything like it.."

"I can go hysterical if you like…"

"No! That isn't what I mean…it's just, there's something about you…"

I closed my eyes for a moment breathing deeply, " When you have nothing left to live for..death isn't so frightening."

Dr. Cullen looked at me, it was a strange look. I noticed we were alone in the room now. Dr. Cullen spoke again.

" You jumped off that cliff on purpose…" I looked away.

" Apparently, fate has a sense of humor."

Dr. Cullen was not laughing, he was staring at me , I wondered if he would leave me now. Now that he knew I'd meant to die, I closed my eyes.

" You don't have to waste your time on me…I know how it must seem…" I paused to catch my breath, " But…I never really wanted to die…I just wanted the pain to stop." My eyes closed of their own accord then and darkness took me once again.

When I opened my eyes, I was in a darkened room. I heard the beep of monitors and an oxygen mask was over my face. I felt more numb then ever, and it hurt to breath. My eyes roamed around the room. It was empty, tears rose in my eyes. I had guessed as much, I would die alone in the end after all.

If only Doctor Cullen could know the WHY behind what I'd done. If only he'd known the heart ache I'd suffered, being abandoned by my family and my lover. Then losing the child I carried, a tiny boy whose face still haunted me. If only I could tell him about the burning hole in my heart, the clawing , clinging sadness, perhaps he could find it in his heart to pity me. I closed my eyes to wait.

"Esme?"

The voice startled me, I opened my eyes hardly believing, Doctor Cullen stood beside me, his amber eyes staring into mine. I smiled. He returned it, slanted some what with pity.

" That smile…it's so indominatable…but your eyes are so sad." I was surprised at how human he sounded, how affectionate. I felt tears falling down my cheeks,

" Will you stay with me?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing…"

Dr.Cullen said, his voice sounded as though he had found the answer to a problem.

"What?" I said,

Dr. Cullen sighed and walked closer to me, " I lied to you in there…there is a way I can save you…"

I felt hope fill me, it must have showed in my eyes because Dr. Cullen held up his hand.

" Listen to me, please. It's very important that you understand what I'm saying, what I'm asking of you."

I looked at him, my breath as frail as it was, was coming quicker.

"I can make you well again, completely, like new…better then new. But there's a price…"

I spoke eagerly, " I'll pay anything!"

"I don't mean money…" Dr. Cullen seemed frustrated, "Do you trust me?"

I nodded slowly. Dr. Cullen took a deep breath, he seemed to be gathering himself.

"I don't wish to frighten you…but you must know..I'm not what I seem. I'm not…human. "

My heart sped up, but strangely I was not afraid, nor did I not believe him. It seemed perfectly logical, it explained why he was so different then anyone I'd ever met. My eyes must have shown the thrill of excitement for Dr. Cullen spoke.

"If I said I was a vampire…would you believe me?"

" Yes."

" Are you afraid?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm more afraid of being alone, then dying. Why should I worry?"

Dr. Cullen closed his eyes again, whispering something that sounded like " Damndest creature." Under his breath, then quickly gathered himself.

"I don't have time to explain everything…but…I'm asking you to let me make you one of us…it will be painful, it will be frightening, and you will be changed forever when I am done. You must give up everything you've ever known…"

"I already have…"

"Would you risk your soul?"

Now I paused, this was too much. "I have to give up my soul?"

"That might be the case…but…I honestly don't know if we keep our souls."

I shivered, I'd forgotten one other key thing. " You…eat humans..you drink blood."

" Yes, we drink blood…but not all vampires prey on humans..I'm one of the ones that don't."

I milled this over there were a million reasons to say no, the risks could be higher and suddenly I realized I didn't care. The only thing that matter was I must have this chance. I felt my chest tightening and I began to struggle for air. I fought to stay awake but could feel myself slipping away. I felt Dr. Cullen's marble hands against my face removing the mask.

" Esme..Esme..listen to me…" his voice was rapid and desperate, it was obvious we had very little time…I had very little time. " Do you want this?"

his voice was desperate, it was obvious what he wanted. He wanted me. Though I couldn't imagine why. " Esme !" he said urgently, I drew in my breath, " Yes…" I said with an effort, " Yes…do it…I want it…"

Almost instantly I felt something sharp bite into my neck, then a burning gradually radiating through my body. As the pain started, I shuddered. I felt Dr. Cullen's hand on mine, yes, I felt it…my dead body was coming back to life. The burning intensified and I stifled a cry. Dr. Cullen put a hand over my mouth gently. His voice was comforting, " I'm sorry…hold on..the worst will be over soon…"

I looked at him, twining my new healthy fingers around his. " Dr. Cullen.." I gasped through the pain, he looked at me his eyes full of a look of intense emotion.

" Call me Carlisle.."

" Carlisle…" I said, the name feeling strange on my lips, " Thank you."

Something dark covered my eyes and the fire consumed me.