V's gotten on an Ed, Edd, and Eddy kick. Hence the beginning of yet another fanfic… Curse my many geeky pursuits.

Disclaimer: Nope. V no owns the Eds, though she would like Ed as a house pet.

A Series of Rather Awkward Ed-vents

Episode 1: Driving Miss Edd

"Today's the day, boys!" Eddy barked, racing well ahead of the other Eds as they charged toward the junkyard. "Yes, sir! Just wait till you see her! She's a real beaut, an American Classic! She's the quintessential dream machine! And she's all mine! Soon, we'll be riding to school in style. Man, I can't wait to see the look on Kevin's face when I pull up in—"

"A Super-secret government UFO sent by the Overlords of Venus that we may go to the Great Dank Jungles of VOORISH and battle the Mi-Go from Yuggoth, there by freeing the captive mind of Ambrose Bierce and bring peace unto our dimension!"

Eddy froze and glared at the stupidly hopefully Ed. Before the shorter teen could lash out with some snippy comment, Double D came wheezing up to them.

"Ed…wheeze… It's rude to interrupt." Edd took a hit off his inhaler before turning to Eddy. "I honestly fail to see what the rush is, Eddy. It isn't as though this car of yours is going to drive off by itself. And need I remind you that neither of us has a license yet? We just started Driver's Ed yesterday, for Pete's sake!"

"Details, details!" muttered Eddy. "Besides, you've forgotten that Ed got held back a year."

Double D sighed. "And what, pray tell, does our beloved friend's deplorable academic condition have to do with your car?"

"Don't you get it, Sockhead! Lumpy turned sixteen last fall, so he got to take the Driver's Ed before us. And can you believe it?--The big lug actually passed the written test and the driving test! Ed here is now fully capable of chauffeuring yours truly around town in my brand new, fully restored '69 Mustang! At least till I get my license…." Eddy added, then elbowed his tall friend. "Go ahead, stupid. Show Double D your license."

Grinning dumbly, Ed dug out his wallet—stinky gym sock and all—and held it right under his germophobic friends nose. "Here you go, Double D! That's me, alright, but I look really funny in this picture because mom made me take a bath that night and comb my hair. She did let me take along my Super-lucky Donkey Tail key chain, so I was able to go back to my happy place again!"

"That's…lovely Ed." Trying hard not to vomit, Edd politely backed away from the offending wallet.

"Are you ladies done? We've got our ride to pick up!" snapped Eddy as he took off down the sidewalk.

"Right behind you, Eddy!" Shouted big Ed, who promptly grabs up Double D and chases after their friend. After a short run with a stream of protests from Edd, they make it to junkyard were Ed promptly drops his friend onto a moldering sofa. He hands Edd a magazine before sitting down next to him. "There you go, Double D."

Edd stares at the garish monster-movie fanzine for a moment. Before he can say a word, a beautiful cherry-red vintage Mustang with to top down came roaring to a stop in front of them.

"Hey there, boys!" Eddy leapt out and posed by the car. "How you like the new wheels?"

Squealing with joy, Ed runs up to car and stares at his reflection on the hood. "Whoa! She's so shiny!"

"Yep. Just had her waxed today." Smacking Ed's hand away so he wouldn't smudge the finish, Eddy turned to a frowning Double D. "Well, what's the matter with you Sockhead? Too much for ya?"

"Too much is right, Eddy" Edd sneered disapprovingly. "How were you able to afford this? The price alone for a derelict vehicle of this make and model costs more than all the allowances you've ever had, and I know your parents certainly aren't irresponsible enough to entrust such a valuable antique to an emotionally immature, reckless teenage boy like yourself."

"Forget about it, Double D. Just lay back and bask in the beauty."

"Yeah, Double D!" chirped Ed, grabbing up his buddies in a big hug. "Bask in the beauty like Godzilla basks in the radioactive depths!"

"Hey Eddy!" shouted a voice straight from the depths of the trailer park.

Ed drops Eddy and Edd, staring in horror as Lee Kanker stomped toward them.

"Oh DEAR LORD!" Scuttling into the safety of big Ed's arms, Double D screams frantically. "I've still got that restraining order! You stay fifty feet away from me, Lee!"

"Shut the fuck up, Dorky." Lee hisses, ignoring Ed's protective death glares. "I just wanted my fuzzy dice back."

Eddy frowned in annoyance but hands over the fuzzy dice anyway. "Yeah, fine… Geez, you really know how to cramp a guy's style."

Lee simply growled, snatching the dice out of Eddy's hand. She then turned and stomped off.

Climbing out of Ed's arms, Edd gets up in Eddy's face with an abnormally pissed off expression. "LEE KANKER! YOU BOUGHT A CAR FROM THE KANKERS!"

"Calm down, Sockhead. You're gonna have an aneurysm."

"Aneurysm? ANEURYSM! I'LL SHOW YOU ANEURYSM!" In a shocking display of anger, Edd pulls back a fist to deck his insensitive friend only to have Ed catch hold of his wrist.

"Double D! This really is shamefully out of character for you, mister! Hitting Eddy would be bad and wrong. It is so bad and wrong to hit your friends that they need a new word, like 'wrongbad' or 'badong'. Yes! Hitting people is 'badong'."

Shaking, Edd takes a step back. "Thank you, Ed. And I…I sincerely apologize to both of you for my bizarre behavior lately. I suppose it's the manifestation of the extreme amount of stress I have been suffering lately. Once again, I beg you forgiveness for my sporadic outbursts."

"Hey, we're cool. Besides, you know I could take you in a fight anyway." Eddy murmured with a shrug. "I'm starving Let's go get some burgers. My treat."

"You? Buying dinner? Now that's out of character!" Double D teased dryly, climbing into the back seat.

"Kiss my ass, Sockhead."

Happy that all was well again in the land of the Eds, big Ed clambered into the driver's seat and merrily drove to the local Sonics. He was so glad that he didn't even mind it when Eddy yelled at him for getting chili on the white leather upholstery, nor did Ed mind that Double D hadn't eaten. Tater-tots'n'chili always tasted better after they had sat around for a couple of weeks anyway. Eddy, however, was less blissfully unaware of their intellectual cohort's odd silence.

"Hey Double D!" Eddy shouted, turning toward Edd. "What's wrong? Kevin spit in your food again?"

Jerking up his head, Edd sighed sadly. "No. I'm just not hungry."

"Can I have your tots, Double D?" asked big Ed, eagerly accepting said greasy mass of potatoes and meat substitute Edd handed to him. Carefully looking out for enemy spies, Ed slipped the tots into his coat pocket.

"Okay Sockhead, enough of the angst!" huffed Eddy. "Just because everybody thinks it was you who got May knocked up doesn't mean we've gotta watch you mope for the rest of our lives! Get over it! So Lee and Marie beat the crap out of you just because you happen to be May's boyfriend?"

"For your information Eddy, May and I were not dating. She is a good and trusted friend of mine whom I have no carnal interest in whatsoever. It simply infuriates me the presumption that two people of the opposite gender can't socialize without there being some kind of sexual overtones. Haven't you people heard of a platonic relationship!"

"You and May are aliens?" barked Ed. "Can I ride in your space ship?"

"He said 'platonic', monobrow, not 'Pluto'!" Eddy groused, shoving big Ed out of the way. "What the hell does that mean, anyway?"

"Okay. Let me explain it this way." Double D gestured for Eddy to come closer and whispered into his ear. "I couldn't have impregnated May or any other girl because I think I'm…mumble-mumble…"

"Huh? I didn't catch that last bit."

Edd sighed. "I'm not the father, okay? But I do know who is."

"So who is it?"

With a huff, Edd turned away from Eddy. "The nerve! This is between May and the father. She took me into her confidence by telling about her pregnancy. It would be wrong for me to betray that trust by gossiping about it behind her back, no matter what her sisters have done."

"You know who it is, don't you Double D? You've known all along, and you wound up in a traction pull most of the summer because you're such a self-righteous dumbass! I can't believe you were stupid enough to take a beating for some rat bastard who ditches the mother of his kid. If I were me, I would have told everybody and let the fink get what's coming to him. That is, unless I was dumb enough to tell…" Suddenly, Eddy gave him 'the look'. "Wait a minute. May's got something on you, doesn't she? She tells you who got her in the family way and you stupidly told her some terrible personal secret. Something so terrible, so humiliating, so unbelievably rotten that you couldn't even tell your two best friends…"

"I see through your ruse, Eddy." Double D snarled in icy tones. "And frankly, this is just the sort of childish tactics I've come to expect from you. If you can't be satisfied knowing that I am at least a man of principles, then I'm afraid we have nothing left to say to each other."

"Fine. Whatever."

Big Ed frowned at his two friends. "Aw, come on guys! Please don't start fighting again."

Eddy growled. "We wouldn't be fighting if Dorky back there would just tell me who the hell got May knocked up!"

"It was one of the teachers, okay?" snapped Edd before he pulled back into his funk.

Eddy gawked at him. "May was fucking a teacher! Oh man, no wonder she's not said anything."

"Eddy, you're lucky this is fanfiction otherwise we'd been pulled by the censors for that."

"Whatever. Now spill! Which teacher is it? I bet it's Coach Prickle. That jerk always came off as being a dirty old man…"

"Mr. Mausewitz." Edd mumbled quietly.

"Mousy Mausewitz, the biology teacher! You're kidding, right?" gasped Eddy in disbelief. "That guy couldn't even make it through the chapter on reproductive anatomy and you're telling us that he was trolling for jailbait?"

Edd abruptly lunged up into the front seat and grabbed Eddy by the collar. "Eddy, you must promise—no! I want you to swear on your eternal soul that you won't breath a word of this to anybody, understand? That goes for you too, Ed! No one else must know about this."

"Sure, sure…"

"Swear it, Eddy!"

Eddy started balling up his fist. "Oh, I'll swear alright…"

"I SWEAR TO KEEP THIS SECRET ON THE MIGHTY CHIN OF BRUCE CAMPBELL LEST I BE TURNED INTO A CANNABILISTIC DEADITE!" Ed roared, knocking both boys back with his chili breath.

When he had recovered, Edd sat up weakly. "Thank you, Ed."

Ed grinned. "Welcome."

"Well, fellows, it's getting late." Edd mused, glancing at the darkening sky. "I don't suppose we could be heading back home now?"

"You heard the man, Lumpy. Let's motor."

"Ed's Taxi at your service!" barked big Ed as he whipped out of the parking space and went down the road at a fast but precisely legal pace.

Eddy turned back to Double D. "Hey, Sockhead," he hollered above the whipping wind. "What were you mumbling about earlier? About you thinking you're what?"

"I said that I think I'm gay." Edd mumbled, thankful that his words were torn away before either of the others could hear them.

"Yeah, I'd say I've been having a pretty bad day too, Double D," shouted Eddy. "But at least we've got a car now."

On that note, Eddy cranked up the radio and the Eds drove on into the sunset.