Tag to 10.21, Dark Dynasty.
This one was hard to write...
DEAN
"Charlie?"
I say her name….wanting more than anything for her to answer me...knowing she won't….she can't…I'll never hear her say my name again or see her smile…..she could light up the darkest day…..
It's good to be queen.
Sam pushes past me, dropping to his knees beside the tub, frantically feeling for a pulse, knowing as well as I do he's not going to find one. I brush him aside and gently pull Charlie from the awkward position she's in and cradle her in my arms. I sink to the floor and hold her close, pressing my face into her mop of bright red hair. I always thought there was nothing that could put out her flame. I was so wrong.
Beside me, Sam seems unaware that he is sitting in a pool of Charlie's blood. He reaches for one of Charlie's hands and holds it in both of his own. She's so tiny, especially compared to my giant baby brother, and her hand disappears within his. He stares at her for a long moment and then glances up at me, his eyes dark with sorrow. He presses Charlie's hand to his lips and begins to cry.
I want to scream at him, to tell him this is all his fault. He knew how dangerous the book could be but instead of doing what I asked, he lied to me and then dragged Charlie into it…..sweet, innocent Charlie…I choke back a sob of my own, knowing I can't blame Sam or Cas or anyone else for Charlie's death. This is on me. She did this for me…to save me. Why? Because I'm the one who put everyone in danger by taking on the Mark of Cain.
"D-Dean, I'm s-sorry." Sam is clutching Charlie's hand, his body quaking as he tries to restrain his tears. "T-this is m-my…..m-my f-fault…it's m-my f-fault. Oh, G-god, C-charlie…..'m so s-sorry."
My brother is a broken man and that, too, is my fault. If I hadn't taken the Mark of Cain, none of this would have happened. Charlie would still be alive and Sam wouldn't be drowning in his guilt. Anger rises within me, rage unlike anything I've ever known. Someone is going to pay for this. For Charlie, for Sam…for me. Pain, raw and unbridled, races through me and I can't hold back my tears any longer. I cradle Charlie close to me with one hand and reach for my brother with the other.
I don't know how long we sit there. Two broken men, clinging to each other and the body of our friend…..our little sister…while the storm outside rages around us but I finally break away…..a different storm brewing inside of me.
"Listen to me, Sammy. This isn't your fault. Charlie's death is on me. Nobody else."
Sam's eyes are swollen and red. "No, Dean. I brought her into this."
"Because of the Mark, Sammy. If I hadn't taken the Mark, none of this would ever have happened."
"I lied to you, Dean." Tears begin to roll down Sam's cheeks again. "I shouldn't have lied to you. I'm sorry."
"Hey, hey, it's okay, Sammy." I reach for him again and pull his face close to mine, until our foreheads are almost touching. He won't look me in the eyes. "You did it for me. I know that."
Sam finally raises his eyes to mine. "We all did it for you, Dean."
Charlie loves you, Dean. We all love you.
I nod, blinking back tears. "I know you did."
Sam closes his eyes and rests his forehead against mine for a brief moment before pulling away. No matter what I say to him, he will never forgive himself for this. That is also on me.
I stare down at Charlie's still form, her body growing cold in my arms and a darkness clouds my mind. The Mark on my arm is speaking to me in a way that only I understand. I know what it wants. It wants the same thing as me…it wants blood…and I'm going to give it exactly what it desires.
SAM
Dean says Charlie's name and I hear the hurt…..I know the pain he feels because I feel it too. Charlie is dead. I know it as well as I know I'm still breathing but I find myself pushing past Dean and dropping to my knees beside the gore spattered tub, praying to everything that I no longer believe in to prove me wrong, prove that someone is listening….please let her be alive. But I know she's gone, even as my fingers desperately search for a pulse.
Dean nudges me aside and carefully pulls Charlie from the tub, cradling her in his arms as he sinks to the floor next to me. He buries his face in her hair and it finally hits home…..she's really gone. Charlie is dead and it's all my fault. I did this.
I reach for one of her hands, marveling at how tiny they are, and I notice the clown on her shirt. The universe is mocking me. I glance up at Dean and I know what he's thinking, because I'm thinking it too. Charlie would still be alive if I hadn't lied to him….if I hadn't kept the book a secret…..if I had only been honest. Cas and Charlie had both been right. Lying never ends well. Of all people, I should know that by now. I press Charlie's hand to my lips and begin to cry.
I feel my brother watching me and I know I have to say something….I have to beg his forgiveness…..but how can he ever forgive me for this? I will never forgive myself. I killed Charlie. I killed her…..oh, god, I killed her. My body trembles as I continue to weep and I hate myself for it. I have no right. This is my fault…
"D-Dean, I'm s-sorry." Charlie's tiny hand is still clutched in my own. "T-this is m-my…..m-my f-fault…it's m-my f-fault. Oh, G-god, C-charlie…..'m so s-sorry."
I see rage in my brother's eyes unlike anything I've ever seen before and I know I have failed him. Everything I did…I did it all for the sake of saving Dean but what I see in his eyes tells me I've set him on the path to destruction. His grief will eat him alive and everyone in his path will be destroyed. Tears well up in his eyes and he holds Charlie close to him, while reaching out to me and I cling to him, holding out hope that somehow I can bring him back...back from the precipice he's teetering on…..back to me.
I don't know how long we sit there and I am unwilling to break our connection. I need my brother…..I can't let him go…but finally he pulls away and when he looks at me, I know who he's going to blame for Charlie's death and it's not going to be me.
"Listen to me, Sammy. This isn't your fault. Charlie's death is on me. Nobody else." His voice is raw with emotion.
"No, Dean. I brought her into this."
"Because of the Mark, Sammy. If I hadn't taken the Mark, none of this would ever have happened." I see the self-loathing in his eyes and I hate myself even more. I put that there. This happened because of me, not him. Why can't he see that?
"I lied to you, Dean." I can't hold back the tears, no matter how hard I try. "I shouldn't have lied to you. I'm sorry."
"Hey, hey, it's okay, Sammy." He reaches for me again, pulling me close, until our foreheads are almost touching but I can't look him in the eye. "You did it for me. I know that."
I raise my eyes to his, wishing he could see in himself what I see in him…..what everyone sees in him. "We all did it for you, Dean."
Charlie loves you, Dean. We all love you.
He nods, trying hard to blink back his tears. "I know you did."
I close my eyes and rest my forehead against his for just a moment before pulling away. I'm selfish to want even one second of comfort from my brother. I'll never forgive myself for what happened to Charlie…..never.
Dean stares down at Charlie and I know I was right. Dean's grief will be his undoing. Now, more than ever, I have to find a way to remove the Mark. Rowena has to crack the spell…..and soon. Charlie's death is on me but it doesn't have to be in vain. I can still save Dean…..I have to. I just lost the closest thing I'll ever have to a sister. I'm not losing my brother too.
John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends."
Thanks so much for reading! Comments are always welcome!
