A/N: These are getting popular lately. And I have to say they are pretty funny. Since stories have to have a plot I'll just have Artemis and what he thinks of all the mail he is getting. Hehehehehe... Onward with the story!

Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl and co. nor do I own America Online, or any of that stuff.

Annoying, Hilarious, and Down Right Weird E-mails

Artemis flicked the switch to his computer, it made a few little noises as the monitor lit up with the picture of his desktop, complete with a wallpaper of Butler with ice cream all over his face. He had had to keep that photo, there were only a few times when you could get a picture like that of Butler.

Artemis double clicked the America Online icon on his screen. Once he was logged on the mail box at the bottom of the screen was blinking. He clicked it and proceeded to read his mail.

Artemis's inbox:

To: Artemis (devious_thievious_Artemus@i_steal_fairy_gold.net) From: Holly (firstfemalelepofficer@hotmail.com) Subject: Ha! I know your e-mail address!

Hi, Arty!

Hehehehee... Now I can e-mail you all I want because Foaly told me your e-mail address! Muwahahahahaahahaha! By the way, "i_steal_fairy_gold.net"? Was that site made just for you? Hahahahahahaha!

~Holly~

Artemis's reaction: Artemis frowned, he knew he shouldn't have told Foaly his e-mail address. Maybe if he ignored her she would go away.

Next E-mail:

To: Artemis (devious_thievious_Artemus@i_steal_fairy_gold.net) From: Butler (the_big_guy_with_no_first_name@aol.com) Subject: Beware

Master Artemis,

I have heard a bit of something of a prank that Juliet intends to play on you. She plans to sew a couple of your boxers, particularly those ones that say things like "Why are you looking at my butt?" and "I would rather be in the spa right now" and other things. She plans to sew them into a flag and run them up the High School flag pole and gather everyone around to sing "Oh, Artemis" a song she made up her self. I only heard snatches of it but this is what I heard:

"Oh, Artemis,

Who eats caviar,

Oh, how icky you are!

We don't like you,

Nor your underwear,

We just don't care-!

Oh, Artemis! Oh, Artemis!

Do please go away,

You are so sickening,

So stop your bickering,

And pack off to college!"

It went something like that. I advise you keep your boxers in a safe place for the time being.

~Butler~

Artemis's response:

To: Butler (the_big_guy_with_no_first_name@aol.com) From: Artemis (devious_thievious_Artemus@i_steal_fairy_gold.net) Subject: Re: Beware

Thank-you, Butler. I will keep in mind that Juliet plans to steal my underwear. When will she come up with a new idea? The run-the-underwear-up-the-flag-pole thing is ancient. The song was sort of cute though, despite the fact that it was rather rude. But what am I talking about? I invented rudness, I can definitely come up with a better idea than that.

~Artemis~

Next E-mail:

To: Artemis (devious_thievious_Artemus@i_steal_fairy_gold.net) From: Commander Root (beetroot@lep.org) Subject: Virus

Fowl,

Were you the one that sent that computer virus to me that messed my computer all up? I am lucky that I have Foaly to help me! You could have ruined it! Do you know how much fairy computers cost? They cost a fortune! If you ever do that again I will send an entire LEP squad to burn your little mansion down! Don't think I can't, cause I can!

~Commander~

Artemis's reaction: Artemis grinned, yeah, he had sent that virus. But why should he take the blame when there was someone else to lay it on?

Artemis's response:

To: Commander Root (beetroot@lep.org) From: Artemis (devious_thievious_Artemus@i_steal_fairy_gold.net) Subject: Virus?

Commander,

I think you have the wrong person. I don't know anything about any virus that could have been sent to you. And come to think of it, I have had virus problems lately myself. My beliefs are that a person with fairy technology is behind this, otherwise the virus would have been inihilated immediately by my security system. And I have an inkling to who it might be, it starts with an "F", and ends with "oaly".

~Artemis~

What Artemis did next: Artemis grinned evilly once he had clicked the send button. He had had no "virus problems" actually, it was only a lie to make it seem more like it was Foaly who was behind it. Then Artemis opened the next mail.

To: Artemis (devious_thievious_Artemus@i_steal_fairy_gold.net) From: Foaly (i_am_smarter_than_you@foalytechnologyrocks.net) Subject: Re: Re: Re: Questionaire

Can you handle a few little questions, Fowl? Just erase the answers I put in and put your own answer.

Your name as it appears on your birth certificate: Foaly

Nicknames: The Nerd, The Annoying Paranoid Centaur, Bald Butt... I've heard'em all...

Number of candles on your last birthday cake: shoot... I lost track

Time you usually blow them out: Around Spring, don't you people know that Spring is when all centaurs are born? Duh!

Height: 7' 8''

Eye color: brown

Hair color: red

Piercings: er... I once had my nose pierced... but I decided to get rid of it...

Tattoos: erm... I would rather not go there...

How much do you love your job: A LOT!!!! Where else am I allowed to show off my obviously superior intellect and tease everyone to the extent that they have to take a time off because their blood pressure is too high.... Hehehehe... (I am talking about Root)

Birthplace: Somewhere in the wilderness of Ireland...

Current residence: Haven

Favorite place lived: Honolulu was nice... (I decided to take a very, very long vacation once when Root got really, really mad at me because a certain prank of mine...)

Been to Europe: Duh, I live in Europe.

Been in love before: What would I do with out my beautiful computer?

Been to Africa: No... But maybe I should consider that my next hideout when Root gets mad at me for whatever ingenious prank I come up with in the future...

Been toilet-papering: No, wanted to though... Maybe that is what I should do to Root next...

Been toilet-papered: Several times actually...

Been in a car accident: Actually, I've never been in a car, my behind doesn't quite fit.

2 door or 4 (on a car): Why would I care? I can't even fit in one door!

Cookies or muffins: Hmm... Hard choice...

Coffee or Tea: Tea

Favorite movie: "Welcome to the LEP" I made it myself, which is why it is my favorite.

Favorite holiday: April Fool's Day, always the best day to play a prank...

Favorite food: Carrots!

Favorite day of the week: Monday, always feels good to come into the office and say hello to my dear computer...

Favorite TV show: News, I guess, it is all I watch anyway.

Favorite outdoor activity: I don't do outdoors...

Favorite indoor activity: Inventing cool stuff... Hehehehehe...

Favorite restaurant: Carrot Cake Deli, their cake is DELISHIOUS!!!!

Favorite flower: I haven't been outside for a while...

Favorite sport: Annoying people, it can be very exasting sometimes...

Favorite ice cream: Carrot flavor!!!

Favorite Sesame Street character: What is Sesame Street?

Favorite fast food restaurant: Carrot King, their carrot burgers are fantastic!

When was your last hospital visit: A few weeks ago... Holly *accidentally* threw her Nuetrino at my head...

Favorite non-alcoholic drink: Carrot Juice!

What color is your bedroom carpet: white, with splotchs of several different colors- those are chemical spills

Have you ever been arrested: Yeah, but I was young and really, really hungry!

Have you ever been convicted of crime: I stole a carrot cake from Carrot Cake Deli...

Which store would you most like to max out your credit card on: A life time supply of carrots would be nice...

What do you do most often when you are bored: Send annoyingly long e-mails.

Most annoying thing is: Opal Koboi, can't stand her...

Who will most likely respond to this the fastest: Artemis, he is the only one I sent this to.

Who is least likely to respond to this: Artemis, he hardly ever answers anything

Which of the people you are sending this to have you known the longest: I only sent it to one person

Do you want this to be over: I haven't got anything else to do...

Okay, that is the last of it! Now lets see what you come up with, Fowl!

~Foaly~

Artemis's response:

To: Foaly (i_am_smarter_than_you@foalytechnologyrocks.net), Holly (firstfemalelepofficer@hotmail.com), Butler (the_big_guy_with_no_first_name@aol.com) From: Artemis (devious_thievious_Artemus@i_steal_fairy_gold.net) Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Questionaire

Okay, I don't have many other things to so here are my answers:

Your name as it appears on your birth certificate: Artemis we- can-skip-that-middle-name Fowl Jr.

Nicknames: Arty. Don't you dare call me that!!!!

Number of candles on your last birthday cake: 14, soon to be 15

Time you usually blow them out: December 17

Height: 5' 4''

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Black

Piercings: No way!

Tattoos: Erm... I had a dragon tattooed to my back a month ago... Don't tell Butler!

How much do you love your job: Job? What Job? I'm under age!

Birthplace: Sisters of Mercy hospital, Dublin, Ireland

Current residence: Fowl Manor

Favorite place lived: Why would I want to live anywhere else than Fowl Manor?

Been to Europe: I live in Europe...

Been in love before: I'm only 14!!!

Been to Africa: Actually, I have. Once on a business trip with my father, and once to Cairo with Butler while I was still searching for the Book of the People.

Been toilet-papering: No, I refuse to stoop to such a low level.

Been toilet-papered: Never, what child in their right mind would try to toilet paper my house with Butler around?

Been in a car accident: Once, our chauffeur was drunk, which is why only Butler drives me now.

2 door or 4 (on a car): 4, it is much easier to get out

Cookies or muffins: Muffins, unless it is Juliet's triple chocolate cookies *drooling*

Coffee or Tea: Tea, ever since a certain incident when I had a *little* too much caffeine I haven't been allowed to drink coffee unless it is decaffeinated.

Favorite movie: I very much enjoyed the Star Wars movies

Favorite holiday: Don't have one, I sort of consider vacation week a holiday though, that is when I go on a nice, expenive vacation with my family.

Favorite food: Caviar, can't have enough of it

Favorite day of the week: Saturday, I get to stay home all the time on that day so I can work on my computer.

Favorite TV show: News, never watch anything else

Favorite outdoor activity: I don't go outdoors that often...

Favorite indoor activity: surfing the net and hacking into high-security computer networks

Favorite restaurant: Burger King, they have very good burgers, you should try their fries too.

Favorite flower: morning glories

Favorite sport: I don't do sports...

Favorite ice cream: Mint chocolate chip, can't resist it...

Favorite Sesame Street character: Er... I don't watch that show anymore... I did kind of like Big Bird though

Favorite fast food restaurant: Burger King, I have taking a liking to fast food lately...

When was your last hospital visit: A few months ago, Juliet decided to practice her Pile Driver on me...

Favorite non-alcoholic drink: Coffee, I'm not allowed to drink it though...

What color is your bedroom carpet: Don't have one, it is all wood

Have you ever been arrested: No

Have you ever been convicted of crime: Well, let's see... I kidnapped a fairy, used her for ransom, among other things I need not mention...

Which store would you most like to max out your credit card on: Gateway or some other computer store.

What do you do most often when you are bored: Sleep usually...

Most annoying thing is: Foaly, Juliet, a few people at my school, can't make a choice...

Who will most likely respond to this the fastest: Holly, Foaly already did it.

Who is least likely to respond to this: Butler, his fingers are a little to big for the keys, and I doubt he would like to let us know certain information about him... I am interested in finding out what his real first name is though.

Which of the people you are sending this to have you known the longest: I've known Butler my entire life

Do you want this to be over: Yes.

Okay, there are my answers Foaly.

~Artemis~

~*~ Artemis signed off and went off in search of something to eat.

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A/N: All done! Hope you like this, if you do then there might be a second chapter!