So, this is another wierd story idea of mine that may or may not go anywhere. I wanted to get this up today, so it's a bit rushed, but it should get the point across and I'll probably end up re-writing it anyway.

In case you haven't guessed by the title yet, this is going to be based off of episodes from the TV show 1000 Ways To Die. I got the idea after watching a few episodes and realizing that Denmark dying from ripping his intestines out on a nail would totally work (that one will most definitely be coming up - stay tuned). If you don't watch this show or have no idea what it is, you must live under a rock and should probably relocate yourself to Google at this time.

Anyway, first up is England in his wierd death debut. I thought this totally fit him for some strange reason.

I own nothing here except the story(?) (psh . . . as if).


Hats All Folks

1849
Danbury, Connecticut

Have you ever heard of the phrase 'mad as a hatter'?

If you have, ever wondered where it came from?

Well, here to demonstrate is Arthur Kirkland, a hatter living in Danbury, Connecticut who had immigrated to the United States from London. Arthur was quite well known around town, but not for his wonderful hat making.

Arthur Kirkland was, to put it lightly, completely and totally barking mad.

When Arthur first moved to Danbury, the people thought that he was a pleasant enough fellow who had a real talent for making hats. All of his hats were near flawless and fitted to a tee; absolutely perfect.

However, after a few years, Arthur's clients grew fewer and fewer as Arthur himself lost more and more of his mind.

It really started one day when the banker, Vash Zwingli, came into Arthur's shop one afternoon. The Swiss immigrant approached Arthur's little desk calmly, glancing around at the hats on the shelves as Arthur made his appearance. Slender, pale hands swept the curtain that separated the front of the shop from the back aside, revealing the primly dressed and almost twiggy figure of Arthur himself. Vash smiled nervously at the hatter, trying to brush off the unnerving stare that the green-eyed Briton was giving him.

"Evening," the banker began, reaching up to tug the tall hat he wore off of his head. "I was wondering if you could refit my hat for me."

Arthur simply stared at Vash.

"Mr. Kirkland?"

Suddenly, Arthur opened his mouth and loosed a horrid shriek at Vash, causing the Swiss banker to take a step backwards. The dull look never once left Arthur's eyes as his scream slowly died off, leaving Vash slightly concerned for the hatter. Nodding nervously, the banker slowly backed away from the desk and practically fled the shop.

But, not before Arthur grabbed a long pin from a dummy beside him and stabbed the back of his hand with it, finally showing some emotion by laughing uncontrollably while the pin sank deeper into his hand.

Another instance, much later on down the road, a German businessman by the name of Ludwig Beilschmidt in town on business stopped by Arthur's shop, interested in purchasing a hat. Arthur had given him a thoughtful look, tapping his fingers on the little desk and chewing on his lip before stepping around the taller German to a shelf nearby.

Ludwig's eye twitched irritably as Arthur returned with an elegant, lacy lady's hat, the hatter's hands trembling as they placed the hat upon the German's head before the Briton lapsed into giggles. The businessman stared as Arthur doubled over, giggling before pulling a double-take at Ludwig's face. A horrified look crossed the hatter's face, and a single cry of 'Swine!' escaped him before his palm collided with Ludwig's left cheek. Gasping, the German doubled over, the hat falling from his head and pain blossoming in his cheek from the strike.

"Out!" Arthur bellowed, pointing violently to the door. "OUT!"

Ludwig, terrified, obeyed.

Arthur Kirkland suffered from a disease that some called Danbury shakes, but is more commonly known as mercury poisoning. It was pretty common among hatters due to the fact that, when they felted pelts for hats, they used a dilute solution made of mercuric nitrate and mercury. Inhaling the vapors from this solution for years upon years would, inevitably, lead to mercury poisoning in hatters.

The mercury that Arthur had been inhaling for a good ten years slowly but surely destroyed his internal workings and scrambling his brain. Eventually, his kidneys went on the blink, and, after ten years of talking to the Fae, Mad Arthur's business closed for good.

This fact was discovered when the wife of a wealthy composer entered the shop one day to find Arthur on the floor of his shop naked, covered with hats, painted with mercury, and dead.


Yeah. Just like my other story thing, if you watch the show and have suggestions for who should do what, leave a review. If you don't, review anyway and tell me how horribly morbid I am for laughing at a guy who jumps in a lake, gets a colon-ful of water, and drowns (you'll see later if you don't know).

Oh, and tell me if there are any mistakes. I dont meen 2 miss spel werds, but i do sumtiems.