The truth was, she struggled with it still. She wanted to overcome it, to get on with her life, to stop living in this place, this limbo…she wanted to move on from her memories and live life again.
It was always easier said than done.
He hadn't died like a hero. He'd died out of weakness. And she wanted to bring him back so much. When she stood at his grave, she stared down into the ground and willed him to come back to her. But he couldn't. There just wasn't that much magic in the world.
Death. She'd overcome it before. But she'd never been close to Cedric or Dumbledore. Not like this. Her and Harry…they'd had a special relationship. They were close, without being close. They'd hug on occasion, but they wouldn't talk deeply about things…unless they had to. And yet now she felt like life couldn't go on without him.
Why did you leave me, Harry? How am I supposed to do this on my own? How am I supposed to keep fighting?
Not the war, the war was finished. But not for her. Her war was still going on, her war with life. Part of her just wished all this would end just so she could see his face again. She needed to talk to him again. She needed to see those eyes, that smile, that face that she used to see every morning in the same seat every day. She couldn't cope with the gap he'd left behind him.
At the start, it had all been new and raw and strange, and she'd thought that she would be strong enough to cope. Everyone told her it would get better, but she was doing fine then so she really did believe she'd be okay.
Over time, it became more and more real.
And now that everyone seemed to be able to pick themselves up and move on, she felt like she was stuck. Left behind in a whirlwind of memories, pain, confusion and regret. And nobody but Harry would be able to take this whirlwind away.
God.
How did people deal with this? She couldn't, she just couldn't. But she couldn't keep dragging people down. Everyone was trying to move on, everyone really was, so she couldn't keep talking about him. But he was all that was on her mind, day and night. She stared at her photos of him, and wondered how he could still be there, and yet not be here with her. So many photos, so many memories, they seemed to mock her now…
They belonged in a different world. Before the whole world lost its colour.
All her troubles before Harry's death seemed so insignificant now.
Everything seemed insignificant now….everything but Harry.
Her friends tried to help her. Ron tried to raise her spirits everyday, and she knew that he was suffering too. She wondered had it just not hit him fully yet, or was it all just a bravado…or maybe he was just stronger than she was.
She didn't feel strong anymore.
As she stared out into the distance, out into the darkness, she wondered would things ever really be right again….
Ian, I'm still struggling to understand. Hope you finally have found a bit of peace xxx
Appreciate the little things, for one day you may look back and realise they were big things
