Chapter 1
All that could be heard was the humming of the engines. The Normandy purred smoothly, as Joker gently tapped the stationary button on the control panel. After double checking the stabilizers, he reluctantly turned off the screen.
Grabbing ahold of the leather chair arms, Joker pushed himself carefully up. He glanced over to the empty spot next to him, before continuing to limp down towards the elevator. As he walked down the lighted hallway, he noticed all the empty chairs and blacked out computers. The rest of the crew was already downstairs, waiting. Gently clicking the '2nd floor' option, Joker braced himself against the steel elevator wall as he began to descend. Resting his forehead on the cold metal, he closed his eyes momentarily, collecting himself. Ding. "Crew Deck" The automated voice stated. The soft sound of the elevator doors sounded, followed by an eerie silence.
Outside the elevator doors stood the entire crew, surrounding the memorial wall. Two columns ran down the board, filled with names in white lettering. Ashley Williams. Miranda Lawson. Thane Krios. Legion. Mordin Solus. Steve Cortez. Admiral Anderson. Edi. Joker quickly looked away from the last one, and continued to read on. The names just went on and on. All of them were friends. All of them had families. They would all be remembered. Every single one. The crew bowed their heads in respect to those they had lost.
Joker tried to stick towards the back of the group, wishing to spend this tragic moment alone. But Liara spotted him even before he had left the elevator. She slipped her small, blue hand towards him and pulled him towards the front. Garrus and Tali stand together, their hands intertwined, foreheads touching. James stands just to the left, his arms crossed across his broad chest, his face was blank. Traynor stood just in front of him, her eyes low to the ground, fingers laced together. Swallowing hard, Joker tried to contain himself. He focused on the emergency guiding lights on the ground. Suddenly, the swooshing of a door and everyone looked up.
Kaidan stepped through the doors of the observation deck, his head hung low. When he finally looked up, most of the crew could barely look him in the eyes. His complete misery was so painfully clear, his eyes drowning in sadness, his lips pursed together. In his hands, he held a long plaque - the reason why everyone was down on the crew deck.
Kaidan didn't really see anyone as he walked towards the memorial, everyone was just a blur of colours. As he got nearer to the board, his hands began to tremble. Stopping, Kaidan looked up at the board, at the names of his friends and colleagues. And then to the empty spot, that tore away at his soul - eating it whole.
Some members of the crew began shifting their feet, the silence making them feel extremely awkward. Realizing what they were expecting, Kaidan opened his mouth to speak, his back still facing the crew. "Comman-" His voice broke. Coughing, he tried again. "Commander Shep-." Choking on his words, he stopped again. He ran his fingertips across the white letters, feeling the crevices.
"I," He choked again. "I can't do this." Gripping the plaque in his hands, Kaidan ran towards the elevator. Before anyone could even look back at him the doors were shut.
Once inside Kaidan slumped into the side of the elevator, letting out the smallest of cries. He just stood there until he heard James just outside of the doors say, "Shit. Someone should see if he is okay." Not wanting that, Kaidan quickly clicked a level on the navigation panel, and then once again slumped his body but this time to the floor.
He kneeled there for a moment, his shoulders dropped and hands shaking before a small ding, and a female voice said over the intercom "Commander's Private Quarters". Pushing himself clumsily off of the ground, Kaidan wandered into her room.
Everything was the same. Just as they had left it, just two nights before. The glasses still sat on the coffee table, the smallest amount of whiskey left in one of them. Data pads scattered across her desk. A small pile of her clothes on the floor. The sheets still tangled on the bed from when they clumsily woke up.
Locking the door behind him, Kaidan placed the plaque on her desk. Placing his hands on the glass display above it, he admired the model ships that were placed inside. A small smile spread across his face, remembering how excited she would get when she bought a new model. Then his smile turned sad, as he realized she would never get to complete her collection.
He stepped down the steps, and moved towards the bed, sitting on the edge of it. Bending down, he untied the laces of his boots and kicked them off. It felt so good, to be out of them. He decided to take off his entire uniform, sick of looking at it. Harshly removing his clothes, Kaidan fell back into the bed automatically rolling over to his side.
He laid there for a moment, on top of the sheets, staring outside the window at the paradise they had stumbled upon. Kaidan thought about how much she would have loved this mysterious, little heaven. He soon shook the thought and began absently searching for the tangled sheets under him. Pulling them overtop of his bare chest, Kaidan breathed in deeply. All he could smell, was her sweet, sugary perfume. Closing his eyes, he just breathed it in, letting the sadness just overcome him.
She was gone. He lost her. Again. Kaidan replayed the last words they shared, over and over in his head.
"You gotta get out of here! Don't argue with me!" She had said, with her eyebrows furrowed.
"Why didn't I go with her? Why did I just let myself leave?" Kaidan said out loud, his eyes flashing open. He slammed his fist into the headboard above him, hating himself.
Gritting his teeth and blinking fast, Kaidan forced the tears that started to form in the corners of his eyes away. But one slipped past, and he felt a hot tear roll down his cheek and drip off of his face. More tears slowly followed. Kaidan just merely wiped them away, realizing as of now, he was not strong enough to keep them at bay. The anger slowly drained out of his body, leaving him feeling bankrupt inside.
With his body empty of anger and grief, exhaustion and pain suddenly hit Kaidan like a fist to the face. Every muscle was bruised and strained. A few bones even screamed for attention, possibly broken. A pounding throb began in his head. His chest felt heavy, and his eyelids even heavier. Deciding that he would rather not remain awake during this, he accepted the exhaustion gladly and slipped into a deep sleep.
