The Death of Rita Skeeter
By Evil Jason
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Harry Potter series or
anything connected to it. Trentan
Fallow, however, is my own invention.
Rita Skeeter fans… stand up and be counted, because I don't know
any. Still, if you are one, what are
you doing here? Didn't you read the
title? Anyway, let's move on.
It was an
unexpected and quite exciting occurrence at Hogwarts School of Wizardry. A visitor from another dimension had
arrived, one without any apparent magic.
His name was Trentan Fallow, and he was an object of much discussion
among the magical community: a Muggle who was actually able to see Hogwarts…
and appeared to be completely immune to magic.
The visitor
in question was currently living in an unidentified section of the school,
although Professor Snape was complaining of a lingering smell of tobacco smoke
in the dungeons. The only time Trentan
was accessible was when he a) was wandering through the school, or b) when he
was taking his meals in the cafeteria with the students. As he often threatened people who bothered
him while he was eating, all interviews were conducted in the hallways while he
was walking.
By the
third day of his visit, Trentan had done interviews with multiple wizard radio
stations, a group of fifth-years intent on using him as a research project, and
a personal interview with Headmaster Dumbledore (not counting a heated argument
with Argus Filch). The radio stations
left with the normal parcel of information (little to none), the fifth-years
walked away with an assignment guaranteed full marks, and Dumbledore became the
only person in Reality to know the full truth about Trentan Fallow.
On the
fourth day of Trentan Fallow's visit to Hogwarts School of Wizardry, Rita
Skeeter accosted him in the hallway.
How she got in is still an unanswered question, as Dumbledore had banned
the press from the school. It is most
likely that she snuck in as a beetle, her Animagus form.
"Mr.
Fallow," she began, taking out her Quick-Notes Quill as she spoke, "I'm Rita
Skeeter with the Daily Prophet.
I understand that you are the first Muggle to ever visit Hogwarts. Tell me, what's it like being the only
person in the building who cannot use magic?"
It must be noted that Rita started off well, as Trentan hated it when
strangers called him by his first name.
However, she committed two cardinal sins: first by using the word
"Muggle", and second, by bringing up his non-magical status in two consecutive
sentences.
Trentan,
understandably annoyed, responded, "No comment, and you can quote me on
that." With that, he spun around and
headed off. To his surprise, Rita
Skeeter was still in his way, now asking, "I want to ask you, do you have any
magical abilities whatsoever?" A third
sin: she was asking a rhetorical question.
Trentan
tried heading off in a new direction, but Ms. Skeeter was still in his
way. Now very irritated, he spat out,
"I no longer give interviews. Move it!" He crouched, jumped over Rita's head, and
landed on the opposite side. During the
jump, and as he recovered, his coat went askew, showing off the variety of guns
he carried around.
Now Rita
Skeeter was very curious.
Somewhat rudely (although courtesy was beyond her), she asked, "What are
those things you're wearing? They look
very Mugglish."
An idea
formed in Trentan's head. Opening his
coat fully, he pulled one of his pistols out of its holster, which was
permanently attached to his pants.
Showing it off, he began, "These are what Muggles call 'guns'. They are essentially long metal tubes, which
fire a projectile at high speeds when the trigger…" He pointed it out. "…Is pulled, thus igniting 'gunpowder' and
causing a very small explosion which propels the projectile, which is referred
to as a 'bullet'."
Now Rita
was interested. Sucking on the feather
end of her quill, she said, "I'd ask you to demonstrate how your 'gun' works,
but since it's a Muggle item, it wouldn't work…"
Trentan
actually laughed – half at the question and half because his plan was
working. "My guns are hardly Muggle
items. I've had them all set up with
some interesting magic options – one of my pistols shoots fire, for
example. The gun I've got in my hands
is what I call the Quickshot. It can
fire anywhere between one to fifteen bullets, depending on how I set it." As he spoke, Trentan shifted his Quickshot
into his right hand and showed off a dial on the side of the chamber,
stealthily setting it to "fifteen bullets" and cocking the hammer as he did so.
Rita's eyes
were very wide at this point. "So they
do work here? Interesting…" She had
gotten the scoop of the year – Trentan had never brought up his guns in the
radio interviews. "So, could you please
demonstrate what it looks like when a gun fires?"
"Of
course!" Trentan said, raising his Quickshot to eye level and taking aim at
Rita Skeeter's head. "All I do is
this…"
He pulled
the trigger. It took a week of constant
Scouring Charms to clean up the mess.