GOTHAM! (Police sirens wail in the distance)
STARRING BEN MCKENZIE! Gordon gets out of his squad car and someone shoots at him. He shoots back.
ALSO STARRING DONAL LOGUE! Bullock is filing papers at the precinct, when a man in flames comes running by screaming and crashes through the window. Bullock shoots his gun as someone shoots at him.
AND DANIEL DAY-LEWIS AS ABRAHAM LINCOLN! Abe Lincoln is in his seat at Ford Theater and someone (probably John Wilkes Booth) shoots his hat off. He turns around in surprise, and shoots back.
TONIGHT'S SPECIAL GUEST STAR: JUSTIN BIEBER! Justin Bieber is being lifted up on the stage for a concert, wearing angel wings. The rope he's tethered to snaps, and he falls. A piano that is being lifted up then falls on him.
TONIGHT'S EPISODE: A BAT OUT OF HELL! ("Crime Never Sleeps!")
We open at a movie theatre, where young Bruce Wayne walks out with his parents after just seeing a rousing adventure movie.
"That movie was so cool, dad!" Bruce exclaims, "I wanna be like Zorro when I grow up!"
"You'll have plenty of time to hunt down criminal scum when your older, son!" Thomas says, "Remember, criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot!"
"Thomas Wayne, don't go telling him that!" Martha says, "You'll give him nightmares!"
"Oh, Martha," Thomas says, "The boy needs to know the harsh reality of life!"
"Yeah, starting with this!" comes a voice from the shadows, as a mugger points a gun at them, "Gimme yer money, fat cats!"
"You think I'm fat?" Martha exclaims, as she smacks the mugger with her purse.
"Don't you dare call my wife, fat!" Thomas says, "Just because she wears plus-size pantyhose doesn't mean she's fat!" He started attacking the mugger.
"I want your money!" he shouts.
"We don't give anything to rude people!" Martha scoffs.
"Alright, that tears it!" the mugger yells, "Guess the kid's gonna be an orphan now!" He shoots them both. They reel around dramatically as they fall to their deaths.
"MOM! DAD!" Bruce shouts.
"Uh-oh, better get out of here!" the mugger says.
"Remember…son..." Thomas says weakly, wheezing with every breath, "You need to…protect this city! Ohhh!"
"Dad!" Bruce cries, "I'll get a doctor!"
"No!" Thomas cries, "Your knee is on my groin, son!"
"Oh, sorry dad!" Bruce says.
"And remember…Bruce," Martha says, "Clean your room and… mind your manners. Don't talk to strangers and… do your… homework every night! And…make sure to eat all your vegetables! Listen to… Alfred!"
"We…love you, son!" Thomas says, as they take their last breaths.
"I love you, too!" Bruce says, sobbing. "I promise you, your deaths will not be in vain! I will avenge your deaths as a silent protector, a watchful guardian, and I will make sure to invest your money in my private collection of winged rodent-themed crime fighting equipment! And should any aliens come to Earth, I'm gonna kick their butts unless they have a mom with the same name as mine!"
The next day, a squad car comes drives down the road.
My name is Detective James Gordon, special task force division of the GCPD. I was getting my haircut when I received a summons from the precinct. Some rich kid's parents just got shot. I headed to Stately Wayne Manor as fast as I could. My partner, Harvey, was already on the scene. As he narrates, his barber is in the backseat of the car, continuing to cut his hair as he drives. When Gordon gets to Wayne Manor, he crashes into a row of trash cans, knocking them over. Alfred Pennyworth answers the door.
"Right this way, sir," Alfred says, as he directs Gordon inside.
"What's the story, Harv?" as he comes over to Bullock.
"Well, Jim," Harvey says, "They've got a lot. Alice in Wonderland, The Prince and the Pauper, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde…"
"No, I mean the case," Gordon says.
"It is a pretty firm bookcase," Alfred says.
"No, the crime!" Gordon says. "Can I speak with the boy?"
"He's right upstairs!" Alfred says, "Master Bruce, come on down here lad!"
"Yes?" Bruce asks as he comes down, draped in a black cloak.
"He's been upstairs for hours, dressed in black and trying to do martial arts," Alfred says, "He's been sleeping upside-down. And don't get me started on the excrement."
"Sorry to bother you, Mr. Wayne," Gordon says, "We would've come earlier, but your parents weren't dead then." Bruce starts crying.
"Be quiet," Alfred snaps, "Can't you see you're hurtin' the boy?"
"Oh, he looks fine to me!" Gordon says, "Not a scratch on 'im!"
"I mean emotionally!" Alfred says, "He just saw his mum and dad murdered in front of 'is eyes! Can you imagine how traumatic that must be?"
"No, can't say that I do," Gordon replies, "I did see my mother almost get tumbled to death in a washer when I was ten, though. We were at the laundromat, and Mom got too close to the washer and got sucked in after the handyman made some adjustments to the appliance." Bruce and Alfred are horrified.
"When the paramedics finally arrived a half hour later, Mom was a wreck. She could barely move. All she kept moaning was, 'Make sure Jimmy has clean underwear every day.'" Gordon continues, "Yeah, she was never the same after that. Hasn't washed her clothes since. Kids today don't even know what a laundromat is anymore."
"Still can't believe it," Alfred says, crying, "Thomas Wayne was the best employer I've ever worked for! Cut down in the prime of his life! That's no way for a man to die!"
"You're right!" Jim says, "Gunned down by a plane in a cornfield, now that's a way to die! Choking on the world's biggest ham sandwich, that's the way I wanna go!" Alfred and Bruce continue crying.
"Uh, could we check out the scene of the crime?" Harvey asks.
"Of course," Alfred says, as they walk into the study. They head over to a screen, and a projector rolls.
"The crime, scene 1, Action!" a director calls. Bruce's parents are shot.
"Devastating," Jim says, as Bruce runs away crying.
"Oh, and I think I have someone that could help you." Alfred says, "Dr. Thompkins, would you come down here, please?" Suddenly, a gorgeous woman starts slowly walking down the staircase, as Jim and Harvey are mesmerized, their lustful gaze, following her seductive stare as they lock eyes. Suddenly, the woman trips and falls down the stairs.
"Someone get a doctor over here!" Gordon yells.
"I am a doctor," Thompkins says, "And it's ok, I'm fine. My name is Dr. Leslie Thompkins, but my friends call me Lee."
"Nice to meet you, Lee," Jim says, as he kisses her hand.
"I'm a friend of Bruce's late father, and I thought I could console Bruce now," Leslie says, as Jim continues to kiss her hand.
"You can console me," Jim says, as she smacks him.
"Hey, let's not get off on the wrong foot here," Bullock says as he accidentally trips over Alfred's foot, "Let's go investigate the crime." Later, in Crime Alley, Jim, Harvey, and Leslie survey the scene. Someone is taking a selfie with the bodies of Thomas and Martha Wayne. They walk over the chalk drawing of the bodies. There is also a drawing a stick figures fighting on the wall of the alley.
"Were there any witnesses?" Jim asks.
"Besides the Wayne kid? No." Harvey says.
"Did someone dust for prints?" Jim asks.
"Taking care of that right now," Harvey says, as a maid dusts off a nearby framed photograph of the late singer, Prince.
"Hey," a young, female voice whispers, as Jim goes over to a dark corner of the alley. He sees a young girl dressed in black with curly hair and goggles on her head. "I may have seen somethin'."
"Who are you?" Jim asks.
"The name's Selina Kyle," she says, "but my friends call me Cat."
"Ok, Cat, what did you see?" he asks.
"I wish I could remember" Selina says, "but it's all so blurry."
"I'll make it worth your while," Jim says, handing her a twenty dollar bill.
"My memory's still kinda fuzzy," Selina says.
"Ok, maybe this'll help!" Jim says, as he hands her another twenty.
"There was this man." Selina says, "He was wearing a mask. He shot them and ran away."
"Did he say anything before or after he shot them?" Jim asks.
"Why should I tell you, copper?" Selina asks. He hands her ten dollars. "Alright, he asked for their money. Why do you care, anyway?"
"You don't need to know." Jim says. She hands him a twenty. "Alright, I'm on a case. Do you know the killer's name?" She glares at him, and looks to the side in silence. He gives her back the twenty.
"He didn't say," Selina says.
"Hey, Jim," Harvey calls, "We got a lead! I talked to a couple of Falcone's guys down the street, and they said the suspect might be a joe named Chill."
"You're the one who needs to chill, Harv," Jim says.
I couldn't get any solid information out of the girl, and we couldn't pin down any credible leads. I went to an old friend of mine who knew his way around town. Jim narrates, as he walks down another alley to a shoe shiner. He sits in a chair.
"What's the word on the street, Johnny?" Jim asks.
"I don't know," Johnny says, as he shines his shoes. "I hear a lotta things. Pick a topic."
"Do you know anything about the Wayne murders that happened a couple blocks over?" Jim asks, as he slips him a dollar.
"People are saying it wasn't no random mugging," Johnny says, as he looks around while continuing to shine Jim's shoes, "Word in the criminal underworld is that the hitman was hired by a mob boss. Maybe Falcon, Moxon, or Maroni."
"Do you know if he was seen anywhere prior to the killing?" Jim asks, as he hands him another dollar.
"All I know is," Johnny says, "that he was seen at Mooney's place two nights ago, counting his chips with the Valestra mob."
"Thanks, Johnny," Jim says, as he gets up and walks away. Moments later, a middle-aged blonde woman in a blue pantsuit sits down.
"Alright, Johnny," she says, "How am I doing with the voters?"
"How should I know? he asks. She slips him a twenty dollar bill. "The millennials don't like you very much, but you're getting the majority of democratic votes. You'll be a shoo-in for president!" Later, at Fish Mooney's nightclub, Jim Gordon and Harvey Bullock walk in.
"May I check your coats, gentlemen?" a girl by the entrance asks.
"Sure," Gordon says. She then takes a marker and draws a check mark on each of their coats. Jim and Harvey go sit at a nearby table. Fish Mooney's bodyguard, Butch Gilzean, comes up to them.
"Hey boss," Butch says, "The boss will see you now!" They walk into her office and stand facing her desk, the chair facing backwards towards the wall.
"I heard you boys are looking for trouble," Fish says. The chair whirls around, revealing it to be empty. The camera pans over and Fish is standing next to her desk in a dark corner of the room. "And there's always plenty of trouble here in Gotham!"
"Fish, we need some information," Harvey says.
"Hold it, Harvey, who's the new guy?" Fish asks.
"Detective James Gordon, ma'am." Gordon says, as he shakes her hand.
"Charmed," Fish says, as she squeezes his hand. She lets go, and Jim massages his hand. "Now, what can I do for you boys?"
"We're investigating the murder of Thomas and Martha Wayne," Gordon says.
"Well, that's pretty adventurous," Fish says, "Especially for a rookie cop. Why come to me?"
"We have reason to believe the suspect was last seen here at your club prior to shooting the Waynes." Gordon says.
"Well, I don't know for sure," Fish says, "Butch or Oswald will have the records of the guests who were here that night."
"Here's everything," Butch says, setting down a box of vinyl records.
"Cigarette?" Jim asks, offering Fish a cancer stick.
"Yes, I know." Fish says.
"Wow, they got everything from Sinatra to Nat King Cole," Harvey says, examining the records, "But Fish, are you sure you didn't see anyone suspicious?"
"Harvey, everyone who comes into my club is suspicious!" Fish says, "We got tons of mobsters! There's no way to know for sure if the murderer was here!"
"You may be right," Jim says, picking up a record labeled, "The Killers", and looks at it quizzically. "Uh, we'll call you if we find any leads, Ms. Mooney."
"You do that, gorgeous." Fish says. She smiles at them as they leave. Her smile quickly turns to a grimace, and she crushes the record she is holding.
