JackalGod: Basically it's an AR/AU Ouran Host Club. It's the story of Ouran Host Club but a 'what if Haruhi was actually a guy' scenario. Please enjoy. Most generic scene lines have been recreated except for ones that contain foreshadowing or comments on the situation, like 'But opening the door I found the Host Club instead.' Before such a move one wouldn't know about the host club. But I've tried my best to do most. Of course as the fic goes on certain scenes will have to be changed to fit the fact that Haruhi is actually a guy and not a girl. But it is an AU story so that's expected. In any case please enjoy.
Chapter 1 – You're a Host Starting Today!
Haruhi sighed as he closed the door of the schools fourth reading room.
"There are like four reading rooms," he whined climbing the stairs. "But why is it noisy everywhere? Rich kids all seem like they're at school to play." He paused outside another door, reading the sign plate above it. "A music room not being used. I guess this would be the only place I can study quietly." He turned the handle and was immediately surrounded by rose petals.
"Welcome," came voices from inside. Haruhi froze the door slipping closed behind him.
"Ouran Private Academy is defined by one; prestigious families, and two; wealth. And prosperous people have much time on their hands. Therefore, this Ouran Host Club is about these handsome guys that have time, giving hospitality to these lovely ladies who also have time and profit off of them. It's an elegant game unique to this super-rich school," explained Tamaki.
"Ho…ho…Host Club?" exclaimed Haruhi pressing himself against the door.
"What? It's a guy?" complained the twins in unison.
"Hikaru and Kaoru, you two are in the same class as this guest right?" asked Kyoya curious.
"Yeah but," replied the twins. "This person doesn't go along with others well, so we really don't know him at all." Kyoya smirked at this.
"That's quite rude actually," he commented making the twins shrug, before turning to Haruhi. "Welcome to the Ouran Host Club, special student."
"Nani!?" exclaimed Tamaki excitedly as Haruhi began to fumble with the door handle in his eagerness to leave. "So he's that exceptional special student Haruhi Fujioka!?"
"Why do you know my name?" asked Haruhi nervously.
"Well the way the school works makes it hard for commoners to get in," explained Kyoya. "They say it's pretty hard to be excepted as a special student unless you're a studious bookworm."
"Ahh, why thank you," stammered Haruhi not at all sure it was actually a complement or not.
"Yes," said Tamaki placing an arm around Haruhi's shoulders. "In other words, you are a hero Fujioka-kun. Even if you are the number one student in your class, you are the poorest student in the whole school." Haruhi edged away at this comment starting to feel uncomfortable. Tamaki not at all deterred followed. "While others might marginalize you as a lowly civilian,"
"No, I'm not as bad as you make me sound," complained Haruhi.
"Come on why not?" asked Tamaki. "All hail poverty! Welcome to our elegant world, pauper!"
"Please excuse me," deadpanned Haruhi heading for the door again only to be stopped as Huni energetically grabbed his arms and dragged him back into the room.
"Ne, Haru-chan! Haru-chan!" he exclaimed brightly. "Haru-chan you're a hero? That's awesome!"
"A special student, not a hero," replied Haruhi then realized exactly what Huni had called him. "Wait! Who are you calling Haru-chan!?" Huni immediately backed off tears gathering in his eyes.
"But," began Tamaki thoughtfully. "I never imagined the famous bookworm to be gay."
"Gay?" asked Haruhi confused.
"So, what type do you fancy?" asked Tamaki gesturing to the Host Club. "The wild type? The loli-shota type? The little devil type? The cool type?"
"N…no!" exclaimed Haruhi backing up. "I was just searching for a quiet place to study!" Tamaki moved forward gracefully, encircling Haruhi's face with a gentle hand, making the boy shiver.
"Or, how about you try me?" he asked seductively. "Wanna go?" With a cry Haruhi jumped back, right into a pedestal holding a vase, which crashed to the floor breaking into hundreds of pieces.
"Ahh," sighed the twins together before Hikaru continued. "Rene's flower vase that was the target for our in-school auction."
"That's not good," continued Kaoru. "And we thought we could've reaped up to eight million yen off of this."
"Eight million yen!?" exclaimed Haruhi in shock. "Wait how many thousand is that? How many thousands make eight million yen?" He slowly turned around to face the Host Club. "Umm, about paying for this?"
"Are you able to?" asked the twins in unison. "Someone who can't even buy our designated uniform. Besides what's with that stupid outfit?"
"What should we do Tamaki?" asked Kyoya picking up one of the broken pieces. Tamaki sighed and sat down in a nearby chair, crossing his legs.
"Have you ever heard the saying, Fujioka-kun?" he asked his expression having lost all it's earlier warmth. "When in Rome do as the Romans so. If you don't have the money then work it off. Starting today, you're the Host Clubs dog!"
"This is terrible, Mom," thought Haruhi. "I've been captured by this bizarre Host Club."
Soon enough the Host Club was opened and girls from all over the High School had come to be with the Hosts.
"What type of music do you like, Tamaki-kun?" asked one girl.
"Of course, it is the song we share in our memories," replied Tamaki softly, making the girl blush.
"I baked you some cake today," said another. "Could you try it?"
"If you'd let me," purred Tamaki gently holding the girl's face.
"Oh, Tamaki-kun," she swooned.
"Tamaki-kun, I've heard about it," said yet another putting down her cup, though her tone wasn't particularly happy. "That you've taken in a little stray cat."
"I wouldn't call him a stray cat, but rather," replied Tamaki as Haruhi re-entered the room. "Well, speak of the devil. Little piggy, well done with your errand. Did you buy the correct items?"
"Piggy?" groaned Haruhi holding a paper bag.
"And what's this," asked Tamaki taking a jar from the bag.
"Coffee as you can see," replied Haruhi.
"I haven't seen this maker before," replied Tamaki slightly confused. "Is this the kind where it's already ground?"
"No, it's the instant kind," said Haruhi.
"Instant?" asked one of the girls completely lost.
"Ohh!" said Tamaki suddenly understanding. "This is the type where all you have to do is add hot water to it! The so-called commoner coffee!"
"Oh my!" exclaimed one of the girls, as everyone started gathering around, "So that's the famous?"
"So it's true?" added another girl. "That poor people drink this because they can't grind coffee beans with the little time they have."
"Commoner wisdom I see," noted Tamaki reading the label.
"300 yen for 100 grams, huh?" noted Hikaru.
"What an extraordinary price," added Kaoru.
"I'll go buy it again," said Haruhi getting irritated. "Sorry for not buying expensive coffee nuts!"
"No, wait," said Tamaki jumping to his feet. "I'll try this!" Everyone gasped. "I'll try this out," he repeated and everyone broke into awed applause. "Alright Haruhi. Come over here and make us some commoner coffee."
"You rich bastards," thought Haruhi.
"Tamaki-sama is dallying to much," said the serious girl turning to Haruhi as the others moved away. "There is no way such a personal favourite coffee bought by a lowly commoner would suit his taste."
"Huh?"
"Excuse me," said the girl. "I was just talking to myself."
"Haruhi!" called Tamaki from across the room, where the group had gathered around a table.
"Yeah, yeah," he replied dully. After getting some hot water he set about making the coffee. Once done he put the cups on a tray and handed them to Tamaki. "Here coffee is served."
"Let's enjoy," said Tamaki getting excited.
"I might be a little scared to try it," said one of the girls, looking into her cup with a worried expression.
"Father will scold me if I drink this kind," said another.
"Would you drink it if we went mouth-to-mouth?" asked Tamaki seductively making all the girls blush and nod.
Across the room Hikaru and Kaoru were serving some other girls who weren't interested in the coffee. Hikaru was in the middle of telling the girls a story, with Kaoru looking unhappy.
"And then he said he woke up shocked from a nightmare,"
"Hikaru," complained Kaoru looking embarrassed. "Speaking of that, in front of others is so mean." Tears began forming in his eyes, his face flushed. "Speaking of that…"
"Kaoru," said Hikaru shocked then gently took his twins face in his hand bringing their faces close. "Sorry Kaoru. You just looked so cute that moment. I just…"
"Hikaru," replied Kaoru. At the table the girls squealed in happiness also blushing.
"It's the beautiful brotherly love!"
"Why are you crying in joy?" deadpanned Haruhi as he walked passed carrying a tea tray. "I do not get it."
"Sorry!" came Huni's voice as he and Mori entered the room, Huni riding on Mori's back. "I'm late."
"Huni-kun! Mori-kun!" greeted the girls who were waiting for them. "We've waited for so long."
"Sorry," repeated Huni, as Mori removed the smaller boy and gently placed him on the ground. "I fell asleep waiting for Takashi-kun at the Kendo club." He yawned and rubbed his eyes cutely. "I'm still kinda sleepy."
"He's so cute," squealed the girls.
"Is he really a senior?" asked Haruhi watching the group.
"Don't look at his appearance," said Kyoya walking up to him. "Huni-senpai is a brilliant student. And Mori's selling point is his taciturnity."(I don't actually know what this word means but it was in the sub)
"Ha-ru-chan!" greeted Huni suddenly glomping onto Haruhi. "Wanna eat cake with us Haru-chan?"
"No, I don't really like sweets," confessed Haruhi.
"Then I'll lend you my bunny!" exclaimed Huni not at all put off.
"No, I don't really like bunnies either," said Haruhi.
"You don't like my bunny?" asked Huni thrusting the stuffed toy in Haruhi's face.
"It's cute," confessed Haruhi a light blush on his cheeks.
"Take good care of it okay?" said Huni before dashing off to go be with the girls again.
"Our club utilises everyone's unique traits, as our policy is to satisfy our customers needs," explained Kyoya. "By the way, Tamaki is our number one host – the king. 70 of the customers designate him as their host."
"The end of the world is here huh?" said Haruhi dully.
"By the way, your debt being eight million yen, you'll be this clubs dog until graduation," he smiled kindly at this with a soft laugh. "Ah, my apologies. You'll be in charge of trivial chores. You are free to run away," he added making Haruhi begin to sweat. "But my family has over a hundred private police. Do you have a passport?"
"Huh?" asked Haruhi starting to become seriously worried.
"That's right," said Tamaki appearing out of no where. "Work like a dog, eh, Dasaoka-kun."(1) He gently blew against the back of Haruhi's neck making the boy jump.
"Please stop that," begged Haruhi.
"You won't be popular with the ladies if you're so pathetic," said Tamaki casually.
"I'm not really interested in that," admitted Haruhi.
"What are you saying?" asked Tamaki suddenly holding up a rose. "It's a very important issue. A good man making women happy is everything."
"It doesn't really matter does it?" asked Haruhi. "Men, women or looks. It's what's inside that matters for a person. I'm clueless as to why this club even exists."
"It's such a cruel thing," said Tamaki dramatically. "God sometimes creates perfect beings with perfects insides and outsides."
"Huh?"
"I can understand the feeling of consoling yourself like that," said Tamaki. "You wouldn't be able to live with yourself otherwise. But think about this carefully. Why are there art pieces in the museum? Yes beautiful things show themselves off because it is their duty,"
"What word do you use for people like him?" wondered Haruhi as he half-listened to Tamaki's speech.
"…and so, for people who crave their beauty," continued Tamaki. "I stood up and created this Host Club. Working night and day in pursuit of beauty."
"Let's see," mused Haruhi still deep in thought. "Let's see what was it?"
"It may be unnecessary with your looks," ploughed on Tamaki unconcerned that Haruhi wasn't even listening to him. "But let me pass onto you my elegant techniques. When you put a glass down always use your pinky as a cushion first. That way there won't be a loud sound and you'll find where you left it easier. Doesn't it look classier this way?"
"Troublesome?" tried Haruhi but it didn't sound right. "Nah, there was something more accurate than this."
"A good man should not make ungraceful sounds, and I love to see my reflection in the glass," added Tamaki approaching Haruhi. "Finally at the best moment, a look from a low angle is very effective."
"Ah I know," said Haruhi suddenly out loud.
"Did you heart pump a little faster?" asked Tamaki misinterpreting his words.
"Obnoxious," said Haruhi making Tamaki freeze. He whimpered and crawled into his corner of woe. "Umm, Tamaki-senpai?" The twins who had been watching from nearby suddenly laughed.
"You are a hero after all," they said patting Haruhi on the head.
"Such a troublesome person," groaned Haruhi, then put on a fake smile. "I'm sorry, I was a bit touched." Tamaki stood up and turned around a bright smile suddenly on his face.
"I see, I see!" he exclaimed eagerly. "Then let me teach you more techniques!"
"He recovered fast," deadpanned Haruhi.
"My lord?" asked Hikaru.
"Call me King," interrupted Tamaki.
"Even if you taught him the basics of being a host," said Hikaru.
"In his case he doesn't even pass the most basic visual criteria, right?" added Kaoru moving in front of Haruhi and eying him critically. "Even if you take off his glasses, his eyes will appear even small…" he paused as he removed Haruhi's glasses staring at the eyes beneath them.
"Ah wait," protested Haruhi. "I lost my contacts on the first day of school" Suddenly Tamaki charged up pushing the twins out of the way. He clicked his fingers and the twins jumped to attention.
"Hikaru, Kaoru!" he called.
"Yes!" they announced, grabbing Haruhi and carrying him from the room ignoring the boy's protests.
"Kyoya you call the hair designed," commanded Tamaki pointing at the boy who'd already pulled out his mobile in preparation. "Mori get us some contacts from the nurse!" Mori nodded and left the room.
"Tama-chan what about me?" asked Huni eagerly.
"Huni-senpai you," said Tamaki
"Yeah, yeah!?"
"Eat the cakes please," said Tamaki making Huni deflate.
"You know," moped Huni going to sit down at the tables again. "He said everyone else had important stuff to do."
In the change room Hikaru and Kaoru held out a school uniform for Haruhi.
"Here put this on," they ordered.
"What?" exclaimed Haruhi backing up.
"No questions!" replied the twins pouncing on the poor boy, taking his clothes off and forcing him into the uniform.
"No, stop!" complained Haruhi feeling uncomfortable that the twins were seeing him nearly naked.
"What's the matter?" teased Hikaru. "You small or something?"
"Shut up!" snapped Haruhi.
A short time later Haruhi emerged from the boy's change rooms, his hair styled, his new contacts in showing his eyes, and wearing a set of the schools uniform.
"Umm, senpai?" he asked fingering the collar nervously. "Is it really okay for me to take this uniform?"
"You look so cute," squeed Tamaki. "You're like a girl."
"Haru-chan you're so cute," agreed Huni.
"If you were so good looking," pouted Hikaru.
"Then say so earlier," finished Kaoru.
"He might get customers like this," summed Kyoya.
"Yes just as I predicted," said Tamaki confidently. "You've graduated from trivial chores! Starting today you're an official member of the Host Club. I'll personally train you into a first class host! If you gather a hundred customers that designate you, your eight million yen debt will be gone."
"A host?" groaned Haruhi not at all liking the idea.
Later that day Haruhi found himself sitting at a table with a group of girls, all of whom were eyeing him intently.
"Haruhi-kun," said one. "What are your hobbies Haruhi-kun?"
"Do you take care of your skin in some special way?" asked another.
"It's so beautiful," admired a third.
"It's, it's over," thought Haruhi. "I have no clue what to do."
"Why did you join this club, Haruhi-kun?" asked all three suddenly in unison.
"Eh?" asked Haruhi taken slightly by surprise. "That's right. If I can gather a hundred customers that designate me, then my eight million yen debt will be gone. That was the deal."
From across the room Tamaki watched Haruhi nervously, wondering if he'd be able to handle being a host.
"So?" asked one of the girls at Haruhi's table. "Your mother passed away ten years ago from sickness? So what about house chores?"
"Ah," replied Haruhi. "I do those myself. My mothers was very skilled at cooking. She left me a lot of recipes when she stayed at the hospital. It was very fun to learn them one by one, and my father would get very happy on the days I could do them properly. I really love those times," he finished with a soft smile.
"Umm," asked the girls completely enraptured. "Could we…designate you tomorrow as well?"
"Ah, that would help me out a lot," replied Haruhi.
"He's being accepted," commented Tamaki.
"A complete natural," added Kyoya.
"He doesn't need techniques," noted the twins.
"Tamaki-sama."
"Ah, forgive me my princess," apologies Tamaki having realised he'd left his customer hanging. "I was just concerned about our kid there."
"You seem to have your eye on that person a lot," she noted.
"Of course," replied Tamaki. "I am raising him like my child." He snapped his fingers catching Haruhi's attention. "Haruhi come here for a second." Haruhi nodded and left his table to join Tamaki and his customers.
"Yes?" he asked.
"Give your salutations," said Tamaki gesturing to his customer. "My customer, Princess Ayanokoji."
"Ah that person from before," thought Haruhi remembering, but smiled anyway. "Pleased to meet you."
"That's so cute Haruhi!" exclaimed Tamaki suddenly glomping Haruhi. "That shy looking face is good! Very good!"
"Tamaki-sama?" asked Ayanokoji slightly irritated that she'd been ignored again.
"How cute," continued Tamaki as Haruhi struggled against him.
"Mori-senpai!" he cried out. "Help me please!" In a flash Mori was across the room and pulling Haruhi away from Tamaki, holding the boy in the air out of Tamaki's reach.
"Mori-senpai?" asked Tamaki shocked. "You didn't have to go that far. Come on, come back to papa's arms."
"I don't need two fathers," whined Haruhi as Mori put him down.
The next day after class, as Haruhi was getting ready to leave for the Host Club he noticed that his school bag was missing.
"Hmm, my bag is gone," he noted looking around, then catching sight of something outside the window. Outside in the school pond was his bag. "Oh no. I thought there wouldn't be any bullying at this academy."
He quickly left the classroom, running through the halls, eager to get his bag as quickly as possible. In the hallway he ran into Ayanokoji.
"Ah, you," she said making Haruhi stop. "You look tidy now thanks to Tamaki-sama, huh? Maybe you should fix your ill-bred nature to?" With that she walked off leaving Haruhi alone.
"Well I'm pretty sure that girl was the culprit," sighed Haruhi as he waded into the pond a few minutes later to get his bag. "Regardless of her reason, I need to find my wallet, or else I won't have money for supper tonight."
"Yo, commoner," came Tamaki's voice. "You got a lot of guts to skip on club activities, eh? Why are you washing your bag?"
"I dropped it by accident," lied Haruhi not wanting to make a fuss. "I can't find my food money for this week." Sudden splashing made Haruhi turns to see Tamaki wading into the pond to join him, his pants rolled up like his.
"It's okay," said Haruhi. "You'll get wet to."
"It's okay to get wet," assured Tamaki. "As they say, handsome men can't be hurt by water. Oh, is this what you were looking for." He held up a small wallet. He walked over to where Haruhi was staring at him. "What's wrong. You daydreaming now? Have you fallen for me?"
"Who would," quipped Haruhi snatching the wallet back.
"But why are you dong this?" asked Tamaki.
"Umm, I accidentally dropped it out the window," lied Haruhi.
Having received his bag, Haruhi and Tamaki quickly headed off to the Host Club, where Haruhi found he'd be designated by Ayanokoji.
"My, that was unfortunate," she said after he'd explained why he was late. "A bag fell into a pond by itself?"
"Why did this person designate me?" complained Haruhi to himself.
"But in order to pick up that dirty bag," continued Ayanokoji. "You bothered Tamaki-sama's precious hands for that. You really do not know your place do you? Tamaki-sama is concerned with you because your background in unusual Do not mistake it for him actually adoring you."
"Basically," said Haruhi understanding. "You're being jealous?" Almost immediately Haruhi found himself on the floor above the girl, the table and tea cups crashing to the floor. Ayanokoji screamed.
"Haruhi-kun suddenly got violent!" she cried attracting everyone's attention. "Someone help me quick! Get this commoner off…" she cut off as the pair were doused with water courtesy for the twins. "What are you doing?" Tamaki quickly helped the girl to her feet. "Tamaki-sama, Haruhi-kun wanted to…"
"How graceless," interrupted Tamaki. "You threw Haruhi's bag into the pond."
"How could you," exclaimed Ayanokoji. "Do you have any proof?"
"You're quite beautiful," continued Tamaki. "But you are not fit to be our customer. I know, Haruhi is not that kind of guy."
"Tamaki-sama, you fool!" cried Ayanokoji feeling the room in tears.
"For you," said Tamaki suddenly turning is attention to Haruhi. "I shall inform you of your punishment for causing a ruckus. Now you have to get a thousand customers."
"A…thousand," whimpered Haruhi.
"Here," said Tamaki offering his hand to Haruhi and helping him up. "I look forward to your progress, natural rookie."
"Here," said Kyoya handing Haruhi a bag. "This is a spare uniform for you. Go dry and change okay?"
"Sure, thanks," said Haruhi taking the bag. "I'll be right back okay?" With that he left the room to go change.
"We apologies for the disturbance," said Tamaki. "Please enjoy the rest of the day."
"So what do we all think of him?" asked Kyoya adjusting his glasses.
"I like him!" exclaimed Huni as Mori nodded.
"He'll be fun to play with," said the twins.
"I think he'll make a great Host," said Tamaki eagerly. The group nodded in unison before moving off to attend to their customers again.
(1) This name modification is an insult. Dasa Pathetic.
