Family Guy: My Family Portrait, By, Stewie Griffin.

By,

BakaBakurasotherlady.

Summary: Stewie's family, as described by him.

Disclaimer: Seth McFarlane owns the characters and Fox owns the show. Nor do I own Bruce Jenner.

Author's Note: I am a fan of the show and love the character of Stewie. I hope that people like this.

Rating: Teens and above. (Mostly due to violence and swearing).

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Camera turns on. We see Stewie Griffin in his pajamas.

ATTENTION WORLD! I, Stewie Griffin, BRILLIANT BABY AND ONE DAY RULER OF THE WORLD, have some information on a group of people that you, the reader, have come to call my "family". What I am about to tell you is vital! PAY ATTENTION! Or be destroyed. Now, back to the subjects at hand. I will list them all one by one, letting you make up your own mind.

Peter Griffin, also known as "The Fat Man": This man is an idiot, I mean a total moron. The only thing that he has done for me, other then getting me drunk when my gums were seething with pain, was to bring me the satellite dish for my plan to rid the world of broccoli. He is a witless provider. But he is also an effective weapon against the creatures that are known as "The Teletubbies," for that, his death shall be swift and painless.

Lois Griffin: The matriarch of the family. She is my personal nemesis. She teaches piano lessons and one point was a model. Yeah, that would have worked out. PLEASE! She has a hair cut that would make Bruce Jenner go running for the hills. To date, she has taken my mind control device, (damn her!), refused to kill me when my teeth were causing me unbearable pain, along with many other things that are too numerous for me to list here. She must be dealt with.

Chris Griffin: Not very bright, I mean, who has a talking zit? Who lets said zit take over their mind! THAT'S MY JOB! Also, who the hell goes around wearing the same damn hat every damn day? I mean COME ON! No wonder the evil monkey in his closet has it in for him, he's too gullible.

Meg Griffin: The human punching bag if I ever saw one. She has been the butt of many jokes. All of them hilarious. When I am ruler of the world, I shall have her personal anguish taped so that I can laugh at it. Also, again, what's the deal with wearing the same freakin' hat every day? Even in 99 degree weather? I mean, come on now! The hat looks like a freakin' condom for God's sake! That hat will meet its doom when I am ruler of the world.

Brian, also known as "Dog": A drunk, plain and simple. Always has a martini on hand. Never mind the fact that he has never finished the damn book that he was "writing". I mean, how the bloody hell difficult is it to write something? He's had enough bloody experiences to write about: Been on death row, feeling like a minority, being dumped by some lady who he met on a "reality" show. All of them would make a story that many people would love to read about.

Rupert: My friend and confident. Only he knows my deepest secrets. He's like that dog on the commercials for that brand of beans that has the "Family Recipe". (A/N: Don't own). But unlike that dog, Rupert will never sell out to the highest bidder, mostly because he knows what will happen to him if he does.

Well, there you go. The vital information on the people that I live with. NOW LEAVE ME! Its nap time and I do not wished to be disturbed.

Camera goes to static.

The End.