Once upon a time there was a vampire hunter named D. He was a gorgeous man, with long flowing hair, piercing eyes, and a skin problem on his left hand that probably could have been solved with dermatological excision, but maybe not. D was a solitary man, but unfortunately he was very handsome, and Mary Sues loved to seek him out and fall fainting at his feet, or make up stories involving hideous, cruel vampires that kidnapped their innocent little brothers and therefore they needed his help. Alas, most of them couldn't even pay him, though they did offer other, uh, methods of payment. D was getting mighty tired of all the abuse, and so he wrote with some trepidation to a classified ad in the paper that advertised the services of two people who called themselves The Mary Sue Hunters.
Korde and Sianne, they were called, although Sianne had suffered a broken leg in their last adventure against Demonic Princess Sue, and was convalescing in the home of Legolas, and thus does not make an appearance in this story. Korde was very interested in D's plight, and made all haste to the vampire hunter's side. It was quickly determined that a trap should be set. D was much aggrieved, because the trap involved him pretending to be helpless in the face of a truly evil vampire, and thus would require the help of Warrior Vampire Hunter Princess Goddess Sue, who had all other Mary Sues under her magic spell of enslavement. D did not like showing weakness, but according to Korde and the previously mentioned dermatological problem in D's left hand, it was a good plan.
So D and Korde set out one moonlit night, D staked himself out on a hillside, and Korde galloped full speed back to the village, crying to far and near that the vampire hunter D had been captured and was going to be executed! O Woe! Who was going to help the mighty hunter? Why, Warrior Vampire Hunter Princess Goddess Sue, of course. She rode out of the west on a white unicorn, her huge sword strapped to her back and her armor made out of diamonds and sparkly ribbons. The armor conveniently left her midriff open but who was counting in situations like this?
Korde buried his disgust and reached deep within himself to find the well of patience that Sianne was always telling him she was sure was deeply buried in there somewhere, and he and the Sue set out to rescue D. Upon seeing D's apparently mangled body, the Sue flung herself to the ground, wailing and sobbing and putting up such a racket that the crows fell from the trees, dead of busted eardrums. Korde lamented at length, and then informed the Sue that the only way to save D was to offer up in sacrifice 100 virgins, former virgins, despoiled virgins, and mothers of at least fourteen children. This quite effectively covered every Sue ever made, and thus when they were all sacrificed, the Warrior Vampire Hunter Goddess Princess Sue promptly killed herself as well, with a sword that only she could wield, and Korde promptly cut off her head and cut out her heart and offered it as a burnt offering to the Canon Gods. D sprung up from the ground, miraculously unhurt, and proclaimed his undying love for Korde, who he proclaimed as his savior and keeper of the evil Spork of knowledge.
The two were married by the giggling "evil" vampire, who was in on the whole joke and who sent them away for a two year honeymoon, which was unfortunately broken when Sianne showed up and loudly proclaimed that Korde needed to realize that there IS no good VHD fanfic, and it was time for him to get back to work.
The End
