Crikey, What a Gem!
Chapter 1
Rachel and Tobias
clinked their champagne glasses together and smiled at each other lovingly. "I
can't believe it's been five whole years!" Rachel sighed.
"I know. Time flies
when you're having fun, huh?" Tobias smiled back.
Rachel gasped and
stood up in her chair, "Is that a ring in
my champagne glass, Tobias? Oh my goodness! Yes, Tobias. I will marry you!" she
cried pulling the gold ring out of her glass and putting it on her finger
whilst pushing it everyone else in the restaurant's faces. "Oh my goodness,
Tobias! I can't wait to tell everyone!"
"er… um…"
"You're speechless,
aren't you? I understand absolutely! I would be speechless too! Oh my … that is
a mighty fine rock!"
"um… er…"
A second later, the
waitress came hobbling over to Rachel and Tobias' table, "Have you, like, seen
my ring? I think I, like, dropped it in the…" she spotted the ring on Rachel's
finger, "Ohmygawd! You, like, found it! Thanks a, like, LOT!"
"Excuse you, sister," Rachel snapped at the waitress,
"This is my ring, you'll just have to
wait YOUR turn, OK?"
"Um… Rachel? I think
that's her ring," Tobias said.
Rachel looked from
the ring to the waitress to Tobias, obviously astounded, "You mean … Tobias?
All these years? I … hic… I thought you loved me! Now you've gone for this
cheap low class … waitress?"
"Girlfriend, I maybe
cheap. But I am NOT low class!" the waitress replied obviously insulted.
Rachel shot back,
"Yeah, you're just tacky riffraff refuse."
The waitress looked a
bit ruffled, "What does refuse mean?"
"Shut up!" Tobias
yelled, "the both of you are acting like children!"
"Well, technically
Tobias. I'm still a child." Rachel
replied.
"Oh yeah good point …
just forget it! Can we JUST have our food, waitress!?!?!?"
"Only if she takes
back calling me riffraff," The waitress replied.
"Rachel, take it
back!"
"Hey, you said I'm
just a child. Besides, she is riffraff
" Rachel said.
The waitress grabbed
her ring off Rachel's finger and stormed into the kitchen yelling, "Two chicken
legs for the blond bimbo and the dirty blond at table six!"
Rachel finally sat
down (not noticing all of the customers at the restaurant had disappeared …
mysteriously), "Did she just call you a bimbo?"
"I think so."
Tobias and Rachel ate
in silence after that and weirdly enough all the customers returned. But then
Rachel just had to open her mouth
again, "Tobias, you have to choose!"
she cried, "It's either me … or the
bird."
Tobias looked around
the crowded restaurant, "Lower your voice, Rachel."
Rachel stood up
ignoring Tobias' embarrassment, "You have to choose, Tobias! Do you love me …
or the bird?"
Tobias looked at the
table nervously, "Um … er …"
"Choose! Choose!
Choose! Choose!" The crowd in the restaurant chanted.
Tobias went a
fabulous red, "Well … I …"
"Damn, Tobias. Who do
you love? Me or the bird?"
"Raaaay-chel!" Tobias whispered.
"Don't Raaaaaaay-chel
me, Tobias! It's either me, or the bird. OKAY!?!?!?!?!?!?"
Tobias finally burst.
He stood up angrily and threw his fork and knife away, "You know what, Rachel?
I CAN'T choose! Is that enough for you? You know I love you … but I am the bird! Do you hear me? I AM the
bird! I couldn't make you choose between that blond mop you like to call your
hair and me, I wouldn't!" He stormed out of the restaurant angrily.
Rachel sat there
dumbfounded, she looked around the restaurant and looked at the other people in
the restaurant astoundedly, "I was only talking about the chicken legs. Sheesh,
you'd think some people wouldn't be so persnickety." (Persnickety?)
Later on in the
evening, Rachel was about to switch on her brand new vibrator as she got into
bed when she heard a scratching sound on her window, "That must be Tobias, come
to apologize for the scene he made in
the restaurant!" she said to herself. She quickly hid her vibrator and tottered
over to the window. She opened it and then gasped, "Oh my goodness… Visser
Three! What are you doing here?" she
cried.
The Visser climbed
through the window (how, I have no idea.) and stood in Rachel's bedroom, hands
on hips, I just…
"Oh my goodness! Are
you wearing fubus!? Oh my gawd, I always say it myself, 'If you're gonna
exterminate someone, you'd better do it in style.'"
Don't worry,
Rachel. I'm not here to obliterate you, let alone annihilate you. I'm just here
to ask you a favor.
"Only if you let me
wear your funky Adidas!"
Well, it all
starts from when I was a little Yeerky. We never …
"You're not going to
tell me some really phonyly boring story about how you were never able to
afford a proper education because your dad didn't have a job at the local Yeerk
pool?"
Er … yes?
"And not forgetting
the part about how you don't want the same for your own kids?"
Dang, you ARE
good! Where did you learn all this stuff?
"Watching Oprah … and
hanging out with Tobias."
Well, my story
is kind of close to that. But not
quite … I was just informed by some really attitudy lady at the immigration
department and she says … I can't… hic … stay on this planet! She's going to
deport me! Boohoo! Good visas are just so
hard to find these days! The Visser broke down on his knees 'boohooing'.
Rachel was still
staring at his all that Nike T-shirt, she was finally snapped out of her
trance, "Wha … what did you say?"
Visser Three stood
up, a bit ruffled by Rachel's none-existent attention paying ability, I saaaaaa-id, the immigration department
wants to DE-FREAKING-PORT me, Rachel!
Rachel looked a bit
confused for a few seconds there, "Defreakingport you … defreakport? Deport!
Yes! They want to deport you!! Yes!"
You seem awfully
happy about that, Rachel. Visser
Three said crossing his arms against his might I say, masculinely muscular
chest (hey, who can blame me!).
"No, not really! I'm
just glad I found the answer. Besides, you are one of the most evil characters
in the Animorphs series."
Good point.
"But anyway, what has
you getting deported got to do with me?"
Hellooooo! I
want you to marry me! So that I won't get deported … and might I say, you look
pretty good in those Winnie The Pooh pajamas of yours!
Rachel would have
answered, but she had passed out at his Filas.
At the Animorphs Head
Quarters (AKA the barn) Tobias, Jake, Cassie, Marco and Ax were visited by a
very drunk … er, intoxicated Erek King. Erek apparently had a bit of important
information for the Animorphs. Only, he couldn't remember what it was.
"It's like … y'know?
I don't know?" he had said.
"What?" Marco asked
irritably, "You just woke us ALL up at two AM in the morning to tell us … you
don't know?"
Erek replied, holding
up his beer bottle, "Just give me a second… it's coming back to me… I've got
it!"
" What?
What?" Ax, Tobias, Jake, Cassie and Marco all asked.
"Whoops… I just
forgot."
Cassie absolutely
lost the last of her practically none-existent patience, she lashed out at Erek
and held her dagger to his neck, "Look EH-REK! You are GOING to tell us what
you woke us up at two AM for, OH-KAAAAAAY?" she yelled.
"Yes, ma'am." Erek
said and nodded innocently.
"Wasn't that supposed
to be Rachel's move?" Marco asked.
"What hypocritically
moralistic girl's gotta do, a hypocritically moralistic girl's gotta do."
Erek looked like he
was finally going to remember, "I remember! I remember!"
Cassie growled, "Just
tell us."
"Apparently, the
enemy is planning to make Barbie dolls out of celebrities to somehow fasten the
invasion."
"That sounds easy
enough," Jake said, "who are the celebrities?"
"Um … Cher, Madonna
and Michael."
"Michael who? Jordan,
Jackson, Johnson or Shumacher?"
"Wow, you really know
your Michael's."
Jake smiled, "Well, I
try."
Cassie widened her
eyes in the direction of Erek, "Michael WHO, EREK?"
"I had a cousin
called Michael Hue. What a coincidence."
"Just tell us Michael's
surname … or else," Cassie said, holding up her knife.
"Sheesh! Woah Cassie!
Calm down, girlfriend. I don't remember Michael's surname. I'm sorry, I only do
one named people, dearie. Anyway, I have to go have a drink with Forlay. Ta
taa!" Erek bowed down and walked out of the barn.
"Well this is just
perfect, isn't it?" Marco said.
Cassie picked up her
TV remote and switched on the TV in the barn (which wasn't there for the past
54 books, strangely enough), "On other news," the news castor said, "Cher,
Madonna and Michael Jackson are about
to sign contracts to allow the Barbie doll making company 'Sharing Dolls' to
produce Barbie dolls of them …"
Marco slapped his
forehead, "It's Michael Jackson! I should have known … that's the only
guy they'd ever make a Barbie of."
"OK, so I guess we
should start planning the attack," Jake said.
"Shhhhhhh!" Cassie
hushed them, "The news castor isn't finished."
"… the signing is
going to take place in Sydney, Australia. And in other news, slime bag cheat
money grabbing author KA Applegate has just ended her cool series Animorphs,
she claims …"
"Au-FREAKING-Stralia!"
everyone cried.
Why does Gem
Stoned put 'freaking' in every other word? Ax asked.
"How the hell are we
going to get to Au-freaking-Stralia?" Marco asked.
Yeah, how ARE we
going to get to Au-freaking-Stralia? Tobias replied.
"We're going to have
to think of a plan to get to Au-freaking-Stralia," Jake said.
"Do you have any idea
of how we're going to get to Au-freaking-Stralia?" Cassie asked.
"I don't know how
we're going to get to Au-freaking-Stralia, do you?"
Suddenly Visser Three
and Rachel appeared in the doorway of the barn, the Visser in a black tuxedo
that was designed for his very er… different body, and Rachel wearing her dream
dress: a pink frilly outfit that only Bjork and first ladies of the USA would
wear (I'm not mentioning any names …).
"What the…?" Marco
said.
"Yes, Marco, we're
married!" Rachel said, pushing her big diamond rock in everyone's faces, "Now
we're Mr. and Mrs. Ican'ttellyoumylastname!"
"Wait a minute, isn't
that your surname, Rachel?" asked
Cassie.
"G2G, Cass. The whole
feminist thing works, baybee! KnowhatImeen!!!!" Rachel and Cassie both burst
into a hysterical laughter that no one could explain (not even me).
"Ohhhhhkaaaay … that
was … weird." Marco said.
I know, they
really mean it when they say women are from Venus and men are from Mars.
Tobias said.
"Yeah and Rachel's
from Pluto." Marco and Tobias both burst into an inexplicable laughter that was
weirder than Rachel and Cassie's.
"Wait a minute…" Jake
said, grabbing at his hair, "It's coming to me … it's coming to me … I've GOT
IT! I have a plan!"
"Does it always
happen this way?" Rachel whispered to Marco.
"Yeah, only it's
always in his head." Marco and Rachel nodded sadly in Jake's direction.
"I'm not crazy, OK? I
have a plan! Since Rachel and Visser Three are here, then maybe … Visser Three
er … I mean Visser Ican'ttellyoumylastname, would you mind if we borrowed your
blade ship for a minute?"
Oh, sure! I'd
love to, friends of Rachel are friends of mine. It's parked outside Cassie's
house … I took Cassie's parents on a ride … to the Yeerk Pool.
"You infested my
parents! You evil parasitic alien!" Cassie yelled swapping at the Visser with a
rubber blue banana for no other reason than that it would be funny.
Visser
Ican'ttellyoumylastname looked into the direction of the readers (being you)
and said, And they said the truth hurts. He chuckled.
"OK, guys. We're
going to the land of Kangaroos, Survivor 2, Natalie Imbruglia and Britz. Yup, I
know, all things ridiculous. Let's do it!" Jake said.
"Hey! That's my line
… but since I'm married now, I guess I'll just have to lend it to you for a few
days while we - rrrrrrrr - go for our honeymoon!" Rachel said.
On Visser Three's
blade ship, the Animorphs were planning their next mission. Or rather, Jake was
telling everyone what to do (I have no idea why everyone says 'they' plan it,
not Jake).
"Okay, Marco - you
acquire Madonna, Rachel?"
Rachel and Visser
Ican'ttellyoumylastname were cuddling in a corner.
"Rachel?" Jake
repeated, "OK, we're getting nowhere with those two … Tobias, you're going
Cher. And Cassie?"
"Yes?"
"Gem has absolutely
no idea about what you should do so I'll just order you to have a cuppa."
"Well, if you
insist."
"And I'm going to
morph Michael Jackson. So, when we get to Australia - we spread out, find the
celebs, acquire them, morph them and then pretend we don't want to sign the
contracts. Easy enough, I suppose."
"Um, I don't want to
burst anyone's bubble or anything, but hasn't anyone noticed we're in the same
ship as our arch rival Visser
Ican'ttellyoumylastname?" Cassie asked.
"Yeah, so?" Jake
asked.
Cassie slapped her
forehead, "Ugh! Males! If the Yeerks are the ones that are trying to make the
dolls, then why on Earth would Visser Ican'ttellyoumylastname be on this ship?"
"Oh my …
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMBBBBBBUUUUUUUUSHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Marco, Jake and
Tobias all yelled and started running around in circles trying to avoid
tripping over Rachel and Visser Ican'ttellyoumylastname who were doing something on the floor.
Finally they stopped
running in circles and continued what they were doing because they had
forgotten what they were running about - male intelligence, I tell you -. "Hey,
Marco, read any good books lately?" Jake asked Marco as he attempted landing
the Visser's utterly complicated ship (that weirdly enough, if it was on TV it
would be landed as though it was as easy as pie).
"Yeah, did you read
number 54 of Animorphs? I can't believe Rachel died!" He said, then added as a
sort of afterthought, "Did you ever wonder why there's a book series with
characters who are exactly like us?"
"Yeah. But, KAA
designed those characters so that we'd all be able to identify with the
characters."
"Hmmmm," Marco
agreed.
When the Visser's
blade ship docked at the dock for evil alien's ships in Sydney
Auzzzzztraaaaaalia, the customs officer came aboard the ship, "A-hoy-hoy, what
ken I do fer you, mates?" he said.
"Um, we have nothing
to declare. Where do I sign?" Jake said.
"Wait, me mate.
Aren't yer fergetting something?"
"And I thought
Canadians had weird accents," Marco whispered to Rachel.
"I heard that, mate!"
the customs officer yelled.
Pause.
"This is the part
where you're supposed to run over to Marco, strangle him, chop his body parts
and stuff them in your fridge and then burn down the house and throw his
remaining body parts - say, the backbone, the liver and the heart - in a
river." Rachel said helpfully, only to gain a very weird stare from everyone
else, "What, you didn't know that?"
"Ohhhhhhkay," Jake
said, then turned to the customs officer, "So where do I sign?"
"Mate, I think you're
fergetting something." He said, then added significantly, "Mate."
He wants
beer, Tobias said.
"How did you know
that?" Rachel asked.
I have my
sources.
"Mates, has anyone
noticed that there's a bird talking to us?"
"Oy, what happened to
your accent, mate?" Jake asked.
"I don't know, mate.
You seem to be developing an accent, mate." The customs officer said.
"Yeah, mate." Jake
agreed.
"I wonder why, mate."
"Probably hanging
around with you, mate."
"Maybe, mate."
"Wanna go for a beer,
mate?"
"Oh sure, mate. Let's
go, mate."
"Sure, mate."
"OK, mate."
"Uh-huh, mate."
"Of course, mate."
"Will you 'mates'
just go!!!!" Marco yelled.
"Sure, mate."
"Quit with the mate
stuff, mate!"
"Yes, mate. Good on
yer, mate."
Marco slapped his
forehead, "This is going to be a long day." he announced.
Jake and his new
friend - Writz Written - finally left to go have some 'REAL BEER' as Writz had
described it.
"Ahead with the
mission." Marco said dryly, "By the way, where's Ax?"
"I have no idea,
Visser Ican'ttellyoumylastname and him went for a walk in the direction of the
Yeerk pool." Cassie said.
Pause.
"This is the part
where someone is supposed to yell, 'He infested Ax! That slimy alien worm!'"
Cassie demonstrated.
Visser
Ican'ttellyoumylastname popped his head into the ship, "Did anyone call?"
Our heroes - the
Animorphs that is - finally reached the building where the signing was supposed
to take place, a shabby little building with 'Sharing Dolls With The World'
written above the door.
"Well this is it,"
Marco said to the remaining Animorphs (Cassie and Tobias), "It's time to go
face to face with the enemy. Head to head with the bad guys. Attack the foe.
You know."
No, I don't know, Tobias said irritably.
"No need to get
attitudy with me, buster." Marco said.
Cassie slapped her
forehead - because it's cool, "We REALLY need Rachel right now to go, 'let's do
it'. Don't we?"
"Let's just do it,
will we?" Marco said and knocked on the door.
Pause.
He knocked again.
Pause.
"Don't Australians
have ears?" Marco asked.
Don't say that,
you're just being Xenophobiac or Xenophobiek? Or whatever! Basically, you're
Aussie Hating. Said Tobias.
"Wiccccccccaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
Someone yelled.
They all turned their
heads to see and … a flashing blue light flew in the direction of the door.
BAM! And the door crashed down.
"We could always try
it the subtle way." Marco suggested sarcastically.
What was
that?
"Who cares? This is
fanfiction, let's just forget it ever happened and enter the building, okay?"
Cassie said. They stepped through the remains of the door and headed for the
elevator, "Wait a minute, how do we know what floor the signing is taking place?"
"I don't know, I
guess we'll just have to ask somebody." Marco said, and approached some guy,
about early-to-mid late teens, shaggy brown hair and thin black wire-framed
glasses, he was almost unnaturally lanky, in the words of Wheatus: your typical
'Teenage Dirtbag'.
"Hey, dude, do you
know what floor the signing for Sharing Dolls is taking place?" Marco asked.
The 'guy' ignored
Marco and walked over to Cassie, "Hey baby," he said suavely, "Mind if I rustle
your crow?"
"If it isn't pick up
line deja vu," Cassie muttered.
"If it isn't pick up
line reply deja vu," Marco muttered.
Do you or DON'T
you know which floor the signing is taking place?
"Second floor, second
door to the left … why don't you guys go ahead, and me and you (he said winking
at Cassie) can go have some funnnnnnn." The guy said, whilst making gesturing
movements with his hands.
"You know what, you
two? We have a mission to go on, you guys have fun." Marco said to Cassie and
the guy.
"Noooooooo!" Was
Cassie's muffled reply.
Marco stepped into
the Elevator and Tobias flew in (cos it's cool), and they stood there for a few
seconds until the elevator finally reached the second floor, they stepped - and
flew - out of the elevator, "Second door to the left, right?" Marco asked.
No, second door
to the left. Not the right. Tobias replied.
"That's what I said:
second door to the left." Marco retorted.
No, you said
second door to the left right.
"Oh, just forget it,
and let's go ahead with the morphing."
But wait a
minute, how are we gonna acquire Michael if there's only two of us? Tobias
asked.
"Er …" Marco was
about to say, but then the most ravishingly exquisite figure - in his opinion -
came striding past him. Her blond mane swayed from side to side as her short
but elegant body strode slowly but surely.
"Ohmygggggggaaaaaaaaawwwwwdddddd!
It's Nala from the Lion King!" Marco cried as he ran over to ask for an
autograph.
"Rrrrrrrroooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!"
Nala replied courteously and Marco came running back.
"Guess she isn't what
I always thought she was …"
Guess not.
Tobias replied, So, when do we acquire the celebs? I'm going Madonna
right, and you're Cher.
"Yeah right,
Toh-BIAS. You're going Cher, and I'm Madonna."
I don't think
so, Mark-Oh. You think I want to have one rib less than normal?
"OH yeah, that's why
you wanna morph Madonna, so that you can sing 'Like A Viiiiiiiiiiirgin' all day
and not have anyone give you weird stares?"
What and you
don't believe in life after love?
"No, I don't, but
weirdly enough I feel like going to Memphis. So stop reciting Cher lyrics and
let's go acquire them."
Hey, don't tell
me to stop. Tell the rain not to drop, tell the sun not to shine, not to get up
this time no. No.
"OK, OK, I get the
point! Let's just go acquire Madonna and Cher."
Only if you
agree with me that it's amazing what a boy can do.
"Ughhh!!!!" Marco
groaned, "Enough with the lyrics!!!"
Marco and Tobias
waited undercover in the … ladies toilets. They waited for the time that
eventually our favorite over forty pop singers would have to … you know what.
Finally, two people
came into the bathroom. "Okay, now we acquire both of them." Marco mouthed to
Tobias.
They both jumped out
of their hiding places, acquired the two people - who's faces they hadn't seen
- grabbed their clothes, dumped them in the toilets and went in front of the
mirror to morph.
Once they had
finished, Marco groaned, "Ohhhhnoooo! This isn't Madonna … it's Bette Midler!"
Tobias grabbed at his
face, "Uh-oh. And I've got … Whitney Houston."
"Perfect, this is
absolutely perfect."
"Unlike that horrible
hair style of yours." Tobias snapped at Marco/Bette.
"Excuse you, but you
definitely aint got wind beneath those wings. Sistah chile, you might actually
want to work out, y'know. It might help."
"Yeah, and your HAIR
DYE won't always love you. Girlfriend, you need some tints."
"So says the
marijuana addict."
"A marijuana addict
with taste in … clothes! Eeew! What is with those ugly shoes?"
And the fighting went
on … and on … and on … and on… until Cassie finally escaped from the evil - and
perverted - hands of the Aussie kid (who will remain nameless, due to death
threats) and came to check up on Marco and Tobias. She found them in the
toilets, fighting over who had the best album. She then explained to them that
- not to their surprise - divas have a sort of animal instinct to diss
everyone's clothes, hair and body parts. A very uncontrollable instinct. Sorta
like that of a Taxxons hunger. As soon
as Cassie managed to calm Tobias and Marco down, they rushed over to stop the
signing which they realized hadn't taken place since Michael Jackson lost his
nose under the signing table. They didn't bother doing anything else. They then
found Jake and his friend Writz Written in the bar downstairs downing their
three thousandth beers. Then they found Rachel and Visser Three making out in
the city's jail (apparently, if you have sex in the middle of the roads in
Australia you get arrested. Tut tut, such evil laws!). Of course, Ax had joined
a club called 'Sharing Heads', which is like the Sharing, only for Aussies.