Hey, it's me again. This is just something loopy I just so happen to have on my mind and I decided I should apply it to physical form. So... do not take this fic seriously. If you find yourself busting a gut laughing then that's pretty much the point of all this. In the meantime, I'll be working extra hard on Private Investigator Suzushiro.
All in all, this is generally a Mai Otome fan work. It's AU because I have yet to see all of the show. I'm still on episode three so please don't knock me off that tightrope yet.
DISCLAIMER: This is just a work of fiction. The creators should be flattered. Now if it were up to me, a certain cherry eyed brunette with a body made for sin would be at least a bisexual... Gracious. But hey, there isn't any shame in my game.
This story is rated T. Contents here are mild and contains language, alcoholic and drug use and a tad dab of sexual content. Oh, I almost forgot: Watch out for Princess Mashiro and especially Aoi Senou. If you thought Sister Yukariko was a religious zealot-- this girl Aoi will... just go on ahead and you'll see.
THE HAUNTING OF PRINCESS WINDBLOOM
CHAPTER ONE
IMPEDING DOOM
"'This porridge is too hot', exclaimed Little Red", Nina Wang read from the huge book entitled 'Countless Children's Tales To Knock Out A Spoiled Ruler'. "'Oh my! This porridge is too cold'".
"I heard enough, Nina." Mashiro rose from her bed. "I can't stand that story."
Nina persisted, "Your Highness, it's past your bedtime."
"What do I look like to you, a little kid?" The princess snapped a glare at Nina. Nina wanted to say 'Well... duh' but she knew if she told the little witch that then there will be consequences. "Early bedtimes are for wimpy kids that still piss in their beds."
Nina sighed as she closed the giant storybook. "But your Highness, we all know that you're only the princess of WindBloom..." she tried to explained but Mashiro cut her off with a gesture of her raised right hand.
"Princess. Queen. It's the same difference: I rule!" Mashiro spat and hopped off her royal bed and slipped into her Garfield slippers. "But not to worry. It's only a matter of time before my ailing mother will kick the bucket. And when that time comes I will show this kingdom a real ruler."
Ain't that a bitch? Nina thought. "Well Your Highness, I guess there is no need to try to help you fall asleep this evening. I shall return to the royal court." She bowed and heads her way out the huge room. The princess suddenly stopped her.
"Nina, I'm kind of hungry." The princess patted her virtually nonexistent tummy. "Could you inform Mai and the others to whipped me up something to eat." A gleam came to her eyes as she licked her lips. "To be more specific, tell em' to make me a gigantic devil cake."
How fitting. Just the kind of food a little demon child like yourself would crave. Nina nodded with a hidden smirk. "As you wish, Your Highness. I'll see to it right away."
When the raven haired jester departed from the royal bedchamber, a fan favorite entered the room. "Ah, could it be Her Majesty is suffering another case of insomnia?" Shizuru is the foster daughter of Queen WindBloom and Mashiro's consul. She was also the princess' counsel and council (English, is definitely one of the hardest languages to learn, huh?). Twelve years older than Mashiro, she was a helping hand in raising the princess. Although, I don't see where in the world she got her patience from.
Mashiro made a face at the sound of the charming voice. "Call it whatever you want to call it, Shizuru, but I just cannot fall asleep at this hour." She complained and opened the royal drapes. The sun was still bright over the horizon. "It's still way too early. Damn it all! I just can't wait to be Queen."
Shizuru's face creased in thought, her eyebrows turning into checkmarks. "Surely you're not counting on Mama's premature death are you not?"
Mashiro mad the face of a pit bulldog. "Premature? The fuck are you talking about? She's fifty seven for Pete's sake." The vain princess glared at her big sister like she should have known better. "There's nothing premature about her! She's an old bat."
Shizuru nodded her head with a sigh, empathetic. "I can't believe that you still harbor such feelings for Mama." She said sadly. "You should be ashamed of yourself."
"I have nothing to be ashamed of." The princess retorted. "I'm soon to reign over the kingdom. I'm going to be the daughter of a bastard that my old lady wasn't. When that time comes... don't you dare try to stop me Shizuru."
At that moment, a castle maid just so happened to bypass the open doors of the bedchamber. She was immersed in an ancient book. A little too immersed. "Goodness gracious!" She exclaimed.
A burlesque bead of sweat appeared on the heads of both the princess and her sister. "What's with Aoi? Is that girl on E again?" Mashiro wondered.
"I'm not sure," Shizuru replied. "That must be one well written novel she's reading." Her face then turned serious as she regarded the subject again. "I am certain that whatever you have planned for the future of this kingdom..." she trailed off, troubled. "Mama and I surely disapprove."
"I don't give a damn." Mashiro grinned cruelly. "She won't be around to do so."
"You've always been bitter towards Mama." Shizuru lamented. "To this very day, I cannot understand why. I wondered where all the hostility comes from. Your Majesty, you should be happy that you even know your mother."
"Eh?" Mashiro seemed interested despite the fact her sister was relaying something she should keep buried in the past. "What are you so soft about ole M & M eyes?"
"I have never seen her before in my life but I know that she is wrong for abandoning her only child." Shizuru had a pained, distant look in her eyes. "I've been a vagabond since I was a newborn child. I was going mad, Mashiro. You just don't know what it's like."
"Go on." The fourteen year old shrugged.
"I was on the brink of hating everything about the world," Shizuru continued. "It seemed like I was living just to die. Despair was my only companion. Until that day..."
"I'm moved." Mashiro remarked sarcastically. "Really, I am."
"She saved me, Mashiro. If it weren't for Mama... I... I..."
"You would either be a harlot on the streets or taking a dirt nap by now." The princess took the older female for granted. "Isn't that rich?"
Shizuru gasped at the princess for her harsh words. However, she did not go into a rage despite what the grape haired girl had said. The brunette's face was surprisingly serene and the next thing the princess knew, Shizuru did what the only person in the world besides her mother was authorized to do when the princess gets out of hand. There's a first time for everything.
Shizuru slapped her.
Quite soundly at that.
Aoi's voice was heard throughout the royal hall. "Hallelujah!"
Mashiro was shocked beyond belief. The girl had this expression on her face that reminds you of a cat's expression when you caught it doing what ever it has no business doing. Or worse, it makes you think of that Wrath kid from Full Metal Alchemist when the seven shades of shit are scared out of him. Not only was the slap loud, it even stunned her. There was also a large pink outline of Shizuru's right hand on her face. "Shizuru?..."
Shizuru was still tranquil, almost angelic. "Your Majesty, you must let go of your anger before it leads you to your own destruction." She advised her. "Nothing good can come out of hatred."
"Shizuru... How dare you?" The princess' voice was barely a whisper.
"Please Mashiro, compose yourself before it's too late." Shizuru pleaded.
"HOW DARE YOU!" In a fit of vehemence, she retaliated by delivering her older sister a thorough left punch to the brunette's abdomen. Shizuru gasped as the wind was knocked out of her and she doubled forward over the princess' fist and her face fell on the girl's shoulder. Her brown bangs shadowed her eyes and a rather sardonic smirk made it's way to her lips. "What's so funny?" Mashiro snarled.
Shizuru held that smile despite her pain. "I guess we could call it even now." She uttered with a slight wheeze. "I deserved that. As you deserved yours."
"Why you..." Mashiro was annoyed at how strong the brunette was. "I'll give you what you really deserve once I become Queen." She promised with a wicked gleam in her eyes. "When that old bat of woman that I call my mother kicks the bucket I will PERSONALLY see to it that I throw you back on the mean slums of the kingdom."
Shizuru was still leaning on Mashiro's shoulder. The little tyke was certainly stronger than she looked. "Oh... Is-- is that so?" She chuckled. "You're are planning on disowning me?"
"You bet your sweet bubble ass I will." Mashiro retorted. "Better yet, I'm going to put you to work while you're out there. It's my new marketing strategy to get the tax money much quicker. You're going to serve and pleasure the thousands of men out there that solely wish that you were a straight woman-- fulfilling their every desire. Namely their carnal desires because there isn't much of what a man wants. Since you're every hot blooded heterosexual male's ultimate wet dream, I'm going to help them out and make their dreams a reality."
"I-- I'd rather die..."
"Death, huh?" The princess considered what she said and pushed her off her shoulder. "You pull that little stunt off again and I'll see to it that I will grant it to you."
Shizuru was on her back, gazing at the ceiling from the marble floor. "Very well then... I've tried. It was Mama's request to try to save you from yourself."
The princess was about to leave the room but she heard her older sister muttering. "What did you just say?" She demanded. She was itching to kick her with the Garfield slippers on.
"If that's your decision, you go on right ahead and walk that path," Shizuru continued. "What's the use for trying to save a imprudent ruler that's heading straight towards her dishonorable demise? Mama's going to leave this world a highly disenchanted and despondent woman."
The princess was offended. "That's enough out of you! Screw you and your big words! Say another word and I'll beat you to a pulp with these slippers! Why should I care? Why should I give a damn about the opinions of 'a rightful heir to the throne'? Why should I?"
Shizuru sat up on the floor and stared at the princess right in her eyes. "I disgust you that much, huh?"
"Go to hell..." Mshiro spun on her heels and left the room before she decided to kill the brunette right there in her room.
As she left the room, Aoi was shouting again. "Whoa! Praise the Lord!"
"Aoi, give it a rest!" The princess demanded.
THE HAUNTING OF MASHIRO WINDBLOOM
"It's not right." Nina relayed to the two cooks that were strolling the gigantic devil cake towards the throne room. "How could that girl be so damn cruel?"
"I can't call it," Mai replied with a shrug. "I guess that she's under a lot of pressure. Being a future Queen of an entire nation can open up a whole new world of stress on you."
Nina clearly couldn't believe what the shapely ginger haired girl had just said. "Mai, are you kidding me? That girl got issues. Stress don't have nothing to do with her. That girl is counting on her mom to die. That's not right."
"What? Are you serious?" Akane wondered.
"Does a bear shit in the woods?" Nina remarked, waiting for the older girl to relay an all too obvious answer.
"Whoa." Mai was amazed that the seemingly innocent princess would harbor such thoughts "The princess is a regular magazine subscription then."
"And that's not all. Not only is she anticipating the passing of the Queen, this chick has something else in store for the kingdom..." Nina's face was creased with worry. "The girl has tyranny on her mind. If that's not alarming to you then I don't know what is."
"Really?" Mai seemed appalled. "That does it. We're going to have to put a hit out on her treacherous behind. If she wants the play dirty then the whole kingdom can play this little game too."
"Mai!" Akane gasped in shock. "How could you consider such an idea?"
"I don't blame Mai." Nina agreed with the second oldest of the three. "I was seriously contemplating on poisoning this cake just now."
"Man, you guys are impossible!" Akane still couldn't believe the gall of her younger friends. "You guys are just as bad as the princess if you were to kill her off. Wouldn't you want that on your conscience?"
Nina sighed. "Akane, to be honest... if truth be told... to keep it real, nobody in this entire kingdom would hardly miss her."
Mai sighed. "Okay, I know it is wrong to hope for someone to suffer from misfortune and it is equally so to count on their demise but tyranny is something else. Nina's right, Akane. With a Queen like that, who needs dictators? I mean, that girl always has been a meanie." Mai revealed. "Months ago, she said this nasty joke about the royal kitchen is never going to run out of milk with me around." To her surprise, Akane and Nina began snickering a little. "Hey!"
"Well you guys don't have to conspire to her death then." Akane urged her younger companions to reconsider such a macabre plan. "We must convince the princess to change her ways. It's either that or the royal doctors' going to have to pep it up a little bit to rid the Queen of her illness."
Aoi rounded the corner into the corridor the girls were in. The baby-faced brunette was still hooked on that mysterious book. When she passed the girls catering to the cake she yelled, "He didn't have to do it but He did!"
"Once she's done with that book, I gotta ask her to let me borrow it someday." Akane seriously wondered. Several burlesque question marks were hovering above her head.
"That is one fascinating novel," Mai whistled.
"Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you guys are talking about the princess." Shizuru stated as she appeared from the throne room up ahead. She was clutching her abdomen. "We had our little dispute and I do have to say that she is really out of control."
"This is all very bad news." Akane hung her head low. "What's gotten into her?"
"No." Shizuru nodded. "Mashiro's animosity towards her mother is nothing new." That came as a surprise to Mai and Akane. "She's been holding back the hatred towards the Queen for years."
"I don't believe this." Akane said.
"That's a real shame," Mai nodded in sympathy. "Where is she now, Shizuru?"
"She's in the throne room awaiting this cake you guys just baked." Shizuru replied. "Plus..." Shizuru had a Machiavellian expression on her face, "she's smoking the royal hash."
Nina's eyes widened instantly. "What? The Princess is in there chiefin' it up? She's going to have the munchies faster than a housecat can scratch it's ass." After saying that little number, the raven haired devil's face lit up and a large light bulb appeared over her head.
Mai noticed the peculiar look on the jester's face. There was conspiracy written all across her face. "I always wonder what in the world is going through her head when she makes that face."
"Ah ha ha!" Nina laughed, confident that her plan was foolproof. "I got it! I got it just like how the guard in the cellar got the claps from Erstin Ho."
"Nina, this is not the time for jokes." Mai said with a raised brow along with Akane and Shizuru. Then a question came to mind. "Hold on. Did that guy really got the claps from Erstin? I thought it was Juliet. Heck, I didn't even knew that he had caught anything."
"Hold on to that cake, guys." Nina advised as she rushed down the opposite direction of the hallway. "I'm going to add a very special ingredient to the cake. I'll be right back."
Mai sighed. "There is going to be a very interesting turn of events."
THE HAUNTING OF MASHIRO WINDBLOOM
Meanwhile inside the throne room, our lovable princess has already made requests for entertainment while she was awaiting her chocolate treat. With her eyes red from smoking and ribs aching from laughing so hard at Arika's jokes, the princess surely was enjoying herself. Erstin was standing right beside the throne, being her usual air headed self.
"Whoa!" The Princess swooned in her throne. "I gotta learn to leave this Fuuka hay alone. This hash is going to be the death of me."
Erstin held out a small solid gold ashtray for the princess to litter with butts. "You shouldn't say such things, Your Highness." The blonde chirped. "You are illustrious."
Mashiro rolled her reddened eyes, "Kiss my butt," she told the blonde. "Wait a minute? That's what I pay you for! Because you're my servant! Ha ha ha!"
Erstin blushed, "Good one, Your Majesty."
The Princess rose a brow. "What? This?" She promptly leaned a bit in her throne, tilted her backside upwards and blew ass.
BBWWRRRGGHHFFF!
"YEA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
Erstin could only giggle helplessly, "Tee he..."
You are so damn nasty, thought Arika as she cupped a hand over her nose. She was another one of the Princess' royal jesters. And like most of the other servants inside WindBloom Castle she straight hated the Princess' guts since she have been acting 'brand new'. I hope for heaven's sakes that your mother will recover from her sickness. She's going to knock a lot of sense into your fruity head if she ever returns to her throne!
Mashiro farted again. A quick one this time.
BAAINNTT!
"GAH HA HA HA HEH HEH HE!"
"Oh, for the love of-- can we just get back to the jokes?" Arika snapped. "Now guess who am I impersonating." She began mimicking 'Juliet' "Hi there big boys," she struck a pose. "Look at me, I'm a pseudo hooker. I'm a myspace whore and I send lewd text messages to lure unsuspecting blue-balls to their own destruction." She blew a kiss and pretended to walk on sultry high heels. "Who am I?"
Erstin took a wild guess. "Jessica Simpson?"
"No-- Beyonce. Nah uh. It's gotta be Paris Hilton-- no, one of those ring side tramps from pay-per-view wrestling?" Mashiro seconded.
Arika turned it up a notch. "I often claim that I never had sex with any of my victims but my closest peers wonder if that's really true."
Mashiro hopped off her chair. "I know! I know! I seen her before! You're talking about Nao, aren't cha?"
"Bingo!"
Erstin pouted cutely. "Aww, I suck at this game."
"Okay, how about this one." Arika began jogging and hopping around the throne room markedly. "Aw man, I have a princess to rescue. Boing! Boing!" She made her way to a large green pipe in the corner of the room and hopped into it and ended up dropping from the pipe in the ceiling. "Wow! I hope that was the warp pipe that leads to World 8."
Erstin was perplex. Nothing new. "Uh... Orlando Bloom?"
"No no no!" Mashiro nodded furiously, getting an idea of who it was. "It's the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."
"Martin Lawrence?" Erstin piped up.
"No, it's Christian Bale?" Mashiro wondered.
Arika tried harder, "I am going to the darkness and vanquish that fiend." She said with a super hero's voice.
"Ah! Yukari Tanizaki! Adam Sandler? Uh-- wait a minute... Inuyasha?" Erstin hoped.
"It's one of those vampire hunters, the Belmonts." Mashiro guessed. "I don't know which one though. Uh... Simon? Ricther? Trevor..." She frowned in deep concentration. "Uh... George W?"
"No! Let me give you guys another hint..." Arika began looking around the room as if she was trying to find something. "Hey, there goes a mushroom." CHOMP! "Aw man, that mushroom was something else. I'm so high I feel like I'm seven feet tall. Whoa!"
The two moron were just beginning to get the picture.
"Ooh! Look! There goes some fire weed to give me fire powers!" Arika continued her charade. "Holy shit! That stardust will make you feel like you're invincible for a while!" The brunette started ninja somersaulting around the place humming the Starman theme. "Who am I?"
"Ah! You're George Lopez! No, you're Ed Elric!" Erstin answered with absolute certainty before receiving a slap in the face by Mashiro. "Owiee! Why did you do that for?"
"No it's not you royal dunce! I recognize that theme anywhere. It's Super Mario!" Mashiro confirmed.
"It's about freaking time..." Arika sighed. "Now, here comes a hard one. Get ready for some brain pain you two."
"Bring it on." Mashiro said, enjoying a challenge.
Arika undid her hair, allowing it to spread across her back. "Ooh... I am the future. I promise you trouble, ridiculous taxes, war, famine, and death! I shall lead the world to a new age of darkness! Whooooooo! Fear me!"
Erstin grew terrified. "Yah!" She hid behind the throne.
The Princess cupped her chin in thought. She was sure that her jester was referring to Count Dracula, or worse, the devil himself. "Shit, this is hard."
Steeling her resolve, the flaxen haired jester peeked her head from behind Mashiro. "Hey, I know! You're the Princess, right?"
Erstin answered the riddle right on. That's definitely what Arika had in mind. However... an evil presence was now among the room and Arika feared for Erstin's life. There was a huge vein on the Princess' forehead and there were things on each of her temples that looked a lot like devil horns. "Oh boy..." Arika whimpered.
Maybe she should have stuck with impersonating King Bowser? Or George Bush?
The purple haired devil turned her head a full circle to glare at the now doomed Erstin. "What did you just say, you measly little bitch?" Her voice was demonic and her tongue greatly resembled that of a serpent. "Your mouth is writing a check that your ass cannot hope to check."
"If you could excuse me, I'll be heading for the mountains now." Arika trembled.
Erstin only giggled, oblivious to her own doom. "Tee he. That was a good one. Arika was impersonating you, Your Majesty. That was funny!"
Arika was scared witless and now the blonde could comprehend what the expression on her fellow jester's face meant. "Oh right! I wasn't suppose to say that!" She giggled and turned her attention back to the Princess and discovered that she had brandished a gigantic 300 pound steel sledgehammer seemingly out of nowhere. "D'oh! Your Majesty! Please forgive me! I didn't--"
BAM!
"Ughh..." The blonde slithered to an unconscious heap on the marble floor.
The hellion of a Princess then regarded Arika. "Now then, would you like to share anymore jokes with us this evening?" She queried, still using a demon's voice.
Arika fainted.
Arika, fortunately was blessed by divine intervention and her life was spared because the cake has finally arrived. Mai and Akane strolled the giant dessert in the room timidly. Shizuru entered the room and eyed her younger sister with sincere sympathy. Nina entered the fray with a proud, wicked smirk like she knew something no one else in the whole world doesn't know.
Mai stepped forward and present the cake. "Here you go, Highness: One triple dipped chocolate devil cake with extra morsels of Hershey bars. Just the way you like it."
In an instant, the tyrannical she-devil transformed into an adorable grape haired angel with a massive sweet tooth. "Ooh! Wowie! Cake! Yahoo!" The little tyke climbed on the top of her throne as though it was a diving board and literally dived headfirst into the chocolate cake.
"I guess our work here is done," Akane sighed. She lifted Arika and Erstin and laid them upon both her shoulders. "That cake should hold her off for a while." They headed out of the throne room.
"By the way, Nina, what did you put inside that cake?" Mai wondered.
"Yes, please do enlighten us, Nina-chan." Shizuru nodded.
There was a mischievous look on the raven haired girl's face. "Let's just say that the kingdom now has a ghost of a chance in remaining prosperous."
In all honesty, Nina's words chilled the girls to the core.
END OF CHAPTER ONE
NEXT EPISODE
Mai: "Dang! I didn't know that you were a sorceress, Nina? How spooky is that?"
Nina: "I beg your pardon. I'm sort of a ghost summoner. Don't get it twisted."
Akane: "Wow. You called ghosts from the astral plane? This doesn't look good..."
Mai: "Sorceress, summoner... same difference. Akane, you believe in ghosts of all people?"
Akane: "Yes, I do. And it's high time I step out this castle for a while."
Nina: "Hey, don't worry. They're cool ghosts. They're the ghosts of time, not wandering spirits or demons."
Mai: "Wait a minute? This is sort of like a Christmas Carole?"
Nina: "You've guessed it. Now sit back and watch."
