Disclaimer: I do not own Square or any of the characters, obviously.
ForgettingEventually, everyone will end up alone.
Alone.
No one to talk to, no one to trust.
No one to say 'I love you' to.
No matter how happy you may be, or how much you care about someone, you will always end up alone. They will find some stupid reason to desert you, and take everything you live for with them.
That's what life has taught me.
Everyday since she left has been the same. I'll sit around in my stupid dorm room lying in my stupid bed, until there's more stupid paperwork to do for my stupid job.
My job is the only thing I can devote myself to. That stupid job was basically thrown at me, no one asked for my consent. No one even cared if I wanted it; I was just suddenly 'the Commander.'
But nothing even matters anymore. I just let my pointless life pass me by as I try my best not to remember her.
"Rinoa…"
Apparently, my best isn't enough.
I have to say her name everyday; I have to think about her everyday. Her smile, her voice, her touch. Everything about her is painfully etched into my brain.
When she was with me, I desperately clung onto every detail, like my life depended on it, so I could never forget anything about her, even if I wanted to.
I regret that now.
I want to forget her, I want to move on, but I guess I won't let myself. I wonder if I'm just afraid of letting go, or I'm just afraid of what may happen if I do.
Whatever… Nothing even matters anymore.
She's gone, and she's never coming back. She made that much clear when she—
"Yo, Squall!"
I don't wanna talk to anyone. Especially you.
"Squall, open up!"
No one's in here, I swear.
"I know you're in there!"
I'm still not answering.
A loud bang sounded from the bottom of the door.
Great, he kicked my door.
"SQUALL!"
Fine.
I pulled my stupid body off my stupid bed, and slowly walked over to the stupid door, opening it to find a stupid, angry Zell in front of me.
"What do you want?" I mumbled angrily, crossing my arms.
"Headmaster wants you," Zell replied, trying to match my tone.
"Fine," I said as I pushed past him, making my way towards the elevator.
"I hate seeing you like this, man," he said quietly.
He pitied me. I hated that more than... a lot of things.
I don't have time for this.
I continued walking, but I didn't get very far.
My head suddenly split into an unbearable headache. My vision went foggy, and there was an obnoxious buzzing filling my ears. I tried clapping my hands over my ears, but my arms wouldn't move. My body was paralyzed. I was crashing to the floor, screaming for my arms to move as the ground flew towards me closer and closer. I gritted my teeth as I braced for the upcoming impact.
Not a good idea.
My face painfully smashed into the cold floor. I thought my front teeth would fall out of my mouth, and my lips would soon probably be five times larger than normal. It felt like my nose was breaking off, and I could feel my warm blood freely gush from my nostrils when I heard her voice.
"Squall?"
Her voice.
I suddenly wasn't lying in a heap of pain on the hard floor; I was standing in a field of flowers, all my physical pain gone. Wind was rushing around me, blowing colorful petals everywhere.
Her back was to me, her long blue duster and raven black hair flying wildly about. Her hair was longer than I remembered it being. Hey, it had been two years.
Two years?
I couldn't even remember that much time passing.
She turned around, and began walking towards me. I couldn't see her face; she was looking down at the rings on her necklace, which were being clutched tightly in her pale fist.
I didn't know what to do, my throat ran dry, my voice wouldn't come. I couldn't think clearly; my knees felt weak, my body was trembling uncontrollably.
What the hell? This isn't like me.
She continued to come closer and closer towards me, and then she stopped within inches of me. She looked up at me, locking her brown eyes with mine. I couldn't look away, even if I wanted to.
Her skin was horribly pale, an unhealthy pale. The sallow color was a huge contrast next to the pale, but lively, healthy skin she used to have. She looked extremely tired, maybe sick. But that's not what really bothered me.
Fear was swirling vividly in her dark brown eyes. She was shaking violently, and she quickly bit her bottom lip, probably thinking it would help.
I wanted to stop her from shaking; I wanted to make her smile, make her laugh. I wanted to comfort her the way I used to, hold her tightly, but—
"Don't touch me!"
I will not touch her.
"Rinoa?"
I guess my voice came back to me, because I definitely said that. I'm not sure if I sounded glad, or angry, or hurt, or miserable, because I felt too much at once. It's hard to remember.
I don't really know how it happened, but she was suddenly just crying all over me. So, I did what I had to. I wrapped my arms securely around her, forgetting how angry I was at her, forgetting the pain I went through because of her, forgetting how she took away my reason to live.
I guess I have to take back what I said.
I won't touch her, unless something happens that tells me I can… Right?
She just stood there grabbing me for a while sobbing her eyes out. She was still quivering uncontrollably, and she felt really frail. She even felt cold.
The only time I remember her ever feeling this cold was after the second fight with Matron, when she first became a sorceress.
This isn't right.
I just kinda held her there for while, until I laid it all out in my head.
So basically, Rinoa left me, I haven't seen her for two years, and now all of a sudden she's here, just crying her way back into my arms? Something isn't right. None of this makes sense.
Wait.
"This is a dream."
The moment I said it, Rinoa dissaperated from my embrace with the rushing sound water makes as the faucet is shut off.
I can't believe I didn't realize it before. Of course it was dream. Like she would actually come back after telling me all that crap. But it doesn't make any sense; I'd already had thousands of dreams about her before, how was this one any different?
"Great job, Squall," a deep, ominous voice said, echoing loudly in my ears.
What the--?
"I guess you pass."
"Who are you?" I yelled, but I found I was no longer screaming in the flowery field; I was flinging myself up into a sitting position, in the infirmary bed. My face was tingling like crazy; reminding me of the painful date the floor had just taken my face on before I was plunged into that stupid, all-too-realistic dream.
Wait a second. Why did I even have that dream?
The deep voice rumbled through my head again.
I passed? What the heck's that supposed to mean?
I was too deep in thought to realize someone was staring at me attentively.
"You okay, Squall?"
I flinched visibly at the sound of the voice, which didn't make my mood any better.
Was my mood ever any better?
I looked over at Zell to see him on the edge of his seat, studying me intently, like I was an extremely thrilling movie.
Another voice spoke, much more high-pitched and happier than Zell's, "Yeah, you said alotta weird things!"
I looked towards the overly energetic voice to watch a yellow blur in a cowboy hat stupidly bound about, eventually ending up kneeling next to my bed. Or the bed. Whatever.
Selphie was staring at me intently, but she wasn't watching me like I was something incredibly enjoyable to look at, she gawking at me like I was just some huge bomb waiting to blow up. Oh well. It hasn't been the first time she's looked at me like that.
I sighed, rubbing my aching head. What do they want?
"What happened?" Zell asked.
I ignored his question. It shouldn't matter to them anyway.
"How long have I been out?" I asked instead.
"Hmm…" Selphie looked to Zell for support.
Zell seriously contemplated this for a few seconds before saying, "I dunno, a half hour?"
Half an hour? Did I really let her cry on me for that long?
"Hey, who were you talkin to?" Zell asked, trying to reword his previous question.
I just kinda looked at him. I hadn't been talking to anyone.
Oh, wait.
"Ya know," Selphie piped in, "'Who are you!'" she shouted, trying to make her voice sound deeper, but just ending up sounding plain ridiculous.
Is she trying to imitate me?
I looked away and said, "That's none of your business."
From the corner of my eye, I saw them exchange irritated looks.
I honestly just didn't care. They could think whatever they wanted about me.
"I gotta get outta here," I said, sliding off the bed, and heading for the door.
"Hey wait!" Selphie shouted.
"Oh yeah!" Zell yelled, "We're not supposed to let you walk around for a while!"
"Forget it," I said, going through the door.
Like I would actually waste my time lying around in this place.
Hey, what would I have been doing if Zell hadn't gotten me up in the first place?
…I think too much.
"Hey, Squall!"
I looked up to see a stupid grin plastered across that stupid cowboy's face.
"What's wrong… well, other than the usual?"
The usual? Is he just trying to tick me off?
I walked past him, deciding that it would be best not to say anything at all. I headed towards the elevator once again, to speak with the headmaster. I figured I might as well.
"Hey! Come on, Squall!" Irvine shouted, catching up to me.
Come on, what?
He ran in front of me, forcing me to stop and pay attention to him.
"Squall, it's been two years already," he said softly, "You need to get over her and move on."
As if you had the right to tell me that.
"Right," I said coldly, "Anything else important you feel I should do with my life?"
I walked past him again, hoping he would just give it up.
"Squall, I'm serious!" he shouted at me, "What you're doin' to yourself isn't healthy!"
Healthy? Since when has anyone cared about that?
"Hey Irvine, is going around without your stupid hat healthy?"
Don't ask me where that came from.
"What?"
"Just—just leave me alone," I shouted angrily, running through the elevator's open doors.
I pressed the button for the third level, and waited until the doors opened with an annoying DING! before running onto the next elevator, which took me into the second level of the headmaster's office.
"You wanted to speak to me, sir?" I asked the headmaster after I stepped off the lift.
The headmaster looked up from his desk, looking more stressed than he usually did. He opened his mouth, lips moving. I thought he was just saying something inaudible to himself, but his eyes met mine, so I knew he was definitely speaking to me.
Headmaster Cid continued speaking noiselessly to me, his mouth unmistakably moving, but none of his words reaching me. After a few seconds, his voice progressed from silent to just a whole bunch of scrambled mumbles.
"What?" I said, but his mouth just kept moving, like he hadn't heard me at all. "Sir?" I tried again, but he still just ignored me.
The excruciating pain in my head started up again, along with the ringing in my ears. I found I could actually move my body this time, because my hands were actually tightly clamped over my ears when I wanted them to be.
That didn't stop her voice from getting in my head.
I knew she was talking, but I couldn't understand her. She kept repeating herself, but her words were incoherently muffled together. She said a number of different phrases, each spoken with completely different emotions. Her phrases soon began repeating themselves, each in a different order every time. After a while, she started talking over herself, mixing different phrases over each other, making it impossible for me to comprehend anything she said. It made me feel dizzy and stupid, and my sanity couldn't take her screams, giggles, and whispers much longer.
"RINOA!" I screamed, falling to the ground on all fours, my hands still pressed tightly against my ears.
I ceased screaming when I felt the pressure of a trembling hand on my shoulder. I looked up to find myself face to face with Rinoa, looking exactly as I had seen her earlier, her skin a sickly pale, terror refusing to free its grip on her.
She spoke earnestly to me; I could tell she was desperately trying to give me a message. But like Cid, I couldn't hear any of her words. She grabbed my other shoulder with her free hand, tightening her hold on me with both hands, somewhat reducing her irrepressible trembling. She shook me frantically, shouting another word. No… I think it was a name.
My name.
I desperately tried reading her lips as she relayed another message, but I couldn't think clearly. She said my name again, repeating her anxious message over, and over, but I still couldn't make sense of what she was trying to say.
I whispered her name, unsure of what I was trying to accomplish. Maybe she would find her voice, maybe I would wake up. I don't know. I just wanted to do something for her.
She stopped talking, desperately searching my eyes for something, but I didn't know what. I just stared back into her frightened eyes, and then I shook my head slowly, telling her I just didn't know what she was trying to tell me.
Her eyes widened even more in fear at my reaction. She tightly clenched her tiny fists, gathering small fistfuls of my leather jacket in her hands, as she hung her head in despair, realizing defeat.
"Nice try, Rinoa," a recognizable voice thundered above me, "But I'm afraid you're out of time."
I looked down at Rinoa, to find her slowly drawing her head up to look at me. I knew she understood the confusion on my face, but she only gave a dark, miserable expression that told me she'd just lost all hope.
She mouthed my name one last time before sadly repeating her silent message. At the end, she added a word I recognized as 'please.'
I shook my head again, wanting more than anything to just understand what she wanted, what she was trying to tell me.
The edges of her figure started to become blurry. She gave me one last sad expression before the features on her face gradually disappeared. I jumped back in surprise, as the color of her dark hair slowly faded into a bright light, along with the color of her clothes, until she was just a shining silhouette against the darkness around me.
I was about to shout her name, when I realized I didn't know what name I was trying to shout.
Wait, then who was that girl?
Girl? What girl? What am I talking about? What's going on!
As I opened my mouth to shout something again, I was pulled into the air by what felt like an invisible arm. I thought I would crash into the ceiling, but right when my body and the hard surface should have been painfully colliding, I was falling into the soft, comfortable infirmary bed.
I was once again throwing myself up into a sitting position, panting heavily, frantically wondering what was going on.
Hadn't I just woken up like this before seeing the headmaster? I had a crazy dream like this one, didn't I?
I racked my brain to remember the first dream I'd had.
It seemed pointless. I was just standing in a windy field of flowers for a while. Why did I get so worked up about it? And this dream I just woke up from, I heard tons of weird voices, and then someone was trying to tell me something, something really important.
But what!
I felt empty. Like I'd just lost something that meant everything to me, but I just couldn't remember what it was.
"Squall?"
I found I was again flinching in surprise to a voice, but this time, it wasn't Zell, it was Quistis.
The girl in the orange was sitting in the same chair Zell had been sitting in, but her blue eyes weren't looking at me in wonder, they were staring at me with concern.
"Squall, who's Rinoa?"
I blinked.
Rinoa?
My stomach went into knots at that word. My head started pounding because of the blood that began rushing to my ears.
"Rinoa…" I said softly, hoping that speaking the name would bring back something about this person.
I remembered that this is exactly the way I'd felt during my first dream.
Anxious, hurt, scared…
Why do I feel like this?
"Squall?"
"What?" I asked, snapping back to the infirmary at the sound of Quistis' voice.
"When you were sleeping, you kept screaming that name. Who is it?"
Rinoa…
That name had a horribly huge impact on me. I felt like I should definitely know who this 'Rinoa' was, like I was being absolutely ridiculous to not instantly know who this person was, but I just didn't know.
And that drove me insane.
I looked around the room, hoping to find something that would force me to remember, but nothing came to my head. Only the fact that something extremely important to me was missing, gone.
"Squall, doesn't it feel like something's just not right?"
I nodded.
That's exactly how it felt. Almost like there was a huge hole in my chest, and I'd forgotten what was supposed to fill it. How could I possibly forget something that important?
I flopped back down on the bed, searching my memories for something, anything that would help me remember 'Rinoa.'
I found a whole lot of gaps.
I remembered back before we defeated Ultimecia. There was something my life had revolved around, something that mattered more to me than anything else in the world, something I was scared to death of losing.
But I just didn't know what.I then tried to remember what happened after we defeated Ultimecia. The month that followed seemed to be the best four weeks of my entire life. I remember I was always just really, really happy for, from what I could remember, no reason.
But there had to have been something to make me so happy, right? I mean, how could I just be happy on my own?
Wow. Am I really that kind of person?
Then I remembered something happened that broke me once again. I think it might have been something similar to Sis leaving me alone, but something that hurt me much more, because it was exactly what I'd been afraid of all along, and probably because of who did it to me.
So now I'm here, all alone, all alone and empty.
I searched harder for a memory, something that would tell me what had happened to me, only to realize that I didn't have any memories of actions or words or people. I only had memories of feelings. And maybe someone else's feelings.
But who?
"Something isn't right," I muttered, closing my eyes.
Then a voice rang through my head. A voice that struck fear and pain into me. A voice I recognized, but I couldn't attach it to a face or a name. A voice that had been desperately trying to tell me something important.
A voice I had been deaf to in a not so distant memory.
"Squall! Don't forget me. Everyone else will, but you have to remember! Please…"
Then I began to slowly piece together the strong feelings I associated with that voice, until a warm memory somehow found its way into my head.
"Squall… I love you."
Rinoa.
How could I forget?
I tried not to think, I stopped trying to remember her, but I couldn't stop the next wretched memory from surfacing, a memory that always came to my mind after I thought of the previous one.
"Don't touch me! …And don't come after me either!"
"What?"
"I'm not coming back! Just forget everything, ok?"
"Why? Rinoa, what's going on?"
"I don't have to tell you anything!"
And then she was gone, leaving me all alone, and confirming my worst fears.
It didn't make any sense. It had never made any sense to me.
During all the time we spent together, she always seemed so happy, she never ever seemed like she wanted to leave. But I guess I must have screwed up somewhere, because she just kinda blew up at me and left one night, and now, here I am feeling more alone and empty than I ever have in my life.
A familiar pain was suddenly throbbing inside my head again. This time, it wasn't taking me into a demented dream.
I found myself slowly forgetting the first time I met her, how she'd forced me to dance with her, then I forgot the time we met again, in Timber.
I gradually began to realize what was happening.
You're… erasing Rinoa?
I fought to keep her. They couldn't take what little I had left of her, they just couldn't. She was everything, I couldn't lose her, I refused to lose her.
Wait.
I've already lost her. She left me. She's gone.
With that in mind, I slowly began to open up my mind, letting whatever it was eat away my memories. It was painful, I had to relive every single moment I'd shared with her, but I quickly forgot why I was hurting once it was gone.
Soon, there was nothing left but a face, and a name.
Rinoa…
It all slowly left me, and I eventually fell asleep, ignoring the frantic screams of a voice I felt I recognized, but I couldn't remember how I knew it.
But sleep quickly took over, and I didn't have time to think about the desperate words that scared girl was shouting.
I don't know how long I slept, but when I opened my eyes, I discovered a pair of green eyes that were only inches from my face closely observing me.
I quickly sat up, causing the girl to jump back into the seat across from the infirmary bed.
I rubbed my forehead with a sigh, looking towards Selphie, expecting to see a spastic grin on her face, but instead found an abnormal, anxious frown.
We both just kinda stared at each other until she said,
"Squall, what's a Rinoa?"
Rinoa?
I quickly realized something important to me was missing. Something I cared about more than anything was gone.
Something wasn't right.
Something… but I just didn't know what.
And that drove me insane.
I hope you liked it! I understand it's all kinda confusing now, but the next chapter will make more sense. Read and review, please!
