Once upon a time in a land far far away everyone died and no one lived happily ever after. That was a concept that no one understood. You either died early or died a slow and painful death. One day a leprechaun decided to change this and set off to find the random feather of enlightenment. He found it but then got struck by a meteor. The feather was lost for a few hundred more years before another suicidal leprechaun decided to see if he could find it. First Jim Bob Duane (as he was so called) had the sense to go see the old fat wise woman who looked like a disheveled porcupine. She told him to go have a shower in the amazing pool of purple soap for two reasons. One because it gave him an extra 10 chance of surviving a few more hours and two because he smelled bad. Jim Bob Duane did so and then drowned. So it was another long 500 years before a disgruntled hedgehog called Bartholomew the 245th set out on the magical quest. He made sure he ate the magical grapes of survival that were buried underneath his next door neighbor's sequoia tree. That was why he was disgruntled. Because he had just spent a large portion of his life digging through the tree to get to the grapes. He finally found the random feather of enlightenment. A large crater appeared in the ground underneath and he fell down into it. Luckily he landed on the instantaneously appearing pillow and survived. He asked the feather what to do and it told him to find the large castle of impending doom and go into the living room. A goose would be doing a pedicure on the stairs but Bartholomew was to ignore it. In the living room he was to climb up the long dark and spooky fireplace and near the top would be a hole. In the hole would be the magical box of random things that would supposedly help you change the world. Bartholomew went to the castle and went in. There was indeed a goose sitting on the stairs but it was ugly so he ignored it. He went into the living room, found the fireplace and squeezed himself up it. Eventually he got to the top and found the box. He impaled it with one of his quills and then climbed out of the chimney and sat on the roof. He opened the box to find a smaller box of some strange substance called Kleenex. He ripped out a bit of it and instantly the sun came out and a disembodied voice began to speak. It coughed and hacked for a while actually but it eventually began to speak. It told him that he had proved himself and was now allowed to make three wishes. Bartholomew's fist wish was that people wouldn't always die. His next wish was that the fat old wise woman would. He decided to wait until he made his third wish. When he got home he got a heroes welcome from everybody in his village who new him. Which was approximately 4 people. He was very reclusive. When went inside he thought of his third wish. He decided that he had fallen in love with the next door neighbor and as a present decided to repair their tree. The disembodied voice said ominously that it was done. The next door neighbor still ignored him because he was a hedgehog. He died of old age a couple of years later in a state of depression.
