This is fucking unbelievable. Why did I have to go and fall in love with him of all people? I never ever wanted this. I wouldn't wish this awful feeling on anyone, but it just happened, it was totally out of my control. It crept up like a ghost, the accumulation if countless little fucking moments that I never saw coming, and neither did he. Fuck I feel sorry for him, and I feel just fucking... just horrible about mum. But I can't think about that now, my heart is already split in two and I am just trying to explain one half.

Wayne. Wayne. Wayne. Wayne with me in the kitchen. Wayne putting blankets on me so I woke up warm. Wayne in the bathroom. Wayne holding Janie. Wayne after Tama died. Wayne sticking up for Van. Wayne being there even when I didn't know how much I needed him. Wayne looking at me and seeing my true heart, where everyone else only saw things that would fade with the years.

God the smell of him... So warm and intoxicating. The smell of his neck, the smell of his hair. He could just pass me by and I would tingle. Like there is a current flowing between us, electric and connected, buzzing all the time. That feeling has been driving me crazy... That feeling like your whole torso is melting and tingling up to this pressure that sits on your chest... It is there all fucking day and even worse when he is near me and I can't touch him or even look at him the way I want to. I just want him so fucking badly... I didn't even realize how much until I saw Mandy pawing at him, and how well he stood up to her, and how he stood up to grandpa and jethro and even sometimes mum, because she really had him under the pump... She just kept breaking his heart... But that is no excuse.

Still it is what it is. I just can't believe that someone so truly amazing could look at me with those melting eyes and that love-struck school-boy look... God my heart can't take it. I want to be with him every second of every day. I want him to hold me when I sleep, I want him to be the only man that ever touches me, I want him to be the father of my children. I just want him.

Now I just have to wait and see what he decides. What mum decides... She can't even look at me and I don't blame her. Not one bit. But I have to stay with the conviction that me and Wayne were meant to be together, because otherwise it just doesn't make sense.

Anyways didn't mum and dad fall in love after a betrayal? Didn't they disregard Aunty Jeanette? Wasn't it good for them for so many years? Fuck, what the fuck am I talking about. No more fucking excuses Pascalle.

Shit it is messy. It is messy and ugly and fucking beautiful all at once... That is how I know it is real, because it is not perfect, it is human.

I know it is selfish of me to want it all, but at the end of the day I know that I have found my soulmate and that if I can't have him, then no one else will ever do.