You Liar
You're a liar and you know it.
There was no reason why you couldn't have just nodded your head, smiled a yes, murmured an agreement. No explanation was needed and if she'd asked you could have easily brushed it of. You've become quite good at that. Brushing the truth off for what you want to believe, what you wished happened. There was no reason why you had to Lie to her that night as the cool breeze nipped at your cheeks and the familiar rock of the ship lulled you into a false sense of calm. You knew straight away that you weren't telling the truth, as soon as the words left your mouth they slapped you in the face with more force than you want to think about.
You liar.
It's been five years and you're supposed to have moved on. Supposed to be able to answer a question like that because there's no reason why you can't, no reason why you should be holding onto the thread's of what used to be.
Except there is a reason, standing not 10 metres away from you and your sure that she must have heard, because the look on her face when she stepped from the shadow's hit you in the stomach hard. Harder than the force of the words themselves. The Lie. Your surprised no one noticed because you must have reacted. That look hurt. More than it did after 'it' finished, more than it did when she appeared in front of you those few week's ago. Even more than it did when she brushed 'it' off as just a 'thing'.
You're a liar and you know it and she knows it as well.
You've tried to convince your self that she shouldn't be hurt by your words. After all wouldn't it be worse for you to say it was a mistake? Shouldn't she be happy that you don't think like that, that you don't think of what happened as a mistake?
Once again you've tried to hard to brush it off and you know it. Not only are you a Liar but you can't face it, and that's almost worse than the words them self.
Because you both know that you weren't telling the truth that night, you both know that what you've tried to convince yourself was the right thing to say was a Lie. It wasn't a case of you not thinking of it as a mistake, it was simply you being too scared to acknowledge it in the first place.
And she knows it.
Dammit she knows you so well, better than anyone, your parents, sister, friends, and family. She knows you can't face what's happened. She knows you Lied because your to scared to admit that yes you did make a mistake five years ago. She knows your going to dance around the subject till the stakes get too high and one of you gets hurt. She knows it, you know it. It may take two to tango but you can't dance when no one steps on the dance floor and that's what both of you are doing. Staying on the sidelines.
Hoping that the mistake will float away, hoping you'll wake up one morning and be able to look at each other without falling apart on the inside. Hoping that the next time a question like that is asked you'll be able to tell the truth and not have to Lie about a mistake that's not supposed to mean anything.
Because the problem isn't that you Lied that night, or that she knows you did. It isn't even the look she gave you in acknowledgement of what you couldn't acknowledge.
The problem is the mistake itself. You made the mistake, five long years ago. You made the mistake and fell in love. Fell in love with the one person you shouldn't have, couldn't have and under any other circumstances wouldn't have.
Now you're trying to tell yourself you're still not in love
You Liar.
