(A/N Hello! You found me! So, this is a continuation of my head canon story, so if you didn't read my ME1 story "Escaping the Past", go find it now and read it. It's cool, I'll wait here. … Okay. So if you are here, you are obviously a Fem!Shep/Kaidan shipper like myself, or just enjoy all of the different Mass Effect story lines. I know how much ME2 sucked for the two of them, so I tried to think out what was going on in Kaidan's head during the whole thing. So here's my thoughts on what happened, as he finds out through various sources about what Shepard is doing. Since we obviously don't see what he's doing for the whole game except for one horrible little moment, most of this is going to be speculative. A big note here, I've been really careful to stay away from ME3 spoilers, the game isn't out for another 2 ½ months at this point. I don't think I'll be done with this by then, but if anything in ME3 seriously contradicts something I've written here, I will come back and change things around to fit with my personal game canon. The only thing I know is that Kaidan will be back, and romancable. Raphael Sbarge said in his audio blog that the scene he recorded was "steamy". So yay to that. Anyway my friends, lets get down to it. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy!)
CHAPTER 1
A month had passed since the battle for the Citadel. Three weeks since shore leave had ended. The non-human crew had departed, and the Normandy was on scouting patrols, looking for remaining pockets of Geth. Kaidan already missed their alien companions, they had all started building friendships, and the few extranet messages they had exchanged just weren't the same. Tali had thrown herself back into her Geth research, Liara was trying to get back to Ilos, Wrex had disappeared onto the Krogan homeworld, and Garrus had gone back to C-sec. The ship was quieter, the action few and far between, and Kaidan was extremely frustrated. Maybe entering a secret relationship with the CO was a bad idea. After spending three blissful days together, walking on the beach, watching vids, and curling up together at night, they were reduced to long glances, lingering handshakes, and very few desperate stolen moments in shadows. They had worked hard to keep things professional, Shepard acted as she always had, and he pretended not to mind when he stayed behind on missions. He didn't actually stay behind that often, he was her highest ranking officer, biotic, and tech expert, but when she did, he spent the entire time in the cockpit with Joker. If he stayed by himself, he would drive himself crazy with worry. It was stupid, he knew, but he still felt the protective urges. When she came back to the safety of the Normandy, he felt the horrible weight lift off him.
Shepard was frustrated as well. Instead of pursuing the threat of the Reapers, the Council had them chasing Geth. After following another false lead to a far corner of the galaxy, she climbed out of the Mako in a huff, and stomped away towards the armory. Corporal Emerson, a marine that had recently been assigned to the Normandy, looked nervously at Kaidan.
"Is she alright, Lieutenant?"
"She's fine. She's just frustrated." Kaidan sighed, and pulled himself out of the transport. "I'll go talk to the Commander."
He walked across the empty flight deck, followed by Emerson. The mission had taken longer then they had planned, and most of the Normandy crew was asleep.
"Commander. Is there anything I can do for you?"
She turned, a dark expression on her face.
"Anyone could be doing this. Why are they wasting us?" She said. "I'm starting to think they don't believe me about the Reapers."
"They have to believe you. Everyone saw Sovereign!"
"I know. I just think something strange is going on." She sighed, and folded her arms across her chest. "I thought being a Spectre would mean we would be doing bigger and better things. They have half the fleet out chasing Geth. We should be figuring out how to stop the Reapers."
Kaidan reached out to brush her hair out of her eyes, but stopped, remembering at the last minute that they weren't alone. They watched the Corporal put away his hardsuit and weapons before heading to the elevator. Once they heard the doors close, Shepard balled her hands into fists and hit them gently against Kaidan's chest before slowly falling against him.
"I hate feeling useless." She murmured. "I'm supposed to be saving the galaxy."
Leaning his forehead against hers, he breathed in deeply, the smell of her filling his lungs and making his brain go slightly fuzzy.
"We'll figure it out somehow. Everything is going to work out."
"You're getting better at being a sympathetic shoulder." She laughed, and pulled away to remove her armor.
After putting away the last of his own armor, he felt Shepard grab him by the arm.
"I think I need a bit more than a shoulder right now."
They stepped into the shadows of the flight deck, and he leaned her up against a wall, and took a moment to study her face, the hardness of her frustration melting away as she looked up at him. A slight bruise was growing on her forehead, a souvenir from the Mako and her poor driving skills, and the freckles she had gained on shore leave were scattered across her cheeks and nose, but were starting to fade. He glanced to the side to make sure they were truly alone, then pushed himself up against her and kissed her deeply. Her hands ran up his back and into his hair, gripping tightly as he lifted her off the floor. They broke apart to breathe, and Shepard grinning up at him.
"One day we are going to get caught, you know." She sighed, and buried her face in his chest. "At least that would give us some excitement."
"I don't know." He stroked her hair gently. "If the Reapers do show up, don't you think its going to be crazy? You remember the last one we saw? We can't take one on alone. Its probably best that we stick near the fleet until we figure out what's going on."
"Maybe you're right. I just want to get out there. I wish there was some way of convincing the council..."
"Well..." Kaidan pushed himself away so he could look at her. "I know you saved the council, and Anderson is on it now... but... you don't have a very good track record of keeping your temper with them."
She wrinkled her nose at him, and nodded.
"Then let's just enjoy this. Who knows when we'll get to be alone again?"
"I think this is the third time since I got back onboard."
"Exactly. And even now we aren't actually alone. You know Joker's listening to us."
The silence that filled the room almost had a guilty feel to it. Since they had both spent half of their shore leave on the Normandy, Shepard and Joker apparently had a long conversation on the nature of privacy and discretion. Or as Joker had put it, she lectured him for an hour about eavesdropping.
"We should get to sleep. We're hitting a new system in a few hours."
They kissed again, clinging to each other tightly, neither one wanting to let go. Pulling apart sadly, they made their way to the elevator.
For once, Kaidan appreciated the slowness of the lift, it gave them one last chance to embrace. They sprung apart as the doors opened, much to the amusement of Doctor Chakwas. Shepard coughed awkwardly.
"Remember that thing we discussed, Lieutenant. Dismissed." Without looking at him or the doctor, she walked quickly out of the elevator and around the corner.
"Lieutenant Alenko." Chakwas said, trying to hide a smile. "No migraines recently?"
"Um. No."
"That's good. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go restock the MediGel in engineering."
They switched places, Kaidan stepping off the lift as she stepped on. He made a point not to turn around as he walked away, but felt himself wince as he heard her laughing as the door closed. Damn. Shepard's door was already closed, he lingered for a moment, half tempted to follow her in, finish what they had started on the flight deck. I can't. It's just too risky. Dammit. He rested his head against the wall for a moment, then headed into a sleep pod for a few hours of restless sleep.
The next morning, he was back down on the flight deck, talking to the requisitions officer about some armor upgrades. It was hard to concentrate, his eyes kept drifting away to the far corner. If he concentrated hard enough, he could still smell her shampoo faintly, the light vanilla imprinted on his mind. Sighing heavily, he tried to tune back into the conversation.
"Sorry, what were you saying?"
"I asked if you wanted to check out any of the new pistol modifications we picked up last time we were at the Citadel."
"Oh. Right. Sorry. I lost my train of thought when we went through that last relay. I think I'm good on modifications." He idly ran his hand over his sidearm. Shepard had already modded extensively before giving it to him.
"Yeah. Where are we now?"
"Omega Nebula. Amada system."
"We've been out here for days. You'd think we'd have found something by now."
Kaidan was about to answer when a loud siren went off. Evasive maneuvers? What the hell is going on? The ship pitched sideways, sending Kaidan stumbling back towards his locker. As everything leveled out, he flung the small door on and climbed into his hardsuit. Once we get away from whoever this is, Shepard will probably want to give chase. I should be ready.He bolted towards the elevator, still strapping everything into place. I need to find Shepard. An explosion rocked the ship as the elevator rose slowly upwards. Comeoncomeoncomeon... He locked his helmet into place, dreading that the lift doors would open into dead space.
"Joker! What the hell is going on?" He yelled into his comms.
"Some unknown ship's trying to blast us out of the sky!"
When the doors finally did open, it wasn't space that greeted him, but fire.
"It's bad down here Joker, have Pressly get you down to the escape pods!"
"Pressly's dead, Alenko. I can get us out of this!"
"The ship's blowing up, Joker!"
"I can do it!"
Kaidan ran towards Shepard's cabin, she could order sense into their pilot; her door was jammed open, the room empty. Kaidan searched frantically, then saw her at the console past the sleeper pods, silhouetted by flames.
"Shepard!" He called out to her. She locked her helmet into place, and turned to face him.
"Distress beacon is ready for launch." Her voice was calm, but he could hear her breathing over their comms. Her breaths were short, as if she were struggling to keep her composure.
"Will the Alliance get here in time?" A panel next to him exploded, knocking him into one of the pods. He groaned at the impact, then pulled himself upright.
"The Alliance won't abandon us. Get everyone onto the escape shuttles!" She grabbed an extinguisher, and started spraying the fires that blocked the hatches, before tossing it to him.
"Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship." He turned to face her. "I'm not leaving either!"
"I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles." She grabbed his arm, and pressed her helmet to his. Through the glass of his visor, he could see her eyes desperately looking up at him, flames reflecting in them as their world burned down around them. "I'll take care of Joker." She turned to run towards the stairs as another explosion shook the ship.
"Commander!" Kaidan said desperately.
"Kaidan, go. Now!" She yelled, and was gone.
"Aye aye."
He found a group of crew members huddled around the mess table, cringing away from the flames.
"You're going to have to run for the shuttles!" He yelled at them. "If you go quickly, you'll be fine. Once your shuttle is full, deploy it! We've already sent the distress beacon."
He stood at the bottom of the stairs and directed crew to the hatches. I hope the people in engineering got to their shuttles all right. They'll never make it up the elevator in time.
Doctor Chakwas ran out of the med center and practically flung herself towards him, followed by several marines.
"This is the last of them! We need to go now!" She cried. Kaidan nodded.
"Follow me!" He took off running towards the last escape shuttle. "Everybody in! Go, go!" He hustled everyone in, waiting for the last ensign to catch up. She turned at the last second as a huge explosion ripped through the cabin. Her scream was cut short, her burned body crumpled to the floor. Dammit. Kaidan stepped out to grab her, but Chakwas called him back.
"She's dead, Lieutenant. We need to go."
Kaidan strapped himself and hit the release button. Everything pulled to the side as their shuttle hurtled away from the burning Normandy into space.
Kaidan took his helmet off and slowly turned it in his hands. His mind flashed back the aftermath of their earlier mission on Luna. Shepard just sat there, staring at her blood covered helmet. That mission made me a wreck about her. When that last explosion went off, and she wasn't moving... He shook the miserable image from him head, and tried to focus. She's going to be fine. She always is. There is a pod right next to the cockpit. She's strong enough to carry Joker, they just have to get to it. He looked up to see Chakwas staring at him.
"Someone will come for us soon. There are other Alliance ships in this sector."
He nodded, but continued to fidget. Nothing would be alright until he saw Shepard again, and knew she was safe. He rested his head against the restraints of the seats, and listened to the gentle sobbing of the private next to Chakwas. The doctor was awkwardly holding the girl's hand, trying to give what comfort she could. Kaidan was almost grateful for the noise, if the pod had been silent, he would have gone crazy. His mind was already drifting to the horrible quiet after Sovereign's explosion. If only I could have heard her, it wouldn't have been so bad. But the crushing silence, thinking she was dead and buried under burning rubble... He coughed loudly, and rubbed his temples. Stop thinking like that. She's going to be fine. She has to be fine. Think about happy things, dammit. He let his mind drift back to shore leave, to waking up with Shepard in his arms. The way her hair always smelled slightly of vanilla, her secret red toenails, how her skin was always warm, even when she complained she was cold. He sighed, and started turning his helmet again. Every happy thought he had was about Shepard, and he wasn't going to rest easily until they were all rescued.
After several long hours, a loud banging noise signaled their salvation. The hatch swung open, and hands reached in to help them out. Kaidan stepped onto the flight deck of what appeared to be a large cruiser. He wasn't sure which one, and at the moment he didn't care.
"Did you recover all the pods?" He asked, grabbing the nearest crew member. The stunned corporal nodded, pointing over Kaidan's shoulder. All of the Normandy escape shuttles were lined up, slowly being opened one by one. He watched nervously, as each pod failed to contain Shepard. Finally, several people helped a shaken Joker through a hatch and onto the deck. Breathing out, Kaidan started walking towards the pod, a grin spreading across his face. Its completely normal for me to great her. It looks like I'm the highest ranking surviving officer. I need to give her a status update. Joker looked up as he approached, and the look on the pilot's face turned Kaidan's blood to ice. Something's wrong. Maybe she's hurt. That's why she's not getting out of the pod... she's not getting out of the pod. All composure gone, he bolted to the shuttle. It was empty.
His ears filled with a roaring noise as all air left his lungs and his world crumbled. Everything in his vision went red. He spun to face Joker.
"Where. Is. Shepard." He could barely get the words out.
Joker mumbled something as he was helped onto a stretcher.
"What."
He repeated it, no louder than the first time.
"Joker. Where. The fuck. Is Shepard." Kaidan leaned towards his friend, dreading the answer he knew was coming. Joker's voice cracked with grief as he spoke the worst word in the galaxy.
"Spaced."
Kaidan threw his helmet across the flight deck with enough force to crack the visor, and everyone turned to stare. He felt firm pressure on his arms as Doctor Chakwas came up behind him, and started pushing him towards a small door.
"Don't do this here." She hissed at him, and turned to a member of their rescue party. "He's suffering from stress and a biotic migraine. I need to treat him somewhere quiet." Following the pointing finger, she steered Kaidan into a small office and closed the door. "Now, Lieutenant, you may have your breakdown."
In the silence of the small room, all of his strength left him, and he collapsed to his knees.
"I should have gone with her." He said, choking back his grief and rage. "I could have done something. I could have saved her!"
"But you saved so many of us. You saved my life."
"You're not HER!" He yelled. "We were going to muster out. We were going to survive this whole mess and live a normal life together." Hot tears of anger ran down his face, and he looked up at the doctor. "We were going to be happy."
"I'm so sorry, Lieutenant." She placed a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "I suspected there was something between you two, but I did not know it was that serious."
He looked up, quizzically. Breathing was taking to much effort for him to speak.
"I'm a good observer of people. Beside, when you brought her back from Eden Prime, I could tell you felt something for her. And she for you."
"What?" He gasped out.
"The way she watched you walk of the med bay. She asked about you after, as well. She wanted to know all about you and your biotics." She stopped, looking guilty. "I'm sorry. This isn't what you want to hear right now. But I can't let you go back out there. If they see you like this, it could destroy your career."
"I don't want this anymore." He buried his head in his hands. "I want Shepard."
"She's gone." Chakwas' voice shook, the stress of the day finally getting to her. "You have to carry on. You have to finish what she started."
Kaidan felt a sting in his neck as the doctor injected him with a tranquilizer. As he felt himself slump over, he looked up at her blurry face.
"If you knew, why didn't you turn us in?"
"Your happiness wasn't hurting anyone. Until now."
His last conscious thought before passing out was of Shepard, separated from him by the glass of their helmets. She blinked slowly, then turned away from him to run through the flames to her doom.
