Chapter One: In Which Zim Does Something More Monumentally Stupid than Usual

-x-

"So, how does it feel to be one the last surviving humans in existence?" the Tallest Red asked the downtrodden teenager jovially, "Isn't this what you wanted - to be recognized as a non-crazy human child? You were right. Aliens were real. And yet—" he sneered, "—here you are, alone, without companions and the last surviving free member of the human race. How does this make you feel Dib?"

Dib shakily raised his head and glared at the Irkens (mainly Red) seemingly without an answer. Then, as he locked eyes with Zim, he let loose a torrent of the nastiest, filthiest words in every language that he knew (being Dib that was: English, French, German, Japanese, Sanskrit, ancient Greek, modern Greek, Austrian, Russian, Hungarian, Romanian, seven different pygmy tongues, three African dialects, Chinese, Latin, and some bits of Irken and Vortian).

Zim stared, 'How DARE he insult the Tallest like that?! That filthy human!!!' He reached for the mag pistol at his hip and proceeded to open fire at the angry human.

"Zim!!! What in the name of the Tallest Miyuki did you do that for?!!!" Purple screamed as Dib's blood pooled around their feet.

"He was insulting you and needed to die for that." Zim explained, confused by his leader's anger at his actions.

"He was going into our breeding zoo ya' dolt! We needed him!" Red retorted angrily.

"Breeding zoo?" Zim raised an antenna in question, "Zim has never heard of this 'breeding zoo'…"

Purple silently motioned to his co-ruler, "Non-Tallests aren't supposed to know about the breeding zoo…way to spill the beans to the most hated Irken in existence Red." He hissed angrily.

"Sorry Pur" Red pouted, using his buddy's nickname, "We could always throw him out an airlock!"

"But he took over Earth! And I don't think there's an Irken anywhere in the Empire that's THAT desperate for praise! I say we send him to go get us another human from the Galactic Slum's slaving corporation." Red nodded at this idea and both Tallests turned to face the small Elite Invader.

"Zim…the breeding zoo is a special enclosure that the Tallests heave, since the beginning of time, kept one of each species they have conquered in for hybrid-breeding to create better Irkens."

"Better Irkens?!!! Irkens need no bettering!!!! Irkens are supreme!!!" Zim crowed at his leaders.

"Well all Irkens are a product of this cross-breeding anyways-" Red began to shout, "After the first race we conquered (which was the Reaken race that shared Irk with us) the Almighty Tallest Iriu used the DNA from the last remaining Reaken to adapt and change the Irken smeets to make them better."

"But you have a zoo for BREEDING," Zim protested, not quite getting it, "That's not DNA, that's mating. How does that help the Irken race?!"

"When the Tallest Iriu changed out smeets' DNA, he wound up making us unable to survive without help, thus the reason for our PAKs. Due to that, we need to make sure that adding more DNA won't make it so that we need more adjustments to our PAKs and the way we live." Purple said calmly, his cool still intact. "Today's smeets have Reaken speed and intelligence, Andromedian healing, Msu'xbei life-span and stamina, and Jduwixhian technological skills. Unfortunately, their DNA also made us shorter than five feet (with the exception of the Tallests of course) and allergic to meat and water. So before you condemn us for 'inferior breeding' remember that you, yourself are a product of this breeding."

Zim whined slightly, "But what could you want the humans for?" He was desperate for the praise he expected when he killed the Dib, "They're stinky and smelly, and stupid to boot!"

"For their height and tolerance to meat and water! We could fix the mistakes of our predecessors!!!"

"Ah…" Zim sighed in realization, "The allergies and the height thing…makes sense now - mmyep."

"But - due to the fact that you turned our human into a giant meaty colander - you have to go get us a new one." Purple grinned.

"b-but where is Zim supposed to go get a new human? They're all dead, remember?"

"Y'ever heard of the Galactic Slums?" Red asked slyly.

"The Galactic Slums?" Zim wracked his PAK for any knowledge on this 'Galactic Slums' and came up with…nothing! "Well of course I've heard of the Galactic slums! What self-respecting Elite doesn't know of the Galactic Slums?!" he scoffed, clearly lying, making a note to update his PAKs memory on the galaxy ASAP.

The Tallest shared a 'he has no idea what he's doing' Look (patent pending) and Red grinned again, rather hungrily this time seeing as he's seconds away from ridding the Empire of Zim for about a year and THAT called for a party (which meant high-calorie, high-sugar foods out the wazoo…yum). "In the farthest reaches of the Slums is a planet named Vershinmientransh'lakiir (more commonly known as Mientran) where the last vestiges of the human race exists as slaves"

"Wait—they discovered space travel?" Zim interrupted.

"No. Right before the bio-sweep some pirates may have picked up some humans to sell them for a huge amount of monies where they'll either be sold or bred to create higher-priced hybrids."

"So? What does this have to do with Zim?"

"We need you to go and get us ONE human from that planet, preferably female. A MATURE female?" Purple now wore the hungry look.

"Zim will get the Tallest a human! Zim will not fail! Zim is ZIIIM!!!!!" He shouted his name like it was synonymous with amazing (in reality, Zim is Irken for 'destroyer of worlds' and in Galactic Common it's 'one who has more luck than the gods'). Then he hopped in his A-14 Voot-class cruiser and shot off into the darkness of space.

Red smiled at the retreating ship, "Wellp…there he goes"

"Yup…"

"You think he'll notice he'll notice he has no monies?"

"Not till he hits Mientran. How much you wanna bet he runs out of fuel?"

"You know I don't bet when it comes to Zim. But if I did, I'd say he'd make it halfway back from Mientran before he dies. Via a black hole." Red added nastily, "Now…about those party-foods…"

-x-

Zim cruised past the stars and planets, naming them as he went to pass the time, "Eitrrth - taken over by Znith, Rartok by Aiers, Sjdneov by Qxtal, Nis, Ehdoenn, Geoxb…RRGH!!!!" he scowled and shook his fists angrily, "This is so boring!!! After I took over Earth I thought I'd be put on a pedestal and worshipped not sent off to be the Tallest's mail boy! Zim shouldn't have to fetch inferiors for no one! Not even the Tallest." He added as an afterthought to his rant, grumbling slightly. "And even though GIR is off elsewhere doing harm to other people, I kind of...NO!!!! I do NOT miss that defective piece of scrap! I am Zim! Zim needs no one, NO ONE!!!!" He scowled again; wasting energy on that rant had drained his PAK's reserve energy and he needed to stop and charge. "Computer!!! Wake me when we reach Mientran!"

[YES SIR…] the ship's computer sighed, replying in that tone that Zim detested. Zim quietly reminded himself to fix that, it got on his nerves and four months of that might possibly drive him mad. Then he plugged himself in and rolled over, dreaming of all his 'achievements' from initiation to recent times. He smiled softly as Dib dying passed through his head, "Mmyep…one less human in the universe. Good for them" He sighed softly and began to dream again.