Dear Alice,
He promised it would be as if he never existed… What an absurd thing to say! As if my memory…could ever be wiped of…him. When you left, when he left, he took everything with him. My heart; that's definitely gone. Alice, I don't want to wish that this never happened, because it was his choice, but I wish you had stayed to at least wish me a goodbye, or something.
So in a sense, was it ever real? Was anything real? Was he just obligated, coerced into staying with me? And for how long? These questions roam through my head all day, along with the loss. I get up everyday for Charlie, because I know he's hurting too, and I can't bear the loss of another person.
I miss you, Alice. So much. Whether or not your reading this, it feels good to get this off my chest; to tell someone… School feels different without him. Your table is still there; deserted and left off to a corner. I try not to look at it because the remembrance, just one small flicker of a thought of him, could kill me. I try my best not to think of him, but eventually, he makes his way back.
This pain is like nothing I've ever felt. Much worse then when I fell on the glass at the party, much worse than when James broke my leg. I'd suppress a thousand leg breaking before I went through this again. The pain has no name, no number, and no title. It's just there. There's no medication for it, no cure. And I'm living on his memory, although it hurts, that's the only thing that matters. He was once mine, as I was once his.
I hope to hear from you soon.
P.S. I'll never forget.
-Bella
