Chapter 1: Some scars will take longer to heal than others
The flashing of the street lights, the feel of cool glass on his face and the steady noise of his beloved Impala's engine as it roared down some highway, was the only reminder to Dean that he was free. Leaning up against the front passenger seat's window, Dean had been wallowing in his own thoughts ever since leaving Duluth. He sat in silence. In fact, Dean could count on two hands, how many words both brothers had uttered to one another since getting in the car to drive back to the bunker over four hours ago. Other than asking about coffee breaks and toilet stops, both had been deep in thought about what had just occurred. Each trying to come to terms with what had happened, in their own way.
There had been no debate over who would be driving. Dean was in shock. His body still felt strange, and it was clear to everyone, that he couldn't get behind the wheel of his beloved Baby. How he was feeling at this moment in time, would only result in Baby's death, Sam's death and known his luck, not his death. Dean blinked as he realised the noise from the Impala's engine had ceased. Looking around him, he noticed Sam had stopped at a gas n sip to refuel. Dean thought it was a good opportunity to stretch his legs and get some air. Despite Sam's initial relief, it was clear to the elder Winchester that his brother was unsettled and at times uncomfortable with him as his travelling companion. And if Dean was being honest, he couldn't blame him. After all, for weeks, Dean had allowed his body to be used as the Archangel Michael's puppet; doing God knows what to innocent people and planning some God Almighty apocalyptic plan. How could Sam really trust him now or down the line?
On automatic pilot, Dean got out of the car and walked. In no time he found himself in front of a broken mirror, in the stations' men's restroom. It was the first time he had really looked at his reflection, since he got back. He had avoided it because he feared his appearance, but he was now curious to know what external damage Michael's possession had done to him. Sighing in relief, he could not see any facial damage, but looking directly at his eyes, he knew deep down, the damage went much deeper. It was emotional and most likely deeply psychological.
He twisted the cold water tap in a bid to freshen up. It was strange. As he looked at his complexion, he didn't look physically tired, but he was weary. He wasn't hungry either, despite not eating for what was well over a month. Instead, his hunger wasn't for food. He was hungry for information, and more specifically knowledge and memories of what he had done during Michael's possession.
He splashed water over his face and as he raised his head again, the light above the mirror flickered. It was then that a memory hit him. He was standing in front of a different mirror, but this time he was dressed in a fancy suit. No, it was a tuxedo. He was looking at himself, but it wasn't himself, it was Michael. Dean remembered that he felt exhausted, but he had managed to break free from the torture. Summoning all his strength, Dean recalled how he pleaded with Michael and then threatened the archangel. His memory flashed an image. He felt anger coming from Michael as he punched the glass and he heard the words, 'I own you… Now hang on and enjoy the ride!'
Pain rang through Dean's head as the memory ended as abruptly as it had started. The memory was strong and vivid, but sadly, it didn't tell Dean anything he could use in the future against Michael. Instead, it did the opposite. It reminded him of how weak he had been and how easy Michael had controlled him. With that thought, anger surged within Dean. He was angry at everything that had happened. There were so many emotions running through him. Ironically, despite being free of Michael, he still felt powerless, impotent and unclean. Looking down at his attire, he started to whip off his overcoat. The hat had disappeared in Duluth, but now the jacket had to go, this was followed swiftly by the tie. He felt constricted and began to unbutton the waistcoat and his white shirt. He raised his eyes to take in his reflection. The dishevelled look pleased and calmed him. Gone was the conservative and stiff look of Michael, to be replaced by the relaxed look of Dean Winchester. Emotions back under control, Dean made his way back to the Impala and to his brother. He still didn't utter a word as his brother took in his new appearance. Thankfully for Dean, Sam said nothing, just nodded and got back into the car.
The silence in the car was both welcoming and uncomfortable. As much as Dean didn't want to talk about what had happened, he knew that he needed to remember as much as possible. If honest with himself, he was embarrassed by the lack of memory. Using the monotony of the highway, Dean focused on recent events in the hope it would spark more memories as well as produce answers to the growing list of questions.
Concentrating hard, Dean remembered saying yes to Michael. He remembered bits and pieces of the fight with Lucifer, but after that nothing. A big fat nothing, until a few seconds before the double doors of that church in Duluth opened. Thinking back, Dean recalled how one minute he was being tortured and then the next he found himself standing confused in the vestry of an old church, in front of a set of doors. Dean had been completely disorientated. He could barely remember what his name was, never name, where he was, why he was there or what date it was?
The confusion was made worse, as he heard shrieks and screams from behind the set of doors in front of him. Some of the voices seemed familiar, but as his brain tried to come back 'on line' again, he thought he recognised his brother shout out something. He then heard gunshots. His first thought was to run as far away as possible. Wasn't that what normal human beings did when they heard gunfire. But somehow, Dean felt that was the wrong thing to do, besides his legs seemed to not really be working right at the moment. As he debated internally about what to do, he heard someone shout 'nothings working' followed by a gruff voice stating 'well, that works.'
"Everyone OK, anyone get bit? Concentrating on the voice, Dean was at least 70% sure that was his brother on the other side of the doors. Then he heard a woman say 'no' followed by another man reply with 'I'm OK. What the hell kinda werewolves were those?' As Dean listened to the female voice talk about what didn't kill the creatures, Dean believed the voice was that of his mother, Mary Winchester. It was as Mary stated that 'silver didn't touch them', that Dean realised that he had somehow pushed both doors open, but he couldn't understand how, given that he had difficulty controlling his arms. He still felt detached from his body so he stood for a few seconds with his head down and arms at his side, all the while, willing his legs to begin moving again. He knew all eyes in the room were now on him, but try as he might, he couldn't speak, never name run to them. Inwardly, Dean was screaming at his body, 'MOVE you stupid son of a bitch!' And then a miracle seemed to happen. His body began to follow his orders and gingerly he put one foot in front of the other and stepped into the room. His eyesight was a little blurry, but he managed to locate a pillar in the middle of the room and that pillar became his target as he continued to move slowly into the main section of the church.
As he got closer, he willed his arm to raise so he could eventually lean against the post. He was exhausted. As his brain and body realigned themselves, he realised his entire physical form was shattered. From the feel of his bones and muscles, Michael must have been working non stop for weeks without food, water or rest and his body was now paying the price. As he finally neared the pillar, he managed to raise his head, but he couldn't shake the confusion of who he was, what was happening and where he was? Finally, he managed to reach the pillar. He was barely holding himself up at this stage, but his head was now spinning and a headache was starting. It wasn't helped by the tightness of some sort of hat. Dean believed that nothing short of decapitating himself would aid in stopping the building headache, but at least he could remove the hat, which he did. He counted that as a small victory, but felt he needed to go further as he knew he needed help. Pushing the words out of his mouth he said, "Sammy! It's me." The actual words had exhausted him but as he closed his eyes, the feeling was one of relief. He had escaped Michael and had found his family.
It seemed that nothing happened for ages, and then his not so little brother was in front of him trying to support his weight as Dean's legs began to give out. Sam seemed to notice and decided to help him to fall to the floor. As Dean began to search through his memories, he heard Sam say, "Dean. Is it really you?" Struggling to get his bearings he replied, "yeah, it's really me." Dean feared what the next question would be, and he was not disappointed. "Are you OK?" Sam's question seemed to annoy Dean as the older hunter clearly believed his appearance most likely answered the question. "NO, I'm not OK!" Dean happened to look around him and he saw his mum smile and that give him some hope because that look told him, that his mum recognised that he was truly back with them. Of course, Sam wouldn't drop the 20 questions. "But you got Michael to leave?" 'That's Sammy. Straight to the point, how am I going to explain this because I don't even understand it.' Shaking his head, Dean continued, "no, no I don't. I didn't."
Apparently, no one was ready to believe him as Bobby asked, "What?!" Dean raised his eyebrows as if he was shocked by his own words. Before he could answer, Sam asked, "why?" So Dean repeated, "I don't know!" He backed his words up with a strong shake of his head. He lifted his head to meet his brother's eyes and reiterated, "I don't know!" Despair started to settle in as realisation sunk in. It didn't go unnoticed by Dean, when Sam give a look to both Mary and Bobby. Dean lowered his head as a myriad of emotions from anger to fear rushed through him. He was scared to look at his family because he dreaded what he might see in their eyes.
The blaring of a car horn jolted Dean out of his memory. Raising his head he realised they were about an hour out from Lebanon. He needed air and a change of scenery. Turning to his brother he put on a smile. "Sammy, I guess you're getting a little tired of driving and I'm still not completely up for it yet, so why don't we stop and get ourselves a cup of the good stuff and some hot chow?" Sam didn't say much, but nodded. He kept driving until they came across a diner. The parking brake wasn't even enabled, before Dean was out of the car and walking fast towards the entrance. In fact, he had the order placed for both of them by the time Sam had managed to sit down. It was then that he realised his mistake. "Oh! Sorry Sam. I hope you don't mind, I took the liberty of ordering for the both of us, given we both want to get home as quickly as possible. … Emm. I didn't think you'd mind, but she's just left the table, so I guess you should be able to get it changed if you want." Sam just shrugged his shoulders and sat down. 'Odd? Normally sasquatch would give me his signature bitch face. Oh man, he really feels sorry for me. Oh God no!'
The food arrived and both brothers sat chewing the edible grub in front of them. Dean noticed Sam sneaking sad looks at Dean every so often. A number of times, he wanted to stare his brother in the eyes and scream at him 'What? Just tell me Look! I'm not him!' But every time he plucked up the courage to raise his head he was met with large puppy dog eyes packed full of sympathy among other emotions. He just couldn't do it. It was the same look his mother had given him, back at the church. First there was joy in their eyes, which quickly turned to pity and it was then followed by suspicion. The fact that Dean captured a glimpse of suspicion in both his loved ones eyes was the most worrying. 'Did they not believe Michael was gone? Did they not trust him anymore? Should they treat him with 'kit' gloves because he's compromised?'
The elder Winchester felt that it was most certainly the case, especially when his mum and Bobby quickly made their excuses to stay and investigate what Michael had been really doing in Duluth. As Dean flashed back to the conversation he realised that had been exactly the case:
'As Sam had signalled that they should leave the church and get back to the bunker, Dean noticed hesitation in his mother's body language. "Emm, Sam. I don't think it's such a good idea to just drop everything now that we have Dean back and go home. There's too many questions that still lie unanswered." Sam stood thinking for a minute. Dean could see from the pensive look in his brother's shoulders that all was not well. Finally, Sam made a decision for everyone. "Yeah, your right. We need to know where those super charged werewolves came from and what they've got to do with Michael. Better still it would be good to check if Michael has touched down in a vessel. Maybe check out missing people reports, etc. Let's get this mess cleaned up, or at least start to clean it up."
As Dean remembered those last words, he knew he had monumentally fucked up. And worse still, so did everyone else. Guilt set in as the hunter realised people had died because of his decision and now Bobby and his mum were having to clean up his mess. That just wasn't right. It was made ten times worse as Bobby's reactions to him were stilted and that told him that the older hunter was not letting his guard down around him. Even his mum seemed colder.
Dean's eyes widened slightly with the thought that his mum didn't want to be near him. With further thought, Dean realised his mum hadn't hugged him or really spoken to him. It had been Sam and even Sam hadn't been so warm and chatty. Faced with the paranoid and insecure thoughts Dean give himself a mental shake. 'Cut it out Winchester! You're over thinking it. They've every right to be concerned. It's the frickin' Archangel Michael. Of course they're going to take precautions. You would do the same. Things will settle down especially when I start teasing Sammy again. Yeah, that's the way to go about it. Distract and put my head down and work the problem. Find the bad guy, and gank him. Job done!'
Dean was still mulling over things as the Impala entered the garage of the bunker. In the last remaining few miles he had made the decision to do the usual - bury his insecurities and his concerns deep and concentrate on taking out the threat. Decision made, he decided, the first thing he needed to do was to try and create a sense of normality now that they were back home. As he searched for a way to relieve the tension, he realised it had been right in front of him the whole time, as he took in his brother's newly acquired facial hair. The beard was a perfect way to lighten the mood. Without further thought, he began to chat about it. "It's just every time I think about it, it's like a nightmare. I can't eat, I can't sleep. It's always just there, watching." As always, his little brother rose to the challenge. "Dean. It's just a beard. I've been a little busy lately." Dean threw back, "well, that's not an excuse. Duck Dynasty called, it's just, they want it all back." He even produce a massive hand gesture to make his point.
The banter continued as they walked through the winding corridors towards the main library. Dean was relieved that Sam was smiling and then his face changed and Dean knew what was coming next. He stopped him with, "hey, if you're going to ask if I'm OK…" Dean closed his eyes because he couldn't face looking at the face, knowing what his brother was really thinking, and then he continued. "…you don't have to." But as usual, Sam didn't leave it there. "Alright, it's just, eh, you didn't talk a whole lot on the ride here." Dean was beginning to get tetchy. He was already angry at what had been done to him, he didn't want to sit and go over this again with Sam. Puffing out, he answered, "Look! Michael bailed. I don't know how, I don't know why. He just… he just cleared out." Whilst Dean spoke the words his mind phased out for a few seconds, as he tried to remember but couldn't. "As far as my memory goes, from the second I said yes to I walked through those doors, is blank. So I'm good." Thankfully, Dean knew they were nearing the library. It was at this stage that he could hear other people. He was hoping it was Cas and Jack. "I'm just really, really happy to be…. Home!"
As Dean uttered the word 'home' he took in the busy and crowded room, that was the base of operation. This was meant to be his home. He had been looking forward to returning to some sort of normality and immediately he was hit with strangers. His face couldn't hide his emotions and his thoughts as he watched hunters and survivors work away. 'What the ..? Oh God Sammy, you've turned our home into the British Men of Letters. Noooooo!' As he scanned from left to right, one of the survivors was making their approach and had stopped in shock. The young man looked petrified as if the enemy was right in front of him getting ready to blow him into smithereens. Sadly, Dean caught Sam in his peripheral vision and it was clear his younger brother was nervous. "Yeah!. Yip, there's been a few changes lately, so…." Dean took in the young man's posture and decided he needed to set the record straight. As non-threatening as he could make it, Dean said, "Not. Michael. Anymore." Immediately, the man's body relaxed, but the next words out of his mouth, left Dean slightly unsettled. The man had smiled and reminded Dean that the 'Chief told us.'
'Chief? Chief! What the hell Sam? I'm gone a few weeks and you're running an underground army!' Dean didn't add to his thoughts, 'where does that leave me?' He was too afraid of the answer he may receive. So he went with humour again. "Chief?!" He knew he had hit the right tone with Sam as his little brother sheepishly answered, "yeah, I asked them not to call me that but…" Thankfully for both brothers, Sam didn't get a chance to continue as Jack arrived into the room. Castiel followed after him and what followed was a cautious welcome home. Dean took in how Jack looked to Sam to check if it really was Dean. Though Jack did give Dean a hug, Dean realised that Cas had just nodded awkwardly and seemed ill at ease. Of course, Dean pushed these observations to the back of the mind and after some stilted conversation, he made his apologies and went to his room.
Relief was immediate as Dean closed the door and was safely hidden away from everyone's sympathetic but also suspicious gazes. He had been glad to leave as his guilt had resurfaced and was weighing him down. He also felt that he was out of place and in some ways he was no longer one of the gang. No. in fact, he knew that he was no longer part of the team. Equally, as he had saw their discomfort, Sam, Cas and Jack had surely felt his. Annoyed that it wasn't going to be easy to just brush everything neatly 'out of sight' or 'under the carpet', Dean suddenly felt unclean and angry again. He looked at his crisp white shirt and waistcoat and he moved quickly to take them off. He flung the garments across the room in disgust, as if to hold them further would poison him.
Dean recalled the conversation as he left for his room. Cas had enquired about how he really was doing and then had asked 'why would Michael just give up his vessel like that?' Sam's reply had sounded disheartened. Filled with self-loathing, Dean made his way over to the sink. He needed to wash Michael's presence off his skin. As he took in his reflection, he noticed a mark on his upper right arm. Curiosity, more than dread filled him, as he lifted up his white t-shirt sleeve and a large scar was revealed. 'What the hell is this? That was so not there before!' It was clear that the scar had been made by some sort of weapon and it had obviously been powerful enough to hurt Michael, as the archangel had been unable to heal his vessel. 'Something can hurt the bastard. Good, but now all I need to do is remember what it is and where it is? Oh well that should be easy!' Filled with some hope and a mission, he quickly showered and changed. As he stood in the shower, he reasoned with himself, as to his next steps. It was then that he remembered how Cas could probe deep into his mind. 'That might work! Let's find this weapon and kill the bastard!' He finished scrubbing his skin, until he had at least taken off two layers. He dressed with a renewed vision, one of revenge and absolution.
Thankfully for Dean there wasn't a huge audience. For some reason the library area had emptied and he had at least some privacy. Plumping himself in the nearest seat, he quickly showed off his newest scar to his brother and Castiel. Both looked intrigued. Dean decided to break the ice. "Well, I don't know how I got it." Dean could feel the angel pacing behind him. "Well, what could hurt Michael like that?" Before Dean could interject, Sam added, "well, whatever it was must have been strong." Dean glanced between the two and felt strange. The strange feeling of not being 'part of the gang' that he had experienced earlier had returned. For the first time ever, he felt like the 3rd wheel in the relationship. Sam and Cas stared at one another, as if having another conversation. One where he wasn't really privy to. Eager for recognition he commented, "well, eh, Cas, I'm going.. to have to… get in my head."
Dean decided he needed to cover his feelings of fear so he played the role of someone that was anxious to know what was happening. He pointed to his head to make a point and then continued, "You know, do the whole Vulcan mind melt thing, because if I can't remember what happened, I need you to drag it out of me, OK?" Dean could tell his friend was reluctant to probe into his mind. Dean wasn't sure if that was fear of hurting him or fear of seeing what Dean had done. 'Or let's be honest, he may be afraid of finding Michael lurking in the deepest darkest recess of his mind.' Ignoring his thoughts he banged the table and insisted, "Come on, hit me!"
The pain was greater than he initially thought it would be and it had all been for nothing. Other than a few flashes of Michael and a few unknown faces, it was clear from Castiel's reaction that there was no information they could use. He then moved to place his hand directly over the scar as he sensed some residual energy emanating from him. This time, they were rewarded with flashes of memory. 'A dark shadow, Michael on the ground in some wood or forest. A long and strange looking spear stabbed into his arm and Michael screaming in pain.' Within seconds the images disappeared. Cas was stunned by the memory. "Dean, who is that?" the older brother didn't want to answer. He had seen that shadow and that spear before – in the bad place, in the hands of Kaia's murderer. Dean looked down at the table and mumbled, "Sam, Somehow that Kylo Ren wanna be from the bad place has found its way to our world." It took a minute for Sam to catch on to what Dean was really saying. "What? You mean that creature that tried to feed us to a 30 foot monster? What is it doing here? No scratch that, how the hell did it get here?" Dean banged the table. "Forget all the questions Sam, we need to speak to Jody and pronto."
After that, it was really a blur for Dean. Sam called Jody and after updating the sheriff on Dean's return, Sam shared with Jody, their concerns that the thing, from the bad place, that killed Kaia, was in their world. Jody updatied them on why it couldn't be, but when Dean provided the short version of the story and explained that he had two deep gashes Jody interrupted, "sort of like somebody stabbed you with a giant meat fork?" After that revelation, Dean, Cas and Sam began to pack to got hunting.
As the mile markers flew by, Dean pressed his foot even heavier on the gas pedal. His baby was doing at least 80mph and if he could have chanced going even faster, he would have. He was unsettled. and had been ever since finding the scar. He was excited to know that he was one step closer to finding a weapon that he knew could possibly hurt or even kill the archangel. On top of everything, he felt like a right dick for what he had said to Jack before leaving on the hunt. Dean knew he had been acting more on edge than usual. He had seen it on Cas and Sam's face as he had packed the weapons at rapid speed. He couldn't help it. He needed to kill Michael. He needed to make it right. Anything to destroy these feelings of insecurity that were currently lurking at the back of his mind. He knew he had a short fuse, that's why he had went off on one at Jack earlier. 'Well done Winchester. You picked on the puppy and I'd say that's made you even more unpopular with everyone in the bunker. Well done asshole!'
"Dean…. Dean!... DEAN! Earth to Dean. Come in." Sam must have been calling his name for at least a few minutes, but Dean was so deep in his own head that he hadn't heard him. "Look Dean, I'm just gonna come out and say this. But did you have to be such a jerk to Jack earlier? He's been through so much and is trying so hard to both come to terms as to what happened to him. Never name, find a place and role for himself here. You forget Dean, that he's not even two years of age yet. He knows nothing of our world and you treated him like crap back there. I thought, given what you've just been through, you of all people would sort of relate and understand him a bit better."
'Way to go Sam, now I just know I'm 100% crap'. "OK Sam. I know I should have went easier on the kid back there. And, I'll make it up to him when I get back, but we're on a mission to find the weapon that can kill Michael and that comes above any training exercise. I know he feels bad and what's to help, but I can't focus on the task if I'm having to keep looking over my shoulder to check on a toddler! I'm sorry Sam, but that's how it's gotta be on this mission. It aint no milkrun this time. We could run into Michael and I don't want anymore blood on my hands. OK!" Sam didn't say much, he just nodded and mumbled something about 'good timing' and 'distracted by the sick girl.' Silence and acceptance without too much of a fight on this, worked well for Dean, and with that small victory he continued to press the gas pedal.
Silence reigned in the car as Dean continued to speed towards Sioux Falls. Then Sam broke the silence. "You're in a hurry?" Of all the things Dean expected, this was not it. He had half imagined that Sam would return to the debate about Jack or even worse, head towards the issue of 'Michael and Dean'. Such a general question, was a surprise, but he would take it as the silence was really giving him too much time to focus inwards. "Shouldn't I be. If you're worried about that girl, Cas has got that handled." Dean gripped the steering wheel as he spoke. It was clear that he was still uptight and as the elder brother took in his younger brother's posture, he increasingly started to believe that Sam did not want to be on this hunt, or at least he was more in favour of taking more time to think this through. Slightly peeved, that Sam seemed less committed, Dean spoke again. "Well, what's the problem?" Sam sighed and continued. "Dean, we still have no idea why Michael let you go. Or where he is now, or what he wants?"
'I knew it was too good to be true. Can we for once not over analyse our feelings. If this is why you're dragging your feet, I'll lose it. For crying out loud Sam. Michael has gone. We know there's a weapon, let's go get it, so we can kill this fucker once and for all. What's to discuss?' Of course, Dean bit his tongue and said none of this. Once again, he chose to distract with humour, rather than answer the question. "Or who his favourite Spice Girl is?" As expected Sam called him on it. "Come on man, this isn't a joke. Something huge happened, and you won't even talk about it. But the whole Michael thing – we need to deal with it!" Exasperated Dean countered, "come on! I'm literally doing 80 to deal with it. How could I be running from something if I'm literally racing towards it?" But Dean should have anticipated Sam's answer. "I don't know, it's kinda your thing!" As Dean admitted he had a point, Sam continued, "well I'm just saying, you said you let Michael in and then BANG you're back in a blink, but for ME, you were gone, for weeks I didn't know if you were alive or…. I just need you to talk to me."
During Sam's speech, Dean began to shut down and Sam noticed and decided he need to soften his message because Dean was disengaging. So, in a softer voice Sam said, "just slow down, so I can catch up." Dean didn't speak immediately. He heard what Sam was saying. He knew that Sam was trying to help in his way, but there wasn't anything to say. Dean was humiliated and ashamed. He knew what his emotions were because they screamed through his mind every second of the day. He needed to do something. He needed to correct that. He needed a win and without further thought he chose to deflect and move on. "Call Jody, and let her know, we'll soon be there." Sam got the message and stopped arguing. He called Jody and the rest of the journey was spent in an awkward silence.
In fact, for most of the hunt Sam seemed less committed. It really annoyed Dean. It started right after they met up with Jody and got the pleasantries out of the way. Sam had wanted to wait until daylight and spent most of the trek out to the target area, slowly dandering, instead of trying to get there as fast as possible. Dean's body language screamed impatience. He knew it was probably wise to slow down a bit and survey the scene before rushing in. They had not idea what they were going to face, but Dean ignored all his training and let his anger lead him by the nose. It wasn't helped by how close Jody and Sam were. Ever since they had met up, Jody had sided with Sam on most things and had walked and talked with him for most of the hunt so far. The more they interacted and the longer Dean walked, the more his insecurity started to rise. 'Did Jody trust Dean?' Once again, Dean felt he wasn't one of the team. But as always, he put his head down and focused on the objective. Everything else could be worked out after he got his weapon and killed Michael.
It was mid-morning when Dean's patience began to go. "We'd make better time if we'd split up!" He had said it without even looking around at his fellow hunters. Of course, Sam was having none of it. "Emm, Dean, we'd be safer if we stick together." Dean should have known Sam would suggest a safer approach, after all he had been overly cautious from the start. As per usual, Jody backed Sam, so Dean huffed and walked on. It wasn't too long before they came across what was clearly a warning, that only the 'Kylo Ren' wannabe could have left for everyone to find. Dean had been the first to see the three heads, which had been placed strategically on spikes at the entrance to a camp. The hunter checked the heads and realised that they had belonged to vampires. Sam asked, "Jody, do these match your vics?" Jody couldn't be sure as the bodies were John Does, but she found it hard to believe considering they had secretly tested the bodies to check if they were in fact supernatural in origin. Each test had been inconclusive. That information only fuelled Sam's belief that these were some of Michael's super monsters.
Dean continued on into the encampment. Sam was more cautious, but it didn't take a genius to work out that Michael was somehow involved. Dean chose to ignore this information, instead he wanted to focus on finding the spear. He bent down to assess how long the fire had been dead. As he looked around he had some sort of flash back and then out of nowhere the dark clothed figure lunged at him. Luckily he was able to roll out of the way quickly. The figure turned to take on both Sam and Jody. It was clear, the creature had lost none of it's lethal speed. Jody was knocked off her feet. Thankfully Dean was able to recover quickly enough to attack and rescue Jody before she was harpooned with the spear. Dean fought until he was flipped right over her back and the hood fell from her face, exposing everyone to the true identity of the creature.
Time seemed to stop for everyone. Dean took in the figure of Kaia or her alternative version from the other world. Whilst standing in shock, 'bad' Kaia managed to push him to the ground, before leaping over the camp walls. Still trying to take this new information in, Dean managed to sum it up for everyone with, "What the hell?" The discussion that followed was irrelevant to Dean. 'Yes, she does look like Kaia, but she killed the real Kaia, so let's get past this and hunt her down. We need the spear, any other questions we can ask her before we kill her!' After listening to Jody and Sam's conversation, Dean decided to take action. He turned round and barked out, "I don't know. Well let's find her and ask her!" The older Winchester picked up his weapons and went into tracking mode as he marched off, leaving a stunned and uncomfortable Sam and Jody having to chase him.
With every step he took, Dean could feel his anger and annoyance grow. He wasn't completely sure who he was angry at. With Sam and Jody lagging behind, he had no one to distract him from his thoughts, which were increasingly becoming darker. If he was truly honest with himself, he was mad at Kaia, Sam and Jody at this stage, but his greatest hatred was for himself. All this was due to him being stupid and weak and no matter what he would try and do, he was never going to be able to get over what he as Michael had done. The silence was crushing him, so he did what he had been doing since coming back, he threw himself into the mission. He would focus on finding the spear and 'bad' Kaia and getting some answers.
It didn't take long until he came across specific tracks. "Hey, what is it?" Sam and Jody had both caught up, to find Dean crouching over something on the ground. "She's got a light foot, but she's still leaving tracks." After standing up and starting to walk off, Sam shouted, "hold on, wait a second!" Irritated by Sam's reluctance to 'get on board with his plan', Dean answered, "why?" It was clear that Sam wanted to explore the facts. "Her face. You saw it too. The bruises." Dean nodded, "the vamps." Sam continued, "or, it could have been Michael. Come on there vamps in Sioux Falls and not a single civilian death. That's not an accident. I think they were hunting her." Try as Dean wanted, Sam had a point, but he wasn't ready to concede just yet. "Why?" Sam was ready with an answer. "I think Michael sent them to finish what he stated." 'Damnit Sam, forget about the whys and what ifs, we just grab the bloody weapon. I don't care at this stage or at least I don't want to care.' Dean countered, "we don't know that." Sam finished the minor argument with, "Jody tested the bodies. They're different. They're immune to dead mans blood, the same way Michael's werewolves were immune to silver."
Dean had listened enough, time for talk was over, it was time for action. Ready to ignore his brother, and fight on by himself, Dean shrugged, "doesn't change the plan." Dean stomped off and Sam was left to stand and shout his brother's name. Dean was done listening. 'For crying out loud Sam, can you just get behind me on this for once in your life. We need this spear. I need this!'
An hour or so later, it was clear that there was division within the hunting party. Dean had distanced himself from both Jody and Sam, who had taken to dragging their feet. Thankfully, his dogged determination paid off as he came upon a cabin and as luck would have it, he saw a 'Kaia shaped' shadow moving about. Without waiting for the others he decided to ambush. He hide to the side of the cabin and watched 'bad' Kaia walk out. It was as she turned that Dean hit her with the end of his rifle. It was a gamble, given how fast she was, but it worked as she fell to the ground, stunned. Looking up, he witnessed the arrival of his brother and Jody. They both looked shocked by his actions, but they didn't mention it. Without speaking he dragged her into the cabin and tied her to a chair. 'The time for answers was near.'
Jody got straight to the point with the questioning. It was clear that this version of Kaia was pissed and had no real love for them, but as she specifically glared at Dean, he knew deep down, there was contempt for him in her eyes. 'Oh good, one more person who hates me. Great!' As Dean listened to Sam ask how she got here? Kaia then turned her attention to Dean. "You mean, right here? Because of him!" With her comment directed to him, he knew he needed to speed things up. He didn't really want to find out what he, no Michael in his body, had done. "yeah, not him, not Michael anymore." Kaia just smiled at him and spoke, "I know. You're MUCH weaker." The voice and the smirked sent Dean's anger levels up. He moved closer until he was standing right in front of her. "Maybe, but you're still scared." He had hoped that would suffice, but she replied. "Not of you … of them, the monsters he sends after me. Every time I slow down, there's more. There's always more."
Try as he might, he couldn't get her words out of his head. She was right. He was weak. The fear was seeping out of every pore in his body. Her words were hard for him to hear, but her stare towards him left him feeling insecure and confused. Thankfully, real life invaded his mind as Jody shouted that they should move things on. It was obvious that the sheriff was concerned that more of those monsters were close by. She even suggested that they take her to the station. Thankfully Sam disagreed with her, but it was Dean that decided to take more direct action.
"No! We need to break her right here, right now." Dean became more animated as he got ready to torture. Unfortunately, Sam's agreement with him not moving her did not extend to supporting any rigorous interrogation. "What do you mean break her, for what?" From the look on her face, it was clear to Dean that Kaia knew only too well what he was after. So she spoke up. "He wants to know where I hid the my weapon. That's all he wants. That's what all this is all about." Dean's anger returned as he glared at her and she glared right back at him as if he was insignificant and unimportant. That was it. He lost it. He began to get rough with her. He knew he was about to cross a line, but he couldn't help it. Jody was very uncomfortable. "Dean what? You're going to hurt her, torture her?" It was at this stage that Dean lost it. "That pig stickers she's hiding is the only thing that we know that hurts Michael. I'm going to do whatever it takes!" He was done talking. He kicked the chair and watched it fly backwards and crash into the wall. He moved fast until he was leaning over her, grabbing her by the front of her clothing. "Where is it? Where's the spear?!" He was almost shouting at this stage. "WHERE IS IT!" She said nothing. Unfazed and smiling.
As Dean screamed for answers, the others watched with worry in their eyes. Kaia chose to speak up. "You're no different from him. Threats. Violence, anything to get what you want." Dean felt disgusted by her remarks. Her comments tugged at an old wound as he recalled how many years ago, Gabriel had also connected Dean to Michael, stating that they were very similar. That thought, made him physically sick. "I am NOTHING like him." He hissed his words at her and glared. She glared back in defiance and said, "yeah, you are, you always have been." He struggled to take in her words. Despair started to eat away at his inner soul. Was she right? It was starting to sink in. Maybe she was right. As if sensing his inner turmoil, she spoke more softly. "I saw what you did to her when you got angry. You shoved your gun in her face." Sam looked at Jody, trying to understand what she had said but Dean remember all to well how he had bullied the other Kaia. Like what had happened earlier to young Jack, the way he had handled Kaia back then, was NOT his finest moment. With that thought, he felt ashamed.
Deep in his shame and misery, he barely heard Kaia speak about her connection to her twin in this universe. He didn't really care. It wasn't important to the mission to know this information. 'God, I am like Michael. I don't care who I hurt as long as I achieve my goal. I am a piece of shit!' Then her voice seemed to break through. " I know where it comes from. Your anger. Your impatience. It's fear. You're scared and your weak." Dean counted with, "alright! Shut up!" But it didn't stop her from talking on. "Michael hurt you. He hurt me too." With those words, Dean began to remember what had happened.
'She had been sitting by her camp fire, when a rustle of wings brought her attention to a visitor standing with his arms folded in front of her. Using Dean's body Michael spoke. "I didn't come here to fight. Not if I don't have to. This face you know, well, I'm just borrowing it. We haven't met…." Dean saw himself walk towards Kaia. He continued, "… but, I've sensed you. Ever since I came to this world. You're like me, you bleed new energy. So does that." Dean saw his body shift to point towards the spear. "I'm here to make you an offer. There's a war coming and I'm building an army. You can join my side. The winning side, if you give me that spear. Or you can fight. Definitely lose, probably die, and then I'll just take it. So wild one, what's it gonna be?" Michael moved really close and they began to fight. Michael moved like he was dancing. His style of fighting was so different from Deans it was frightening and beautiful to watch at the same time. Michael began to punch.'
"STOP!" Dean shouted out. He couldn't stand to see how the memory ended. Kaia sensed his fear. "You remember now." Dean returned to the memory.
'Michael kept hitting her, but despite the punches, she managed to side swipe him and he lost his balance and landed on his back. Kaia did not waste time as she raised the spear and plunged it into his right arm. Michael screamed in pain.'
Though Dean relived the memory, Kaia had missed no detail out as she retold it to them all. Sam was the first to speak. "So Michael wants the spear, because he knows it can hurt him. So that's why his monsters are coming after you. Dean!" Unfortunately, Dean was still trying to come to terms with what he had remembered, when Sam shouted to him, that they needed to get out of there fast. Sadly, it was at that moment that werewolves arrived. It was too late to make a run for it as Michael's super charged werewolves entered the cabin and had everyone cornered.
The fight that ensued wasn't really much of a fight. The hunters were so outclassed by the sheer strength of the monsters in front of them. It was clear when Dean was thrown to the ground and pinned, that if he didn't think of something fast, they were all dead. Thankfully, he had managed to retrieve his gun, but the werewolf had pushed his arm to the side. That was perfect as Dean knew the bullet would be put to better use. He fired straight at the chair and Kaia was easily able to escape from the ropes. But instead of joining the fight, Kaia jumped through the glass window, seemingly in retreat. Dean's momentary hope was dashed as the wolf spat out, "slippery one isn't she." It was following with mocking laughter. 'Just typical. Treated as damaged and out of control by Sam. Distrusted by others. Saw as weak by Kaia and now viewed as pathetic and a joke. My day just keeps getting shittier and shittier.'
As Dean struggled for survival, he heard a scream coming from Jody and he just knew the sheriff had received yet another hunting injury. 'Just one more thing that's your fault Winchester!' Luckily for everyone, Dean's calculated risk of releasing Kaia paid off as she appeared and took out Michael's monsters in the style that any 'Bruce Lee Move' would have been proud off.
As everyone started to pick themselves up off the floor, Kaia justified her return. All three sets of hunter eyes were on Kaia and in particular the spear. Sam spoke up. "you know, as long as you have that spear, you're going to be a target , for Michael, those monsters, they're going to keep chasing you." Unphased, Kaia looked at Dean in particular and answered, "I'm used to it." With that remark, Kaia turned and walked out of the cabin and away from them.
The walk back to civilisation had been sombre. Jody wheezed in pain as her broken arm throbbed with pain. Sam was silent and Dean could catch sideway glances at him on a number of occasions. As for Dean, he was gutted. He relived the events of the hunt and realised that it was hopeless. It had all been for nothing. Yes, they knew the weapon existed. He knew that Michael could be wounded. But there actions had not brought them any closer to finding and killing the archangel. Dean felt powerless and filled with regret as he realised how reckless he had been with everyone.
It had been a hard farewell, as Jody left them. In fact, the awkward silence that once again filled the impala was starting to grind Dean down. For the first hour or so of the journey back, Dean had rolled through his actions. As he weighed up the pros and cons from the hunt, he came away feeling he had made things worse. Before the hunt, he had felt really bad, but now he felt much worse. It was clear that he was reckless and not to be trusted. So many negative emotions flowed through his mind, all threatening to destroy him, if he let them. His guilt was made worse as he overheard Sam speaking cryptically to Cas on the phone. He learned that Cas was going to take Jack out hunting and was packing to leave. 'Fantastic, the kid and Cas want nothing to do with me. I can understand. I was a complete jerk and I wouldn't want to be anywhere near me at the minute.' Dean continued to concentrate on driving as Sam hung up and relayed just some of the message back to Dean. The older Winchester thought about asking Sam to expand on the information, but changed his mind.
The uncomfortable silence continued until Dean felt he needed to get some of his thoughts of his chest. "I put us all in danger today. Stupid danger!" Sam tried to alleviate some of Dean's guilt, that was inevitably about to come. "Dean, you were right." But Dean cut him off. "I didn't want to look at it, for what Michael used me for. I just wanted to race ahead, skip to the end of the story to the part where I get the weapon and take out the bad guy. The part where I KILL Michael." Sam nodded and said he knew, but once Dean had decided to open up, he was adamant he would finish this. "You know I said yes to him, because I thought… It was stupid… I was stupid." Sam couldn't bear to hear this. "Dean, you did what you had to do." Dean seemed to pause, but it wasn't because of what Sam had said, it was more about what he needed to share next. ".. and it wasn't a blink. Being possessed. I make it sound like that, but it wasn't. I don't remember most of what Michael did, with me because I was under water… drowning and that, I remember. I felt every second of it. Clawing, fighting for air. I thought I could make it out, but I, I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough. And now he's gone, and he's out there, putting an army of monsters together and he's hurting people. And it's all on me, man. I said yes. It's my fault."
After Dean bore his soul to Sam the familiar silence descended. The older hunter had thought he would feel better for sharing his thoughts and feelings, instead the old insecurities returned. Guilt, anger, self-loathing and despair returned, but there was a new emotion and this one scared him, more than the others. He felt alone. It was true that his brother had been close to tears when he confessed his feelings, but he couldn't forget the looks of mistrust that had passed by Sam, Jody, Jack, Cas, Mary, Bobby never name all the other hunters he had come across in the bunker. He felt that no one trusted him and with his thoughts and in the silence the scars from the possession would take much longer to heal than the physical one that currently sat for all to see on his right arm.
