Will has never been very good with words or expressing how he feels. But Sonny never cared. He could just look Will in the eyes and read his soul. That's one of the things that he loved most about Sonny. He knew Will better than he knew myself. And that's possibly what he misses most. Sonny always saw the best in Will, even when Will couldn't. He made Will a better person. Less selfish. Sonny is the most selfless guy he knew. And he taught Will how to love himself by how Sonny loved him.
Will decided to sit down and write his feelings out. Not for anyone to see, but for Will to sort through everything that is going through his head.
My life never really began until Sonny walked in. He made me realize just what I have been missing. He stuck by me through everything, I have never experienced that before. He gave me a sense of unconditional love. A love that made me realize how lonely my life was up to that point. Being with him made me feel things I didn't think was possible. I never felt more alive than when I was in his arms. The love I could see in his eyes let me know that the feeling was mutual. He is the most amazing person with the most amazing heart. I realize now how lucky I am that he was in my life. And that he chose to love me back. He chose me. He could've had anyone, but he chose me. How does someone that amazing choose someone like me?
But I ruined it. I ended us before we even started. The thing is, I did everything because of him. I was so scared of losing the best thing that ever happened to me. That I held on too tight and I let everything slip through my fingers. I know I don't deserve him. He deserves so much better than me. And I proved to him why he shouldn't love me. And now I know he doesn't anymore. I have no one else to blame but myself.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I cry myself to sleep every night. And every morning I reach out for him only to realize he is not next to me. He will never be next to me again. And that is something I have to learn to live with, I guess. Unless by some miracle the love of my life decides to forgive me. Even though, I know I don't deserve it. He should be with someone like Brian. Someone that can love him and won't hurt him, like I always inevitably do.
The searing pain I felt when I saw them together is something I have never felt before. Then hearing they had sex. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on repeatedly. I was jealous that he was able to comfort Sonny when I couldn't. I hated that I pushed Sonny into another man's arms. And it killed me that Sonny could find comfort in another man. I felt like I meant nothing to him. He could move to another man's bed so easily and not even think of me. Not even look back on what we had.
My heart is still in shatters. And I don't know how to pick up the pieces. Sonny always helped with that. He is my best friend. How am I supposed to navigate my life without him next to me? He has been my rock for the last year.
But I need to pick the pieces up and move forward. My daughter will be here before I know it. As much as I want Sonny by my side through it all, I have to accept that he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to be a part of mine or my daughter's future. As much as that thought alone kills me, I have to move forward. I will never stop loving Sonny. I will never stop wanting him by my side. But that's not what he wants anymore. He doesn't want to be in my life anymore. He doesn't love me anymore. And I have to accept that I have to face my daunting future alone. Without the one person who I want by my side. Without the one person I have truly loved with every part of me. Without the one person that completes me. I have to face it alone. I brought this on myself and I don't blame him for hating me. I would hate me if I were him.
All I know is I can never stop loving Sonny. He is a part of me. He carries my heart with him everywhere he goes. And I feel like a shell of a person without him. I feel empty and incomplete without him. I can only hope someday he can forgive me for all the pain I have caused him. And maybe, one day, he will understand that I did this all for him. That I loved him enough that I was willing to let a felon raise my child. That I was willing to sacrifice everything for him. His love has made me selfless. His love has changed me forever. I will never find another love like that for as long as I live. And I will forever live with the regret that I let this amazing man slip through my fingers. No one will ever be able to replace him in my heart. My love for Sonny is forever. Nothing can ever change that.
Will puts his pen down. Tears stain the paper he is writing on. He looks up from his seat in the coffeehouse. He has the perfect view of Sonny from here. Looking at him makes his heart break a little bit more. He stuffs the papers into his coat pocket and gets up to leave. Will doesn't realize that the paper never makes it in his pocket. It falls to the floor, by the chair he was sitting at.
Sonny sees Will walk out of the coffeehouse rubbing his eyes. He must be crying again. Knowing this tears at Sonny's heart. But he still can't forget all that has transpired in the last month. He notices a wadded up piece of paper next to the chair Will was sitting at. Sonny contemplates going over to see what Will left behind. Will had been writing with ferocity, Sonny wanted to know what could have inspired so much passion.
Sonny picks the piece of paper up off the floor and uncrumpled it. He sees his name on the page. He fights the urge to throw it away. He takes it back to his office and decides to sit down to read it.
The first line catches Sonny off guard. His eyes scan the words. Each sentence knocking the wind out of him a little bit more. He never knew this was how Will felt. But again, he never asked. Sonny can feel the tears streaming down his face. He is having trouble catching his breath. The last words feel like a knife to his heart.
My love for Sonny is forever. Nothing can ever change that.
Those words ring in Sonny's ear. He never let himself give in to the pain of losing Will until now. He stands up to go lock the door to his office. Then crumbles to the floor. His body shaking with sobs. Finally letting himself feel it. Finally allowing himself to truly miss Will. Finally allowing himself to feel his love for Will consume him.
"What have I done?" Sonny whispers to himself, sobbing on the floor.
