Disclaimer: CSI is not mine. Only the character of Kim is.
Plot Summary: Greg is suffering from depression after the death of his wife. Can his friends at the crime lab get their Greggo back? They hope to by reliving the memories of life when Kim was alive so as to remind Gregwhy life is worth living.
Many that live deserve death. And some die that deserve life…Even the wise cannot see all ends. J. R. R. Tolkien
Today I cannot help the morose thoughts from running rampant through my head. I've been sitting at the window for the last hour. First I watched that man walk free knowing he is guilty but unable to do anything since the rain washed away the evidence against him. That murderer got lucky that night.
Luck has left my life.
A sad little smirk adorns my weary features as that same cursed rain begins to fall before my eyes.
I can't help but think of her in anger on days like these. I'm angry at her, at God, at me, at life, at death, at everything. After working especially bad cases I can't help but feel an intense hatred of the criminals I have to deal with, and so I hate all the fore mentioned that I am angry at.
The people that are put away because they have unmercifully taken an innocent life enrage and sicken me and I can't help but mope because life is not fair. I see the unremorseful bastards only sorry that they are caught, some cocky little runts not even sorry about that because they are proud – they think they were clever or strong because they beat upon another person and managed to end their life. I'm angry that they are able to live and play a twisted game of God, deciding who cannot live. God himself is cruel enough. He is twisted enough.
I'm angry and I cannot understand. How can people like that sick man live while my own angel dies?
I hate God for taking her away from me.
I hate her for leaving me.
I hate that death is such a prominent part of life.
I hate life and everything for going on regardless of my pain.
I hate me for feeling like this because I love her.
And she loved life.
And I loved life with her.
And all of this would upset her and I hated to see her upset.
So I still hate me, hate what I am like now.
I finally get up now and see Sara and Nick still haven't left the room. Sara looks like she's ready to cry and I wonder what I've missed while I've been so busy being angry. She forces a smile while Nick looks at me desolately. Her smile falters and the tears finally come. I'm completely at a loss. Nick wraps an arm around Sara's shoulders as she struggles to compose herself and speaks like he's soothing a baby.
"G, we're really worried about you man. We miss her too …but… we're living on with her in our hearts. You gotta do the same. You can't stay like this, in black clothes and a black mood. You've fallen apart and it's time you got yourself together. It's been over a year..."
"I know how long it's been!"
I know how long has passed since she was lead to rest, since I last held her, last kissed her, last heard her voice, her laugh, last felt her warm breath on my neck, her fingers through my hair, her soft body close to mine, her lips against mine.
It's been too long.
And yet not long enough. How can they dismiss her so easily? She's the love of my life, and I thought they saw her as a great friend. Did she really mean so little to them? How dare he say I have to live on in any other way that how I am? Its bad enough I have to at all without her.
I still wear black because I'm still grieving, because I still feel the pain like it was only yesterday. I have lost my angel, how can they expect me to just 'live on' as if nothing has happened, as if everything is fine. It is not.
They are both staring at me now. I can see pity in their eyes. I hate that. I don't want pity. I want her.
Sara has taken my hand now. Her touch is gentle but firm, like Kim's, and I long to feel that spark and flutter I always feel when Kim touches me. But I feel nothing but that longing.
They've lead me to Catherine's office. Since the team were reunited and moved to days Cath is no longer a supervisor but as Grissom's second in command she's kept her larger office. Grissom and Warrick are here with her now, signing off on paper work on their last case. They look at me with the same pity and concern as I'm pushed to sit.
Sara's still focusing on not crying so again it is Nick's voice I hear. But the words don't register. The others are all talking to Nick but I can't make out what is being said. The floor has captured the attention of my eyes. My mind is only on Kim.
Cool fingers graze under my chin and tilt my head up. Catherine smiles at me. Automatically I force a smile back. It causes Nick and Warrick to flinch and Sara to cry again. I used to think they liked my smile. I usually made them smile too. Kim said she loved my smile.
Catherine's finger strokes my cheek now.
"Oh Greg. You're getting worse. When you said you wanted to work again we thought it would help you deal and get you back from depression. But it hasn't. I think you need to talk to someone. You can't go on like this."
Finally someone has got it, got how I feel each night as I lie alone in our bed crying myself to sleep. I can't go on like this, without her, missing her so much it physically hurts.
I always talked to Kim about everything and anything. Well, I always talked a lot anyway, to everyone and anyone, but not since I haven't been able to talk to Kim. There's been nothing I've felt like saying, be it appropriate or inappropriate. It never bothered me which it was before, I'd just talk. Now I say the bare minimum. I prefer to relish in the silence. It's then I can hear the ghost of her voice. It's so faint I fear I'll lose that memory of that sound if I don't listen to it often enough.
I used to prefer the sounds of life. Only a few precious moments of silence were all that I enjoyed. Like the calm silence of the night when I would lie awake listening to Kim breathing, watching her in a beautiful sleep. She was always beautiful to me, but never more so than when I held her in my arms so close at night.
Now I hate the sounds of life because she's not hearing them too, not living anymore. She didn't deserve to die. She was so full of life. Now the silence keeps her memory close to me. But that's still not close enough. It doesn't really help. It doesn't make it better, but it's the only thing I have, as desperate an attempt as it is to keep Kim with me.
I watch the tear drops hitting the floor and slowly realise they are falling from my eyes. It's a strange realisation as I feel suddenly exposed. I've only cried in bed at night. Never like this.
With each drop I'm losing it all. The last sacred link to Kim is falling away. Now I don't even have my crying in the silent dark to have her close. How sad is that. That's all I had, and it's nothing. The tears are falling more violently now and then the torrent stops.
I wipe my eyes and look back up to my friends and suddenly feel utterly alone, like nothing I've ever felt before. She's gone. I thought I felt bad before, but now I feel nothing and its worse.
Catherine is smiling. Does she enjoy seeing other people cast adrift, suffering so badly each breath that keeps them alive hurts like hell and taunts them because it is doing just that - keeping them alive.
"That's a start Greg. None of us have seen you cry and grieve openly that way. We let you try and cope your own way. But you have to admit it hasn't worked. Let us help now. Talk to us Greg."
"I don't have anything to talk about. I don't have anything. I lost everything when I lost Kim."
I look at them, expecting to see sad expressions as I've just voiced my truest feelings that are the source of this depression. Instead they are all smiling. I've never realised they all enjoyed seeing people cast adrift…..
Grissom's voice breaks my train of thought. And I see them all taking a seat. They've set up a circle of chairs. They want a group therapy session?
Yes they do. Grissom speaks again.
"Greg? I said that's what we want to talk about. Kim. We'll talk about Kim."
I nod, surprising myself. I don't know if I can do this. I think about Kim all the time. But to put those thoughts into words and share those with people, even my closest friends – I just don't know if I can do it.
"What do you want me to say?"
I am fearful of the answer they will give. But they want to hear anything I want to say.
What do I want to say? I can't share with them our intimate moments. But every moment was so special and meaningful to me it was intimate. Would they understand that everything was so special, just being with her was special. Every moment was a lovely moment because I love her. They know that though. They won't accept that as all I have to say.
I sigh, and suddenly I feel no apprehension anymore. Since crying in front of them I've felt I've lost her again – totally this time. So maybe I do need to tell every moment I can think of and put words to, to get her back.
"Then I'll start at the beginning I guess. That first day I met Kim…"
TBC
