written by Phoenix.
I do not own Legolas or any of the characters from LOTR. I make no material profit from this. I despise having to write this because nobody reads it anyway and I only write it so no headcase can sue me but since headcases are usually in asylums they can't read it so why the hell do I still write these stupid disclaimers?! Can somebody please help me?
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Today Gimli called me a treehugger. I told him that calling me a member of Parliament was hardly insulting (though I was lying. I am sure that I would be very insulted if somebody likened me to an MP). He replied that a treehugger was not an MP, but someone who hugs trees. I said to him that I didn't hug trees and that he was stupid, and I knew that - I was just teasing him. He got angry then and said he wasn't stupid; but I was, and only MPs would be attracted to me anyway and that was only because they couldn't get it anywhere else. I also got angry and answered that plenty of people were attracted to me, thank you very much, and that he could speak for himself. Gimli scowled and raised his axe, probably to hit me with, but at that point, Aragorn stopped us. I shall eat him later.
A treehugger. I assure you, I am not a treehugger. I have never hugged a tree in my entire life. Once I did see a willow, and I had a nice chat to it. It didn't reply but I think it may have had a sore throat that day, the poor thing. It waved at me though, so I know it liked me. Trees are good companions, unlike some people I could mention.
Oh, and once I kissed an oak. It was only a little peck. And it was perfectly reasonable - you see, I bumped into the oak by accident, after a certain dwarf pushed me for a 'hilarious joke'. So, of course, I kissed the oak better, to make up for it. I tried to make Gimli kiss it too, but he wouldn't, he just said something about me being mad, and how I was too close to trees. Well, what's wrong with liking trees? They're living things!
I sometimes wrap trees up for the night so they won't get cold. And I give them showers. And read them books. And matchmake for them. They is nothing abnormal about that. Lots of other people do it. Like … like … the … well … well, I won't bother naming them. Names aren't important, but the fact remains that I'm not the only one.
So there. Gimli was totally unjustified in calling me a treehugger. No evidence whatsoever. And I told him this. He simply grunted. Obviously he could not outwit me or go against my rock-solid argument. Rock-solid. Just like his head.
Treehuggers. Hugging a tree. What a silly thing to do.
