Feel It All
By Polexia Aphrodite
Rating: M
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any characters portrayed in the story below.
Notes: This takes place after Eclipse, partly because, after hearing about the plot, I'm not reading Breaking Dawn, so it's AU.
I told myself I wouldn't write this, for so many reasons. But I did it anyway because I can't help myself. Let me know if you like it, I've got more.
***
Spring
*
Jacob opened his eyes fractionally, only enough to see the grey swath of daylight that shone through his window and bounced off the faux-wood paneling of his bedroom wall, filling the cramped room with reflected light. Too bright he thought dimly Must be almost noon already. He burrowed his face into his pillow, tightening his arms around the sleeping woman next to him until she groaned in irritation as she, too, emerged from sleep.
"Five more minutes," Bella murmured, her voice thick and sleepy.
"C'mon," he sighed, rolling himself off of her and poking bare back gently, "It's late already. You should take a shower."
She turned to face him. Her face was partially obscured by the dark, sleep-tangled mess of her hair, but Jacob could still make out her withering glower.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
He lied on his back, eyes closed, his face absent of expression.
"You haven't showered since you got here. I can still smell him on you."
*
Charlie had picked her up from SeaTac the day before and driven her across the Olympic Peninsula to Forks, where she'd enjoyed a hero's welcome. It was her third visit back from New Hampshire, from Dartmouth, in the last six months, but the close-knit community welcomed her back with undiminished enthusiasm. Jacob had offered to pick her up, of course, undeterred by the prospect of the seven-hour round-trip drive as long as half of the drive could be spent packed into his tiny Volkswagen with her.
Much to Jacob's chagrin, Chief Swan had been only to happy to shuttle his daughter back to Forks, but, after the party had died down, Jacob had driven her to La Push. He thought the fact that he had only pulled over twice to hold her and feel her arms around him showed remarkable restraint.
He had no idea how Bella had, three times, managed to elude the Cullens' watchful gaze long enough to escape to Washington, but he found he couldn't be bothered to care much, as long as she kept coming back.
***
Autumn
*
On her first trip back, a welcome party had congregated at Chief Swan's home and Jacob had been there. Her inner conflict had been apparent as she struggled not to look at him, to focus instead on her father and mother as they begged her for stories from her new life on the East Coast. He had left quietly after a half an hour.
He had returned to La Push, sitting numbly on the rocky beach until the bright autumn sky darkened into evening. Later, long after Billy had gone to bed, Jacob had heard the rumble of Bella's ancient Ford as it clambered to a stop on the darkened, gravel drive.
He had met her on his porch. Her arms flung around his shoulders, and they stood together in silence, neither knowing how to express the heartache they felt. Bella hadn't said anything as she pulled his face towards her, pressing her lips against his. Her sudden audacity shocked him, but the surge of anger and frustration that rose in his chest somehow only made his arms close around her waist more tightly and his lips press against her skin more fervently.
She was in his bed minutes later. They were almost silent. An eavesdropper could only have heard the soft click as the buttons of Bella's shirt hit the hard floor, the wooshing noise of bed sheets being pushed aside, and the muffled, fast, desperate breaths of the pair as they touched, felt, and joined for the first time.
She was gone before he woke, and he felt an instant pang of regret that he couldn't have met the day with her warm and close.
*
She stayed in Forks for three days on her first trip back, and every night she spent in La Push.
"So you're not changed yet?" Jacob had asked in the dark, early hours one morning. They lay next to each other in his bed, covered by his soft comforter, though she was the only one chilled by the night air. He had cringed instantly at the inanity of his obvious question, but she had only smiled.
"Not yet," her eyes met his and the sadness in her expression made him pull her closer, "But soon."
His fingers spread wide against her narrow back, warming her to the core.
"I don't understand why this is happening," he admitted after a long silence, "I thought you wanted to be changed. I thought you wanted him."
She sighed against his chest. Her hand trailed down the side of his waist, her palms finally pressing against the slight curve of his narrow hips, making him shudder uncontrollably.
"There have been…complications. I don't know what I want anymore."
It was an answer that was good enough for him. Good enough for now.
***
Winter
*
3Bella returned again for Christmas, and Jacob had driven through snow and sleet to bring her to La Push.
When they pulled up to Billy's house, he hadn't helped her out of his car, hadn't held her hand as they walked up the ice-coated walkway to the house. He didn't want to be Edward Cullen. He didn't want to treat her like she was made of glass. Edward Cullen's Bella was fragile, malleable, and weak, always in need of protection, whether she knew it or not. But Jacob Black's Bella was stronger, surer of herself, and she could (and did) walk across icy paths on her own. As they reached the porch, she grinned up at him, her nose and cheeks were red, pinched by the cold. She hadn't slipped once.
She stayed for a week that time. She never brought up her new, absent husband. Instead, Jacob found her his constant companion. They spent long hours acting as if the Cullens had never come to Forks, as if Edward had never existed. Bella found herself compelled to be near him. He wasn't her replacement sun any more; he had become the only sun she knew.
On her last night, she had come to La Push, as she had every night of the previous week. She had made love to him eagerly and adventurously. The longer she stayed in Forks, it seemed, the bolder she became. Afterward, as he lay breathless beside her, he hadn't been able to stop himself from asking the one question that had poisoned his mind since the first night he had taken her into his bed.
"Why do you want this with me?" his voice was low. Her eyes met his, her brow furrowed, but he continued, "Why don't you want this with him?"
She paused, looking away. When she finally spoke, her voice was quiet. "I do. I did. I don't know. I wanted to experience this (she waved her hand between them) as a human first. And we tried—"
"You what?" He couldn't help interrupting her; he felt the hair on the back of his neck bristle unconsciously. Jacob leaned to brush her bare shoulder with his hand, "He could have killed you, Bells."
Her tone soured, "But he didn't." Bella's expression contorted suddenly, and she pulled her hands up to cover her face, inadvertently knocking Jacob's hand away. He stayed still for a long moment, until he finally heard her shuddering sob, muffled by her hands.
He didn't pull her to him, but instead shifted closer to her. "What happened?"
Her voice was thick with emotion. Had it not been for his preternatural hearing, he would not have been able to make out her barely-audible tones.
"It was awful. It was so cold. And it couldn't help but hurt me, and then he never wanted to try again."
Jacob stiffened slightly, measuring his breaths carefully.
"So," he began tentatively, "you came to me to get the human experience you wanted?"
Her hands fell away from her face and she looked at him in horror. "No!" she nearly shouted, before lowering her voice self-consciously, thinking of Billy asleep across the hallway. "I thought that's what it was in the beginning – what it was going to be, I mean. But after it happened, it wasn't about that at all," an unreleased sob tightened her throat, "Why else would I keep coming back? Why else would I keep putting off changing? You treat me like you understand me, like you're not afraid of me."
"You know it would be different after you changed, though."
She laughed coldly. "Different, yes," she sighed and leaned into his chest, "I never knew how much I wanted to be human until last fall."
Jacob felt his throat clench with emotion. "Stay here, Bells. Don't go back."
Bella shrugged, even though she knew he would see through her attempt at nonchalance. "We're married now. And he still loves me."
He stopped himself before asking if she still loved Edward. He knew she would say "yes."
"So do I," he murmured, burying his face in her dark hair and closing his arms around her.
He looked down at her. Her half-dry eyes filled with new tears.
She pressed her lips to his, beginning a kiss that deepened slowly, with aching intensity. She pulled back briefly and shifted. Her breath was hot by his ear; her voice was husky but weak.
"I wish I could say it back."
Jacob smiled and brought his hands to frame her face, "You don't have to."
Her reciprocating smile didn't touch her eyes, but her hands ran across his shoulders and her mouth met his. Jacob shifted, his hands tracing her waist, her hips, as he lowered himself, placing his mouth between her legs. She stifled a groan, her fingers woven in his long, dark hair. He had developed an affinity for this, particular act, which had initially mortified her before she came to revel in the obscene pleasure it aroused.
As her breathing grew faster and more frantic, he shifted again, moving to hover above her. Her leg wound around his hips in a silent demand and, in another second, he was inside her. Bella gasped and tightened her grip on him as he lowered a hand to touch her where their bodies met. Her hands grasped his lower back and hips, pulling him into her more deeply. Moments later, she sighed as her climax sent waves of relief through her shuddering body. He followed her into ecstasy soon after, his body leaning over hers limply.
It was always like that between them. So simple, natural, easy. Bella knew that her love for Edward was extraordinary, ethereal and unreal; a dream come to life. But she also couldn't escape the realization, made even more apparent in the moments after their coupling when her entire body hummed with awareness, that Jacob was fast becoming her true touchstone. It was alongside Jacob that she had achieved physical awakening. Her sexual self, once a source of embarrassment, now roared to life.
He leaned up on his elbows, placing his hand over her chest, his eyes bored into hers.
"Will this still be beating next time I see you?"
His voice was soft and serious. Bella could only nod and pull him to press against her in the dark. The warm, skin-to-skin contact made her sigh in satisfaction. I knew there was more she thought as she drifted into sated, dreamless sleep, I knew it.
*
Twenty-four hours later, she was back in New Hampshire, surrounded by the supernaturally beautiful Cullens.
Edward never left her side. His hand hovered at the small of her back as he walked her into the new Cullen residence, a Victorian manse that had been recently refurbished, courtesy of Alice's foretold investments.
Edward carried her suitcase to her room, despite Bella's protestations. Alone with him in the high-ceilinged, airy room, she wondered if his heightened senses could intuit anything about how she had spent the last week.
He pulled her to him, flashing a lopsided grin before pressing his cool lips to her forehead, cheek, neck, and mouth. He moved to sit on her bed, lounging back on her pillows and gesturing for her to join him, which she did, obediently as always.
Bella couldn't help the pang of desire that rocked through her. In two trips to Forks, she had transformed and, though it had been Jacob who had inspired her, she longed to experience the same feeling with the man to whom she was legally bound.
She reached up, her hand brushing his face. His irises were inky black. He had missed her.
"Tell me about Forks," he said brightly, catching her hand in his and holding it still.
"Edward," she began, her recent trip had injected confidence into her like a drug, "Please." To punctuate her demand, she moved to straddle his hips. Part of her knew that it would be too much for him, that his protective instinct would overpower him, but she felt half-wild with need to experience with him what she had with Jacob. Her mind was flooded with one thought: This has to happen now.
Bella ran her hands under his thin T-shirt, purposefully ignoring the cold, hard skin of his stomach and repressing the compulsion to compare it to Jacob's warm, muscled flesh.
He removed her hands and pushed her gently away from him in one, fluid gesture. Neither of them said anything. Bella felt herself crumple with disappointment and despair. But she fought valiantly against it, settling herself next to him, prompting him to fill her in on what she had missed in New Hampshire and waiting for sleep to claim her.
***
Spring
*
"You haven't showered since I got here. I can still smell him on you."
She rolled her eyes.
"You didn't seem to think I smelled that bad last night," she teased.
He smiled; his eyes were closed. She moved her feet over the edge of the bed to stand, but he grabbed her arm before she could move away. He sat up, pulling her against him, kissing her deeply. Leaning back, he looked down at her face. His nose wrinkled.
"I guess I can deal with it if I have to."
She shoved his shoulder (being careful not to shove hard enough to hurt herself), a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth as she sauntered towards the Blacks' shower.
Billy had left early that morning to fish with Charlie, leaving the house empty and quiet. Jacob pulled a pair of worn, black sweats over his hips and meandered into the kitchen, pulling a half-full box of cereal down from the top of the refrigerator. He could hear the hiss of water pumping through the house's aged pipes and, after a moment, he could hear the quiet trickle and splashes of water as Bella began her shower.
It was then that the phone rang, an innocuous, routine sound that gave no indication of the message that it heralded.
"Hello?" Jacob chirped. The impersonal technology of phone lines dampened his animal-like intuition and he could not sense the dread he should have felt.
"Hello, Jacob," came smooth reply that sent Jacob's stomach plummeting, "Is Bella there?"
He ran a hand through his hair, forcing calm into his voice.
"She's, er, she's in the bathroom."
Water continued to flush through the plumbing and Jacob quietly hoped it wouldn't be audible over the phone.
"Let her know I called," Edward's tone was infuriatingly serene, "We're in town."
For a moment, Bella was forgotten as Jacob's mind shifted to his role as an authority of the pack.
"How many of you?" he demanded, his voice was low and wary.
"All of us."
Jacob hung up then, his hand trembling. The water shut off. A moment later, Bella turned the corner, filling the small kitchen with her presence. She approached him slowly as he leaned against the avocado-green Formica counter. She was clad only in a blue towel; her bare shoulders were speckled with water droplets. She smiled, her expression was open, the physical badge of her new self. Her arms wrapped around his waist, her damp hair brushed his chin.
"Smell better?" she asked. Her fingers traced his spine.
He couldn't trust himself to say anything but the truth to her, and the truth was that her husband had come for her. So he said nothing.
She wasn't intimidated by his silence and brought her hands to the front of the flimsy, elastic waistband of his sweats, tugging gently and nuzzling her face against his collarbone, her lips finding purchase on the olive skin there.
They could both see the way the next moments should have gone so clearly in their minds. Jacob should have lifted her in an easy gesture to sit on the counter. He should have kissed her neck as she moved the fabric of his pants aside, leading him into her. The room should have echoed with her gasps as he moved within her, his hands on her breasts.
But he could stay silent no longer. He caught her hands at his waist, forcing them to her sides as he moved away.
"He's here. In Forks, I mean. They're all back."
Her lips parted in shock. Her heart seemed to stop beating.
"Did you know they were coming?" his voice was almost accusatory.
Her reply was no more than a whisper, "No."
He cleared his throat noisily, trying to cough away the lump that grew there.
"Get dressed. I'll drive you back."
***
Within fifteen minutes, Jacob, Bella, and Bella's overnight bag (which had been packed to sustain her for a week's worth of nights) rumbled down the one-ten highway. They sat in silence. Only when she was nearly sure that the road distracted him did Bella glance at her companion. Jacob's jaw was set, his face still as stone as he stared through the rain-smeared windshield. She reached to touch his arm, but he shrugged her away.
"He'll already smell me on you enough," he had said. His reasoning was infallible.
They made as far as the border of the Reservation when Edward's Volvo emerged from the mist.
Jacob's car creaked to a stop, but Bella made no immediate movement.
"Do you want me to go with you?" he asked.
She turned to look at him, but he was staring across the invisible border, at Edward.
"It's okay."
Her heart felt as shattered as it had on the day she had been forced to choose Edward over Jacob. She could have cried, vomited, screamed, or cursed, but the act of reliving the aching, tortuous choice she had made on that day shocked her into numbness. Her options were even fewer now. The thought made her remember her initial reluctance to marry with bitter hindsight. She turned to grab her bag from the backseat.
He turned to her then, his eyes were desperate, searching.
"He won't hurt you? He wont—I mean, you won't let him…"
"No. Not yet."
She pulled her bag into her lap, reaching for the car door handle.
He stopped her with a hand on hers, below the dashboard, out of sight.
The possibility that this could easily be their last moment together struck them both at the same time, a realization that seemed to suck the oxygen from the tiny car. Breathing became labored, their heads swam and every experience they had shared seemed distilled into the comparatively chaste connection between Jacob's hand and Bella's arm.
Neither could speak. Panic rose in Bella's chest.
"I love you," Jacob spoke quickly, needing to say it before the moment was gone, "You know that?"
She couldn't breathe. She nodded, her eyes filling with tears as she left him, running through the rain toward Edward.
