Alright guys, this is my first ever fic so if I'm lame, I apologise in advance.
Let me warn you about a few things. The story will start with individual chapters. I want you guys to go deep into Clarke's and Lexa's minds to understand how they are feeling after all they did in Mt. Weather. I think it's important that you know how they feel so, stay with me, hopefully it will be worthy.
I know it says on the description but it's always good to remind that we will have some graphic descriptions of torture and violence so, if you don't feel comfortable with it, I suggest you skip the chapters where this will happen.
I'm once-upon-a-sasss on tumblr, feel free to add me! :)
Also, thank you very much to all my beautiful beta readers. You are the best!
Let me know what you think!


Chapter 1 - Why do I hurt?

Clarke

The cold wind on her skin was not helping to wash away the tsunami of thoughts inside her head. So much had happened, so many people left, so many people died.

Of one thing, she was certain: she did what she thought it was best for her people, she saved as many as she could. She knew that as true but she couldn't stop remembering how many lives she took. She never thought she would be able to do that, to take lives, to choose who lives and who dies. She never wanted that, it was too much. She has changed so much since the first time she stepped out the dropship and felt the earth breeze on her face. It was like only yesterday, she remembered being mesmerised by the first sight of Earth. The sun on her face, nature, animals, so many new things, new experience. She knew that was home as soon as she stepped outside and felt the air.
But now she feels like even the breeze has changed. She knows she can't change the past but she can try and make more of her future. She just doesn't know how.

It has been five days since she left Camp Jaha not knowing where to go. Five days of solitude, of having nothing but the sound of animals and trees around her. On the first days, she enjoyed the peace and quiet after so much noise, so much screaming, so much pain. But after five days of wandering around in the woods, the loneliness started to hit her harder than she was expecting.

She could, however, deal well with the fact of being on her own. The forest did not scare her. Not anymore. She knew there were no grounders around and even if there were, they were not a threat. At least not to her. Grounders. The very word caused a sharp pain she could feel from the tip of her toe to the top of her head. She wondered why this pain was there. It didn't make sense, she thought. After all, the Commander was trying to protect her people, to do the right thing for the grounders. After all that happened inside Mt Weather, she finally understood what Lexa did. What happened to herself at that time, made her understand. She did what she though to be a horrible thing, to save her friends. She hurt so many people in the process, things she never thought she would do, for her people. She understood why Lexa left and she knew that if the situation was reversed, she would have done the same thing. She kept repeating this over and over inside her head because she knew that was the truth but she still felt the pain when she thought about the grounders. She could see Lexa's face every time she closed her eyes and she could hear her saying "May we meet again." every time the wind stopped and the trees fell in silence. It was confusing and exhausting. It made no sense to Clarke why the image of the grounder Commander was always inside her head.

This was actually the main reason why her solitude was starting to become a problem. Not the very fact that she was alone, but the fact that she didn't have peace of mind. She couldn't stop dreaming about it or thinking about it. Every single night she set camp and went to sleep, her slumber was disrupted by Lexa's voice, her last words of goodbye before she turned around without looking back.

I do care, Clarke. She couldn't shake of her face, she couldn't let it go.

"Goddamnit..." she mumbled to herself as she turned on the bed made of leaves and twigs.

She stared at the starry sky and sighed deeply asking herself why Lexa's decision bothered her so much, why it was haunting her if she knew the Commander was only protecting her people. So many thoughts floated inside her head. She knew that Lexa was right, she would have done the same. She agreed, she understood but still, the image of the Grounder leader walking off kept her from sleeping at night. Everything was so confusing, she felt exhausted, completely drained. Her body was lacking of sleep and her mind was never at ease. She needed a break but she knew she couldn't have one. Not yet.

Since sleeping didn't seem to be an option, the blonde decided to carry on walking. She knew it shouldn't be long before sunrise and she could get some good miles without the uncomfortable heat from the sun. She looked at the east and saw the first rays of light piercing through the night sky.

"Six days..." She said to herself as she carried on walking.

After a few hours, she came across a stream where she decided to wash and fill up her canteen. The water was nice and cold and she felt invigorated after she washed her face.

Despite the relief the fresh water brought, she felt weirdly uneasy for some reason. Like something was not quite right. she wondered if her sleepless mind was starting to play games with her. She looked around but didn't see anything suspicious and decided that there is not much she could do at that moment. She continued washing herself in the stream for a while longer and gathered her things to carry on the journey always looking around to make sure there was no one there.
Once again, she walked pointlessly for hours and hours, having no idea where she was going. The sun was starting to set when she heard a noise coming from her left. She drew her gun and quickly turned around expecting to see something or someone by her side. But when she turned, she saw nothing. Clarke was sure she heard a sound, it was a twig breaking, as if someone was trying to follow her but was careless.

"Show yourself!" She shouted. She heard some birds flying off as she spoke. "I know you're there. I heard you walking!" She tried once more but no one replied.

The blond put away her gun still searching between trees and decided to walk a little further before setting camp for the night. She built a bed with some large leaves and twigs and used her jacket as cover. Luckily, the temperature didn't drop too much at night so she could sleep - or try to, without feeling too cold. She lit up a little fire next to her bed and curled herself to try and sleep.


The wind was strong and she felt extremely warm. She was sweating. Looking around, she saw fire everywhere. She was surrounded by it.
"Clarke!"
She heard a voice calling her name. Looking away, she saw Lexa still wearing her war gear and make up. The Commander still had her face covered in blood and dirt. Her green eyes were empty.
"Lexa! What is this place, what are we doing here?"
"I'm sorry Clarke. I wish there was another way."
"Another way for what? What are you talking about?"
"If the situation was different..."
"No, Lexa. I understand you. I know why you left. And you were right, I would have done the same if I had the chance to save my people."
"Why do you still feel pain then? Why do you hurt, Clarke?"
Clarke could hear a loud explosion and the flames were even closer to them. She couldn't bear the heat, it was making her sick, it was making her dizzy.
"I don't know, Lexa. Why do I?"
Another explosion made the ground shake almost knocking Clarke from her feet. The flames were upon her now and she could barely see Lexa's face as the Grounder Leader started to walk away.
"Lexa! Wait!"
"I'm sorry, Clarke. May we meet again."
"No, wait! Not again! Answer me! Why do I hurt? Lexa!"
The Commander was already out of sight when one last explosion rocketed Clarke's body off the floor. She felt her head go extremely light and empty. She wondered if she was dying. She closed her eyes as her body flew through the air but the sensation didn't last long. She felt herself diving down fast and opened her eyes to see that the ground was getting closer and closer. She closed her eyes once more right before her body hit the floor.