That's How We Survive
A Twilight Soap Opera
by Lady of Dreams2701
For the love of Twilight...
A/N: Just what every love story needs: a "good" soap opera based off of it. Well, I was partly inspired by the movie, too. With a possibly dreadful attempt of humor I give you this *cough* masterpiece. I mean no harm to Twilight nor its original author. Speaking of Twilight, I do not own the series nor the movie.
Present
At the beginning of the scene, Bella is sitting in the Cullen's living room, flipping through an old photo book while the Cullens do... whatever it is that they do... and Edward... plays the piano. Suddenly she lifts up her head, gazing dramatically out the back wall that is actually a window, as she recalls how she came to Forks....
Flashback
"Woe is me," Bella said to herself. "I will not cry..." she whispered, as a tear rolled down her cheek anyway as she gazed lovingly at the desert right next to her house while hugging a cactus plant to her chest. Why on Earth she wanted to take a damn cactus with her, rather then, say, a few pictures of one, is beyond me. I suppose the author had her reasons when she set out on this mission.
"All set, Bella?" Phil asked, flashing a grin, and a cliched ray of sunlight bounced off of his teeth.
"Yes," Bella replied, wiping the tear off her cheek as she climbed into the car, and they drove off to the airport. All the while, she gazed miserably and dramatically out the window.
"Oh, Bella," Her mother said reaching out her arms so that they could share a loving and incredibly melodramatic parting hug. "I will miss you so mu- OW!"
Bella pulled away, shrugging her shoulders sheepishly while continuing to cling to her cactus plant.
"Uhm, Bella, do you think you could put that down for, like, two seconds?"
"No!" Bella said, turning her back on her mother while protecting her cactus plant. But she turns too fast so that she falls down. She stands up, blushing.
"Well, kid, I'm gonna' miss you, and I don't think I'll ever forget about you nor the found memories we shared." Phil said, Renee under his arm as she looked sadly at her daughter. "See you whenever, Stella." He said beating on her back so that she stumbles forward, the cactus plant stabbing into her flat chest.
Bella screamed, and falls to the floor dramatically. "I need to go to a hospital!"
"Now, now, Bella," Renee said, looking frantic. "I'm sure it's not really all that bad..."
*Blood soaks through Bella's shirt as she desperately searches for her cell phone to call an ambulance."
"Oops, that's your plane, sorry!" Phil said, picking Bella up and tossing her towards the gate. Bella proceeds to stumble onto the plane.
There is a pause, in which Renee and Phil clutch to each other, gazing soulfully at the back of the girl who was currently walking up the ramp, falling, picking herself back up, and falling again.
Thirty minutes later, she makes it onto the plane, and Renee speaks as tears pour down her face.
"Do you think she'll live?"
Phil smiles, the ghost of a soulful expression lingering. "I think she might just manage not to tumble out of her shower in the morning and break her head open on the tile. Maybe. I think she'll meet an incredibly gorgeus century old man who looks like he's seventeen and sparkles in the sunlight."
Renee glances up at Phil, tears still streaming down her cheeks. "Do you think so Phil? Do you think she'll be happy?"
Phil smiles down at her lovingly. "She will. Until, of course, he leaves her in the sequel. But he'll be back so we shouldn't worry."
The two exchange a passionate kiss and exit the stage- I mean, airport- with there arms around each other's waists.
*Cut to black*
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*And now, For the love of Twilight, we return to That's How We Survive*
When the plane arrived in Port Angeles, Bella stood up too fast, fell forward into the back of somebody's chair, blushed, reached for her carry-on that fell on her head, causing her to fall on the floor, blushed, got up, picked up her bag, and began to make her way off the plane and down the ramp to the gate. Charlie was reading a newspaper when he heard the loud tumbling of a relatively slender girl attempting, and failing, to make her way towards him. Charlie rises dramatically, tossing the paper into someones face, and spreads out his arms as his daughter rushes forward, falls, rushes forward some more only to fall again, and eventually reach his arms. The two share an intimate, Hollywood-generated-and-therefore-entirely-unrealistic moment.
"Oh, father, how I've missed you!" Bella cried, stepping backwards.
"What the- is that a fucking cactus?" Charlie said, pulling needles out of his chest.
"I'm so happy to see you!"
"What?" Charlie said looking up. "Oh, yeah, right..."
Charlie pulls himself together, and then opens his eyes and beams at his daughter, back on track.
"My beautiful daughter!" He said, his eyes glistening with tears at the sight of her.
The two share a soulful, Soap-Opera-esque gaze, and then Charlie says,
"C'mon, daughter, let's go home."
The two proceed to link arms, and together they attempt to skip but wind up stumbling, falling, blushing, stumbling, and falling again straight into the sunset.
Present
Bella sighed dramatically before calling in an unnecessarily loud voice considering the person she was calling was both in the same room and had super-hearing and could therefore have heard her whisper from outside in the woods.
"Edddddddwwwwwwaaaarrrrrrdddddd!"
"Yes, Bella, love?" Edward said, standing up. As he did so the sunlight shone through the window causing his skin to sparkle whilst, simoltaneously, a random breeze swept through his hair.
He proceeds to make his way to Bella's side, hold her hands in his own, and gaze lovingly into her chocolate brown eyes.
"I want to go to La Push to see Jaaaaacccccooooobbbbbb!" She whined.
Edward stands suddenly, turning his back on her to gaze at the opposite wall in anguish. "I can't let you do that, Bella."
"But I want to!" Bella said, standing up to stamp her foot.
"It's too dangerous," he said in a pained voice while he continued to look away from her.
"Then let's have sssssssseexxxxxxxxxx-uhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
"That's even more dangerous."
"I don't care!"
"I do..." Edward whispered, "I could never live with myself if I- if I ever hurt you."
"You are such a downer!"
"Bella, please!" Edward cried, reaching out to grab her arm as she began to leave the house.
She turned dramatically. "Let me go!"
And with that she proceeds to sweep out of the house. Until, of course, she falls on her face. She stands up, blushing, and exits through the front door, slamming it behind her.
Edward sobs tearlessly, his face in his hands as he mulls over the pain in his heart.
"She'll be back, Edward," Alice whispered.
Edward turned towards her with a hopeful expression.
"Did you have a vision?"
Alice stares into his overly hopeful eyes for a moment before theatrically whipping her head to the side, and replying,
"Nah, she just left her cactus here."
Edward groans loudly, falling to the floor in his anguish. Alice kicks him in the groin, causing him to yell in pain, and runs away snickering.
*Scene changes to Bella, driving off in her "faithful" truck, Old Rusty*
*Tears stream down her cheeks as Bella drives away from the Cullens' house. While "driving", Bella runs over a basketball, through a mailbox, into an old woman, and through the garage door. She leaps out, and runs inside. Miraculously, she doesn't fall.*
Charlie glances up as Bella storms into the room.
"So... you gonna' call Jacob?"
Bella stares at Charlie blankly for a moment. Then, suddenly, she bursts into tears, and falls to her knees, you guessed it, dramatically.
Charlie watches Bella sob hysterically for fifteen minutes with a slightly bemused expression on his face.
When Bella finally stands up, sniffling, he says awkwardly, "So... is that a yes?"
Bella picks up a ladle and chucks it as his head before running upstairs to throw herself onto her bed, crying.
"Bella," a familiar voice said from next to the window. Bella lifts her head and gasps as a shocked expression fills her face.
*Cut to black*
Next time on, That's How We Survive...
Who is Bella's mystery guest?
Where is she/he from?
What's she/he doing in her bedroom?
Will Bella see Jacob?
Will Old Rusty cheat on her?
Find out next time on, That's How We Survive,
For the love of Twilight...
