TITLE: Lovesick (Chapter 1)
AUTHOR: rcruz

Disclaimer: If I owned them, things would look a lot different. The characters, settings, established histories, and general Grey's Anatomy universe referenced in this work are properties of their respective owners. This is a work of fiction for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: This is another AU story. It's AU in that Erica never left. (It's not mentioned or relevant to this story, but the whole Erica finding out about Stephens stealing her patient's heart did not happen. I can't imagine a scenario where Erica Hahn would have stayed on at Seattle Grace once she found out about the heart stealing, so any story of mine that has her still at Seattle Grace assumes Erica does not know about that or that it didn't happen in that way.) The story is written entirely (or almost entirely) from Callie's perspective. Callie is not my favorite Grey's character, but she is certainly one of the more perplexing and complex characters. Lots of angst for Callie in this.

Chapter 1

Callie was at the nurse's station making a few notations for nurses and interns on her latest patient. She was on automatic with only half her mind processing the meds she was prescribing, taking into account drug interactions, timetables and other factors.

The other half of her mind was focused on herself. She felt pretty today. Her hair was nice and bouncy, her make-up had gone on just right; scrubs were comfy and clean, and her lab coat was crisp and white. Arizona Robbins had kissed her last night. Dr. Robbins, a hot and sexy peds surgeon had kissed her and gushed and told her she would get over being upset. Callie had been close to the bottom of the proverbial barrel last night, teetering on unsteady feet, staring at glass after glass of scotch, waiting to fall over and scrape the very bottom. She had known that and in a last ditch effort to save herself she sought refuge in the bathroom. She could not take Little Grey's insensitive giddiness over Mark. She could not take someone's else's happiness right then, but Arizona Robbins had come in and seen the mess she was and told her people liked her - people liked her a lot.

The kiss that followed was sweet and surprising. It stirred something in Callie. It was as if that kiss was much needed air and the Callie that was drowning had been resuscitated. The Callie that knew she was hot and a bad-ass and worth loving surfaced and gulped air in big heavy gasps. So this morning she felt pretty and fresh and hot. Arizona Robbins was right. She would get over being upset. She didn't know what that would look like yet, but she was bad-ass, cage-fighter Callie and she would get her groove back.

Charts done, she turned her mind's workings to the other thing occupying her thoughts for most of the day. She was about to ask out a woman. It was a big step, her big step in getting over being upset, in moving on after being dumped by Erica. She felt good; it felt right to be moving on. She was feeling so good and so confident that she was surprised to feel that sinking sensation return as she left the surgical floor. She thought the peds surgeon had chased that away, but it came back full force as soon as she saw her. Erica. Callie was walking away from the surgical floor and across the bridge on her way to peds. Erica was walking in the other direction and all the progress Callie thought she had made was swept away in a moment. She felt the progress fade as uneasiness emerged in her like a snake uncoiling and getting ready to strike. She let out an uneven breath and felt her stomach lurch, the snake taking a bite out of her. She stopped in the middle of the bridge wondering if Erica would look at her, acknowledge that Callie was even alive, but Erica's head remained bent and her eyes stayed on the paper she was reading as she passed Callie like she would a stranger on the street.

Callie turned her head as Erica passed and watched her make her way to the main surgical floor. Erica's steps never faltered, not a twitch or even an unsteady sway could be detected in her demeanor. After a few seconds, Callie turned away and focused on what she had been about to do. She could do nothing about Erica now. Erica had left her. She she didn't want to ride out Callie's gay panic with her and thought it best they just stay away from each other. Callie had made mistakes, plenty of them, but she apologized for each and every one and she felt she had paid for them. Sleeping with Mark in some misguided attempt to figure out what was going on with her was wrong. She had already acknowledged that to Erica. She had begged and pleaded and when it was clear she was not going to be forgiven, she had lived in self-imposed exile talking to no one for weeks, except Mark and Christina, once Christina put two and two together and made her spill her guts. Callie had been punishing herself and wallowing in self-pity for too long. Erica was not coming back to her; they would not be getting back together.

She had been trying to accept that and after Arizona Robbins kissed her in the bathroom at Joe's, she thought maybe she could. She looked ahead of her, put one step in front of the other and soon she was across the bridge. She needed to move on. She forced herself to keep walking to peds, queued up the kiss from last night in her head as encouragement and tried hanging on to that. She was pretty. She was hot. She was Callie Torres.

By the time she made it to peds and spotted Dr. Robbins, the nervousness she felt about what she was about to embark on settled in her stomach and mixed with the already percolating queasiness she felt about what she was leaving behind. The combination was not good. She thought she was going to be sick. And so the image she had of herself casually sauntering up to Arizona and just asking her out never came to fruition. Instead Arizona saw her blanched face turning various shades of green and helped her into a seat. She gave her club soda to settle her stomach and made her lie down.

And as Callie lay there feeling foolish and silly, but enjoying the pampering, she found her strength again and despite the nausea, she still felt pretty and so she asked and after some awkwardly cute hesitations, Arizona said yes.


They had dinner at a nice Persian restaurant and Arizona was pretty, bubbly, nice and could not seem to stop gushing. She was sweet and polite and interested in Callie. She listened so intently it scared Callie and made her a little hesitant. It felt like sitting across from her high school English teacher who liked scrutinizing every word her students uttered. Suddenly Callie was hyper cognizant of how many times she said 'yeah' or 'gonna' or how liberally she just smashed words together.

But it was still nice. Arizona had great kid stories and did goofy things like shred a napkin into a thousand pieces because she was nervous. They took a walk in a nearby park and continued the easy chatter between them. Callie was comfortable. She was really comfortable with her. She didn't flinch when Arizona threaded her arm through hers. She returned every smile. She hesitated slightly when Arizona intertwined their hands as they approached Callie's car, but then let the action go feeling no threat or anything from it.

Or anything?

She didn't feel anything. She could have been holding her sister's hand.

When Arizona leaned in to kiss her at the end of the night, Callie let her, but she still didn't feel anything. When Arizona made a move to deepen the kiss, Callie pulled back. Arizona just smiled. She put her small arms around Callie and hugged her, repeating the words she had spoken at the onset of everything in that dirty dingy bathroom.

"You will get over it and when you do, they'll be people lining up."

Callie drove her home and then made her own way back to the apartment she shared with Christina. She got out of her dress, put an old t-shirt on and lay on her side of the bed fingering the pillow on the other side in silent contemplation until weary eyes closed.


The next day was miraculous. Erica Hahn said hi to her. She was standing at the nurse's station once again making notes for interns and nurses when a body bumped into hers. It was light, a hand absently clicking a pen bumping into Callie's side while the body it was attached to was distracted by the chart held in the other hand. The light touch caused Callie to look up straight into astonished blue eyes. She was surprised when Erica held her gaze and spoke.

"Hi"

"Hey," she responded readily as she continued staring into those brilliantly shaded blue eyes, saw them go a little misty and then turn away.

She hung on to that interaction for the rest of the day.

The following day was even more miraculous. Erica said 'Hello' and this time there was no accidental bump. Callie was sipping coffee in the lounge when Erica walked in for a cup. She walked in and stopped upon seeing Callie, her hand remaining on the door as if unsure if she wanted to enter. Callie looked up. She was so happy to see her that she couldn't suppress the smile that came naturally to her face. She said "Hey" remembering they had been able to do that the day before.

"Hello," said Erica.

Erica seemed to hesitate in the doorway some more, before letting out a sigh and entering the room. She made coffee hurriedly, but not fast enough that she was out before Mark walked into the room loud and boisterous. Callie was momentarily distracted by his presence. In the seconds it took for Callie to turn his way and acknowledge him, Erica disappeared from the lounge.

But the days got better. The next day she actually got an "Are you okay?"

Mr. I-Punch-People-In-My-Sleep had hit her hard on the nose as she was trying to calm him and she ended up on the floor of the Pit bleeding. Mark had taken care of her and listened to her whine about how everything bad in the world was happening to her; how her girlfriend had left her after she had figured everything out and how she didn't seem to be moving past the upset. He kindly put her under anesthetic and when she woke, it was Erica at her bedside that she saw. At first she thought it was the drugs bringing her this vision, but when the vision spoke, it was with Erica's voice.

"Are you okay?" she asked and Callie saw the concern in her eyes and heard it in her voice and it was better than the drugs Mark had given her.

She nodded and tried to smile, but it hurt and then she felt Erica's hand squeeze hers. She couldn't keep her eyes open though and by the time she woke again hours later, it was Bailey giving her a pep talk and Erica was gone.

The next day she got another question which led to a short conversation.

"How are you feeling?"

Callie was eating a salad at a small table in the cafeteria. She stood up at the sound of the voice.

"Good," she said trying to hurriedly swallow.

"Any pain?" asked Erica holding her container of salad.

"A little, but mostly feeling okay. Do you wanna sit?" asked Callie tentatively.

"No, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Take care," she said and walked out of the cafeteria.

Callie watched her exit and her gaze remained fixed on the cafeteria doors long after Erica had disappeared through them.

"If you're able to have a conversation with her, it means you're starting to move on."

"What?" asked Callie turning toward the person who was suddenly standing next to her. "Arizona!" she exclaimed.

"Hello Calliope. I heard about the little incident. Bummer. It looks good though. Dr. Sloan did a good job fixing you up."

"Yeah, thanks. Do you wanna sit down?"

Arizona smiled. "I would love to."

The lunch was just like their dinner, except that Callie was somewhat distracted thinking back to the last few days and her and Erica's interactions and how Callie was not getting over the upset and how maybe she didn't want to. She heard bits and pieces of Arizona's peds stories, saw her do that thing with the napkin again and smiled. It was really cute.


Her interactions with Erica continued to progress until they were actually conversational with each other. It was never long, never detailed, never personal, but the conversations were something and Callie hung on to the something with everything she had. It was an uphill climb, but she was making progress up the mountain. Climbing mountains, however, is fraught with unseen dangers and setbacks. She hadn't expected the avalanche that hit her and almost took her feet out from under her, sending her plunging back to the bottom of the mountain in a rush of snow and muck and ice cold pain.

It happened at Joe's and everyone was there. Everyone had some sorrows they wanted to drown in that night. The trauma had been brutal. They had done their jobs, but it was one of those days when you're trying to get up a hill covered in sleek ice. Patient after patient was wheeled in and patient after patient died. It was heartbreaking and awful and reminded you that there were things that were not fixable. Callie was too familiar with things that were unfixable, but lately she had begun to believe that some things only seemed unfixable at first glance. If you took the time, some of those unfixables could be fixed. Today had messed with that belief and the scotch only reminded her of all the things in her life that were not yet fixed. Like Erica. She felt herself breaking again and sought the bathroom once more as a temporary refuge.

And just like last time, Arizona followed and this time she didn't offer any words of wisdom or solace. She saw the tears in Callie's eyes and engulfed her in a hug whispering words of comfort. Callie was grateful. Despite the fact that Arizona wasn't the right shape, she wasn't tall enough, her arms weren't long enough or strong enough, she let Arizona hold her because it felt good to be held.

"Thank you," she said and pulled back wiping tears with crumpled pieces of toilet paper.

She was so mired in the drama in her head, thinking back to the hug and who she had wanted hugging her at that moment, that she missed the look in Arizona's eyes. She didn't see it and had no warning that lips were coming her way until they were almost on top of her. She put her hands on Arizona's chest and pushed her back.

"Don't do that," she said softly as she heard the bathroom door swing.

She and Arizona both looked in the direction of the door but the person was already gone. Callie turned her attention back to Arizona.

"I don't want to mislead you. I'm not ready for this. I thought I was, but I'm not so you can't kiss me like that. We can be friends if you want, but right now I'm a mess and I don't know what I want, so I can't do the kissing thing."

Arizona sighed. "Okay," she said and smiled. "I'll be here Calliope as your friend and if you want more, I'll be here when you're ready for that too."

"Thank you," said Callie beyond relieved.

When she walked out of the bathroom a few minutes later and sat at her usual place at the bar, Mark was there with Lexie attached to him like a limpet.

"I thought you and Hahn were being civil to each other?"

"We are," she said as she signaled Joe for a beer. It was time to put a hold on the scotch. Mixing drinks was no good either, but she needed to be drinking something.

"I thought you might have had words. She flew out of that bathroom like a bat outta hell."

The sentence penetrated Callie's brain slowly as it created the movie reel that would play in her head for the next few nights: Erica walking into the bathroom to see another woman kissing her. She put her head down and bile rose up in her. She turned green again and raced to the bathroom.


She thought she would need to start from scratch after the incident at Joe's. She thought she would need to shake the snow out of her boots and start the uphill climb at the bottom. But after two days of not seeing her at all, when she finally laid eyes on Erica and boldly said "Hi," Erica said it back.

It was softer, Erica's tone, and for long moments nothing else was forthcoming. Callie had approached the small table where Erica was eating her lunch, charts spread all around her. When Erica responded with her own "Hi," Callie took it as a good sign and sat down.

"How's the nose?" asked Erica finally looking up at her.

Callie smiled and told her it was as good as new.

"So…" said Erica as she started gathering her things.

"So," responded Callie.

"You're seeing someone."

"No, I'm not. Arizona is a new friend who got a little carried away."

Erica laughed bitterly. "Do you get involved with all your friends?"

Callie closed her eyes. They hadn't done this. They hadn't done the angry, bitter part when they broke up, but a part of her felt that she deserved this anger, so she sat intent on letting Erica have her say.

Erica got up. "I'm sorry Callie. That was unfair. I just want you to be happy."

She didn't wait for Callie to respond. She finished gathering her things and left the table.

Callie wanted to be sick again.


Coming in Chapter 2 – Callie meets some folks that remind her of a certain cardio surgeon.