Chapter One: The beginning.
My name is Anastasia Steele, I'm a secret want-to-be writer with a passion to write down all my daily events at the end of every day. This is my life's story about how I became the woman I am today. I hope you all learn from my mistakes and also learn from my experiences.
"I am sure it is everyone's experience, as it has been mine, that any discovery we make about ourselves or the meaning of life is never, like a scientific discovery, a coming upon something entirely new and unsuspected; it is rather, the coming to conscious recognition of something, which we really knew all the time but, because we were unwilling to formulate it correctly, we did not hitherto know we knew."
- W.H Auden.
My journal began when I was a little girl, my mother gave it to me on my seventh birthday stating "You should always learn from your mistakes and also from your experiences my dear Ana." Ever since that day I have written down every insignificant detail in my life to do just that, learn.
My childhood was a good one, although slightly broken. My mother has moved from husband to husband trying to replace the one man she truly loved, my father. When I was 10 years old she moved onto husband number 3, Ray Steele. They seemed truly happy when they were together, although it was somewhat brief, Ray ended up adopting me and when their relationship fell apart as it always seemed to, that's when I decided to stay with Ray as he alone offered something my mother could not, security. Many people throughout the years have questioned if I missed my mother and honestly I have missed her, but a simple phone call reminds me why I decided to stay with Ray so long ago.
When I was in middle school I met a young girl called Kathrine Kavanagh, we quickly became best friends unable to be separated even though our families and lives are vastly different. I'll explain, Kate grew up in a huge household with both parents madly in love together, she and her brother had everything they ever wanted given to them at every whim, tantrum or request, however I loved living with Ray, we lived in a small house working for every cent to our names, while I never went without, I worked damn hard to get everything I wanted or needed. Regardless, we became close friends.
I think Kate believed that her brother Ethan and I would eventually become an item since we always were around one another and to a point I thought we would too. Ethan was always a lively character, blonde like his sister with bright blue eyes which were gorgeous but lacked something I can never quite put my finger on and yet there were events which took place, which made our union impossible, I'll explain from the beginning of course.
Kate Kavanagh is a formidable woman, she has legs that go for miles as one might say, I remember the night that our lives changed forever. Kate and I were 21 years old, in our second year of college when we decided to venture out a carefree night on the town. I remember Kate was in her element, dancing the night away. I was sitting at the bar having a few drinks myself, watching her ensuring she didn't fall over or hurt herself. That's when I noticed a man trying to dance with her, she kept trying to move away and he kept persisting.
I took it upon myself to intervene at this point, I grabbed Kate's hand and began to drag her towards the bar, after she walked in front of me I kept myself between her and this unknown man. I thought that was the end of him, I thought he would of taken the hint. It wasn't much longer after that, that Kate started to get sleepy. Thinking nothing of it I helped her outside the bar trying to hail a cab.
The unknown man was back, he had a warm smile plastered upon his face... He seemed to genuinely want to help. He picked Kate up in his arms and was carrying her, although he headed down an alley rather than the main street. I remember how confused I was, why was he taking her that way? I remember running after him, telling him to stop, pleading with him to leave her alone. But most of all, I remember my blood running cold as I saw the black van come into view. No, please dear god no, don't let this be it!
As my blood went cold, my limbs stopped moving, my voice was unable to come to the surface. He opened the door to the van, threw Kate in and then he turned to me, my eyes were wide staring at him, his gaze was nothing but predatory. I was rooted to the spot as he stalked towards me. The last thing I saw was his fist heading towards me.
I woke in the hospital a week later, I was covered in bruises and Kate was beside me covered in many of the same bruises. I remember the hot tears pouring down my face when I remembered how I didn't do anything to save her... It still haunts me to this day. Yet, there's one good thing that came out of my experience, and that is Eleanora, my golden haired blue eyed girl.
"Mum, Mum, Mum!" I hear chanting coming from outside my room and a smile comes to my lips, my darling Eleanora is awake.
"Ella darling, Mumma may not be awake just yet. How about we go get you showered and dressed?" I hear Kate try and persuade my darling daughter, and I knew that she'd be looking up at Kate with her big blue orbs and pouting slightly.
"But I want Mumma!" I hear the whine in her voice, I instinctively get out of bed and put my dressing gown on.
"I know baby girl. Come, we'll get dressed and mumma will be out in a moment, I promise!" The pitter patter of feet ran away from my door, I can't hide the smile from my lips. I doubt I could of made it this far without my best friend.
I went into my ensuite and began my morning routine, showering, getting dressed then shoving my hair into a messy bun. Rocking my tracksuit pants and tank top I walk outside my bedroom to see my bundle of joy sitting at the breakfast counter with Kate standing behind her beginning to put her hair into pony-tails.
"Hello baby girl." I look towards my angel, my safety net and I smile warmly. Heading towards the cupboard I pull out a bowl for Eleanora. "Breakfast baby?"
"Yes Mumma, Puweeze." My little angel always had issues with pronunciation. Although the occasional mix up is just too adorable.
"It's please Ella, say it for me." I look right into her eyes, bringing my motherly tone into my words.
"Pleeeeease." Every ounce of sweetness oozing from her soul. I look up at Kate who's trying not to giggle.
"Good." I mutter, grabbing her cereal I pour her favourite cereal into the bowl. Coco Puffs, full of sugar maybe but delicious none the less. Ella ate with a hearty appetite full of energy already, maybe sugar wasn't such a good idea. After Kate had finished her hair she quickly ran into the bathroom to begin her morning routine as well.
It wasn't long until everyone was dressed and ready to venture out into the big wide world. "Ana Banana, what are you doing today?" Kate quizzes me over the kitchen counter, her blue eyes full of questions.
"Well if the ever inquisitive Miss Kavanagh must know, I'm going to be going to class and hopefully getting some study in for my degree. Something you too should be studying for my dear." I raise my eyebrow as I look at her, Ella gracefully unaware that my best friend her aunty has something she wants from me.
"Oh Ana, of course you are. Is there any chance you'll be in the business district of town?" She flutters her eye lashes at me.
"Potentially. Why?"
"Can you go to the Grey building? There's a café in the lobby and I need to know what kind of activity occurs in there... You know, seeing what kind of things I need to focus on for my interview with him."
"I'll enquire, but I can only be there from 10 to 3. I've got to pick little one up from day care." She bursts into a massive grin, almost leaping for joy.
"Of course Ana, don't forget to take your laptop! Write down everything that happens! Love you Ana & Ella!" She races out the door to make it to work on time. Ella and I both stare at Kate leaving, a small smile on each other's face.
"Well little one... are you ready to start the day?" I turn to my piggy tailed angel.
"Yes mumma. Can we stop at the bakery on the way to school?"
"No darling, maybe on the way back home though." I help her down from her chair, and hand in hand we left our house ready to start our new adventure.
The first time today I look down at Ella and notice she's wearing a bright pink dress with white polka dots with bright ballet flats, she looks picturesque. As we walk towards the elevator I notice a young man waiting beside it. "Going down?" He turns to me, green eyes glowing.
"Please." I nod, after that fateful night I don't trust strangers.
"I wanna press the button!" Ella screams out, running to press the button before the man could.
"Ella Steele! You apologize right now for being so rude!" I chastise her, those bright blue eyes I normally crumble underneath were wide with what I could only assume was shock She turned to the man beside us, tears brimming in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry mister." Her bottom lip has popped out.
"All is forgiven young one." I knelt down and gave her a small smile, then looked up at me through his long thick lashes. "Do you mind if I enquire as to how old this young one is?"
"I'm three mister." Ella beamed up at him.
"Please, call me William little one." He reached out to touch her, and I instinctively grabbed Ella's shoulders and pulled her back to me.
"Thank you for the forgiveness William, however we must be on our way." I grabbed Ella's hand and went towards the stairs never looking back.
It was only a five minute walk to Ella's day care centre, the minute we went around the corner Ella started getting excited almost jumping with joy the same as Kate. I smiled brightly at my little angel. Once she was dropped off at the centre I started my walk towards Grey Industries. The things one must do for friendship.
As I walk my mind wanders again to the fateful day when I awoke in the hospital. Even as Kate and I were covered in bruises we couldn't tell anyone what happened to us, simply for the fact we had no recollection of the events before hand. We were so sore we could barely move, the tears were burning down my face, leaving a trail of small stings in it's wake.
When we were finally released from the hospital I remember being so glad, I nearly ran from my hospital room when I'd heard the news. Our lives were going to return back to normal. Kates parents drove us from the hospital to our apartment, they resided in the spare bedroom for a month at that time to ensure we were fully healed before they left. To which I was so grateful for, it allowed us freedom whilst offering security. It was perfect at that time.
I remember the nausea when it hit me, I was sitting in my class when I felt the movement in my stomach. I shot up from my seat and nearly fell over everyone in my row at the time. Hand to my mouth I bolted to the closest bathroom, barely making it to the toilet in time. I purged my stomach of whatever was plaguing me. It wasn't terribly classy or lady-like. Kate was behind me soon after holding my hair back as I lurched forward.
"Ana... Have you ever been on birth control?" Kate whispered. I paled as I thought about the reasons she would ask me such a thing. I couldn't speak at that point, I turned to look at her and minutely shake my head. "Shit Ana... I think we need to go to the store." No, No, No! It can't be true, please dear god don't let it be true!
I don't remember the trip to the shops, I don't even remember going back to our apartment. I do remember the agonizing wait while we waited for the stick to tell us the result. I was lying on the couch with my head in a pillow, Kate was rubbing my back, small sobs were beginning to flow through my body. "Ana." Kate whispers. "It's time." She hands me the stick face down so we can't see the answer, I roll over so I face her my hand shakes as I accept the stick from her, the stick which is going to decide my livelihood. "Do you want me to check for you?" More whispers.
"No." Slowly I turn the stick over and focus on the notification window... My hands shake, my limbs go cold and hard at the same time, I drop the tiny stick. Kate's face looks alarmed, she reaches for my future on the floor.
"Shit... It's positive."
My life was planned out before me, I had the chance to be anyone I wanted to be, to be anything I wanted to be.. Although, in a way I'm glad my life turned out the way it is now, I have a beautiful daughter who is the light of my life. I learnt from my experience... I accepted my fate to be a mother this early on.
