Clary turned in her sleep as the dreams of her with Jace seemed to shift to nightmares of harder times.
"Mom? Where are you?" Clary yelled, her voice echoing throughout the apartment. She heard a growl behind her and turned to see a-a monster. She stared for a moment and it lunged. Everything went black.
...
Clary looked as the dirt moved about the ground. All she could think of was Simon. Momentarily she forgot everyone else, she let Izzy, Rapheal, and even Jace fall from her mind. All she knew is that Simon was trying to get out and he needed help. Her help.
She ran forward to help him. She thought that she heard the others calling out for her to stop, to come back. She couldn't, not when Simon needed her help.
She collapsed onto her knees and started pulling up clumps of dirt and grass. She vaguely noted the blood on her hands. All of sudden he was out. Simon was out. She whispered his name and his head snapped towards her. His face was pale streaked with dry blood and dirt. She reached out for him, but he didn't look like Simon. He looked like an animal.
Without a moment of hesitation, he lunged. She tried to fight him off, but his grip was like iron. Simon looked at her, but he didn't see her. He saw the blood that rose into her face from the cold. He saw the pulse that was pounding in her neck. He barred his teeth and ducked his head.
...
He was gone.
Clary whirled around trying to figure out where she was. As she turned she noticed the familiar boths and tables, and knew that she must be at Taki's. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Jace sitting in a booth in the back of the diner. He looked up with a bored expression and motioned her towards him. The nerves in her body spiked as she looked at Jace, her brother.
She sat down opposite of him in the both and looked at him questioningly. Why were they here?
"Clary, I called you here to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I tried to push you into a secret relationship. I realize now that the feelings that I felt was just wanting something that I knew I couldn't have. I'll just be your brother from now on." Jace said, smiling. Clary opened her mouth to reply, but Jace took her hand and patted it affectionately, like an older brother would.
...
She looked down at their joined hands and when she looked back up she saw her mother.
Jocelyn was laid out in a white hospital bed wearing a blue hospital gown. Clary looked at her mother's hand that had replaced Jace's, and studied it as if she had never seen it before. The hand was the color of fresh snow, like her own, it was cold in a way her mother's hand had never felt before, and looking closely she noticed a smudge of green paint.
Clary let her mother's hand fall limply to her side and walked towards the door. She turned the knob and pulled the door open.
...
The hospital was gone now. She was in a room somewhere. When she turned around she saw Jace kissing a girl with long black hair. Clary could feel bile rise in the back of her throat and swallowed. In a whirl Jace spun around and began yelling at her. Screaming about how she ruined everything she touched. She turned and ran out of the room.
...
She kept running until she tripped over the root of a tree. She looked up and saw the ruins of the Fairchild manor, she was wondering how she had gotten outside and how she had gotten here.
She felt two hands lift her gently off the ground and turned around hoping to see Jace, but she turned and saw Sebastian Verlac. Aline Penhallow's cousin. He pulled her close and placed his lips against hers, and all she could think about was Jace and how wrong this was. She was kissing a beautiful boy while thinking about her brother. She pushed him off, but he just tightened his grip on his wrists.
...
The pain made her black out and when she woke up she saw Max. He was laying on the ground, but he wasn't moving. She stood cautiously and took a step toward him. The left side of his face was coated in blood. Clary dropped to her knees and scrambled for a pulse. None. Max, little Max, who she had told she would take to the comic book store was dead. Izzy's, Alec's, and Jace's faces flashed before her eyes. There little brother was dead. She even thought about Mayrse and Robert, who would never see there son again.
...
The images came faster now. Fading in and out. She saw too many bad things. She saw Jace's note, her mother's ashen face, Simon's mark of Cain, Jace lying dead on the sand, Valentine dead, the smoke that rose from the dead Shadowhunter's bodies, Jace's haunted eyes, the dead baby's taloned hands, Jace in the Silent City, the Lilith, Sebastian's-Jonathan's body in the glass coffin, Jace who wasn't Jace, Luke getting stabbed, Sebastian alive, Jace covered in the blood of the woman Sebastian forced him to murder, Sebastian pinning her down and pulling at her clothes, Amatis as a Dark Shadowhunter, Alec leaning over Magnus's limp body, herself driving Glorious into Jace's chest, Jace going up in flames, Emma Carstairs and the Blackthorn children on trial, war against the Dark Shadowhunters, Alec and Jace leaning over Izzy, Simon tearing open his wrist, the surprised and horrified looks on the faces of her parents and friends, Sebastian on fire with a hole in his chest, Sebastian-Jonathan with dead, Alec and Magnus embracing in front of Asmodeus, Simon losing his memories of all of them, Izzy's pained eyes, Simon who didn't remember her-them. She screamed and thrashed as she saw this happen.
She didn't deserve this. None of them deserved this. Izzy didn't deserve to lose her first love and her little brother, she didn't deserve to be forced to build walls around her because her mom made her question people, Alec didn't deserve to be treated as if he was worthless just because he loved Magnus, Magnus didn't deserve to see everyone he loved die over and over again, Simon didn't deserve to forget everything, to have his mother hate him, to lose his father when he was a child, Her mom didn't deserve to lose her son twice, Luke didn't deserve to lose his sister, Jonathan didn't deserve to lose the life that he never got to leave, Jace didn't deserve to go through all of this pain. His childhood with Valentine, thinking his father was dead, not feeling like he belonged, not knowing who he was, being lied to, losing his brother, being killed by the man who raised him, having someone invade his dreams, having Sebastian take over his mind, his body,he didn't deserve any of this.
...
She felt hands grabbing her wrists, but she couldn't see who it was. She screamed and fought one hand free. She punched blindly and felt it connect with the person's face.
"Shit. Clary, Clary, baby, wake up."
"Clary, baby, wake up." She heard the voice say again. Her eyes fluttered open and she saw Jace. She fell limp and he released her wrists, and moved his hands to her face; Clary realized that she must have been crying in her sleep.
"Clary, what the hell? You were screaming, crying, and thrashing. When I tried to wake you up, you punched me in the face." Jace said, and Clary's eyes darted to his cheek where a bruise was forming.
She raised her hand and brushed her fingers over it. "I'm sorry." She whispered, and he shook his head. "Whatever. One rune and it's gone. I want to know what's wrong with you. What happened? Bad dreams?" He asked, brushing scarlet hair out of her eyes.
"They weren't dreams. They were real." Clary said, her voice hollow.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked. She wanted to say no, but this was Jace and she didn't want to keep anything from him.
"They always start the same, with my mom gone and then they skip ahead to the night Simon became a vampire. It continues on from there." Clary said. Jace's face scrunched up in confusion.
"This has been happening? For how long?" He asked, with a confused expression.
Clary realized her mistake and blushed. "The nightmares have been going on since we got back from the demon realm two weeks ago. That's why my mom told me to stay at the Institute." She said, and watched as Jace became even more confused.
"I thought she told you to stay, because her and Luke were going to Idris and they were barely ever home?" He asked, incredlous.
"That was only part of it. Ever since we got back my mom and Luke have to wake me up, so I'll stop screaming. The other night was really bad. My mom said I was screaming out for help. She said I called for you, and Simon, and Alec, and Izzy, and Magnus, but mostly you. When they tried to wake me up, I almost ended up stabbing Luke with Heosphoros. The next morning I woke up, and my mom was sitting at the end of the bed crying and I was clutching the hilt of my sword. She told me that I was going to stay here for a while. She said that I needed to be with the ones who had went through everything with me, and that I needed to move on. Although, she did make me promise that I would stay in my own room." Clary said, the last part teasingly trying to lessen Jace's concern.
"Why didn't you tell me any of this?" Jace asked, hurt flashing in his eyes.
"Because it makes me feel weak. I mean I lived. I didn't die, and my parents are still here, you're still here, my friends are still here. I didn't lose anyone, yet I can't forget it and I can't move on." Clary said, her voice filled with pain and anger.
Jace looked at her as if she had gone mad. "Clary, that is seriously the stupiedest thing you have ever said to me. In the past months your mother has gotten kidnaped twice, you found out you was a Shadowhunter, you lost your best friend, you were almost rap-taken advantage of by your own brother. That is only a small portion of everything you have went through. Anyone else who went through what you went through wouldn't have made it. You didn't crack under preassure, you didn't break. You came into this world thinking you were a normal teenager, you came out of it a warrior. You are anything but weak."
Clary shook her head. "Jace. I know you want me to believe that, but I can't. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, but I can't believe that. If I was strong, I wouldn't feel like this." Clary said, and Jace shook his head at her.
"Clary, do you think you're the only one that took something away from that Edom? Izzy cries in her bedroom in the middle of the night, Alec doesn't eat, and whenever you leave out of my sight, I wonder when I will see you again. I never stop worrying about you. When we walk down the street and I see someone with white hair I think it's Sebastian coming back. Ever since you told me about what he almost did to you, how he tried to ra-" Jace stopped for a moment.
"Rape me." Clary filled in, and Jace's face twisted.
"Don't say that. I can't stand to hear you say that. Clary, whenever I see guys look at you, I get so worried. I know you can defend yourself, but that still doesn't change things." Jace said, with concern on his face.
"We will never be able to forget what happened over these past few months, but we can remember the good and try to move past the bad. You are the one that has made me realize this, you have allowed me to hope." He said, finally and he ducked his head and kissed her. He kissed away her fears, her worries, her nightmares. She kissed away his worries.
Together they could get through anything, and just being together helped.
It would be a lie to say that that was the last night Clary had bad, the dreams would go on for years to come. Even when Clary thougth they were gone they came back, but the difference was Jace was always there to wake her up and even when he wasn't, he was a phone call away.
It would also be a lie to say that Jace simply stopped worrying about Clary. Jace would worry about Clary for everyday of his life, but Clary would always prove that she could take care of herself with every punch, every kick, and every kill. She always proved herself. Even if she got injured in a fight, that didn't make Jace's faith in her strength lessen, because she would always get back up. She never stopped fighting.
They alway helped build each other up. Whenever Clary has a bad dream, Jace helps. Whenever Jace worries, Clary helps lessen his worry.
