Disclaimer: I do not own Diablo, Diablo II, Microsoft, Pizza Hut, or anything else that is aiding me in the creation of this story. Diablo and Diablo II are property of Blizzard, Microsoft is property of Bill Gates, and Pizza Hut is property of...........Pizza Hut. So yeah.
A Monster's Life III
I had been promoted. It wasn't much of a promotion. Kind of a desk job, really. At least the pay was better. Diablo was an ok boss, I guess. Not like Sephiroth in Final Fantasy VII. I heard that the best thing anyone in his army ever got was a Four Slots armlet. And they were terribly rusty, also. Of course, now that I think about it, the best thing that anyone got in Diablo's army was a Split Skull Shield, and those suck. Hey, now that I think about it, Diablo is a sucky boss. I would much rather work under Sephiroth. Then at least my talents wouldn't go to waste with a desk job. I wonder what part I'd be in.. Maybe the Northern Crater? Yeah. You all agree that I could be in the Northern Crater, right? Oh...you don't. The First Reactor! WHAT?! No way would I be in the first reactor! Oh well. Not like I'm supposed to talk about FF7. I'm supposed to be telling you about my job behind a desk.
Ok. Well, my job was to recruit new demons into the army, seeing as how Phil the Warrior had made several species of demon extinct, such as the Fallen. Purafat was the last of their kind. And I DID NOT get Purafat confused with Pukerat! Anyway, I sat down behind my desk, all Glorious and ready for battle with my huge sword, Split Skull Shield, which I realized sucked after I was on the internet and saw that it gave 10 armor. Yes, I have a computer. Anyway, I was all Glorious and ready for battle with my huge sword, sucky but cool looking Split Skull Shield, and Full Plate. And yet I was behind a desk, interviewing a large, purple rubber duck.
"Now, what do you do?", I asked him.
"I make an incredibly loud and annoying screech, that can split eardrums. Wanna hear it!?", he excitedly asked.
"No, I'd rath-"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ow." I recall that the ringing didn't stop until a few hours later.
"Next.", I groaned. A large clown walked in. I groaned again. It was gonna be a long day.
I was walking back to my apartment, eardrums broken, drenched with seltzer, partially painted orange, and with the phrase "All your base are belong to us" stuck in my head. I walked past some doors, slightly amused with the names.
"Department of Redunduncy Department.", I said out loud. Then I shrugged and hurried back home. I was eager to go to bed.
I hopped into a shower, and washed off all the orange paint. I turned on some music to get rid of the grammatically incorrect phrase pounding in my brain. I flopped down on the couch to alleviate my stress and tiredness. I turned on the TV. The weather was on. The anchor seemed to just be closing his eyes, pointing to a random spot, and going "Uhh....its gonna be really cold here."
I woke up late for work. Diablo was gonna be pissed. I hurried to my building, and found that it was a smoldering heap of ashes. Internally, I rejoiced. Externally, I appeared distraught.
"I'm sorry, Zax. It was all destroyed by a Deathshade Fleshmaul bomb.", Diablo said, shaking his head sadly.
"Ohh....That sucks.", I said, internally bursting with glee.
"Yeah. And even worse news: That big purple duck, the giant clown, the painting guy, and the "All your base are belong to us" guy, they were all in the building when it blew.", Diablo said, even sdder. I had to crush my nuts between my legs to keep from letting my joy show externally. I then turned around. I noticed that Diablo was still in his pajamas. He had a light blue top and bottom, and moogle slippers. On his left arm, Steinivotchski was hanging.
"Diablo, Steinivotchski, I understand. But moogle slippers? Wrong game there.", I said.
"They were a gift from Sephiroth at the 12th Annual Evil Guy Party!", he almost yelled.
"What'd you give him?", I asked.
"A bunch of Gargoyles.", he replied.
"I....see.", I re-replied.
"Well, the destruction of your building means you're demoted, and you're back at your old post.", Diablo said. I blew up with joy, and started laughing.
"Yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay!!!!!", I screamed, bouncing up and down.
"Calm down, man!", Diablo urged. And I did. At least externally.
Thus ends the short lived career of Zax the Bureucrat, and the new genesis of Zax the Blood Knight.
Phil the Warrior was walking down the street, mumbling to himself.
"I dont believe it. I get a Deathshade Fleshmaul. I find an important looking building. So what do I do? I blow up the important looking building. And then it turns out that I just killed a bunch of bureucrats and wannabe demons.", he angrily muttered. He walked up to Farnham.
"Gimme that!!", Phil said, yanking away Farnham's tankard. Farnham gasped, then broke into tears.
"Meanie!", he screamed, then ran away, bawling his eyes out. Phil took a drink from the Tankard. It was full of White Wine Spritzer.
"Man.....Farnham must have a really low tolerance to alcohol.", Phil said."Dammit, I need a quest!" Just then Cain walked up.
"You can find the legendary item, the Club of Puncturing.", he said. Phil appeared confused.
"Yes, exactly. See, how can a club puncture? It's a piece of wood. I know your questions.", Cain said.
"No, I was more confused that you could actually walk. You seem glued to that spot in front of the fountain. Even during the tainted water quest. That water smelled horrible.", Phil said.
"Oh....", Cain responded.
"Now what about this club?", Phil asked.
"Oh, yes. It's a club, and it punctures.", Cain said.
"Lay off the black mushrooms there, Cain....", Phil said.
"NO! It exists! Besides....black mushrooms free me from this plane of existence for a period of time.", Cain responded.
"Yeaaaah.......................Are you sure it isn't a spiked club?", Phil asked
"NO! It is a piece of wood that can puncture!", Cain screamed.
"Wait.....Puncturing......isn't that only in Diablo 2?", Phil asked.
"Ummm.....it......might......be....", Cain said. Then he ran off.
"Ok, that was odd.", Phil said to himself. Then something popped up under his feet. Phil looked down and read.
"Quest....Log.", Phil read aloud. Then he kicked it, and to the left of him, a big box popped up. Phil read that, too.
"The quest for the Club of Puncturing. Wait....that means its real! NOOOOO!!!!!", he screamed. Then he ran to Pepin. A box appeared over Pepin's head. (Author's note: Does it appear over their heads in Diablo 1? I haven't played it in a while. Correct me if I'm wrong.) It read: Talk: Gossip, Club of Puncturing.
"Dammit....hey Pepin, have you heard of a club of puncturing?", Phil asked.
"A club that punctures? How can that exist, I mean, it just.......AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!", Pepin screamed. Then he tore out some hair and jumped into the crack behind his house, where Zax hacked him to pieces.
"Cool, I broke his brain.....so he did know about the crack behind his house.", Phil said. Then he shrugged and walked off to the labyrinth.
"ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX!!!!!!!", Diablo bellowed.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????", I screamed back.
"Did you hack up Pepin, then throw the corpse into a cauldron, which let out a Nova spell that killed an entire squad of Blood Knights?", he asked.
"...........I.......might have....", I replied.
"GAAAAH!!!", he screamed.
"You're still wearing your moogle slippers.", I pointed out to him.
"I know, they're comfy. Now, about your punishment.....", he started. Then we heard the timkling music of...........the ice cream man."ICE CREAM MAN!!!!!", he screamed, then ran after it.
"So....what were we talking about?", Diablo asked, sucking on his Big Red popsicle.
"Uhhh....the time you beat jury duty.", I responded, licking my Astro Pop.
"Oh...you see....the trick is to tell them you're prejudiced against all races.", he said, giggling.
"Ingenious.", I responded, nodding and thanking my lucky stars that Diablo was such an idiot. Diablo got up.
"Our inside guy says Phil the Warrior is looking for an item of legendary power and mysticism.", he said.
"Oh, the club of puncturing? Pepin was talking about that before....um............he got........hey, look over there!", I yelled, because in midsentence, Diablo stared at me angrily. Diablo looked away, and I ran.
*Nightime*
"I don't see anything. What did you see, Zax? ......Zax? Zax!", Diablo yelled. He was about to turn around, but he thought. "If I turn around, I might miss what Zax wanted to show me." So he did not turn around.
A Monster's Life III
I had been promoted. It wasn't much of a promotion. Kind of a desk job, really. At least the pay was better. Diablo was an ok boss, I guess. Not like Sephiroth in Final Fantasy VII. I heard that the best thing anyone in his army ever got was a Four Slots armlet. And they were terribly rusty, also. Of course, now that I think about it, the best thing that anyone got in Diablo's army was a Split Skull Shield, and those suck. Hey, now that I think about it, Diablo is a sucky boss. I would much rather work under Sephiroth. Then at least my talents wouldn't go to waste with a desk job. I wonder what part I'd be in.. Maybe the Northern Crater? Yeah. You all agree that I could be in the Northern Crater, right? Oh...you don't. The First Reactor! WHAT?! No way would I be in the first reactor! Oh well. Not like I'm supposed to talk about FF7. I'm supposed to be telling you about my job behind a desk.
Ok. Well, my job was to recruit new demons into the army, seeing as how Phil the Warrior had made several species of demon extinct, such as the Fallen. Purafat was the last of their kind. And I DID NOT get Purafat confused with Pukerat! Anyway, I sat down behind my desk, all Glorious and ready for battle with my huge sword, Split Skull Shield, which I realized sucked after I was on the internet and saw that it gave 10 armor. Yes, I have a computer. Anyway, I was all Glorious and ready for battle with my huge sword, sucky but cool looking Split Skull Shield, and Full Plate. And yet I was behind a desk, interviewing a large, purple rubber duck.
"Now, what do you do?", I asked him.
"I make an incredibly loud and annoying screech, that can split eardrums. Wanna hear it!?", he excitedly asked.
"No, I'd rath-"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ow." I recall that the ringing didn't stop until a few hours later.
"Next.", I groaned. A large clown walked in. I groaned again. It was gonna be a long day.
I was walking back to my apartment, eardrums broken, drenched with seltzer, partially painted orange, and with the phrase "All your base are belong to us" stuck in my head. I walked past some doors, slightly amused with the names.
"Department of Redunduncy Department.", I said out loud. Then I shrugged and hurried back home. I was eager to go to bed.
I hopped into a shower, and washed off all the orange paint. I turned on some music to get rid of the grammatically incorrect phrase pounding in my brain. I flopped down on the couch to alleviate my stress and tiredness. I turned on the TV. The weather was on. The anchor seemed to just be closing his eyes, pointing to a random spot, and going "Uhh....its gonna be really cold here."
I woke up late for work. Diablo was gonna be pissed. I hurried to my building, and found that it was a smoldering heap of ashes. Internally, I rejoiced. Externally, I appeared distraught.
"I'm sorry, Zax. It was all destroyed by a Deathshade Fleshmaul bomb.", Diablo said, shaking his head sadly.
"Ohh....That sucks.", I said, internally bursting with glee.
"Yeah. And even worse news: That big purple duck, the giant clown, the painting guy, and the "All your base are belong to us" guy, they were all in the building when it blew.", Diablo said, even sdder. I had to crush my nuts between my legs to keep from letting my joy show externally. I then turned around. I noticed that Diablo was still in his pajamas. He had a light blue top and bottom, and moogle slippers. On his left arm, Steinivotchski was hanging.
"Diablo, Steinivotchski, I understand. But moogle slippers? Wrong game there.", I said.
"They were a gift from Sephiroth at the 12th Annual Evil Guy Party!", he almost yelled.
"What'd you give him?", I asked.
"A bunch of Gargoyles.", he replied.
"I....see.", I re-replied.
"Well, the destruction of your building means you're demoted, and you're back at your old post.", Diablo said. I blew up with joy, and started laughing.
"Yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay!!!!!", I screamed, bouncing up and down.
"Calm down, man!", Diablo urged. And I did. At least externally.
Thus ends the short lived career of Zax the Bureucrat, and the new genesis of Zax the Blood Knight.
Phil the Warrior was walking down the street, mumbling to himself.
"I dont believe it. I get a Deathshade Fleshmaul. I find an important looking building. So what do I do? I blow up the important looking building. And then it turns out that I just killed a bunch of bureucrats and wannabe demons.", he angrily muttered. He walked up to Farnham.
"Gimme that!!", Phil said, yanking away Farnham's tankard. Farnham gasped, then broke into tears.
"Meanie!", he screamed, then ran away, bawling his eyes out. Phil took a drink from the Tankard. It was full of White Wine Spritzer.
"Man.....Farnham must have a really low tolerance to alcohol.", Phil said."Dammit, I need a quest!" Just then Cain walked up.
"You can find the legendary item, the Club of Puncturing.", he said. Phil appeared confused.
"Yes, exactly. See, how can a club puncture? It's a piece of wood. I know your questions.", Cain said.
"No, I was more confused that you could actually walk. You seem glued to that spot in front of the fountain. Even during the tainted water quest. That water smelled horrible.", Phil said.
"Oh....", Cain responded.
"Now what about this club?", Phil asked.
"Oh, yes. It's a club, and it punctures.", Cain said.
"Lay off the black mushrooms there, Cain....", Phil said.
"NO! It exists! Besides....black mushrooms free me from this plane of existence for a period of time.", Cain responded.
"Yeaaaah.......................Are you sure it isn't a spiked club?", Phil asked
"NO! It is a piece of wood that can puncture!", Cain screamed.
"Wait.....Puncturing......isn't that only in Diablo 2?", Phil asked.
"Ummm.....it......might......be....", Cain said. Then he ran off.
"Ok, that was odd.", Phil said to himself. Then something popped up under his feet. Phil looked down and read.
"Quest....Log.", Phil read aloud. Then he kicked it, and to the left of him, a big box popped up. Phil read that, too.
"The quest for the Club of Puncturing. Wait....that means its real! NOOOOO!!!!!", he screamed. Then he ran to Pepin. A box appeared over Pepin's head. (Author's note: Does it appear over their heads in Diablo 1? I haven't played it in a while. Correct me if I'm wrong.) It read: Talk: Gossip, Club of Puncturing.
"Dammit....hey Pepin, have you heard of a club of puncturing?", Phil asked.
"A club that punctures? How can that exist, I mean, it just.......AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!", Pepin screamed. Then he tore out some hair and jumped into the crack behind his house, where Zax hacked him to pieces.
"Cool, I broke his brain.....so he did know about the crack behind his house.", Phil said. Then he shrugged and walked off to the labyrinth.
"ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX!!!!!!!", Diablo bellowed.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????", I screamed back.
"Did you hack up Pepin, then throw the corpse into a cauldron, which let out a Nova spell that killed an entire squad of Blood Knights?", he asked.
"...........I.......might have....", I replied.
"GAAAAH!!!", he screamed.
"You're still wearing your moogle slippers.", I pointed out to him.
"I know, they're comfy. Now, about your punishment.....", he started. Then we heard the timkling music of...........the ice cream man."ICE CREAM MAN!!!!!", he screamed, then ran after it.
"So....what were we talking about?", Diablo asked, sucking on his Big Red popsicle.
"Uhhh....the time you beat jury duty.", I responded, licking my Astro Pop.
"Oh...you see....the trick is to tell them you're prejudiced against all races.", he said, giggling.
"Ingenious.", I responded, nodding and thanking my lucky stars that Diablo was such an idiot. Diablo got up.
"Our inside guy says Phil the Warrior is looking for an item of legendary power and mysticism.", he said.
"Oh, the club of puncturing? Pepin was talking about that before....um............he got........hey, look over there!", I yelled, because in midsentence, Diablo stared at me angrily. Diablo looked away, and I ran.
*Nightime*
"I don't see anything. What did you see, Zax? ......Zax? Zax!", Diablo yelled. He was about to turn around, but he thought. "If I turn around, I might miss what Zax wanted to show me." So he did not turn around.
