A/N1: Yeah, the blood and the angst again - boring, I know, but I just can't stop. I'm just broken like that.
Gut feeling was telling Jyn that something was very wrong with the ruined town Rogue One was heading to. She felt like she should back off in an instant, and the team should too, but she didn't want to voice her concerns - not without hard evidence. On an assignment she shouldn't be emotional over her team-mates, no matter if they were actually her loved ones; irrational fear of losing them shouldn't cloud her judgement. And yet, the all-too-familiar prickling on the back of her neck should've meant something, should be a warning. Jyn simply chose to ignore it for the sake of logic. And she was so very wrong to do so, now she knows it. If you care for someone, logic shouldn't stop you from protecting that person. It certainly didn't stop Cassian, the one whose decisions were usually based on cool logic - and it killed him, and now she wants to die too.
It was an ambush, simple as that. Somebody was waiting for them, an armed group of aggressors. Current part of the town being too open didn't provide much cover and they had no chance to encircle the unknown number of hidden attackers. The team had to run away as fast as they could, towards the nearest crumbling buildings, obviously in opposite direction than the blaster shots were coming from. Unfortunately the shots were soon - too soon - followed by homemade explosives. It's hard to run faster than a thrown grenade flies, no matter how makeshift it might be, and Jyn was unfortunate to be caught in shockwave after a close explosion of such grenade. Her body was swiped in the air, high and far from the main fire exchange area, just to finally land face down with sickening crushing sound on a pile of several bricks. Most of the sound turned out to be the noise of her kyber pendant shattering into pieces, and while it was a loss that would truly hurt later, more important was to get herself together and let the team know that she's alright. Except that she wasn't alright; she couldn't see much further than the rubble she was sprawled on, wasn't able to utter a single word or, worst of all, to move at all. Painful breathing and blood bubbles forming at her lips told her things weren't good with her lungs, probably punctured by broken ribs, and lack of feeling in limbs could be either simply shock from the impact, or a spinal cord damage. Jyn wished it could be just a case of shock, because under those circumstances there would be no chance for anyone to come back for her. Not that they should: family or not, it was a military operation after all and fallen mates were just unnecessarily slowing things down. Even Cassian shouldn't, couldn't come back for her and it was a heart-wrenching thought that she won't ever see or touch him again. It was over now; they were never saying anything important before their assignments, nothing in case of a mission being a tragic one. They were always sharing a moment of closeness - a kiss, a hug, or just a deep look in each other's eyes - but nothing in case of a possible final goodbye. And it was already past time of their final goodbye, since she was bleeding out to death on a dusty battlefield.
The sound of hurried footsteps turned up within earshot, closer than the distant fire exchange, and Jyn braced herself for the upcoming blaster hit putting her out of the misery. The shot wasn't coming though, nor was any other kind of attack, because it wasn't a foe closing in. Instead, it was more than just a friend, it was Cassian, coming back for her like he always did. There was rare but unmistakable look of panic in his eyes, yet his face features were calm as he knelt beside her to assess her injuries. What a kriffingly stubborn man, she thought and tried to tell him to run, to take care of himself while it'd be still possible - but he just shook his head, already knowing what she'd say if she could form words instead of a coarse rale. Of course he knew, he'd try to say the same thing if the situation was reversed, Jyn realized. Still, they both were in grave danger, and while she considered herself half-dead anyway, Cassian could just walk away unscathed - if he'd back off immediately. But he didn't, both a blessing and a curse to have someone as committed nearby; a blessing and a curse to be the one so committed, curse the more if it gets you shot. Because a shot came, and Cassian just got hit somewhere in his upper chest; rain of blood drops obscuring Jyn's already poor vision even before he collapsed like a broken toy, straight on her immobile body. In sudden silence she lightly felt his form against hers, his arms spread around her, but it wasn't the kind of embrace she loved so much. It was unnatural, too still, no actual pressure of said arms - or maybe she couldn't feel it? - and no calm, assuring breaths - though maybe Jyn just couldn't feel those either? She feebly tried to crawl from under him, to see with her own eyes how bad things were, but she wasn't able to. Without sensation in own arms and legs Jyn was completely helpless and painfully aware of being useless - to Cassian, to the team, even to herself. Strange, barely audible sound reached Jyn's ears and it was yet another foul surprise: instead of saving her laborious breaths, she was weeping. Her tears got mixed with brick dust, kyber shards, her own blood and Cassian's blood; quite an appropriate summary of their shattered lives, Jyn thought. It seemed like an appropriate final goodbye too; and with that idea Jyn gave up on keeping her eyes open, on hanging on to consciousness - life energy leaving her body seemingly for good.
When Jyn wakes up, she finds it hard, yet possible, to breathe and is able to see, though can barely keep her swollen eyelids open. She's apparently alive, in medbay at the base, her whole body stiffly wrapped in bandages, entangled with various tubes and wires, surrounded by humming and beeping machinery. She faces concerned medical staff and notices the whole organic Rogue One team - her family - hovering nearby, looking sick with worry. Almost whole, because there is no Cassian with them, and she quickly realizes why, remembers why, and her physical pain is nothing when compared to the emotional one that tears her apart. Her broken frame cannot contain the anguish anymore and she starts to wordlessly scream on top of her aching lungs; she shrieks louder than any wounded animal in agony ever might, almost lifting herself up from the bed. There's a look of sheer horror in the eyes of people around, then there's a needle sinking in her arm and darkness covers Jyn together with silence, ending her poignant outburst as abruptly as it started.
It's a nice, soothing feeling, the floating. When Jyn comes to her senses again, she realizes she's been put in bacta tank. The liquid keeps her in upright position but she is able to slightly move the limbs on her own. With her strained sight she can recognize silhouettes of her friends behind the transparent wall. It takes her a while to focus at features of each and every of them, and with a jolt she discovers familiar face of someone she shouldn't ever see anymore, that it's Cassian she can see on the other side of the tank as well. Is he a ghost then? Or is her brain so damaged that she is seeing things? Either way, she decides it's enough; she doesn't want people to waste anything more on her. No more bacta or other medical resources, no more attention, no more pity she will surely receive soon. The Rogue One will carry on without her, she's certain of that, just like she's sure that she won't be able to carry on without Cassian. Especially not like that, with his specter haunting her. She simply wants to go away, to die then and there, because there are no more reasons for her to live. Jyn blindly claws around, trying to take a hold of something, anything, and she finally manages to yank the mask off her face when 2-1B unit comes and releases sedative into the tank. She slowly swims back into nothingness, thinking that if droid does that for her own good, then it has no idea what it actually means - that the death is what would be good, the best for her now.
Another wake-up in medbay. No-one was merciful enough to let her die, Jyn thinks with sadness, finding herself once more tightly bandaged, almost no bare skin left just like previously. Although with much less machinery around than before, she's still extremely weak and in much pain, of which the physical one is easier to bear. This time there's not a single person of medical staff close by, nor are there her friends, so she is in relative peace. Jyn tries to draw some consolation from the silence, tries to push away the memory of Cassian's limp body falling on her own, the dead weight of her most important person - a friend and a beloved - on her; but she can't. It'd be so much easier if not for this amazingly sharp vision of him approaching her bed, like if he was real, not just a figment of her imagination; if not for her guilty conscience showing her what she lost and can never get back. If she could, she'd run away, but all she's able to do is to push herself a little deeper into the bed and stare, waiting.
The ghost figure seems to be quite substantial, as the bed creaks when it - he - sits on its very edge; and quite realistic, with bandages peeking from under the shirt, the jacket smelling of their ship and such a tired, sad face she knows so well. The confusion is clearly visible in Jyn's eyes, confusion mixed with fear, when the specter looks into her eyes and hovers his hand to cup her cheek. The touch of hand is so real, so wonderfully soft, and she leans into it before even becoming aware of what this actually means. No matter how it looked like to her, Cassian survived the mission, and in much better shape than she did; now he's there beside her, warm and real. He's alive and that's enough for her to want to live again. She'd say something if she had the strength to do so, but she can only smile - and apparently for Cassian it's also enough, because suddenly his eyes shine with joy and face softens, all the tension disappearing in seconds. Still keeping his eyes fixed firmly on her face he fiddles with his jacket and pulls out something from an inner pocket. What he shows her, makes Jyn painfully gasp for air with shock. It's her pendant, very same and yet different.
The crystal was scrupulously gathered from the place it got shattered at, cleaned up from blood and dust, and put together into its original shape with netting of silvery hair-thin wire. She can't imagine who - or what - could have such skills, but it's not something she's interested in for too long. More important to her is that Cassian somewhere after getting back for her and being injured himself was still able to notice thing as irrelevant as her crushed pendant; not only that, but knowing how very not irrelevant it actually is to her, he risked Force knows how much to gather up the pieces. On top of it all he found a way to recreate the crystal, and Jyn feels like if she was reconstructed anew with both Cassian's presence and this gift of his. Apparently it's not the end of surprises he has for her though, as he very gently lowers the pendant on the part of surgical dressing covering her chest and digs in his pockets again, just to take out something smaller.
A familiar sparkle catches Jyn's eye and she gasps again; on Cassian's outstretched palm lies another piece of jewelry, a simple silvery ring with tiny shining shard of kyber embedded into it. The understanding slowly dawns on her; it's a piece of her pendant that adorns the ring, and there is a silent question accompanying the ring as well. Cassian still looks straight into her eyes, but with something like apprehension instead of joy. Jyn's whole body hurts, yet she can't look at him awaiting in distress like that, so forces herself to reach out to him. Slowly, tenderly, Cassian takes her bruised palm into his and almost reverently puts the ring on her pinky, the only completely undamaged finger of that hand. The view is absurd but endearing all the same and Jyn just can't take the strain anymore; she starts to both shed tears and giggle. Her eyes burn and ribs ache, but she doesn't care, she just has to let the emotions flow freely. And apparently it's not just Jyn who does that; in a short pause for breathing she registers Cassian's body shaking with sobs too, even though he tries to smile widely. She recognizes the reason behind their sudden hysteria; their minds are so unaccustomed to happiness that they just don't handle it properly. Jyn then uses all her strength to calm down and squeeze Cassian's hand, to let her fiancé know that she's with him; that nothing stands on their way to be happy - she's still alive, he's alive, they have each other, they want each other until nothing less than death do them apart. Because sometimes, just sometimes you can express yourself wordlessly; you can describe your most complicated feelings in voiceless ways and still be understood, just like Jyn understands now that no big words are necessary when it comes to her and Cassian and what they have together. They can always communicate on many different levels, they can always understand each other and it's a bigger thing than any word ever may be, the ring being just a quiet reminder of the utter devotion they share.
A/N2:
2017 Oct 5th: It all started with two separate ideas - shattered kyber crystal and Jyn struggling in bacta tank - and everything else was built upon that. It was spinning around in my head for way too long, so decided to write it down anyway, no matter how bad it turned out. I'd upload it sooner, but after my not-so-happy b-day things were rather difficult, still are.
2018 Mar 16th: Cassian's POV added in March; first half of it, because due to change of workplace and a whole lot of learning required to keep the job I just have no energy to write.
2018 Apr 18th: second and final part of Cassian's POV added. And a silly epilogue too, to lighten things up.
As for the weirdo epilogue, this tiny scene came to me somewhere during writing down final lines of Chapter 3 and couldn't get rid of it from my brain. Decided to share the persistant thing, probably as a poor proof I do have a sense of humour. After all, my fic writing has started almost exactly a year ago (first chapter of The way to fix it was published on April 9th 2017), and started with my most gruesome, darkest and heaviest fic up to date. I'm not always THAT depressed and am trying hard to prove it :P
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