New Nightmares
By Barbara
Disclaimer: They ain't mine. I wish they were, but they belong to someone else.
Sequel to What We Have Lost
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As I lie here in bed, I dread going to sleep. I know what my nightmares will be tonight. Of you, my father, torturing me. You standing there and enjoying my suffering. And maybe even of you discovering the truth and still torturing me. My nightmares come in infinite variations, but you show up in them every night. In some you just try to kill me. In others you kill those I care about while I can do nothing. In still others you discover I'm resistance and turn me over to Zo'or. And in my worst ones, you discover the truth and still turn me over to Zo'or for experimentation. But never before have I dreamed of you torturing me. You've started a whole new series of nightmares for me.
And I wonder, if you ever discovered the truth- what would you do? I can't imagine you accepting me- you dislike Major Kincaid too much. But would you turn your only son over to the Taelons? Until today, I would have said no. But your torture of me, and your enjoyment of it, tells me you are not the man I wish you were. I don't want the man you are as my father. The man you were, yes, but not the man you are now, not a man who can enjoy someone's torture. The man you are appears to have no compassion, no feelings. No- that's wrong. You have feelings, but the only ones appear to be hatred and anger. You could never accept me.
I don't think I can stand to be in your presence anymore, father. I'm going to avoid you as much as possible from now on. I don't even want to be in the same room with you. Your being near me would remind me too much of what you have become, and what I have lost- any chance to have the father I have always wished for.
Maybe in time, I'll be able to forgive you for what you've done to me. I've done it before, when you've tried to kill me. But forgiveness for torture, both physical and emotional, is a lot harder than forgiveness for trying to kill me. I'm not certain I can forgive that. I'm not even certain I want to forgive that. And even if I eventually forgive you, I will never forget the look of glee in your eyes as you tortured me. I don't think there's anything you can say to make me forgive you.
End
