I Am Not What You Choose To See
AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.
I own nothing. Nothing.
Chapter One
Trembling, he gazed at the sharpened kunai in his hand. Bits of light reflected off of the surface as he saw a distorted image of himself in the blade. The reflection was fractured.
"Typical," Genma sighed, reaching to toss the senbon in his mouth into a wall, "Still can't get anyone to see me for who I am. Can't ever get acknowledged for the right reasons. I am so fucking tired of this shit."
He'd fought the distortion for years. His kaasan died giving birth to his otouto. His father and older sister rallied around the new baby. He'd been left on his own.
"Not now, Boy. Can't you see that your sister and I have our hands full with Ryo. You're five now so I'm sure you can entertain yourself."
"Move, Boy. I don't have time for opening ceremonies at the academy and neither does your sister. Can you try to stay out from under your family's feet for once, Genma? You are not the center of attention all the time."
Genma's heart had long since gotten used to words like that. He snorted softly at the wording "center of attention." He had been as the baby of the family when his family seemed to want him around, but once Kaasan had died and his otouto had been born he'd rarely been looked at again…unless it was to be punished for simply being.
"Stop whimpering like an infant. A shinobi should be able to take a hit. It is your fault anyway. I can't always be buying you new clothing and equipment just because you decided to have a damn growth spurt. Your sister and brother have needs too. Figure it out on your own, Boy."
"How did I get stuck with a useless child like you?"
"If you so much as make a sound while I'm home I'll show you what real pain feels like, Boy. Get out of my face.
Genma remembered the words of his father, the disapproving look of his older sister, and the lack of a real relationship with a younger brother who didn't understand what was happening as the middle child grew in silence within a house that wasn't his own anymore. Where once he'd eaten with his family, eventually he had been moved into the kitchen to eat alone so there was room at the table for his otouto's highchair. Then food became a sporadic occurrence when his father began to blame him for money issues. Genma had carefully mended his torn clothes with fingers that had gotten used to needle and thread and earned monies through odd jobs to pay for some rations to survive and his school supplies. He'd dealt with his hunger and sucked up the pain from the left over wounds when tempers caused fists to fly. He'd hidden the truth from the outside world with a shield of indifference. Shinobi survived. He never understood why he'd become the black sheep looking in on a family he had yearned to belong to, but life was simply life so he accepted his title of outcast.
The boy had grown and become a genin. Genma had a team he belonged to and he trained hard. Chouza-sensei would praise him, but Ebisu was relentless in picking apart all his flaws. He trained long hours and appreciated the fact that Raidou would train with him. The older boy was strong and sparred well. The two of them found a stride to show that they would partner well on missions. Genma knew a bit of freedom then when he was working hard to develop his craft. He was able to afford some food even if his father had presented him with a bill of everything he needed to pay back for the years of "caring'' for him. So what that nearly all money earned was taken from him—he was going to be a shinobi of Konoha and people would see him again. One slip up on a mission did make his presence known in ways he had never wanted.
"I cannot believe that you just stood there while your teammate was down, Shiranui."
"I was locked in a genjutsu, Ebisu. I couldn't cast the damn thing off. I was trying and didn't know that Gai had fallen."
"We learn to deal with genjutsu in the academy, Shiranui. What are you a pre-genin?"
Genma glanced into the reflection of the kunai as a blurry bit of his eye reflected back. He'd flown at Ebisu on that day and his sensei had to get Shikaku to help pull him off. He got a new title that day thanks to Ebisu's gossiping…undependable hothead. The title had hurt and he'd trained harder. Raidou again helped him, but it grew to be too much when whispered gossip reached him of his temper and "lazy ways. "
"Let it go, Gen. I know you don't goof off."
"Not the point, Rai. I don't like to be judged by people who don't know me and I have been there for both Gai and Ebisu many times, but I'm getting crucified for the one time that I perhaps needed some help too. They have no idea what I saw in that genjutsu. They don't know…what it felt like in there."
"What did you see, Gen?"
Genma shivered when he remembered what he'd seen as a genin. He'd played it off with Raidou, but seeing your father coming at you with murder in his eyes cut to the bone. Hearing the man screaming that he was nothing and shouldn't have been born had hit too close to the truth of how Genma knew his father really felt. It was hard enough going home to see the cold, indifferent looks thrown his way in real life. The genjutsu had nearly broken through his mask. Rumors spread and he was branded a whiny coward back then which at times was still used to rile him up even after proving the title wrong time and time again.
"Damn," Genma hissed, shaking his head.
The genin ignored the rumors and proved himself by rising to chunin and quickly to jonin. He aged to the point of being able to go to bars with Raidou. Genma had grown and women and men had both noticed. For the first time in so long, he was the center of attention again and it felt so good to be seen. To be wooed. To be wanted. His mask expanded and he got the title of playboy. He wasn't though. He flirted, yes, but he rarely went home with anyone. That wasn't his way, but no one looked to see the truth. They saw the admirers and assumed.
"You tap that blonde last night, Gen?"
"No way, Aoba. She was too young and I don't go for one night stands, thank you."
"Not what we heard."
"What did you hear, Rai?"
"Everyone knows that you're quite the little player, Gen. You are nearly as bad as Anko."
That had hurt. Others gossiping was one thing, but Raidou? Raidou had grown up with Genma. Helped him clean wounds that the older shinobi had thought had come from training or missions. The only one that Genma thought could see him, but Raidou was also pretty drunk that night so he'd written the whole thing off as the alcohol's work. He had hoped that Raidou didn't really see him in such a light back then and the other man had never teased him about that again.
Genma looked at the kunai in his hand. He'd calmed some now. The jonin had worked hard on controlling his fiery temper as he aged and was usually pretty laid back and remained calm under pressure. His partnership with Raidou was renowned and his skill levels continued to mature. Then Sand had attacked and Raidou was injured and the Third killed. Tempers flew, fingers were pointed, and Genma once again gained a new title-Do nothing.
"You were right there! Both Raidou and the Third needed you and you failed them."
"I couldn't get through the barrier like everyone else, Asuma! I wasn't standing around gaping, you know!"
"You did nothing! My father died and you did nothing!"
The jonin groaned, dropping his head to glare at the floor he was sitting on. Asuma had apologized later. The man had been distraught, but the rumor mill started again. It was tiring always feeling like you were on the outside looking in. It was hard feeling that glass wall cutting you off from everyone else. It was lonely. Then Lady Tsunade happened. She was strong, she was loud, she was smart, and she used shinobi like tools. Missions and duties were all he knew for months until he didn't know which way was up. He passed out while training and remembered waking in the hospital with his newest title. Weak.
"I thought a shinobi of your level could handle himself better, Shiranui-san."
"I won't let it happen again, Hokage-sama."
"Perhaps you need to hold off on more training for a little bit until you determine what brought on this weakness. Konoha needs their shinobi strong."
Titters had rang out when Genma had been forced to use crutches for a couple of weeks. The jokes, the laughter, the assumptions were cutting though the mask. He was trying so hard to perfect a new jutsu. A jutsu that would help him move faster in order to protect. How was that a weakness? How was being one of the Hokage's best assassins making him not be able to handle himself? Why was he being questioned all the time like he was a burden or liability?
"Shit," Genma whispered, "Shit, shit, shit."
Genma didn't back down and continued forward. Fuck the ones that doubted him. He'd just show them different. He did his job and realized that he was in love. In love with the one man he thought saw him for being Genma. Raidou was bulkier muscle to his slimmer frame and being wrapped in his arms made him feel cherished and safe. Then he was assigned a seduction mission. Genma used his attributes and charm to great effect. The information he garnered stopped the killing of an innocent family. Then Genma was branded a whore.
"Heard you took one for Konoha, Gen."
"Shut up, Anko. That's not the way things played out."
"Not what I heard. Heard you moaned like a slutty, little virgin for that man, Gen-Gen."
Raidou had gone ballistic. Accused Genma of cheating in front of the whole mission room. Called him a filthy whore that would fall into bed with the first pretty face that passed his way. Dumped his ass and then punched him so hard in the face that Genma's head spun. No one stepped up to help him as he stumbled from the room to run to his apartment and lock himself far away from glaring, angry faces.
"That's not what happened, Rai," Genma choked as the trembling returned, "I didn't want this, but I'm too tainted now for you. I'm glad you dumped me. Makes all of this easier."
Outcast, undependable, hothead, do nothing, playboy, coward, weak, lazy, perverted, slut, whore, unwanted, unloved, unseen…not needed by anyone. Reviled for titles that he'd never claimed. Used and thrown away.
"I'm done," Genma whimpered, sliding the kunai as deep as possible again and again along his wrists until his fingers were slick with blood and the kunai fell to the puddle of blood around him as his hands lost enough feeling to hold the blade, "I don't want those titles anymore. I don't want to remember what happened. I'm tired and I just can't do this anymore."
Genma sighed as he toppled. His loose hair fluttered to stick against tear-soaked cheeks. It was funny that the pain from his wrists did not rival the pain in his heart. The mask had crumbled and the abandoned child within him cried in sorrow. This would be his last title…broken.
To be continued…
