Part 1: Sweetest Flower of All Thy Field

"Beautiful isn't it?" His voice carried across the field.

I turned from where I stood to glance up at his approaching figure. I let out an impatient breath at being found, reminding myself to remember to cover my tracks more carefully next time. Unable to ignore him, I simply smiled, hoping that my sudden frustration would die down and his keen vision wouldn't notice. I bent to pick up another wildflower, placing it into the bunch I held within my hand. The colors shinned bright, as pinks, purples, blues, reds, all of them forming together to make a bouquet of sunset in my hand.

"Let me help you with that." In a series of swift movements lasting only several short seconds, he was by my side. Casually, he too bent down to pick up a delicate yellow flower.

"Madia." I spoke as I took it from his warm hand.

"What?"

He turned, his black eyebrows scrunching together as he glanced at me; it was something he always did when he hadn't quite heard what I was saying. The funny thing was he always heard me, he could hear me yards away, yet his mind was just usually somewhere else, confused or deep in his own thoughts.

"The flower, Jacob, it's common name is Madia Elegans. Native Americans use to crush them into food. I however just think they are pretty."

"So you're telling me my ancestors used to eat these things?" He smiled, twirling another flower in his fingers, his white teeth catching the sun's rays that filtered through the clouds. "I would say we've moved up in the world?"

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Jacob always seemed to have a snide comment up his sleeve. I brushed past him and found another patch of forget-me-nots. A few more and I would be done. I bent down to gather a few of them, only to have Jacob's shadow cast itself over me. I breathed a deep breath. I had to remind myself that it was just Jacob's way. He never meant to hover. He was just like this. He had always been like this, it would always be this way, at least with me.

"You seem to have a big bunch there."

I could feel his eyes on my neck, on my shoulders, as if he was watching my every move. I took another deep breath focusing my energy on trying to slow down my heartbeat. Jacob could hear even that too.

"Enough for Esme and Mom." I stood, turning to face him. "I promised Esme a new vase of them and I figured we could use a new batch at the cottage."

"So Ness, you going to tell me what you are really doing up here all by yourself, again, and don't say it's because you just needed some fresh air." His brown eyes caught mine as he crossed his arms. His stance seemed firm as if he wasn't going to let me pass without an answer, an honest answer. "I know you better than that."

That was the one thing I hated most about Jacob, he knew me too well. He could tell when I was lying. More than that he knew when I was keeping things from him, which until recently had never really been the case.

"I…I just needed to…breathe." I took a deep, much exaggerated breath and smiled brightly. "And I thought it would be a good idea to give mom and dad some space for a few hours."

Despite his grotesque face at the mention of my parents, I knew he wasn't satisfied. I tried to move past him to avoid his gaze but he wouldn't let me pass. That was another thing I hated about Jacob, he was stronger than me, the human side of me made we weaker. He placed a firm hand against my arm. It didn't hurt rather it felt warm, a feeling that as a child had been comforting, but now was simply annoying.

"You're lying. You're heartbeat gives you away."

"That's not fair." I caught his eyes. I knew he was worried. His forehead was wrinkled, a fixed concerned expression glued to his face. "Jake—"

"What aren't you telling me, Ness?"

He moved towards me, placing his hand on my other arm. I was officially trapped there in front of him. My eyes fixated on the heavy rise and fall of his chest, I dared not look up into his eyes for fear that I would be found out.

"You've been distant lately…with all of us."

"I just have a lot going on." I muttered under my breath still unwilling to look up at him. His touch loosened, and finally he dropped his hands.

"Like what?" He laughed taking a step backward, the sound of it filling the silence of the open land. "Piano lessons, defense and offensive training, studying advanced Latin and Greek, learning names for wildflowers—"

"Cut it out Jacob." I finally glanced up at him, but I was angry and he knew it. He took another step backwards as if my words had hurt him.

"Sorry, I didn't mean anything by it, I was just joking."

"I just have a lot that I am processing right now."

"Processing?" He mumbled as he crossed his arms again, his eyes transfixed on me as if he was trying to read my mind. Thankfully only my dad could do that and he and I had agreed to a strict code of silence a long time ago. "Okay, so what are you processing?"

"Jake—"

"No, Ness, I'm all ears, so what's going on?" He reached for my hand, as if I would show him the way I had always shown everyone else what I had wanted, the way that had become normal for me to communicate.

"No, Jake. Not like that. I'm not a child anymore." I spoke the words I had been thinking about for years now aloud and with an intensity that I hadn't even expected. Jacob instinctively withdrew his hand as if my words had literally stung him, and maybe they had. "I'll…I'll see you later."

I took one more glance at him and speed off, flying through the forest, I was grateful he didn't try and follow me. Dodging the trees and rocks, I made my way back to the cottage, the bunch of wildflowers secure in my right hand. It only took a few moments but it felt like an eternity especially since Jacob's hurt expression seemed to stick in the forefront of my mind.

I came to an abrupt stop in front of the door and let my ears pick up on the sounds around me. Hearing nothing but the casual voices of my parents, I opened the door and stepped into the cottage. Walking to the piano by the large floor length window, I grabbed the crystal vase on top of it as I had so many times before. This outing unfortunately had become a routine the last few years. I consoled myself by believing that it was a kind gesture to have fresh flowers in the houses and that it brightened up the rooms.

"Another already." My dad, Edward's voice came from the hallway.

"They are lovely, Renesmee." My mom, Bella smiled brightly as she moved quickly from under my dad's arm to where I stood. She breathed in their scent and kissed me on the forehead. "Thank you sweetheart."

"I just figured a new group might be nice."

"You seem to be spending a lot of time up there."

"It's just so beautiful this time of the year. The sun shines right through the trees and lights up all the colors in the field, like a living breathing sunset."

"It must be spectacular. Maybe we should go see it for ourselves." My mom put her arm around my dad's waist and leaned her head against his chest.

I had seen her do the exact same thing my whole life. The same exact move, the same exact way, and yet now it somehow made me begin to question things I had never questioned before. I could tell they had caught my dilemma. I saw recognition in my dad's eyes. He had heard my thoughts.

"Are you okay?" My mom stepped out of his embrace and laid her hand against my cheek. Her touch felt slightly cool, like a soft breeze, so unlike Jacob's warmth. That was the difference of their kind, one cool, one warm.

"No, I don't think I am." I heard my voice shake as I said the words.

Within seconds my mom brought me into her embrace and my dad wrapped his arms around the both of us. It was something that should have brought me comfort, but it seemed to only make me more agitated. I didn't want their touch; I wanted space. I wanted space and answers, answers to all the questions that ran through my head. It was my dad who stepped away as if my thoughts had been well registered. My mom responded the same as if taking his lead.

"Bella and I will try and answer any questions you have." At the mention of the word questions my mom's face expression hardened, if that was even possible.

"Dad, you can't pick and choose when to abide by the code!" I said through a frustrated sigh.

"I know, it's just—" He looked from me to my mom and just smiled as best as he could. "I'm sorry, you're right. It's just gotten harder over the years. I just want to protect you, to help you."

"You are growing up, Ness." My mother's tender voice echoed over us. "A part of doing so is thinking, feeling the way I can assume you do." Her hand found my face again, smoothing a free strand of wavy hair away from my eyes.

"We just want you to let us in." Upon hearing my thoughts, my resolve loosening, my dad led me by the hand to the couch in the center of the room.

My mom gracefully sat down beside me, my dad it seemed was content to sit on the ottoman across from us, yet both of their golden brown eyes never left my face.

"Ask us anything. We will do our best to answer, to help explain anything that might be troubling you."

"Is this about Jake?" My mom asked as she bit her lip, a nervous human habit that she seemed to have still kept even after she was turned.

I knew the blush that rose over my face from her bluntness only gave me a way. There where some downsides to being what I was, this was definitely one of them.

"He's part of it," I tried to be honest, "but it's more than that." "I just feel so…different. I mean, yes, I know I am different than each of you. Carlisle even says that the human part of me makes me so, but I guess I just…feel it…sense it more now that I am older. I mean at seven years I was fully-grown, mature by human standards. I stopped aging almost ten years ago. For the longest time now I've felt older than I am. I just feel like…like I am trapped."

My mom ran a hand over my head and through my wavy light brown hair, as if responding to my confusion, as if doing so might soothe it away.

"Why didn't you say anything before?"

"I never felt like I could." I said truthfully looking between the both of them. "You both were so happy, so excited with this life and the way we lived it. For a while as a child I was too. I grew up surrounded by love, by countless tutors, by many mothers, fathers, and friends. Yet the last few years…I have…there's been an awakening of sorts. I seem to notice things that no one does. I experience emotions that no else does."

"Like what?" My father asked, curious to know the answer.

"Restlessness. Boredom. Curiosity."

"Many a vampire has felt such things and add that with the human part of you that desires to seek, explore, and understand, it is only natural for you too feel those, sweetheart."

"But unlike them, I have never had the chance to explore, or go and seek what I want to understand." My voice heightened and I didn't really know why. "I've spent the last seventeen years here."

"How has time flown by so quickly?"

"Time is quicker for us Bella, we live it differently now."

"Yet before we cherished it, Edward, we didn't know how long we would have with you." I felt her hand grasp mine.

"I know and then we realized we would have time, time was all we had." My father glanced at my mom and smiled, a deep smile that I couldn't understand fully it's meaning.

"It's becoming…I mean I…it's becoming harder and harder for me to be here." I didn't know how else to say it. I figured the truth was the best way. Quick and easy, that was the best bet.

"What do you mean?"

"Dad, you know that living here has been getting harder for me. I've spent the last year just trying to figure it out without freaking you out. That's why I have been spending so much time away, I haven't wanted you hearing my thoughts."

"What about being here is so hard, Renesmee?"

My mom's face look bewildered, and that was what made even this conversation so difficult. She really could not comprehend or begin to understand why all of this was not what I wanted, or at least not what I needed right now.

"Everything. The constant protection of Emmett and Jasper, the constant hovering of Rosalie, the never-ending coupling of all of you! Everyone is divided into pairs, and that just makes it all worse."

"Because of Jacob?"

"He's the biggest reason of all for me to…"

"For you to what?" My mom cast her gaze intently upon me as if doing so would extract a different statement from my mouth. "For her to do what, Edward?"

"For me to leave." I spoke as confidently as I could, yet I knew doing so would hurt her even more.

"Renesmee—"

"I've been trying to find a way to tell you, both of you, to find the right time to explain it to you. I want to leave mom, I have wanted to for a while now." My gaze caught her golden eyes and I knew that if she could she would be crying. "I won't ever be able to feel the way he does."

My parents sat speechless, frozen in their own emotions and thoughts, yet it was another sound that made all three of us finally move, a sound I was very familiar with, a deep mournful howl. Jacob it seemed had been listening.

"Jake." My mom's voice spoke with such tenderness that it shook me from my own thoughts.

I stood to leave, to go and find him, to explain, but my father gripped my hand, keeping me where I was.

"There will be time for that, Ness, Jake won't go anywhere, not without talking to you first. For now you need to tell us how you really feel so that way we all can decide together what is best for you."

"How long have you felt this way?"

"A few years."

"Years? That long?" My mom asked her face holding nothing but shock.

"I didn't want to hurt you all. I just began to feel disconnected, even at some points angry. Things, my whole life, have just been set in stone, as if it's already happened. Living here with all of you forever."

"Renesmee—"

"I know that sounds hurtful, Mom, and I am sorry. You all chose this life. Despite the surprise of having me, you then chose this life for me as well. Never once have I been given an opportunity to choose, to choose to do it differently. It's like there is this huge part of me that just wants to understand, to know why I am so different? Why I feel so discontented? Why don't I feel the same way about Jake?"

"What do you feel, Renesmee?" My father asked his eyes suddenly closing as if listening intently to what he was hearing me think.

"Jake has been here for me my whole life, he's my best friend. He's been everything to me all at once in so many ways. The way he began to look at me, the way he looks at me now. I know he hopes for more, like with the other members of the tribe. It's as if he is waiting for something, like there is a timeline and I haven't gotten there yet but he wants me to be there. I know that sounds crazy."

"It makes sense, trust me."

I caught my mom looking at my dad. There was the expression again. It was as if they were thinking the same thing, thinking something that I couldn't understand.

"What are you not telling me?" I questioned. A tremor echoed between them, I had never seen my parents so on edge before, at least not since I was young.

"There is history, sweetheart, between Jacob and your mom. A history that all of us didn't understand until you were born."

"What are you talking about?" I turned from my father to my mother seeking her eyes to understand the truth.

"Jake has always been a friend to my family, your grand-pa's and mine. We grew up together and became friends when I moved here to Forks in high school despite him being a couple of years younger than me."

"That's nothing I don't already know."

I caught my mom looking at my dad as if to consult him on how to explain. They both just stared at each other for a while, neither one seeming to know how to proceed.

"We knew this day would come, Bella."

"You both are starting to scare me." I exclaimed.

"Renesmee, I…we have tried to tell you this so many times, it just somehow never seemed right. You see, Jake and I…we were…connected…for a while." My mom finally spoke so slowly that her words hung in the air.

"Connected?" I knew my face must have looked perplexed because honestly I was.

"He was in love with her." My father spoke carefully.

I stood still, my body unmoving as the words echoed through me. Jacob, Jake, my Jake, the person I had grown up with, my best friend…had been in love with my mom? I forced myself from their touch and flew across the room to the window, my eyes stung, my stomach fell from the sudden pain of the truth.

"Edward." Her golden eyes moved from my father to my sudden absence. I knew I had caused her pain by tearing myself away from them so fast. "Sweetheart, Jacob just thought he was in love with me." She stood and within moments she gracefully found her way by my side again.

"I don't understand." I forced myself to look at her. "You either do or don't love someone."

"It's not always that simple, Renesmee. The heart, our emotions, our desires can be a complicated thing."

"Did you love him too?"

"Renes—"

"Did you?" I spoke fervently desperately seeking the truth.

"As a human, a part of me did, yes." My mother looked at the floor before glancing over her shoulder to my father. "I cared for him very deeply, he was my best friend, someone who knew me more than anyone, but I wanted this. I chose this life with your father. I loved Edward first and always."

"Why did you never tell me? Why keep it from me all these years?" I questioned desperately.

"Like Bella said, sweetheart, we always intended to tell you. Maybe we should have sooner, for that we are sorry." My father stood and made his way to the both of us. "Renesmee, the truth is only this and I hope you can hear us and know it to be true. Jacob never imprinted on Bella, he couldn't, because for as much as he thought he loved her, and for as much as your mother cared for him, she wasn't the one he was meant for. Ness, when you were born and Jacob saw you for the first time, he imprinted. For the first time it all began to make sense. He was drawn to Bella during those years because it was making a way to you."

There it was, the truth. I was the one whom Jacob had imprinted on. I had always known, I guess, but to have it confirmed made me feel unstable, as if suddenly the world had shifted and I wasn't prepared for it quite yet. I had heard the term imprinting all my life, beginning from the time I was young when I would go with Jacob to the reservation. I knew about it and had seen it's effects, but the truth was I was different than all the others. I never acted around Jacob now the way Emily did with Sam, maybe when I was a child Jacob and I had a special bond, but things hadn't been the same since I reached maturity.

"But he hated you during all that time?" I said trying to but the pieces together.

"Yep, it seemed that part was unavoidable, warring species, in love with the same girl, and all of that."

"He saved all our lives that night, Renesmee. Sam and the others had vowed to kill you, if Jacob hadn't imprinted on you…well who knows how things might have been."

"Sam? Kill me?" I mumbled my eyes widened. The man I had grown up with flashed in front of my eyes, the one I had built sandcastles with, the times spent over at his house baking with Emily. "Why?"

"They, like the Volturi, were afraid of what you might become. They didn't understand how special you are."

"They thought I would be like the immortal children." I felt myself shake. I had researched their kind when I was younger, afraid that I might become like them. Luckily, Nahuel was right. We were different; we could control our thirst.

"I know this is a lot to take in, sweetheart."

"But if Jacob did imprint with me, then why am I so different? Why don't I feel…why don't I act the way the others do?"

"As a child you did. We couldn't keep you two apart." I saw my mother smile. "You two spent all your time together."

"I haven't felt that way in a while."

"I know, baby." My mom placed her hand over mine.

"Maybe your uniqueness has allowed you a certain choice?" My father spoke up.

"Choice?"

"You can choose to feel the same way or not, sweetheart." He placed his hand under my chin raising it up to meet his eyes. "You have the choice to one day choose to love him."

If I had to be honest, I have always known deep down that Jacob loved me, maybe not in such a deep romantic way as I was beginning to realize, but all the same I knew he felt love towards me. Ever since I began to realize just how much he loved me, the guilt and fear of not being able to feel the same, began to slowly overwhelm me. That was the real question that my heart had yet to find an answer to. The fear that permeated through me now was that I might never have the answer.

"I want to go spend time in South America." I spoke calmly my eyes glancing into both of their faces.

"South America?" My mom repeated as if she hadn't heard me correctly.

"To visit our friends I would imagine." My father took a step towards my mother wrapping his arm around her as if doing so might ease the sudden pain I was causing her.

"Yes, to visit Nahuel, to hopefully meet his sisters. To understand what being me means."

"They drink human blood, Renesmee." My mother's tone hardened.

"Yes, and so did we once, long before you were a vampire." I knew I had gone too far, from the look on their faces they both seemed surprised by my words. "I'm sorry, that…that wasn't called for. I want to go find out for myself the answers only they can give. This isn't a new altering view on my choice of diet. This is about me figuring out what it means to be…me."

"Fine, we'll all go. We can be back by—"

"No, mama." My voice was steadfast and firm, my tone fixed on this sole truth. I wanted to do this, and I wanted to do it alone.

"She's right Bella, this is a journey we can't take with her."

"Edward, Alice can't track her, she'll be invisible in the jungle! What about the Volturi? They would look for any chance to find her alone. We can't take that risk."

"I know. Trust me, Bella, I know."

I could feel the tension in the room as my mom processed all that I was saying. I knew her mind was figuring out an alternative solution, a way to let me go but also protect me. I knew she would be the hardest to sway. She loved me more than I could imagine. She had nearly sacrificed everything for me and I knew she would do it again in a heartbeat.

"Renesmee, you've never even…" Yet I stood firm and caught her golden eyes as she glanced from my father back to me. "Alright. Alright, if this is what you really want." My mom placed her hand on my cheek and looked deep into my eyes as if she suddenly had my father's gift and could hear my thoughts.

"This is what I need to do. I need time away to process, to figure all of it out." I placed my hand over hers and nodded with a confident smile, yet underneath I knew that this was an undertaking I wasn't sure whether I was prepared for.

"Alice and Jasper will be able to describe where they found them. Although that was almost two decades ago, they may have moved on since then."

"I can track them. Their scent will be different than anything else. Jacob taught me how to—" At the sudden mention of his name the reality of what I was doing and what I would be doing to him hit me.

"Go and speak to him, Ness." My father eyed the front door of our cottage. "We can make arrangements while you are gone."

"What if he hates me?" I whispered.

"He won't." My mom pulled me into her arms, as if this was when we were saying goodbye.

"I'll be back, mom."

"I know." She rubbed my back and pulled away from me with a smile.

"Here goes nothing." I breathed a deep breath before flying out of the cottage and vanishing into the night.

I stopped in the middle of the path that led up to the main house and let my senses take over. I tried to catch the familiar scent of him. He wasn't anywhere near the house nor the cottage. His scent; an aroma that to the rest of my family smelled like a foul wet dog, to me however Jacob always smelled much more like the forest right after a heavy rain, a mixture of musk, cinnamon, and grass. I found the familiar smell soon on as the wind blew gently. I determined that he had fled the house headed towards the reservation. My heart dropped at the revelation, Jacob never left this early before. I took another deep breath knowing his early departure was and could only be my fault.

I ran as fast as I could through the trees, the full moon tonight helped the darkness give shape. My half-human eyes didn't allow me to see perfectly at night but the light from the full moon made everything clearer. I rushed over the mountain and through the meadow we had been in only this afternoon.

I slowed down only as I neared the small wooden homes on the outskirts of the reservation. I began to walk as I made my way quietly to Jacob's back door. I didn't want to wake up Billy, the years hadn't been too kind to him, and his mobility was waning. But it seemed today was just not my day for before I even had a chance to knock, the door swung open and there he was pajamas and all.

"Hey Ness."

"Hi, Billy. I'm sorry to wake you. Is Jake here? I really need to talk to him." I fiddled with the sleeves of my jacket as I spoke and I knew Billy took notice because his eyes never left my hands.

"He came in about a half hour ago, but left in a rush."

"Did you see where he was heading? It's really important that I—" I didn't have to say anything more because the soft breeze answered my question, for I caught the sudden aroma of rain, earth, and cinnamon. It was him, he was close, very close. "Important that I find him." I finished my sentence as I turned from the door and looked out across the un-kempt lawn towards the forest.

Jacob was almost invisible in the night, his dark features only blending in, yet as he got nearer to the house his figure slowly took form.

"You found me." He spoke across the lawn. His arms crossed firmly against his chest. He seemed to be set on not coming any closer. He had no intention of making this easier for me.

"Goodnight, Billy." I said turning back towards the door. Billy only smiled, the corner of his mouth turning up, as if he was saying good-luck.

"Night, Ness." He closed the door and I could hear his wheelchair move back down the hallway towards his room.

I stood there on the tiny porch for what seemed like ten minutes before I walked toward Jacob. I really didn't know what I was going to say. Jacob never moved; he stood firmly planted.

His expression however had intensified as if in his mind he was running and re-running over everything he wanted to say and the things he knew he shouldn't say, the things that wouldn't help, the things that would just make it worse. If I hadn't been so terrified of what I was about to do I might have laughed.

"Did you come out all this way just to stand there silent or did you have something to say?"

"Why did you never tell me about you and my mom?" I found the words coming out of my mouth before I could stop myself. This wasn't the reason I had come, but it seemed it was the one thing I couldn't let go of just yet.

"So they told you." He took a deep breath, his shoulders rising and falling heavily before he moved closer. "I guess…I guess it was time you finally knew."

"You loved each other." I said simply trying to act casual, as casual as I could about a situation that had just altered my reality.

"Ness." He took three strides closer to me, bridging the gap between us. "It's not what you think."

"Then explain it to me, Jake." I stared up into his face, the streetlight making his features seem even darker. "Because I have never been more blind-sided or confused in my whole life as I am right now."

"Bella and I were friends before you were born and we grew closer over time." Jacob's body tightened as if he was restraining himself. "She and I…I mean I thought…I'm not doing this right!" He let out a frustrated sigh. I had never seen him so unglued. "I've thought about this a hundred times, I have tried to come up with the right words to explain it, to make you understand—"

"Then what are they?" I placed my hand on his crossed arm as if doing so would somehow calm him down.

"How can I explain to you something that even I don't understand?" Jacob spoke so fervently that I felt my stomach tighten. "Ness, I don't know why it happened the way it did, it just did. Back then, I thought I loved Bella, I thought she was the one, I fought for her, protected her, but I never understood why I never…" Jacob trailed off, his eyes glancing from the ground up to me.

"Why you never imprinted?" I said finishing his sentence for him as I removed my hand from his skin.

"It never made sense until…until I saw you that night." Jacob brushed a strand of my hair behind my ear, something he hadn't done since I was a girl. "It was like my whole world shifted, and there you were. It was all for you. My time with Bella, the way I felt for her those last few years was just leading me to you, Ness."

"Did you ever kiss her?" The words had come out of my mouth before I could stop them. Why did I even want to know? I found myself shaking my head as if doing so would banish the confusing emotions from my mind. "Sorry, I don't know why I asked—"

"Only a couple of times." I could tell Jake was trying to make it sound casual, he shrugged his shoulders up and down as if it was no big deal, yeah right, no big deal that my best friend had made out with my mom!

"I shouldn't have asked." From the way my heart was rapidly beating I knew that the truth it seemed was too much for me to take.

"If it's any consolation, she sprained her hand the first time from punching me in the face."

"And the second time?" I questioned.

"She was just trying to keep me from being stupid."

"Stupid?"

"Like getting myself killed in a fight with newborns." Jacob chuckled to himself. "I was a bit extreme back then." Jacob sighed, the memory it seemed fading. "Look, Ness, I know this is a lot to take in. Trust me, but the truth is I haven't thought about Bella that way in over seventeen years. Honestly, I can't really even remember feeling that way at all. Nothing else has mattered, past, present or future, but you."

The way he looked at me as he said those words terrified me. I had never been more aware of him or myself as I was in that one moment.

"Why didn't you ever tell me, Jake? After all these years, why keep it all a secret? Why didn't they tell me?" I bit my lip to keep my emotions at bay. I felt like the world was spinning and at any moment it would force me off the edge.

"I was afraid."

"Afraid?"

"We all knew one day you would come to know the truth. We've even talked about how we would do it. I guess it never happens the way you think it will." Jacob spoke more to himself and the night than to me.

"Why were you scared, Jake?" I took a step closer towards him trying to catch his gaze. "Why are you scared, Jake?"

"I didn't want to loose you." His brown eyes found mine in the darkness. "I can't loose you."

In those few seconds as we simply stood there together, I saw my life through his eyes. I saw all that he hoped I would be to him, yet despite all of that, despite the knowledge I had about our past, I still felt the same.

"But none of it matters now anyway." He sighed taking a step away from me. "It seems history has a way of repeating itself."

"Jake, you need to let me explain. What you over heard tonight was—"

"I get it Ness. Trust me, I get it." Jacob held up his hand as if saying anything more was only going to make the situation worse. I chose not to listen.

"Please, Jake, just hear me out." I placed my hand on his arm again and I felt him relax slightly under my touch. "I know you're hurt, but please just let me explain." He turned his head and sighed deep. I knew he had given in to me. I knew I had his attention. "You should have been the first one to know. It should never have happened like this, you overhearing it and everything. I'm sorry for that, but you were right about me this afternoon. I have been avoiding everyone, mostly you because I…I didn't have the courage to tell the truth."

"And now you do?" He spoke, his tone deep and grating.

"Not really, I don't want to have to have this kind of courage." I could see Jacob's face twist into confusion. "I don't want to have that kind of courage, the courage it takes to tell my best friend…you need…you need to know the truth and I am sorry—" Jacob's head turned away from me and I could tell he was shaking. I didn't know what to do. How do you comfort someone, when the cause of their pain is your own doing? "Jake, you're my best friend, you've been everything to me—"

"Just not enough, apparently." His eyes burned with an intensity I had never seen before.

I took a step back, suddenly for the first time in my whole life, I was afraid of him. He noticed my sudden apprehension and stiffened in response. I could tell he was trying to control his emotions, but was failing miserably at it.

"Jake, I care about you…so much." I whispered. I felt a tear fall on my cheek and I wiped it away with my hand.

I looked back up at him, his expression changed, he was no longer angry, no longer fuming with heat, rather there was a deep longing in his eyes, a yearning that I had seen building within him these last few years. A longing I couldn't face yet.

He took a step closer to me bridging the gap between us. His sudden nearness left me dizzy, I didn't know what to do. He placed his hand softly on my cheek and the warmth radiated through me. His eyes caught mine as if he was willing for me to feel what I knew he felt.

"I know you do." Jacob's gentle breath was warm against my face. "I can sense the way I make you feel, I always have." I turned my face from his and I suddenly the thick wall went back up between us. Jacob took a deep breath and exhaled before continuing. "You're unique, Ness. You're different than the others. I think I have known for a while now that you would have a harder choice. I just kept hoping time would change things between us, that by being what you needed for however long you needed it there was a chance you might grow to feel the same way I do. I was wrong."

"Jake, I am…I'm so sorry. Growing up, I never really understood what all this meant to you. How hard it must have been for you." Now it was I who lifted my hand to his cheek and without meaning to I showed him images of my childhood, the memories I had been replaying in my mind these last few months.

Memories filled with times of playfulness in the newly laid snow, the gathering of witnesses in the great meadow, me on Jacob's back feeling afraid and confused, time flew on to scenes of learning how to hunt and track, swimming in the river during the summer, building sandcastles with his tribe on the beach, holidays, all of my childhood memories included him. He saw himself through my eyes as the protector, the caretaker, the teacher, the best friend, my other half. Yet, my memories changed and I saw in my mind what he saw now, times spent around the campfire on the reservation, the questioning I always had about the couples that were before me, how natural it was for each of them to touch, to kiss, the images switched to Emmett and Rosalie, to Jasper and Alice, to Carlisle and Esme, then finally to my parents. Then I showed him the one image that had been burned within me, himself looking at me that way he had been these last few years, the way he just had only minutes ago. The yearning and the longing held behind his dark eyes and then finally I revealed to him my heart, the resounding confusion and questioning echoed through me and into Jacob.

"I'm sorry Jake, I never meant to show you all of that." I retracted my hand ashamed that I had revealed to him so many things that I knew would bring him pain.

Jacob stumbled backwards as he looked down at the gravel road beneath our feet. He took a deep breath. I knew he was trying to compose himself.

"I needed…I needed to see for myself." He finally spoke.

"This is why I have to be honest with you, I care about you too much to keep living like this. I don't want…I don't want to hurt you anymore, Jake."

"So what, you're just going to leave?" His voice deepened, the anger had returned.

"I need time, Jake, time to figure out who I am, what I am. My whole family lives in this utopia environment all the time. They've found their lives and now they have the freedom to live it. I want to find mine. I just want to understand what being me means. I need to be in a different place with people who really understand."

"South America." He exhaled. "Nahuel." Jacob's jaw tightened as he said his name.

"His family is the only one we know of that are like me. When I was a child I never questioned what I was, it never made any difference to me. But now, since reaching maturity, it does, there are questions only he can answer, about this life and what it might hold for me. I have to go and see for myself."

"I'm sure Bella and Edward are thrilled about this one." He said with a slight chuckle, his feet digging a trench in the dirt as he shuffled his foot.

"They are trying to understand." I took a deep breath. "Am I wrong to do this?" I looked back up at him, I felt once again like a child and he had all the answers.

"You're just growing up, Ness." He smiled, my tension seeming to deplete. "You are wrong about one thing though." He exhaled as he ran a hand through his hair.

"And what's that?" I said with a teasing smile.

"No one will ever know you better than I do, Ness." I turned towards him and felt myself shake, but we both new it wasn't because of the sudden cold that blew across the open yard.

"I'm scared." I spoke so truthfully I surprised even myself.

Jacob as he had done a thousand times before encircled me in his arms. I had grown up here in the warmth and comfort of his bronzed skin, from a baby in his hands, to a girl on his shoulders, to now a woman in his embrace. To any outsider our strange relationship would seem absurd, but I knew deep in my heart that here in Jacob's arms was the only place I had ever felt truly safe and protected; all thoughts, which seemed to only, confuse me more.

"You're strong Ness, brave, smart." He whispered into my ear, his deep voice resonating within me. "You'll find the answers you're searching for."

And when you do I'll be here waiting for you. A part of me wanted him to say it, but he didn't. The truth was I didn't know how long I would be gone, I didn't know how many months or even years it would take before I would be ready to come back home. I took a deep breath and gathered the courage to break away from his touch. I saw a tear quickly stream down his cheek. I was breaking him, I knew that, but I couldn't stay here anymore. That was a different sort of breaking, and I wasn't going to do that to him. I cared about him too much.

"I had better go. My family will want to see me before I leave." I retreated from his embrace and suddenly for the first time in a long time felt bitter cold. Jacob's warmth was gone from me, and I didn't know how long it would be before I felt it again.

"When are you leaving?" He spoke as he wiped the tears away from his face, not wanting me to see them.

"Tomorrow." I saw another shudder run through Jacob's body. Yet he tried to remain strong for me and that was what pained me even more. "Good-bye Jake." I spoke with as much of a smile as I could.

"Bye, Ness." The words themselves were painful to hear, and I knew they had been painful to say.

What was even harder was the next step I took as I turned away from him and fled back into the forest, leaving Jacob Black, my best friend, my everything, standing there alone in the moonlight night.