My hands shook as I drove down the highway.

I couldn't believe that I could be so stupid. Even a fuckup like me had no excuse to miss her mother's death day and not bring flowers to her grave or even think about her. The clock seemed to be moving way too fast, minutes falling away like a dead flower losing its dry, brittle petals.

Tears clouded my eyes and I could barely see more than vague colors and shapes through the window.

2:59

I had missed the date by two whole miserable hours. In those two hours I had made out with Pudge and exchange sexy words with Jake via the telephone. I had done selfish things instead of what I really wanted and needed to do. Typical Alaska. So selfish. Just a scared, lost little girl. A sheep in wolves' clothing.

"To be continued."

The words hung in the air, looming over me and adding to the shadow that always covered me. I didn't remember why I even said them. Maybe I really did like him, but what did it matter. Jake was my boyfriend. Pudge had to know that it was only impulse that lead me to kissing him, not real love. I wasn't even sure I was capable of real love at all.

The clock hit 3:00 and my breathing grew more sporadic. I saw that I was approaching a police car, while going way too fast. Getting a ticket was now inevitable. Shit.

My labyrinth of suffering was growing larger with each second that passed. Memories of my wrongdoings flooded back into my mind, one by one, hitting me like little bullets and leaving holes in my body that could never be filled. I was falling apart piece by dirty, broken piece.

I let my mother die. I made empty promises and was a shitty friend and everything I touched shattered beneath my fingers. The alcohol surged through my veins, making everything fuzzy, but not dulling the pain in the least.

The cop car headlights were now bright in my eyes, getting closer and closer. I needed to hit the brakes, but for a moment I was going so fast that I actually believed I could fly. The thought suddenly consumed me. I could fly away from the wreckage I'd left in the world and be free.

The world was just too much to handle. I had to break free.

I flashed back to that afternoon. I saw mother collapsing into a lifeless heap on the floor. I heard a scream and realized that it was coming from my own mouth. Everything felt so distant, like I was there in the moment, but also like I wasn't there at all. I could feel everything. I could feel the sobs shaking my body. I could feel the confusion because I just couldn't fathom that my mommy wasn't invincible. As hard as I tried to will myself to call the police, distant Alaska wouldn't respond to my pleas, as if I was there with her, but she was unaware of my presence.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered quietly, finding myself still clutching the steering wheel and speeding towards the headlights. I couldn't even remember why I wasn't swerving.

I also couldn't remember why I had ever wanted to stay in the shithole we call life. All we did was wait for the inevitable. We wait for buses to come and for babies to be born. We wait for calls to appear on our phones from the ones we long for. We wait for. We wait as present becomes past and we chase the future that we all know will lead to the one inevitable thing: death.

Not that I wanted to die, I had just forgotten why humans fight so hard.

The headlights were too close now and I muttered, "shit." My oh-so-eloquent last words. Pudge would be so proud. Who has the time to come up with something witty or poetic to say in their final moments, anyway?

A sloppy and crude girl with sloppy and crude last words.

I closed my eyes and gave myself five seconds for it to be over.

5

he'll never know my last words

4

oh god, I hope there's no ceremony where people I hated say that they loved me so much

3

shit shit shit damn shit

2

i'm so sorry, Jake. and dad. and Pudge. and everyone else.

1

I am free.