Magic is what you want it to be

by OverMaster

The actual sequel to Unequally Rational and Emotional. The original story was getting too long, and somehow it was less depressing to write a sequel than to wake one day realizing I had just written three million words of Negi. Chisame and Satomi living together. Which I love, but also would make me wonder 'What have you done with your life, man'

1. Lesson 1

Mahora, the largest school that sits under the fabled World Tree. The academy of magic and wonders.

CLAMP Gakuen, the capital of games, competitions and willowy pretty boys. Where everything from Angelic Layers to card games, tank combat to miniature Gundam models, thumb wrestling to fanfic writing can be used as a means to prove superiority (it's right next door to Nerima, which explains a lot).

Ohtori, the refined school for the top of the elite, where public corruption is strictly banned, there's five things to check off on the part of the application that says 'sex', and both subversive meetings for the perverse and bizarre duels for the future of mankind are held in secret under the perfume of the roses.

Honnouji, the school the others do not dare speak of, the Prison School, where survival of the fittest is the daily motto, where the children of the mafia families attend classes, where the reincarnated warriors from yesterday wage war against each other split into factions, and people keep leaving large red letters lying around.

What will become of these Rival Schools in the dawn of this new era?

---

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own Mahou Sensei Negima!

I don't own any of these characters and franchises and I make no money from them.

Thanks to Shadow Crystal Mage for proofreading this chapter.

What you need to know!

- The Keys of the Kingdom is not canon for this sequel. Consider them alternate paths branching out from the same basic story.

- The Twenty Five Other Times Negi Made a Pactio chapters out yet might be eventual canon for this. You'll know when/if we ever get there.

- The first Unequally special (the Library Island-Dragon one), the Rito with see-through glasses one, the Fairy Tail mini chapter, and Yuuna and Skuld's Legend of Love Lingerie are all canon for this.

Nothing of the Method Acting chapter or the Arika chapter are canon for this.

On with the show, then!

---

Magic is what you want it to be.

The Further Adventures of Unequally Rational and Emotional.

---

Lesson One: Is This Thing Still Working?

---

"I have something I need to tell you," Saotome Haruna said. She was well aware she was starting that conversation in what had to be one of the worst possible ways.

"Then please tell me, Haruna-chan," Yuuki Rito told softly her, smiling shyly at her under the bright twilight sun falling over the playgrounds, near the iconic emperor penguin slide. She had texted him to come there after classes earlier that day, and he had made his way through more than half the campus as quickly as he could. He had no idea why Haruna had chosen such a childish place for a date, but he figured it had something to do with a desire from intimacy away from their peers, including Lala.

He only hoped that 'intimacy' didn't have anything to do with sex just yet. He simply wasn't ready just yet, dammit! And doubly so, he hoped it wasn't a sign for intimacy in front of children. That would have been even worse and more awkward.

That was, he doubted it was because of that, but you never knew with Haruna-chan. She had weird fetishes and quirks. Then again, hadn't that been part and parcel of why he fell for her?

Haruna hemmed, hawed and looked down, uncharacteristically uncomfortable and even blushing. Rito blushed back, taken aback by how cute she looked when she acted like that, her glasses fogging up his sight of her lovely dark round eyes. Then again, the always-on-the-edge-paranoid part of him began hoping desperately she hadn't been the victim of one of Lala's weird personality changing inventions. That, too, tended to happen a lot when Lala was an acquaintance of yours.

"So, um," Rito looked around, scratching the back of his neck with a hand, "I wonder where are all the kids who normally hang around here…?"

"I shooed them away under threats of violence," Haruna candidly said before finally gathering enough courage to look up at his face. "Rito-kun!" she confessed. "I've been hiding this from you for too long! I've been a nasty, mean, horrible cheating girlfriend! Not because I kissed a boy and liked it, but because I should have told about you it as soon as it happened so we could share the delights of threesomes with a cute shota!"

"BWEH?!" Rito said.

---

"Rito-chan!" Haruna fell to a knee before him, extending her arms. "The truth about my membership in the English Research Society is, I kissed Negi-kun, who is a mage, and gained magical powers from him! But you're still my number one boyfriend, the one I want to take my virginity! In fact, if you want it, you can do it right now and check for yourself I'm still pure! I even brought condoms! Do it rough, too! Punish your cheating bitch! Ah! Do me hard and cruelly, Rito-chan, I deserve it so much!"

"BWEEEEEEEH?!" Rito said.

Then a figure leaped from the bushes. "Saotome-san!" Itoshiki Nozomu cried, hangman's noose still firmly tied around his throat, a few knives stuck in his back. "I'm in Despair! I didn't want to believe it, but Evangeline-san was right in her suspicions! Your willingness to betray Ala Alba's secrets has left me in Despair!"

Haruna quickly moved in between him and the frozen, baffled Rito, her arms spread. "Sensei, no! I had to do it! He's my boyfriend! I couldn't keep living a lie with him! Don't do it!"

"Alas, I have to!" the thin, hakama-clad teacher produced a wooden ruler out. "You know Evangeline-san won't admit any more members in her resort! And we all agreed we wouldn't let the secret to keep spreading lest we all end up as ermines!"

Haruna stood her ground and yelled back at the stunned orange-haired boy, "Rito-chan, run! I'll hold him off!"

"Dweeeeehhhhhh… I was netorare'd?" Rito weakly babbled, his tearful eyes spinning.

"Bure, bure bure bure…" Itoshiki grimly chanted while aiming his ruler over Haruna's shoulder and at Rito's head.

---

"Rito-chan!" Haruna fell to one knee before him. "Please forgive your poor, salacious, but also very hot and understanding girlfriend! For, behind your back, at Kyoto, I kissed our teacher Negi-kun in the mouth in a hotel before all my friends! And, um, when you put it like that I guess it sounds really bad, but I only did it in a fit of anger and to show Yue off! Of course, then I learned Negi-kun was a mage so I just had to stick around him, but I swear I haven't kissed him since!"

"SAY WHAT?!" Rito shouted.

"You're the man I love… the most!" she grandly sobbed. "Please do whatever you want to my voluptuous and buxom body to punish me, but don't leave me! Without you, I don't know what I'd do! No other man would ever take me, they're all too beta!"

Rito, from pale lividness, quickly went into Hot Blooded Shounen rage, tightening a fist. "I'LL MOIDER THE CHIBI BUM!" he promised.

"Oh, Rito-chan, please no!" Haruna begged. "That's not like you! Why are you reacting like that? You didn't do it the first time! And where the hell did that accent come from? An abridged card game series?"

He blinked, momentarily pulled from his white hot fury by such a strange thing to say. "Eh? What do you mean by that?"

Then a small red-haired boy in a nice green suit with dark tie jumped out of the bushes, a wooden staff at the ready. "Saotome-san! What happened to Itoshiki-sensei? And what have just told—"

"YOU!" Rito spat steam at him, his muscles tensing. Meager as they were.

"Negi-kun, wait!" Haruna asked. "You too, Rito! We can talk this over! I'm sure we can reach a peaceful—"

"MMMMNNGHH GRROARRRR!" Rito said as he charged Negi, rather pathetically.

The boy aimed at him with the bandaged staff. "Ras Tel Mas Scir Magister!"

---

Haruna fell to one knee before him. "Please forgive me, Rito-chan! I was weak and succumbed to the temptations of the flesh! I did something I never should have done… without telling you first! I have been a naughty, bad girl, Rito-chan, and I… I… well, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I should have known you would—!"

"Oi, oi, Haruna-chan!" he told her. "Give yourself a break! I'm sure you couldn't have done anything too bad! Don't start blowing things outta proportion now…!"

She sniffed. "W-Well, I haven't blown anything OR anyone yet, but still… Look, I kissed Negi-kun in the mouth, but not because I love him or anything, well, maybe just a bit, but nowhere as much as I love you! But please take this easy because he's a mage and otherwise he'll erase your memory… again!"

"… what did you just say?!" Rito gasped, his jaw dislodging.

Skuld jumped out of the bushes with a massive futuristic rifle in her hands. "Oh, for Father's sake, Haruna-san! You lovesick wench, selling us out like this! Now you've forced me to use this!"

"… ah?" Rito said.

"Oh, fuck no, this is going too far!" Haruna growled, cutting loose with a devastating spinning kick at Skuld's midsection.

"Wait, no, this only erases memories, much like—UUUHHHHHH!" Skuld cried as she was kicked in the stomach, then doubled unto herself on the ground, twitching before falling unconscious.

"… you just killed her?" a flabbergasted Rito asked.

Haruna sighed and looked up or a moment. There was a beat. "Lightning bolts from above hasn't fried me yet, so I should hope not… though technically I there's I chance she might be a Fallen now or something, and if I remember my American comics right, Heaven is pretty okay with you killing those… "

---

Evangeline looked at the huge pile of unconscious Ala Alba members by the playground. Then she stared blankly at Haruna and nodded. "Okay, fine, you win then. If this is the kind of power boost your laughable 'power of love' gives you, then I can respect that enough to allow you to bring your boytoy in…"

"Oh, thank you very much, dear and great Eva-sama!" Haruna fell to one knee before her, and began planting lots of kisses on her hands.

"The feet, Saotome! The feet! If you're going to be a shameless suck-up, then at least do it right!" Evangeline growled in disgust before looking at the passively standing Rito. "You're taking all these news remarkably well, all things considered."

The boy spoke in a slow, stilted, almost lifeless intonation, "Somehow, it's just the same as reliving a recurring nightmare…" There was a pause. "Wow, she's really going to town on your feet, isn't she. Okay, I guess we can confirm she's cool with feet stuff… uh, are you okay? Why are your legs shaking and what's that liquid suddenly running down your legs…?"

---

"... okay, I remember allowing this gnat in, although in my defense I think I was drunk at the time. It's all a weird blur from whatever weird thing Saotome did to my feet that made me black out in pleasure," Evangeline, arms folded, said as she studied the smiling pink haired buxom girl with a tail that stood before her at the resort's main entrance, with Rito awkwardly standing a short way behind. "But you? I don't remember ever saying they could bring you in..."

"I'm Lala, Rito's fiancee! And Yue's too!" Lala happily raised a hand. "You must be Chachamaru, right!"

Eva glared coldly at Haruna. "I guess her being legally retarded would make it difficult for anyone to believe her, but..."

"It's okay, it's okay!" Lala waved a hand. "I have a shocking, troubling, highly volatile secret that is still blatantly obvious of my own, so we're even! You'll see, I'm... a space alien! Well, you are the aliens, but let's not split hairs. I'm not from this planet!"

"Oh, you sure ain't," Eva deadpanned.

"She's for real, Eva-chan..." Haruna said.

"So she isn't a wacko cosplayer pretending to be an alien?" Misa asked. "Because even Suzumiya-sempai wasn't falling for that one..."

"Wacko... cosplayer... because cosplayers have to be weirdos... of course..." Chisame muttered to herself, her shadowed face low, speaking weakly enough so only herself and Matoi (standing a foot behind her) could hear her.

"That's bullshit!" Eva pointed at Lala. "If aliens existed, I'd have met one during my lifetime! And I never did, and I've met every form of supernatural or abnormal species that ever existed!"

"Isn't Superman-sama an alien?" Sakurako wondered.

"Everyone knows he's a super soldier created by the US government, Saku-chan..." Misa waved a finger.

"But, Twilight-neesama said—" Asuna began.

"But I'm from outer space!" Lala insisted. "I'm the firstborn Princess of the Deviluke Empire!"

Evangeline rolled her eyes. "Oh, of course! Because you couldn't be just any run of the mill alien, you have to be a princess on top of everything! Next you'll be telling me Boya is a prince too!"

Itoshiki awkwardly shifted around on his sandaled feet.

"Sku-chan?" Makie turned to her Magistra.

Skuld took off the hand that had been covering her own face. "Evangeline-san," she said. "Have you ever stopped to think the field that surrounds the school making everyone prone to disapprove the existence of creatures beyond their circle of experiences might have afflicted you as well, since the Thousand Master's—"

"Of course not, because that's ridiculous!" Eva snapped.

"Are you taking into account that is a goddess, asking you to take the existence of aliens seriously?" Yuuna asked.

"She should know, since she's nothing but a Sufficiently Advanced Alien herself..." Satomi mumbled. She and Skuld then briefly poked their tongues out at each other.

"Oh dear..." Lala took a hand to her own mouth. "How could I prove my extraterrestrial nature to you, then...?"

"You have a freaking tail coming out of your butt!" Chisame yelled, pointing at the moving appendage behind Lala.

"So do the ermine, the mutt boy, and Miyazaki's flying puppet, and guess what? They all can be explained away by perfectly rational magical reasons!" Evangeline told her.

"How about arm wrestling?" Haruna asked.

The rest of Ala Alba, as well as Rito and Lala, turned to look at her. "I-I beg your pardon?" Ai stammered. "Sorry, but surely I misheard you when I heard you were perhaps suggesting Lala-sempai should armwrestle with Evangeline-sama herself...?"

---

"... I think I need a cigarette," a mildly dazed Eva said as she rotated her arm, both her and Lala now standing above a gigantic crater on the ground. "That's two non-vaginal orgasms in one day. Wow, I really miss getting laid for real again… "

"That was a lot of fun!" Lala chirped brightly. "So, um, which one of us won anyway?"

Negi picked himself up from where and the others had been blown away by the last moment of the epic struggle. "I... I think you'll need to do it again, since I missed the last instant of—"

"NO, NO, JUST NO!" Rito, Chisame, Chamo, Asuna, Setsuna, Satomi, Misora, Misa, Sakurako, Haruka, Haruna, Itoshiki, Skuld, Keiichi, Yuuna and even Ayaka screamed at him at once from several points of the dust cloud-covered landscape.

"You can hang around," Eva nodded, "but you still aren't an alien, you know."

"Of course not, you're the aliens, but—"

"THAT'S NOT RIGHT EITHER, BUT JUST FORGET IT, OKAY?!"

---

"So," Misa said, "then you are the princess of an intergalactic empire controlling hundreds of planets?"

"Yep!" Lala nodded.

"You're also willing to marry multiple partners of either gender, have your own squads of devoted soldiers, are a multi-disciplinary genius, and are incredibly hot to boot," Misa continued.

"A-yep!" Lala said, all honesty.

"And yet all it takes to get engaged with you is to pull on your tail..."

"Yeah, that's basically the gist of it!" Lala confirmed.

Misa quickly reached over for her tail. Even more quickly, Lala pulled it up and away from her.

Lala wagged a finger. "It doesn't work like that, I'm sorry..."

"But...!"

"Rito and Yue did it without any greed in their hearts. They weren't into it for my money, power, influence, genius, incredible hotness or humility!" Lala said.

"They did it BY ACCIDENT, though!" Misa protested.

"Ahhhhh, that's beside the point..."

"And Haruna's like fifteen times greedier than me!" Misa complained, pointing at her grinning classmate, who had snuck up on the alleged alien and was now tugging repeatedly on Lala's tail from behind, making her moan and cross her legs intensely.

The white brooch with swirly eyes on Lala's hair actually sweatdropped. "Kakizaki-sama, please, just stop trying to figure it out, will you? The folly of trying to prove Lala-sama wrong is only surpassed by that of trying to make sense of her fiances' actions..."

"Holy shit, now the brooch is talking too! You heard it as well, didn't you, Chisame-chan?" Misa quickly backed away. Chisame's head bashing against a wall could be heard steadily from not too far away.

Peke just sighed. She thought longingly of going online later so she could rant at Senketsu-kun and Symbiote-chan on their online forum…

---

A shriek of terror reverberated through the cool air of the early morning, and Yuuki Rito woke up. For a moment, even he thought he had been the one to scream. It made sense, since Lala was, as usual, sleeping on top of him, her nude body separated from his pajama-clad version only by the not-all-that-thick blanket between them...

Down, Boner-kun, Rito mentally commanded with the practiced efficiency of a Zen master before sitting up carefully, making the yawning Lala back away from his futon, rubbing her eyes. He readied the morning's chiding speech, since he already had gone through the requisite morning scream and boner chastising, and—

Then he noticed he was in the same bedroom he had been sharing with Negi-sensei, Despair-sensei and Morisato-sempai last night, and that all three of them were bundled together into a corner, staring at them in wide-eyed shock, a long trail of bedcovers and sheets between them and their own futons. Negi-sensei's talking ermine was shortly away, twitching on the floor, his legs randomly scratching against a pool of his own nose blood.

Rito wondered if that was how Mikan felt all the time.

---

"So you're sexually active now?" Misa asked over the breakfast table. "Man, I really sold you short, Sempai."

"We're not!" Rito protested.

Sakurako looked at Haruna. "And doesn't that bother you? I mean, not in a sense of jealousy, since you've got designs on both, but aren't you feeling left out?"

"They aren't doing that yet," and one of Haruna's eyebrows quivered twice. "How many times do I have to tell you, I'd have been invited already if they were? Right, Lala-chan?"

"Right!" Lala nodded rapidly, licking a few crumbs of cereal off her lips. The milk around them gave an added effect that made Itoshiki and Keiichi visibly uncomfortable.

"I dearly hope you are using protection, Saotome-san," Ayaka very seriously stated. "I'm stretching the rules enough as it is by allowing this to slide without a call to the Principal, and only because I'm not sure yet whether the laws of a foreign, well, alien government take precedence over those of Mahora when one of their own is involved..."

"Well, they sure shouldn't!" a furious Haruka snarled.

"We aren't using protection because—!" Rito said before descending into sobs. "Oh, oh, why do I bother...!"

"Ooooo, Sempai likes living dangerously," Yuuna mercilessly teased. "What a bad boy...!"

"Can I take these off already? I really want to hear an explanation about why I have to—" Negi asked Chisame, pointing at the earphones completely attached to his head by a variety of means including liberal usage of wrapping tape.

"Not until breakfast's over!" Chisame said while gesturing to him to that effect.

---

"Well, what about that Gah Lak Tus thing that showed up over America five years ago?" Asuna argued as the girls sat on the sand, all lined up, and Negi whistled through the air and past them. She was finding this conversation to be a pleasant enough distraction from Ayaka's distressed sobbing and pleas to stop the fight.

"What about it?" Makie asked back.

"Well," Asuna said. "That was an alien, wasn't it? I mean, what else could it be? A huge-ass thing appears in the sky and says it's going to eat Earth, it's not like it could come from anywhere but outer space! So it had to be an alien!"

"Actually, I heard it was a creature made from a supergenius superhero turned supervillain to try and force all countries to work together and prevent World War III from ever taking place, or something like that," Yuuna said.

Negi worked back up to his feet, wiped the blood off his mouth with the back of a hand, and smiled at Lala, who floated at the other end of the arena, suspended by the wings on her poofy hat.

"You didn't lose any teeth, did you, Sensei?!" Ayaka cried.

Negi blinked, put a finger into his mouth, counted his teeth one by one while feeling them, and smiled at her. "They're all okay, Iinchou-san!"

"Thank Heavens!" Ayaka sighed, then looked at Konoka. "You can fix broken teeth, can't you?"

Konoka sweatdropped. "If they're sent flying off, no, of course I can't make them grow back. Now," she rubbed her chin thoughtfully, "attaching them back? Hmmmm, I haven't ever tried that... It might be interesting...?"

Ayaka grimaced. "Please forget I said anything."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," Asuna was saying. "Why is that so much harder to accept than an alien?"

"Maybe it was a creature that rose from the depths of the ocean, like Gojira-sama?" Sora wondered, making the sign of the kaiju with one hand in reflexive warding of a giant monster attack.

"Then why not consume Earth from down below instead of announcing it so the superheroes could kick its ass, huh?" Chisame grumbled.

"That's a good point, actually," Makie nodded before looking at Skuld. "Sku-chan, tell us, was that an alien or not?"

"Why must you always resort to her as if she's some sort of supplier of universal truths?" Satomi grumbled. "That's demeaning to us human beings! We should sort the truths of the universe on our own!"

"It was an alien, if you are willing to count an entity who actually came from the universe that existed before the Big Bang and just happened to travel through the galaxies of our own universe afterwards as an 'alien'," Skuld shrugged. "But I think that's oversimplifying things."

"See? I told you! It was an alien! I think..." Asuna said.

Satomi put a hand on her own face. "Oh please! The very notion of an universe existing before the Big Bang, which by its definition is the start of existence itself, is laughable! If there was existence before existence, then it wasn't a Big Bang!"

"It was another type of existence!" Skuld argued.

"Oh, yes? And how would you happen to be so sure about that? Is your alleged race of 'divine beings' rooted in that time period, as well? Oh, wait, it couldn't be, because there were no time periods before the Big Bang! There was no time, period!" Hakase taunted.

"Satomi-chan, please, you are embarrassing me and our daughter," Sakurako said.

Chachamaru's eyelids moved up and down, although it was not quite a blink in the human sense of the word. Having two mothers was complicated enough on its own, now she was supposed to have three...?

Negi violently land at her feet then, snapping her out of that vexed pondering. "Negi-sensei!" she said, initiating an immediate medical scan even as he stood up groggily. "Perhaps you should stop the training session for the day..."

Lala nodded as she softly landed on her feet not too far. She had a few slight bruises on her, but she was not looking any actual worse for wear. Amazingly, considering Lala and Negi had been involved in the fight, she displayed no major clothing damage either, just a few ragged edges that made Peke slightly squirm in mild pain. "She's right, Sensei. Maybe you have started setting too high a target for yourself? I always could call on Zastin to help you while you find your footing..."

"I... FIGHT... ON!" Negi protested, readying a fist and charging Lala again before falling on his face, snoring weakly. "Daddy...!" he whimpered in sudden dreams.

Haruna pulled back the hand that had just pinched his neck from behind. Then she tilted her head back to the other Ministra. "My pleasure. Well, not really, but I'll accept your thanks anyway."

Haruna suddenly felt a hand coming down hard on her shoulder, spinning her around. She suddenly found herself looking at Chisame's eyes from way too close a vantage point, so close she could hear Tsunetsuki growling from a foot away. Chisame's eyes bored into her with an intensity that would have fit in very well back home.

"Teach me how to do that to him," Chisame said, sounding very creepy. "Now."

"Who is this 'Zastin' you mentioned anyway, Sempai?" asked Misa.

---

Long after bedtime for everybody else:

Under the pale light of the false moon in the resort's sky, Lala calmly blocked Negi's barrage of blows alternating with her legs and arms, carefully studying his motions all the while.

"That's a style I'm not used to," she said, although the ease she had been displaying would have said otherwise. "Is it a martial art native to Earth?"

"Kenpo," Negi said, clenching his teeth while trying to land a solid hit on her. Compared to his test fight with Chachamaru, Lala moved a bit more smoothly but putting less power in her attack and defense. Then again, he was mostly sure she really wasn't trying hard, which was oddly frustrating. On the other hand, since his very chance for continued study under Evangeline were not under any immediate risk here, he suspected he subconsciously wasn't trying as hard as he did back then, either. "Ku Fei-san taught me the basics of it."

Those thoughts frustrated Negi even more, so he pushed himself even harder to press on the attack, only to find, to his confusion, Lala was blocking him with greater ease now. She smiled gently at him. "You're losing focus. You should keep a clear mind while fighting. At least while you don't have anything to prove just yet!"

He stepped back a bit, regaining some breath. "Every fight means something to prove, on one level or another."

"Really?" she stretched up, her tail curving. "Well, for a warrior, yes, I suppose. But I was under the impression you were more of a scholar than a warrior."

"I... I have to be both until I find my father," he confessed, studying her apparently careless current pose for any opening to exploit.

"And after you do that?" she asked him.

"I'm not sure yet. I guess it'll depend on what he wants for me."

"Ah," she said. "And what if he leaves it up on what do you want for yourself?"

Negi made a long silence before just rushing at her with a side axe-kick that she had to sidestep at the last moment. "Ah! Good one!"

"I don't know," Negi bounced back a bit, holding his own defense, waiting for a retaliation that didn't come. Lala just kept smiling at him. "Do you really think that would happen? And could you please try somewhat harder? Ku-san wouldn't go that easy on me..."

"Okay!" Lala chirped, and then, before he knew what was happening, she had playfully slapped him on a side of his head and slammed him against a nearby wall. "As for your other question... well, my dad left it up to me, why wouldn't yours? I mean, yeah, he'd go through the motions of trying to set all those arranged marriages for me, but once I rejected each one, he wouldn't keep trying with the same guys, and I imagine he's okay with Rito and Yue. Otherwise he'd have blown Earth up by now the way he did Eltar. I wonder if he's really aware yet we're a serious item, though. Perhaps I should pay him a call..."

"You really mean—" Negi gurgled, picking himself back up with no small effort. "Uhhhh, never mind." Since he was sure that was a field of discussion he was not ready to tackle at the moment. Instead, he asked, "How are you so good at fighting? Are you a warrior, then?"

"Nope, I don't like fighting at all!" she answered, helping him back up. Negi found that mildly annoying as well. Ku and Evangeline wouldn't act like that in the middle of a spar, even though Ku would do it after she was done cleaning his clock. Still, he had to be thankful, so he bowed politely at her. "But we're expected to take good care of ourselves, and we have to display at least some battle competence as heiresses for the Emperor, so..." she shrugged carelessly.

Negi breathed out, impressed, as he regarded how matter-of-factly did she take everything.

"I'm not sure, however," she added, "I should be teaching you anything until you finish your training with Haruna's roommate. You shouldn't start learning a new fighting style until you have mastered the one you had been using beforehand."

"It's okay, I can multitask," he said, rotating his right arm back into place and retaking a battle stance. "And besides... I don't really want to keep pulling any more of my students into this. Ku-san gave me a good starting point, but if I have to draw her into my quest to master her Kenpo... perhaps I should start looking elsewhere for my fighting style."

"Hmmmmm," Lala pondered slowly. And then, "You are a bit stupid for such a smart guy, aren't you, Negi-sensei?"

"Yeah, I hear that a— Eeeeehhh? Why'd you say that?!" Negi protested.

Lala sighed and shook her head sadly. He was so dense! Not like Rito at all, who was so perceptive and sensitive. She didn't really get the appeal.

Somewhere, a statistically nigh non-existent number of lesbians and bisexuals in Mahora and other universes sneezed. You thought we were done with the sneeze gag, huh? Well, guess what!

Then she casually swatted him away again.

---

"Uwaaaa, it's pouring now..." Lala said as she and the others stepped out on the porch of the cabin, looking at the darkened skies that unleashed a thick rain over Mahora. "But, maybe I have something here that might help...?" she hummed, beginning to reach into her cleavage.

"No! For the love of God, no!" Rito said, grabbing her wrist and pulling it away from her chest.

"Yuuki-san!" Negi frowned. "That's no way to treat a lady!"

"Sensei, you have no idea what might happen if Lala tries one of her inventions here!" the other boy argued.

"Like what?" asked Misa.

"She could get all of us NAKED!" Rito said.

A long silence where everyone else but Lala stared at a sheepish Negi ensued.

"You don't say," Asuna finally said, voice flat. "Oboy, it'll be just great to have another one around!"

"Ha ha ha ha!" Eva laughed with her fists on her hips. "Welcome to the gray and miserable outside world, where I don't hold control over the elements and you'll have to walk under the cold, freezing rain because you didn't have the foresight to bring umbrellas, while I sit down inside comfortable drinking cocoa and playing my X-Box! Sucks to be you, doesn't it?"

"Um, you're aware I can draw umbrellas for all of us, right?" Haruna asked.

"That won't be necessary, Saotome-san," Chachamaru softly said while starting to distribute umbrellas between everyone, receiving grateful nods from Negi, Makie and most others. "We happened to have these lying around, so you're welcome to use them..."

"GAH! What are you doing, idiot, that's MY expensive fine collection!" Evangeline cried. "Damn it, that one just came from Gotham! It was custom made!"

"Oh, don't worry, we'll bring them back tomorrow," Asuna said, opening the pink, frilly umbrella given to her. "Like I'd want to be seen with this for any long..."

"Well, if you don't like it, just don't take it with you at all!" the vampire snapped.

"I don't have to carry one," Itoshiki gently tried to refuse the one Chachamaru had just handed him. "I'm sure I can walk all the way home without dying from pneumonia or drowning myself into a river, honestly..."

Chachamaru just firmly pushed the umbrella further into his hands until he opened it with a resigned sigh. "And please remember," she told him, "now you have to live until tomorrow, since you have to give it back by then. That's your duty as a gentleman..."

"Why do you keep giving me things to return every day, Karakuri-san?!" the man lamented. "I am in Despair! Good intentions that pave the road to personal hell drive me to Despair!"

Your father wanted you to survive your birth, so he placed an immortality curse on you.

Akamatsu wanted to give you more Negima, so he gave you UQ Holder.

Hugo Chavez, el Presidente del pueblo.

In this movie sequel, we'll put the double of what audiences liked in the first film!

I want my children to grow safe and happy, so I'll hide all decadent family secrets from them!

I want to create a great epic, so I'll procrastinate like hell outlining the plot and 'doing research'.

You want to make your universe easy to understand, so you write Flashpoint.

Comics writers want to create more diversity in their characters, so they take a well-loved existing character and either kill them to replace them with an ethnic stereotype or just make them black.

A company wants to make a Space Moses movie, so that means Brandon Routh can't play Space Moses on TV, so he's a nerdy rip-off of Robert Downey Jr.

Makie blinked, looking up at the rather long list that had just appeared over their heads as the lanky teacher sobbed quietly to himself. "How did you do that...?"

"Don't ask and just start moving," Matoi advised as she followed Chisame, Negi and the others away from the cabin, heading towards the dormitories.

"Fu," Evangeline said once they were far enough. "You know, if they mess with any of my umbrellas, you're paying double for them."

"I'm well aware, Master," Chachamaru stoically said.

Then the blonde took a sharp stare into the depths of the night. "Hmmm?"

"What is it, Master?"

After a moment of doubt, she shook her head. "Nothing. I thought I had felt something... but no, it couldn't be. Not here, certainly..."

"You can't feel anything supernatural when you are just a normal human anyway."

"Oh, just shut that metal trap of yours already!"

---

"Is this the place?" a small voice whispered in the darkness.

"Mother said this was the place," a second tiny voice confirmed, as it moved through the wetness.

"It's a pretty place," a third diminutive voice sighed, as something very little and liquid rose from the puddles all over the main female dorm building's front yard, manifesting two very round eyes that stared at the mass of the building, almost longingly.

"Is she in there?" the first voice asked.

"She should. I mean, it's past the curfew now, isn't it?" the second voice replied. "Who checked the schedule, again?"

"I did," said the first, "but you know kids these days, always breaking the rules just because they can! And this one's supposed to be a troublemaker, right?"

"Not a troublemaker, just an idiot..." the third living water thingy said.

"Heh heh, you talk like an old lady!"

"I do not!" protested the one who had checked the schedule.

"You do, all the time! You just did! You've just done it again! You sound like Arai Satomi in sci-fi show about lesbians! And 'kids these days'? How old are you, again?"

"I was born one full minute after you, bitch!"

"Girls, girls, please..." the third one groaned softly. "Mother and the Master will be upset if we botch this up, remember?"

"Right," the first one said, "but we shouldn't move in if she's not there."

"Well, you said it's time for her to be in, so she should be in, dammit!" the second one snapped. "What do you want us to do, to stay here all night long until we see her walking in? If she's already in, we'll have just wasted the whole night!"

"I never said we should do that, but—"

Then they saw a rather large group of girls, along a short boy in a nice suit, walking in, several feet away from them, chattering amongst themselves while under a collection of colorful, obviously pricey umbrellas that shouldn't really have been used for what umbrellas are supposed to be for.

She was one of those girls.

After the front doors closed behind them, one of the small liquid creatures turned to the others. "What were you just saying about the curfew and the schedule?"

"Oh, just shut up and let's move it already."

---

While white petals flew all around them, Miyazaki Nodoka pulled herself free from the grasp of the gently smiling woman with curls who had invited her to dance with her, and placed the Clow Staff against her forehead.

"Return to your original form! Clow Card!" Nodoka shouted. Still smiling, the woman was pulled back into a small card form, which floated down into Nodoka's waiting hand.

"The Flower," Nodoka read aloud from it.

"Well, what else could have it been?" Yue walked closer, brushing petals off herself and turning her phone camera off. "You okay, Nodoka?"

"Of course she's okay! She did a great job!" Kerberos flew around his protégé's head. "You caught The Flower in a record time, Nodoka!"

"Thanks," the shy girl smiled while writing her own name on the back of the card. "So, Kero-san, what does this card do?"

"It creates flowers and flower petals out of nowhere," Kero said.

"And what else?" Yue asked.

"That's it," said the plush lion.

"Seriously?" Nodoka sounded disappointed.

"That isn't going to be of much help in fights," Yue observed.

"Well, not all of them can be powerhouses," Kero shrugged. "Master Clow didn't create them to be artifacts of war. This he used to cheat at flower shows."

They left the deserted shooting range behind, glad to leave before anyone could see them, or any damage had been done to the place. Nodoka opened the umbrella she had brought along, Yue did the same with hers, and they started their way back towards the dorms at a sedate pace since the rain was not that strong yet.

They were in no special hurry. While it was past curfew time by now, the Headmaster had given them special emergency passes so they could perform their emergency Card capture duties without being apprehended and punished by the Dorm Mother. The stern woman everyone in Mahora (except for Satsuki and Sagara Sousuke) dreaded had protested about it at first, but she still had to relent eventually, although she wouldn't stop staring venomously at Nodoka and Yue whenever they crossed paths now. That creeped Yue to no end, but she supposed it still was better than the alternative. With any luck they wouldn't run into her tonight.

"You know," Yue said while checking the video file they'd give Haruna. To be fully honest, Yue could understand Paru's hobby of watching Nodoka's exploits. She couldn't possibly call it creepy anymore, considering that she also kept copies for herself. "I've been thinking about it, Nodoka, and for once Paru might be right. You really should push for your own Pactio."

Nodoka blushed and shook her head, without looking at Yue. "N-No, I couldn't! Negi-sensei already has too many partners to train, and I'd be a bother. B-Besides, like I can compare to them... I mean, in how useful we can be for him, I mean, for his goals."

"Nonsense," Yue argued. "You saw how powerful that Psycho Purple-san's Artifact was. That's your destiny, Nodoka. And you know Negi-sensei will have need for that Artifact sooner or later."

"Maybe," Nodoka allowed softly. "But Yue, th-then you should get yourself a Pactio like Valkyrie Black-san's, too!"

Now it was Yue's turn to blush. "What? N-No! That's different! Your Artifact is unique, while mine -"

"You didn't get to see Valkyrie Black-san in action," the Card Captor reminded her. "She was an incredible fighter!"

"All the more reason to doubt I could ever fill that role," replied Yue.

"Are we having this conversation AGAIN?" Kero complained.

"Yue-Yue, she was just like you at first!" Nodoka said. "I'm sure you can be as useful in battle as Asuna-san, Suzushiro-sempai and Iinchou-san with enough effort!"

Her best friend looked away uneasily. "I couldn't be as good as them, because ... because I'm afraid," she confessed in a tiny voice.

And then Nodoka's hand was on her own.

"So am I," she heard Nodoka's own whispered admission. "But maybe, if we put both our fears together, we might find the courage to overcome them?"

After a moment of doubt, Yue squeezed the small warm hand in her own, and half-smiled.

"Who knows? Stranger things have happened."

Kero groaned to himself as his tiny winds kept on flapping in the cold nocturnal air. "Whatever happened to being strong, independent magical girls with no need for men? Honestly."

Then he paused in his flight, staring into the distance. "Hmm?" he said. "Nodoka, do you see that?"

"What?" Nodoka blinked, following his gaze with hers and then gasping as she noticed what he was pointing towards with a tiny plush paw. It was a small black dog slowly advancing towards them on shaky, erratic legs, whimpering weakly before collapsing onto a puddle of icy water. "Oh, no! Poor thing!" she gasped, rushing to the dog and crouching down to check on it, placing her hand on its chest and checking its heartbeat.

Yue approached them at a more tranquil pace. "What happened to... him?" she completed her sentence after a quick glance between the dog's legs. And what a him. "Maybe Ako-san could take a look at him."

"I-I don't know," Nodoka gasped, running a hand over the injured animal's head, petting him softly as to calm his nervous, twitching, scared mood. "It looks like someone beat him up pretty badly! Who could do such an awful thing to a poor puppy...?"

Yue could barely stop herself from cracking a deadpan 3-F joke, which was a shame in her opinion since she thought it was a great one, but probably not the best thing to say under the circumstances. "Are you sure you can move him, then?" she dubiously asked while Nodoka set her umbrella aside and gently scooped the stray up in her arms, never minding the rainwater soaking her. "What if you just end up hurting him more?"

"Well, what else can I do? Just leaving him here until someone else arrives? He'll catch his death before that, Yue-Yue. D-Don't worry, the dorms are close enough anyway, aren't they?"

Yue sighed while picking the umbrella Nodoka had discarded with her free hand and began following her friend, now at a definitely more vigorous walk. "I guess they are." Then she noticed Kero had stayed behind, close to ground level, and looked back at him. "What's up now, Kero-san?" she asked.

"I'm not sure myself," Kero hummed, flapping back up while holding something he had just found and lifted from another puddle at the side of the walk, "But I can feel a powerful magical pulse coming from this thing. I'd like taking it home and studying it, just in case."

And in the event it wasn't dangerous but still valuable, perhaps selling it through the Maginet, he pondered. He needed more videogames and sweets, after all.

Yue made one of her small cute scowls as she looked at the small black bottle, seemingly empty but very tightly topped by a seal that kept it firmly closed, and considered its weight in her hand for a moment. "Well, if you say so... you're the expert on these things, after all..." she deferred to him before blinking, realizing Nodoka had put a lot of ground between herself and them by this point, and then just hurried after her, stuffing the bottle into her breast pocket. "Oi, Nodoka! Wait for me just a second, please!"

Kero followed them as fast as he could as well, and soon the four of them had pretty much disappeared from sight into the rain.

It was only then that the person who had been following the trail of the dog arrived to the location of that fateful meeting.

The small blonde person in black crouched by the point where the dog had fallen, took a careful look at Nodoka and Yue's footsteps, and then her cold, analytical eyes went into the direction of said steps across the muddy, narrow path.

The hunter stood back up, frowned in a chilling silence, extended an arm, flexed her fingers, and the whole arm became a very large and sharp axe.

---

"And then Lala-chin said, 'No, but I didn't kill him either'! Ha ha ha ha!" Haruna laughed, then splashed the water of the pool she was in, along with Makie, Yuuna, Skuld, Ayaka, Sora, Satomi, Misa and Sakurako. Haruka had excused herself saying she had important things to work on, and Chisame never shared the baths with the others unless she really needed to. Ai, as usual, had retreated quickly after a blur of frantic apologies, no doubt thinking she'd only bother the others with her presence. Asuna needed to go sleep early because of her paper route, and so Konoka and Setsuna had gone with her as well. Misora and Cocone, of course, had to sneak into the church before Sister Shakti could catch them, and so they also were absent. As for Lala, she had gone home with Rito, which was no obstacle for most of the conversation to gravitate around her.

"For someone raised in the luxury of royalty, Deviluke Hime-sama definitely can be quite troublesome," Ayaka said while rubbing one side of her scalp with a hand towel, her eyes closed. "I can't imagine what kind of culture she hails from..."

"Then again, her being a super strong alien warrior comes handy, doesn't it?" Yuuna wondered aloud. "I mean, we were falling short in the frontline. Eva was saying we relied too much on Asuna, Setsuna and the Vice Prez, and short of calling Kaede and Ku-chan in..."

"At least we know them well," Ayaka muttered, still clearly embittered over the ways she thought Negi had been looking at Lala over the training session. Since none of those present was Asuna, none of those present dared point out her reasons to her face. "The way Lala Hime-sama describes that father of hers gives me chills, and the worst part is how casual she is about it..."

"On the plus side," Misa argued, "if we're her pals, we'll be spared when the aliens invade Earth and make mankind their slaves at the salt mines. We might even get an office at the local government!"

The other girls, even Sora, stared at her.

"What?" Misa asked. "I'm only trying to keep a positive outlook! Besides, this is Japan. Nepotism is a thing."

Haruna of all people was about to crossly chide her on the subject, since she had been raised on the 'A martial artist's duty is to protect their people while getting as much free food as possible' school of thought after all, but bit her tongue when she saw several other girls entering the baths.

"Ah. Guys," said Kugimiya Madoka, coming to a halt as her gaze met those of Misa and Sakurako.

"Hey, Madoka. What's up," Misa blandly said, waving mildly at her.

There was a short pause.

Then one of the three girls who had just arrived with Kugimiya Madoka blinked and raised an eyebrow. "So. What's up, indeed? You're roommates, aren'tcha? Why are you talking as if―"

"Because," Misa interrupted Suzumiya Haruhi with a smile, waving a hand in a circle, "lately it does kinda feel like Madoka and us don't meet more than once a―"

"Please cut it out, Misa. It's been a long enough night as it is," a somewhat annoyed Madoka said, undoing her towel and entering the water, choosing to sit down next to Sakurako instead. The fortunate cheerleader made polite room for her, then didn't look so lucky for once, as she sat somewhat awkwardly between Misa and Madoka, caught between the rather cold glances they shot each other.

Sakurako shot Satomi a discreet pleading gaze, but Satomi could do nothing about it all but shrug her shoulders.

Suzumiya chuckled as she entered the water as well, pulling Asahina Mikuru in by an arm. Nagato Yuki, as expressionless as ever, followed suit shortly after. "Why can't some people just accept it when their friends' interests pull them away from them?"

"It goes both ways, Sempai," Yuuna said.

"We should know, seeing how we're drifting from Ako and Akira too..." Makie sort-of-mumbled, as cutely gloomy as she could ever get. Which was still far more 'cute' than 'gloomy', but at least she tried.

"Of course it does," Haruhi easily agreed with Yuuna, either completely failing to hear Makie or completely failing to care to ask what she was talking about. "I was speaking for both sides of the conflict."

"There's no conflict between us!" Misa and Madoka snapped as one.

"I'll take that synch as proof there isn't," Haruhi smiled, rotating an arm in circles.

Ayaka frowned. "And, may I ask what were you doing up so late, outside?" she asked, eyeing the soaked umbrellas the SOS Brigade's girls had left by the door, next to Evangeline's.

"Drawing contact circles on the grass for the aliens, naturally," Haruhi explained, then slyly added, "I mean, the real aliens, not the delusional cosplayers with pink dye and fake tails."

Makie blinked, then patted herself on the crotch. "You mean Lala-sempai? She doesn't dye, hers is as pink as I am..."

Haruhi looked down between Makie's legs. "... there's no hair there at all..."

"There is!" Makie protested. "One only has to look closely!"

Haruhi began leaning ahead as much as she could towards Makie, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth. "Seriously...? Hm, I don't know, maybe―"

"Sempai!" Madoka growled, grabbing Harubi by an ear and violently pulling her back before she could literally stick her face into Makie's crotch.

"What's the matter? She was asking for it! Anyway, why were you guys out late, then? What's with you and those guys you take with you into the woods, anyway?"

Everyone in the circle of Negi's associates but Haruna, who just smiled, jerked back in surprise. Sora even began to choke in her saliva and broke into frantic trembling. "Excuse me... but what, if anything, are you trying to imply?" Ayaka defensively asked.

"Well, duh, what do you think?" Haruhi asked back. "Unlike all other clubs, you have your quarters away from everybody else, deep into the woods. Something even I couldn't get for us! You have two teachers as your advisers instead of one, again something even I couldn't pull off either, and you hang out with college students, which is a big no-no for everyone else, EVEN US..." this was said with a non-subtle glance towards Sora, who sank further down into the water until only her nose and the top of her head were visible.

"One of our teachers is only a child, so the faculty graciously conceded us another one to help him," Yuuna, regaining her pose, answered with practiced smoothness. "Do you think my daddy and Konoka's grandpa, not to mention the Vice Prez herself, would go along with this if anything weird was going on?"

"Even so," Haruhi pressed on mercilessly, "what's the purpose of having club meetings in a Japanese forest? How is that helpful to learn about English culture?"

"Well," Skuld clenched a forced smile, "that's a secret of the club. If we were sharing those secrets with anyone, it wouldn't make much sense to have the club in the first place, right? Do we go around asking you what the Gossip Club does, hmmm?"

"I don't belong to any Gossip Club anymore!" Haruhi said, sounding offended. "Don't try to weasel out saying stupid things like that!"

Misa was startled. "There's a Gossip Club? How come I was never invited in?! Don't those guys recognize true talent when they see it?!"

Haruhi shrugged. "Eh, you didn't miss on anything. It's a lame club, that's why I left it before one week. You guys have it much cooler, with your forbidden liaisons with men and shota in the woods and all..."

"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!" an angry Ayaka roared, rising from the water with her fists at her sides.

Satomi and Yuuna looked at Haruna.

Paru shrugged. "I refused membership. I already had my hands full with the Manga Club, the Library Exploration, and now Al― the English Club."

Misa stared daggers at her. "They went for YOU over ME?!"

"We're digressing!" a still fired up Haruhi said. "You never have any public activities, and you still haven't contacted the Mahorafest Organization Committee to propose your contributions to the festival! And I should damn know because I have friends in the Committee!"

"You have friends?" Misa said in sarcastic disbeleif.

"You mean contacts you have blackmailed into keeping you informed," Madoka said.

Misa nodded. "Ah, that makes more sense."

"Same thing!" Haruhi nonchalantly replied.

"Come to think about it... we haven't, huh?" Sakurako rubbed her chin. "I knew we were forgetting something..."

"I was sure Iinchou would take care of that!" Yuuna said.

"I was sure Suzushiro-sempai would handle that, since she stresses her authority over mine so much!" Ayaka protested. "You cannot possibly blame me here!"

"But Iinchou," Sakurako said, "you should be aware Suzushiro-sempai still is too busy and worried with her friend's disappearance and all that. She isn't working at her fullest right now..."

"That's not the point," Haruhi said, "How can you even pin that on a single member when it should be something to decide between all members?! See, that's why you're so suspicious!"

"I can't help but agree with Sempai here, guys," Madoka reasoned. "Even we've settled on what to do for the Festival after discussing it amongst... wait, no, Sempai just told us what to do and we took it up the ass. Never mind, then."

Haruhi folded her arms and huffed. "If you had a better idea than 'The Adventures of Asahina Mikuru', you should have suggested it during the proper meeting, Kugimin!"

"My name's not Kugimin, and you never let m―"

"I always let everyone to talk freely!" Haruhi protested. "Don't I, Mikuru-chan?"

"Ah..." Asahina Mikuru began.

"See, you have Mikuru's word on it! Is this angelic face that of a liar!?" Haruhi swiftly moved towards her, pulling on her cheeks painfully.

"Ah..." Mikuru added, cute tears trickling down her face.

"Suzumiya-san does have a valid point," Nagato finally spoke, as detached as always."Most of you already belong to other clubs, so you can't even claim ignorance of how those procedures work,"

Misa gave Madoka a bewildered look. "She CAN TALK?!"

Madoka shrugged. "Sometimes."

"What's so shocking about it?" Haruhi asked. "Don't you have a mute classmate of your own?"

"Zazie-san isn't mute, Sempai," Madoka informed before falling into a dubious pause. "... I think!"

"I admit our club may work rather differently from most other such associations," Ayaka said, folding her arms, "but I assure you we are a fully legit and functional club that follows all legal requisites the Academy demands from us..."

Haruhi gave them a jaded glare before directly asking Makie, "Pinky-chan, what have you learned about the British culture since you joined this club?"

Makie joyfully opened her mouth, began to form a sound, and then froze in that position. Almost a full half minute later, she said, "English is hard, but, um, is 'rewarding' the correct word, Sku-chan? Iinchou?"

The assembled outsiders glared as one at the rest of Ala Alba, who in turn facepalmed as a single unit. Even Haruna.

"Hey, that doesn't count!" Misa protested. "She's a baka ranger, she'd never learn anything anyway!"

"Oh, right, that's true," Makie said, brightening.

Meanwhile, Mikuru had stealthily retreated away from Haruhi's over-active hands, trying to enjoy the momentary lull of relaxation before Haruhi's attention fell back on her to prove some point or another. Sitting by herself and keeping a low profile, much like Hasegawa Sora was doing elsewhere in yet another case of strange minds thinking alike, the time traveler tried to compose herself and get ready for whatever would come next...

But it quickly turned out she wasn't ready for feeling herself touched under the surface, despite everything.

As she felt a playful tickling running down her legs and softly teasing her buttocks, Mikuru debated inwardly if to shriek or not. On the one hand, Suzumiya-san liked when she shrieked, and it was the best thing to do to keep the public image her job demanded. On the other, she wasn't really in the mood to put on the cutesy shrill act right now, and there wasn't too much of a public around to pretend to.

Plus, it felt nice. Ah, Suzumiya-san rarely was this tender. But why her hands felt so slimy...?

Then she remembered Suzumiya-san was still at the other side of the baths, heatedly talking with Yukihiro-san and Jottunsdottir-san. Mikuru felt into a shocked puzzlement, until she remembered the date. Ah, of course. It was the night when those Slime Sisters kidnapped Negi-sensei's companions. It had to be that...

Well, then, to keep the normal flux of events, it seemed the responsibility of starting the wacky panicky hijinx had fallen on her.

Mikuru, very stoically, cleared her throat, prepared the lungs behind her very nice breasts, and let out a scream perfected after dozens of iterations of infiltration in the SOS Brigade.

"EEEEEK! SOMEONE'S TOUCHING MEEEE!"

And then all chaos broke loose.

And by that, we mean the concept of randomness and disorder, not the plural form of Chao.

---

It was a dark and stormy night. Someone knocked on the door.

It was a dark and stormy night. Someone knocked on the door.

"Well, isn't this a lovely coincidence," said Konoka, looking up from the piece she had just started writing in her computer. Which was so totally not a fanfic, because only plebs with no imagination of their own resort to taking others' copyrighted ideas for recycling story concepts. No, it was the start of her first novel! A thrilling saga of a young heiress challenging society's taboos to be with her oppressed, incredibly hot young bodyguard in a magical fantasy setting, changing a few names to protect the innocent. Possibly fifty shades of some color would be involved. Because it's not stealing when you take from real life. After all, no one has copyrighted or trademarked Real Life (TM & C).

Asuna made a soft sound halfway between grunt and request from her bunk.

"Yes, yes, I'll take it," Konoka said, rising from her chair in her pajamas. "It must be Negi-kun. Nobody else is old fashioned enough as to knock when we have a perfectly functional doorbell. I wonder what he wants...?"

Then she was left speechless and open mouthed when she opened the door and saw a bare naked Setsuna standing right before her. And smiling.

"Whozzatderekonoka?" Asuna smacked her lips from the bedroom.

"Gah gah gah gah gah. Gah!" Konoka babbled.

"Ahgudtoknow," Asuna yawned before descending into tiny cute snores.

"Setchan!" Konoka finally gasped, taking a step back. Something was terribly wrong in this terribly nice and good and hot situation. Her Konoka-sense was tingling!

Ah, on a second thought, it was something else in her tingling. But still!

"Setchan!" Konoka repeated when the naked girl just took another step in, pleasantly smiling at her. Smiling! And what a smile it was! "Why, why why are you naked, not that I mind, but, the Hall Monitor—!"

"Then I shouldn't stay in the hall, Ojou-sama," Setsuna purred, walking in all the way and pushing the door closed behind her with one foot. Konoka let out a high-pitched squeal and Setsuna closed in, clearly invading her personal space and almost touching her nose with hers. "Aren't you happy to see me?"

"Very!" Konoka gasped, briefly thanking the gods for not being a boy, or else she'd be all the way inside Setchan by now. Through the pajama bottoms. Wait, that'd have been a good thing, right? It was so difficult to think... "But wait, this isn't like you!" she said, pushing Setsuna back. "I'm supposed to be the teasing, audacious and flirty one, and you're the stoic, shy, emotionally distant one! S-S-So says the novel, I mean, um, so that's the way it is! And we haven't hit enough emotional development yet! So you can't be Setchan! Is that you, Kaede, with one of those weird jutsus you once told me about? I'm not going to get mad as long as you don't—"

Then Setsuna grabbed her by a wrist, pulled her to herself, and deeply kissed her. Konoka went cross-eyed.

"Then again," she gulped when the naked girl finally let her go, "it's okay if you keep that form, I guess...?"

"Konokawhazztakingusolong...?" Asuna muttered while rolling around the sheets.

"Scoring!" Konoka said loudly, furiously rubbing her legs together.

"Ahdatsgudjustrememberusingprotection," Asuna approved before laying on her stomach.

"It occurs to me, since we're being naughty, and you're so bold, and I'm cheating already anyway, if you don't mind, maybe we could talk Asuna-chan into j—" Konoka heatedly said before the girl before her just sprouted liquid, slimy tentacles from all over her body. "Kaede, no! That wasn't what I meant! Not THAT kind of ninja tr—!"

Then the tentacles descended upon her, pummeling rather than invading, and knocked her unconscious.

As her body was carefully lowered to the carpet, the naked, slime-tendril sporting Setsuna covered her own mouth with a hand. "Oh my god! I kissed a girl just to try it! I hope my boyfriend doesn't mind! It felt so wrong, it felt so right! Don't mean I'm in love tonight! I kissed a girl and liked it! I liked it!" she frantically told herself. "Oh, I feel pretty and witty and gay!"

Asuna angrily sat up on the bed. "Okay, Konoka-chan, I don't mind if you and Setsuna or Kaede or whoever as long as it isn't Takahata-sensei choose to get frisky next room, I'm an open minded woman, but you could at least keep your Kate Perry and West Side story down so I can sl—!"

Then the nearest window exploded from the outside and dozens of slime whips penetrated the room, quickly zeroing in towards her.

---

Negi lifted his gaze from the tests he was grading. "Didn't that sound like shattering glass and Asuna-san screaming?"

"Don't be ridiculous, they're too far down the hallway for us to hear any of that," said Chisame from where she worked on her computer, "and if it happened, odds are she just was clumsy and broke something ag—" Then she stopped herself. "No. No, that isn't right," she said with a sense of somber dread. "Of course, if I felt compelled to think it was nothing but a perfectly normal and innocent incident, it has to be something terrible and dramatically life altering! It can't be anything else!" She took both hands to her hair and slumped ahead miserably. "Why, oh why...!"

Negi blinked as he stood up. "Okay... maybe I should go check on her then..."

"Dammit, why couldn't I stop myself before it was too late, before saying 'ridiculous'?" Chisame brooded. "I should have said 'Don't be that careless, it has to be something awful that has just happened to her and Konoe'? That way it'd have been all right, and I would only have to live with the minor shame of being proved wrong again and coming off as if I truly cared about them..."

"It's very sweet of you to care about them so much, Chisame," Negi warmly said as he tossed a housecoat over his pajamas, tightening the belt and heading for the front door. "But don't worry, there's no need to be that paran—"

"Don't make it any worse!" Chisame said as she covered her face with both hands.

Negi sweated a big drop while opening the door. "I'm not going to take more than a—" Then he fell silent as a roar of thunder rippled through the night.

"Ominous thunder, even!" Chisame's hands clawed down her face. "It just doesn't stop, now all this lacks is a—"

"Good evening, Negi Springfield," a deep, rich and cultured male voice said, startling Chisame and making her spin around on her chair. Staring directly towards the door, she saw a very tall man in his sixties or early seventies, Caucasian and thickly bearded and mustachioed, standing before the confused Negi. He wore a long, black coat over a black suit, with matching tall boots and a wide brimmed hat not unlike a fedora. He was soaked in rainwater, but he smiled affably, not bothered at all. And his tone was just as gentlemanly pleasant as his expression. "My, but how much you have grown since I last saw you!"

"Ever... since when?" Negi said, while Chisame quickly reached for her Pactio card and held it close, springing back to her feet. "Have we ever met before, Mister...?"

"Oh, certainly," the man said, taking his hat off and doing a deep bowing with an old fashioned aristocratic flair. "Although you were too young back then, and I have changed so much in the years that followed... But I once had the honor of visiting your hometown, and I even got to meet your honorable father while I was there..."

And Negi's eyes lit up in hope.

He was a smart boy. Given one more moment, he'd have instantly made the connection. He would have realized that the only day where a visitor to his hometown could have met both him and his father would have been that particular Christmas night. But the mere mention of that fleeting sparkle of guiding light was enough to stall that realization just long enough for what happened instantly later.

Perhaps Chisame, who had far less of an emotional link to that fact, realized it in the spot. But whether that happened or not, it would have made no difference. For she was not anywhere as fast enough as to stop the man from swiftly lifting a leg and smashing a sole against Negi's face, sending him flying across the living room, until he literally crashed down on the couch.

---

"I don't think he's too badly hurt," Izumi Ako said after finishing her checkup of the small black dog Nodoka and Yue had invited her to check on. She rose from the couch where they kept the animal on thick warm blankets and told Yue, "I'm no vet, but I think he's strong and should recover fully by tomorrow. You should at least take him to Mikado-sensei before classes, though."

"Thank you, Ako-san," Nodoka said while toweling her hair dry, another towel wrapped around her body. She'd just taken a warm shower in the apartment's bathroom, not wanting to head into the common baths and leaving the dog, Yue, Ako and Akira alone. "I-I'll buy you something to repay your help! What kind of books do you prefer?"

"Oh, no, no, don't bother!" Ako replied. "It was nothing, for real!"

Yue frowned as she approached the mutt and took another close look at it herself. As a matter of fact, he looked less injured now than he had when they brought him in, and even was stirring back into consciousness, albeit very slowly. It was almost as if he had some sort of healing factor... but no, of course that was impossible, it'd have to be a...

... a...

Maybe they should pay Negi-sensei a call after Akira and Ako would leave.

"Then you should get him a home," Ako was telling Nodoka now. "I don't think the Dorm Mother will let you keep him, but maybe Chachamaru-san can help? She takes care of all kinds of strays, doesn't she?"

"I think she only keeps cats, actually," Akira intervened, "but I don't believe she'd refuse to help him either way."

"And there was no collar or license on him?" asked Ako. "That'd be very helpful..."

"Sadly, no," Nodoka replied, then reached for the small bottle Yue had left on a shelf, showing it to the two visitors. Yue mildly cringed, not thinking that was the best course of action at the moment, but it was too late to stop Nodoka by now. "But, Yue-Yue found this close to him. It's probably nothing, though..."

Outside, thunder rumbled right on cue.

Akira squinted as she got closer to it, feeling a slight, strange sensation almost flowing from that object and into her. She reached over and delicately touched the slick glass surface with her fingertips. "Could... Could I borrow it for the evening, please?" she asked. "I have a friend who is... let's say a specialist on strange antiques..."

Then Yue, who had taken her eyes momentarily from the runt to look at the exchange, had a gasping start as she felt something that was definitely bigger than the dog rising from the couch, from the exact same spot where the dog had been a second ago. She could swear she heard the faint groan from Kero-san, who was pretending to be an immobile toy on another shelf, right at that moment, too.

Ako looked in the direction of the sudden shuffle of towels, and her pale face grew beet red. So did Akira's and Nodoka's one instant later. For, rising to his feet and replacing the poor dog that had just vanished from sight altogether, there was a very naked boy around Negi's age, with long, messy black hair and furry ears and a tail.

"I-I-Inugami-kun!" Nodoka recognized immediately.

Akira gave her a startled look. "Inugami-kun? Do you mean you―"

"KYAAAAAAA!" Ako shrieked, taking hold of the nearest lamp and tossing it into the groggy boy's face. "A PERVERT!"

"No, wait, Ako-san, it's―!" Yue gasped as the lamp flew past her, almost hitting her in the proccess. "― never mind."

The boy took a hand armed with long and sharp fingernails to his scalp and muttered, "Uwaaa... What's going on, I don't even―" before the lamp collided directly against his features. Then he dropped onto the carpet like a dead weight.

Silence ensued.

"Oh my God," Ako shuddered. "I've, I've just killed a perverted midget! Luckily there was no blood!"

"That," Akira said, "is no midget, it's a child."

Ako blinked. "What? No, no, no way! Everyone knows children can't be perverts!"

Akira stopped herself short of mentioning a certain Kuro-san she had met in Kyoto and tried to ellaborate on her point, but Yue did it for her as Nodoka rushed to help the downed boy. "Actually, yes, this is a boy. We met him during the class trip to Kyoto."

"So… so he's a stalker who followed you to Mahora?" Ako trembled, looking for support into Akira's patient arms. "And, and what did he do to the doggy?!"

The boy rubbed his face while standing up, barely noticing Nodoka even though she was helping him up greatly. "Okay, which one of you did that?! I'm going to kick the butt of whoever―" Then he realized Yue was standing shortly apart of him, looking at him disapprovingly. "Chibi-nee? What are you doing here?"

"I live here," Yue dryly answered. Then she pointed at Nodoka. "With her."

"With who―" Kotaro looked at his side, noticed there was a nearly naked girl holding him, and yelped as he pulled away from her. "Kya! Pink Panties-neechan!"

Ako grew even more disturbed. "He, he knows your type of panties?!"

"It's, it's not what it looks like!" Nodoka cried, holding the towel tighter around her body. "I, um, it was an accident, Yuuki-sempai Style!"

Ako pondered that for a moment, startled, before just frowning and saying, very un-Ako-like, "Yessss... sure, that's what all boys say..."

"Ako-chan," Akira softly chided.

"What? I'm the manager for a club of boys! I hear that one all the time!"

"What nonsense are you guys babbling about?" Kotaro grumbled as he grabbed the carpet under him and rolled it as a makeshift skirt around his softer parts. "What happened to me? Why am I naked and why am I not at the office of― oh, right, that guy. I had forgotten him for a moment. Damn him!"

Akira, who by now was used to hearing about strange men stirring strange trouble all over the city and often had to clean their messes up, tensed in alert. "What? Do you mean... you were attacked by some man who stripped you and turned you into a dog?"

Ako blinked again. "What kind of new weirdo pervert is that anyway?"

Kotaro grumbled, looking at Nodoka and Yue. "Are these two in the secrets?"

Nodoka and Yue shook their heads.

Kotaro sighed. "Well. Whatever, that's your problem anyway. Just give me that bottle and some pants," he said, gesturing towards the bottle now in Akira's hand, "and I'll be on my way. Then we all can forget this ever happened. Literally, in the case of those two."

"Wait, no, not so fast!" Akira urged. "You still haven't explained anything! If there's a strange man attacking people on the loose, we need to know about him, because―"

"Wait! Did you hear that?" Kotaro asked, perking up and lifting a hand in the international gesture for demanding a pause. "Wha's that? It… it sounds kinda like Egghead grunting and his girlfriend shrieking?"

"Egghead?!" Ako grew angrier.

"They do that every night," Yue shrugged casually. "Don't mind that and don't use it to excuse yourself out."

"They do?!" Akira said.

Yue made a tiny half-smile. "You're fortunate you live further down the hall..."

"Quiet, you noisy hens! I'm sure this ain't a normal spat!" Kotaro protested, rushing towards the wall separating Nodoka and Yue's quarters from Chisame and Satomi's. Then he stuck an ear against it. In the background, unnoticed by anyone, Kero also perked an ear up, making it grow comically oversized.

"Noisy hens?" Ako asked, dismayed. "What a rude, vulgar boy!"

"Are you just going to repeat everything I say?" Kotaro mumbled, paying closer attention to the noise. "Aw, crap! I'm sure I can hear the old man's voice too! Everyone, leave right now! This is about to get ugly!"

"Wait, why should we leave, just because you say so?" Ako asked. "You haven't been making any sense since you, you... snuck in! So, are you hearing to some older man in there? Probably it's just the grandpa of some girl who fell for him, out to―" Then she abruptly stood up, tilting her head into the opposite direction. "What in the world?!"

"That, that came from Konoka-san's room!" Akira estimated.

"Oh, so now you finally react! About time too!" Kotaro protested, rushing towards the front door, opening it and peeking out into the hallway. More specifically, all of a sudden, towards Asuna and Konoka's room, way down the hall. His eyebrows moved quite strangely. "It's an attack on multiple levels? What the―?"

"Gahhh!" Kero screamed, along with Ako, Nodoka, Akira and Chisame, as a loud crashing sound from behind made Kotaro growl and spin back on his heels.

"Damn it, can you try to be quiet, y'idiots! I think there's someone in real... ahhhh..." he trailed off as he found himself staring at the bruised face of a battered Negi, splayed across Nodoka's floor, trembling as he struggled to push himself back up. Kotaro's gaze travelled towards the new huge hole in their shared wall, and to the white-haired man in black standing in the middle of it, currently holding a fiercely struggling, kicking and biting Chisame under one arm.

Akira fell into a quick ready stance, taking a hand to her chest and shielding Ako with her body.

Nodoka gulped, then scampered clumsily towards the Clow pendant she had left on a table, clutching it tightly.

Yue just leapt and ducked behind the couch, grabbing Kero and yanking him down with herself.

The man, with the hand that wasn't keeping the girl firmly secured in place, tipped his hat off to Kotaro. "Oh, it's you! Good to see you again, lad," he casually greeted. "My apologies, ladies, but I'm sure we haven't shattered anything too expensive. If we have, well, you can bill Mr. Springfield later on, I suppose. It was due to his foolish resistance this conflict spilled over here, after all..."

"Y-You..." Negi gurgled, pushing himself back up and running the back of a hand across his bleeding mouth, "Just let Chisame go already!-!-!-!" he fiercely growled, tensing up in a paroxysm of rage that frankly stunned Kotaro for a moment, never mind Ako and Akira.

The wolf boy blinked, looked back and forth between Negi and the old man, and finally sniffed into the latter's direction. Then he slapped himself on the forehead. "Damn! I should have noticed it before!"

"You should have, indeed," the old gentleman nodded agreeably. "But domestication will do that even to the fittest species. Regardless, I won't bother you anymore as long as you stay out of―"

"Who are you calling domesticated, you stupid geezer?!" Kotaro barked.

"Why aren't you letting Chisame go yet?!" Negi screamed, stomping towards the man threateningly.

"Why the fuck did you grab me in the first place, you damn pervert?!" Chisame howled, trying to bash the man's side with her fists, although it felt like punching a cement block and seemed like it was being just as effective as well.

The old man sighed and shook his head. "Of course. Hardly anything ever goes smoothly when it is mixed with the fires of youth..."

Somewhere in Kaede's home town, a man in green tights sneezed.

"Afraid I'll burn you, old man? This time I'm ready for you!" Kotaro chuckled, bumping his fists against each other. "Heh! Been a while since the last time I dusted a demon off! You chose the wrong wall to bust, Mister!"

Negi violently pushed a hand against his chest. "Stay out of this! I'm not having Chisame hurt because of your intervention!" A pause. "And I'm sorry, but that means you as well, Miyazaki-san!"

Nodoka looked truly wounded for a moment, as she held her already deployed Clow staff in her hands. "But, but I can help, Sensei!"

"Men," Akira sighed, still torn between just transforming in the spot or not. On the one hand, by now she knew Negi-sensei was a fairly able fighter himself, and if he and this boy could handle the situation themselves, there was no point on blowing her cover, and subsequently Minako's, before them. But on the other hand...

Kotaro's eyebrows quivered as he glared at Negi. "Excuse me? Let's make something clear here, who's the one used to fight demons and solving hostage crises and kidnappings with his fists, and who's the one who's just a nerd who can't do anything without his harem...?"

"He's, he's not a nerd!" Ako protested from behind Akira. "Take that back, punk!"

"It's not a bloody harem!" Negi and Chisame said at once. Chisame stared at him in shock. "Wait, you know what that word means?"

"Yes, Erebus-san told me," Negi said. "It's a word for a group of knights in a wizard's service, right?"

"… " Chisame said. "…suuuuuuurrrrre, let's go with that."

The strange visitor looked at the wristwatch in the hand that wasn't holding Chisame, let out another sigh, and then casually flung her on the couch. "What the―!" Chisame cried as she fell on her butt, landing rather well all things considered.

The old man threw his overcoat aside and smirked, settling into a confident battle stance as Kotaro and Negi took opposite sides before him, both eyeing him suspiciously. "Very well, then," he said. "I will concede you only a couple of minutes, since we are on a tight schedule tonight. Make them count, since they are a valuable gift I don't grant often..."

---

Tatsumiya Mana and her apprentice (whom you should know, but might need some help remembering, since she hadn't shown up in a while) Munakata Shiho stood at the doorstep of Sakurazaki Setsuna's room.

"Well?" Mana finally said. "Knock."

The shorter, red-haired girl looked up at her, mildly bewildered. "But, why me?!"

Mana gave her a very slightly annoyed look in turn. "Is knocking on a door beyond your capabilities now, Shiho?"

"O-of course not, but isn't she your classmate? I mean, if it turns out we are bothering her, she'll get upset at me, not y―"

"She'd be upset at you, not me, all the same," Mana said, "Because she knows better than to ever get upset at me."

Shiho sighed sadly, defeated by the weight of logical thought. "Of course," she said, then knocked on the door.

Nothing Happened.

Shiho waited a moment, blinked, then raised her hand and to knock on the door again. "Maybe she just didn't h―"

She was interrupted in mid-word when Mana just kicked the door in, then walked swiftly inside.

Shiho blinked again,put her hand down, and followed her Oneesama inside. "Officially, I broke that door right now, didn't I?"

"I knew it," Mana ignored her while looking around the living room, which showed signs of a very quick but brutal struggle, Setsuna's scarce furniture thrown in all directions, some of her many Konoka posters and photos somewhat skewed aside. "It wasn't like Sakurazaki to fail to report for guard change, then ignore my calls..." She knelt down in the middle of the room, gathered a few droplets of pink gloop that squirmed on the floor as if gifted with a life of its own, and held her pink-coated fingers close to her face. "Shapeshifting slime. Most likely from Mundus Magicus. Probably took Konoe's figure to be allowed in, which explains the untouched door..."

"Well, it was untouched before..." Shiho muttered, looking back at the busted door over her shoulder. "Wait, are you telling me a simple slime monster could take that badass Sempai down on its own? And if it were from Mundus Magicus, how could it be here in the first place?"

Mana stood back, walked to an open window, and ran a finger across its frame, gathering more small samples of pink goo. "Shit. This, we didn't need at all."

"I found something else!" Shiho proudly said, picking up a Pactio card with Setsuna's picture on it from under a tumbled chair, and offering it to Mana. "Can't we use this to track her down?"

"What have I told you about touching evidence in a crime scene?" Mana coldly asked.

"Ah? But, you were just―"

"I will rephrase myself. What have I told you about you touching evidence in a crime scene?" Mana said again, taking the card and examining it closely. "Well, at least we know she's still alive. But if anything, her not having the card on her anymore means Negi-sensei can't use it to find her. And on that subject..."

"What are you doing?" Shiho blinked as she saw Mana activating her demon eye, then clenching her teeth while touching her own forehead with the card.

"Hasegawa-san," Mana abruptly said. "Yes, it's me. No, it's not Sakurazaki pretending to be me, why would she do such a stupid― Oh, this? Is just a thing I can do. Of course you wouldn't know about... Right. I know. We'll be there right now." She pushed the card into a pocket of her hakama pants and pulled out a rifle (and causing Shiho to shiver as she momentarily thought of where sempai might have been hiding it while wearing those pants), stomping back towards the door. "You coming or not, Shiho?"

"Coming to WHAT?!" the shorter girl demanded, rushing after her.

Mana flashed an evil smirk from above her shoulder. "Have you ever met another like me before?"

---

Actually, in all honesty, perhaps it would be more accurate to state the chaos (which does not mean Chao in the plural) really broke loose a few moments after, when the rest of the girls turned around to look at the clearly distressed and panicky Asahina.

"Really, Mikuru-chan!" Haruhi said. "Now what's gotten into you? Can't you see you're staining the brave Brigade's good name by―"

Then, with another, even louder shriek, Mikuru was pulled down and under the surface.

A beat.

"... Mikuru-chan?" Haruhi asked right before being pulled down as well. "YIPE!"

"Okay, what kind of trick are you guys playing on us?" Yuuna turned to the still impassive Nagato. "It isn't funny, dammit, even Misora would― AAAIEEEE!" she screamed as something slimy wrapped itself around her right ankle and violently yanked her into the warm depths.

"Yuuna-chan!" Makie cried in terror, beginning to splash right where her friend had just disappeared. "Where are you, what happened, what what what is this icky thing I'm touching!" she babbled before something clearly mucous and pinkish broke the surface, grabbed one of her wrists, and kidnapped her down as well.

Skuld's eyes widened. "Oh for the love of.. How could I ever forget this?! Everyone, get out the water right now! This is a―!" she couldn't finish the sentence, for the very next instant, a pillar of water had enveloped her and then sucked her under.

Misa was already at the edge of the pool, keeping Madoka held by a wrist and Sakurako by the other and trying to pull them out with herself, despite Sakurako's frantic attempts to stay in long enough as to reach for the much slower Satomi. "Oh, for fuck's sake!" Kakizaki was gasping. "It's some weird tentacle thing, isn't it?! I should've known, it couldn't be long before― AAAAHHHH!" she cried as the waters rose for them next, literally making a wave that dragged them back from the edge and down into the mysterious abyss. Which hadn't been a mysterious abyss when they'd started bathing.

"SAKURAKO-CHAN!" Satomi yelled, and then willingly dove in, to fail to reappear again afterwards.

"Interesting," Nagato calmly pondered, staying quiet where she was. "I wonder if this means what I calculate it means. I suppose there is but one way to decipher it for―" Just as quietly, she was pulled in the very next second, along a kicking and screaming Ayaka.

Haruna, meanwhile, readied both fists and unleashed them in all directions. "Wanna a piece of my sweet hot ass, you guys?! Fine with me, but Saotome Paru won't go down without a fight! I'm gonna be the one who rapes you, you are nothing to―- OOOOOOHHHH, TICKLES!" she goofily giggled, eyes going crossed and mouth drooling, before being pulled down as well. "Ah, a bit to the left, yeah, that's the spot, don't stop, don't– "

"I think," a small female voice said a moment later, "I really like this one."

And then, only quiet and silence.

A screaming, hysterical Hasegawa Sora abruptly stopped waving her ams in place, then looked in all directions, including down, trying to peek under the water. Nothing. She blinked several times in great confusion, waited a couple of seconds, and then sighed sadly while moving towards the edge of the pool. "How depressing. I'm not even wanted by―"

"Ooops! Forgot one!" another tiny, mischievous voice chirped, and next it was Sora's turn to be abducted into the unknown with a long frantic wail that soon became a quiet chain of bubbles going up to the surface.

---

"This is a waste of my talents," she said to herself.

Yami the Golden Darkness was not a prideful or arrogant person. Even if she thought that herself. Actually, despite being introverted and reserved, and rather cold most of the time, she could be fairly polite, respectful and helpful anytime she didn't have a contract or legitimate personal beef against whoever she was dealing with at the time. As a matter of fact, even when going against someone in her hit list she would attempt to be civil and polite to the bitter end, unless that person happened to be filth and scum. Well, more filthy and scummy than the people she usually dealt with. That was her nature.

Even so, she also was self-aware enough to recognize whenever her skills were being wasted on inferior tasks beneath her notice, and she was convinced her current assignment was one of such cases. She had expected for the Count to allow her to go after the lycanthropic yokai after reporting she had just found him, and instead, much to her surprise, she had been told to drop that trail and go set a trap for a secondary target instead.

This was not what she had signed up for when she had been contacted and offered a job at Mahora Academy. When mentioned the team she would be a part of would go against the abominable bunch of hooligans sunk so low as to recruit the pervert she had fought at Kyoto, she had been under the impression she was supposed to either go directly against her, the best to employ her previous experience at battling the fiend, or at least capture someone who could be used as bait for her. Yami personally disliked using others for bait, but in this extreme case she had been willing to make an exception.

And yet, now there she was, feeling more than slightly ashamed of herself as she sat behind some bushes, holding the end of a long rope and waiting for something that would most likely never show up. An animal. A tiny vermin. That was what she had been reduced to so far. Following the trail of a dog, and then setting a trap for a weasel. They were just fortunate she was not one to renege on an accepted contract.

Then there was the objective fact the trap, in itself, was stupid. No one with any degree of basic intelligence or self-preservation, not even the dumbest beasts she had ever fought, would fall for it. And the bait it relied on was even more disgusting than the idea of actually baiting with living people. Only her given word, and the promise of getting a more satisfying part in the scheme after finishing with this kept her sitting there, in silence, staring between the leaves at the side of the road.

The trap was basically a pair of pink silk panties under a small wooden box held up by a stick, and the rope she was holding was tied around said stick at its other end.

That was it.

Yami lowered her head in renewed shame. But her shame was not great enough as to make her lower her guard, so when she heard a sharp cry of "Panties!" cutting through the night, she immediately tensed up for action...

... and she tugged on the rope just as the white ermine grabbed the panties, trapping him within the box.

And, again, that was it.

"I... I can't believe it..." Yami whispered as she walked out and towards the trembling box, which rattled impotently from the inside. When she had been told it didn't matter where she'd place the trap as long as she baited it properly, she had felt tempted to downright call her employer out on the idiocy of what he was saying, and yet now she was being proved wrong. What kind of insane, eerie place was this 'Mahora' after all? What other horrors and abominations had it spawned?

Somewhere, Suzumiya Haruhi sneezed.

"Curses!" the voice from within the box complained. "Someone found out my only weakness! My silky, fragant, soft, deeee-liciouuuuuus weakness! Oh well! As long as I'm trapped in here with it...!" And then a frantic staccato of eager panting began to reach Golden Darkness' ears, making her wince in disgust.

"I hate ecchi animals," she decided, turning her right hand into a scimitar and beginning to inwardly debate whether or not to deliver the creature dead or alive...

---

Morisato Keiichi finally made it back to his small bedroom without even bothering to turn the lights on. The place was so tight and he had memorized it so well since his transfer from Nekomi, he didn't even need to. As he dragged his tired steps across the floor, he took his pants and shirt off, carelessly leaving them aside and then plopping on his back on the bed, in his boxers and undershirt, blocking his eyes with a forearm.

On one hand, it was nice to be finally living on his own, without having to worry about the oppressive and often irrational demands from Tamiya, Ootaki and the rest of his sempai at Nekomi. On the other hand, it also had started to feel oddly... lonely. Spending so much time with Skuld and others who were so much younger than him (or at least looked and acted the part) had alienated him from his new peers in the Mahora college-aged community even before he could start trying to socialize with them (which had never been his strongest point to begin with), even without the rumors that he was into middle school girls. Jealousy and envy are horrible things. Maybe he should ask for a roommate? Someone to really connect with, a male his own age to bond up like actual bros, someone like...

He heard a loud, gruff growl coming from a frighteningly close distance, and pulled the forearm off his eyes, glad he hadn't decided to fap. Then he was staring up directly at a gigantic man, a mountain of a musclebound brute in sleek, elegant butler regalia, with a face only a lovesick blind mother could love, and a really bad small wig on the top of his head. That person was standing right behind his bed and stared down at him with a cold sneer of inhuman contempt.

For the briefest of moments, Keiichi wondered if they had somehow, against all odds, snuck into his room BEFORE his own arrival and just waited there for him without him noticing him while he entered. Or if they had just snuck in AFTER he tucked himself into bed, which seemed even more outrageous and unbelievable. The man looked as stealthy as a train out of control, and―

"Ahh," Keiichi began saying, a hand idly reaching for the Pactio card on his nightstand, before the giant just reached down to easily grab him and pick him up like a kitten. Using a single hand. Then he fell unconscious, mercifully with no pain at all.

His last thought was 'Doesn't this shit usually happen to Negi-sensei? And I'm a terrible person for wishing this was happening to a child instead… '.

---

A handsome young looking man moved through the night, marching through the residential area reserved for the Mahora teachers, with the utmost confidence, and with a menacing aura of collected power surrounding him, to such a degree even the rain pouring all over the city didn't seem to touch his carefully combed and short cropped honey colored hair or his militaristic grey uniform. Or perhaps it was more like even the rain itself refused to touch his cursed body.

For he indeed was a fallen warrior, a noble from long gone eras, and as such he had felt a natural kinship with the demon masquerading as an old man when he contacted him several nights ago, while the younger male was still sulking over his latest defeat at the hands of the two sailor suited vigilantes of Mahora. While at first he had only humored the old evil thing's attempts to negotiate with him soon he saw actual potential in his scheme, and thus he had agreed to cooperate with him. Besides, it was not like he had many options left by then. His Queen's patience was almost at her limit, and two of his comrades were openly conspiring against him, eager to take over his post.

Usually, he favored a less hands-on approach, not to mention he greatly preferred calling the shots himself. But he would play along with the demon for now, and would usurp his operation once he hada full understanding of it; in the meanwhile, he would not trust his stupid servants to carry this operation on their own anymore. So now he moved towards the residence of his target while two Youma followed him from a short distance, melting into the shadows at each side of the street and moving from one to another. They would have been invisible to any unfortunate bystander who happened to walk by, and even the magical security system set around most houses in the neighborhood was ineffective against them.

But of course, as the beautiful man thought while smirking cruelly to himself. Even the so-called masters of magic in the mortal world were nothing compared to the forces of the Dark Kingdom. Once he received his share of the power the old demon had promised him, he would easily conquer the only two stumbling blocks on his way, and then...

"We're there. Jadeite-sama," one of the youma hissed from the shadows, as they both stopped behind him,

"I can see that, you idiot," he sneered, coming to a halt before the traditionally styled Japanese home. "Well? Let us not waste time!"

The youma advanced past him, shattering the door and hungrily roaming inside, their master calmly following them in. "Leave no stone unturned!" he commanded, gesturing with adequate grandness. "Find him no matter where he may hide! And while you're at it, make me a latte! It's so difficult to find a good latte in this damn country!"

However, soon his frustration was twofold. Not only there was not anything to drink in that blasted home but tea and poison (although it was a lovely selection of poisons, in all fairness. Jadeite decided taking a few with him and trying them later on Zoisite and Kunzite), but the man they had come for was nowhere to be found. They literally wrecked the whole place, to no avail. It was as if he had just disappeared without leaving a trace.

"Perhaps, My Liege," one of the youma reluctantly said, "he foresaw our arrival and fled before our entrance?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Jadeite of the Dark Agency sneered while looking through the owner's collection of music, trying to find something fitting to stea— take as a souvenir, a trophy from yet another victory. So far, only depressing emo music and what was worse, old traditional Japanese fare. Enka had to be a worse thing that anything the Dark Kingdom could ever have come up with. "Who could have told him? Me? You? Besides, then this would be a trap for us, and we haven't been surprised in the act yet, have we?"

He realized what he had just said, nervously looked around, and then, when no ominous thunder rolled despite the storm, relaxed back into condescending mode. "This must be a lucky coincidence for this human. Something must have distracted or stalled him on his way here. If necessary, we will just wait here until he comes, and then— Oh," he frowned while catching a casual glimpse through the closest window. "Of course."

There he was, his target, hanging from the branch of a tree in the backyard. A scrawny, hakama-clad, black haired figure hanging like a ragdoll under the heavy rain.

Jadeite sighed, then snapped his fingers towards his youma twins. "Get me a ladder, on the double!"

---

"AAAHHHHH!" Kotaro howled as he was flung across the room, crashing against a collection of exotic bottles on a shelf and shattering them to pieces.

Yue sniffled stoically while reaching over from behind the couch to grab Ako by a hand. "... I loved those, too..." she mused before beginning to drag the nervous assistant nurse towards the front door. "Come along, Izumi-san! There's nothing we can do here..."

The plush animal firmly held in Yue's other hand seemed to jerk its head back and forth as if frantically agreeing.

"But, but... Akira-chan!" Ako gasped, trying to reach over for her best friend's hand in turn.

Akira hesitated for a moment, staring directly at her, before forcing a smile. "Do what Ayase-san says, Ako-chan. I'll be fine."

"You mean you're going to... to do that thing?!" Ako squealed over the sounds of Negi and Kotaro being batted away again as they tried charging at the old man from different directions, and the growls of Chisame telling them to open a way for her to shoot at him with her sceptre. "But, but—!"

"Let's just go!" Yue said, already pulling the resisting pale girl through the door. Before fully doing so, however, she looked at her own best friend, who stood gulping and flipping through her cards. "That means you too, Nodoka!"

"Get ahead of me, Yue," Nodoka tightly said, finally finding The Create and beginning to write on it with trembling fingers. "I have to see if I can—!"

Squinting while grabbing Kotaro by the neck, the old man lunged directly at her, kicking the Create notebook out off her hands while slamming Kotaro onto Negi's head. "What are you trying to do, young lady?" he said, striking at her chest with an elbow, and sending her down with a violent gasp. "Don't tell me that's a Deathn–"

"NODOKA!" Yue came to a sudden halt right in the middle of the hall.

"YOU BASTARD!" Kotaro said as he jumped onto the man's back, holding onto him with sharp claws and then sinking his teeth onto a shoulder. Undeterred, the man simply jerked back to squash Kotaro against a wall, then waved a hand to blind Negi with a shower of sparkles from his fingers as the Welsh boy began to chant his magic activation.

"You are right, perhaps," the man aknowledged, taking advantage of Negi's momentary stumble to grab Kotaro by a shoulder, then slam him against the floor. "It seems, in the heat of the battle, I have forgot to treat a lady properly. Would you prefer, then, to simply smell a few flowers? My sincere gift," he smiled, producing several white lillies from his sleeve and then tossing them in the direction of Akira, Chisame, and the downed, coughing Nodoka, just as Yue and Ako rushed in to her side.

"What the—" Chisame began, before one of the flowers exploded to dust on her nose, and then she felt her whole body becomevery heavy and spent, er, tired; one moment later, she, Nodoka, Yue and Ako, not to mention Kero, plummeted onto the floor rolling their eyes and sleeping like babes.

Akira, who was slightly farther away from the man, managed to shield her nose with a forearm, then decided she had enough already. The boys seemed to be recovering already, Kotaro readying a punch while Negi pulled a small wand out, but she couldn't possibly stand doing nothing any longer. To hell with Minako's secrecy, at this rate she'd run out of friends before—

"ARGH?!" the old man suddenly screamed, taking a hand to his right eye, which, much to Akira and the boys' confusion, now was bleeding in all directions. To say nothing of how it had a knife's blade plunged down into its socket all of a sudden, confusingly enough. "WHO DARES?!"

"No one," a chillingly gruff voice came from behind him, while Akira, Kotaro and Negi now realized for some reason Tsunetsuki Matoi had simply appeared a couple of steps behind the intruder, with another knife in a hand and blood on the other, "attacks Chisame-sama while I'm near!"

"Matoi-san!" Negi said. "You were here?!"

Matoi nodded. "Not always, since I had been to the bathroom, but as soon as—"

"Look out!" Negi shoted, jumping onto the man and pushing him away just as he furiously lashed out for the person who had just injured him. He gritted his teeth and punched the man on the face as they tumbled down together, but that did little but bruise his knuckles. Easily, the old man pushed him off himself.

"Surrender, son of the Thousand Master," the old man commanded, standing over the choking and trembling boy he had just hit hard enough as to knock a normal man out for hours. "Don't make this any harder for either of us. Come with me, and I will even tell you what happened to your father."

That instantly rattled Negi out of his mild grogginess and into staring up at him with bloodhsot eyes. "What...?!"

"Mercury Crystal Power! Make-Up!" he heard then, right before a strong blueish light momentarily blinded them all, and then something kicked the intruder's back, sending him head first into the same couch she had flung Chisame onto when all of this had started.

"Very well, now who—" the man in black grunted while pulling himself back up.

"Vile miscreant who attacks little boys in the middle of the night! Er, in a non-sexual but still morally offensive manner!" the young, beautiful woman in a modified sailor fuku who had just appeared where Akira had been pointed a finger at him. "Unacceptable raider who, um, oh, never mind!" she blushed, ashamed of the nonsense she was babbling while the boys looked at her with curious eyes. How did Minako pull that crap out so often? "Sailor Mercury will punish you in the name of Mercury!"

"I see!" the man chuckled, fully rising and dusting himself off, his good mood renewed. "This is even better! I knew recruiting Jadeite was a good idea after all. And now I have got the perfect payment for him!"

"Jadeite...?" Sailor Mercury paused, recognizing the name and growing even more alert because of it.

Her shock was renewed by an even greater one when she saw five Kotaros abruptly leaping into the silver haired man from all directions, slashing at him with their claws.

"Oh ho ho!" the old man laughed, pulling the bloody knife out of his gore-caked eyesock and using it to skillfully hack and stab at the Kotaros angrily swarming all over him. "Shadow copies, a veritable mystery of the East! However—" Now he forcefully stabbed one of the Kotaros in the shoulder and twisted the blade in his flesh, making him howl in pain, "it's useless when one can spot the original this easily! You lack practice, boy!"

"Sagitta Magica!" Negi cried, shooting a single Light Arrow to a side of the man, forcing him to drop the wolfboy. As Kotaro rolled across the floor clutching his bleeding wound, the elderly man gave Negi a disappointed gaze.

"A single one?" he asked. "Seriously? Are you that afraid of hurting these insects around us?"

Negi sneered angrily. "More like I'm afraid of killing you before you can answer me!"

"Oh! Such bravado!" the man laughed. "A real son of the fool! I'm afraid, however," he added, easily stopping Kotaro's new attempt to rush him by planting a hand on his face and pushing him back, "your childish attempt to distract me has failed. Never mind these children! Attack me with all you've got! Or should we take this outside instead?"

"Don't mind me if I do!" Sailor Mercury shouted, thrusting her hands ahead, aiming them at him. "Mercury Exploding Bubbles!" she said, shooting a barrage of explosive bubbles that rattled the old man, making him stumble back and fall through the window...

"Whoa," Kotaro winced, again squeezing his reopened wound. "The chick's more badass than you, Four-Eyes."

"He's only faking it, though," Negi grimly declared, quickly stepping in between Akira and the window, readying his wand. "Sagitta Magica, Series Aerialis!"

And then, just as the grim visage peeked in again, a hand firmly gripping the window's frame, several arrows of magic flew from the wand, hitting the invader's scalp and face all over, causing him to hiss in great pain. Even so, he still endured, pulling himself inside swiftly, and leaping over to kick Negi's jaw, sending him rolling back against Sailor Mercury, downing them both for the moment. Then, just as Kotaro growled and hulked up, his massive hairy frame bursting through the carpet he had been wearing, the elderly gentleman easily moved towards him, grabbing his throat and easily squeezing it so hard it made the boy gasp in suffocation, his claws madly slashing around, trying to rip his opponent to pieces but being effortlessly kept at arm's lenght.

Right then, however, the intruder was startled again, when he felt something piercing him through the ribs. Casting an annoyed side glance, he saw Matoi seething as she sank her other knife into his mass, trying to push it in as deeply as it would go while Negi began trying to pull her back.

"Why," the old man wondered dryly, "do you keep doing this to me?" Easily, his fingers flickered across Matoi's forehead, instantly knocking her out, and he pulled her towards himself, her body slipping from between Negi's fingers.

"NO! Let her go, you—!" Negi protested, readying another spell before stopping himself, since the man was now holding Tsunetsuki close to his chest.

"I promised you nothing but a brief brawl, and I believe if anything I gave you far more than I offered," the tall man told him, his stare dark and unreadable. "I must be going right now, but I still will not leave this campus without you. We have your partners; if you want them back, then you must fight me for that right..."

"What?!" Negi yelled.

"Oh dear," Sailor Mercury paled, taking a hand to her mouth.

"So much for this whole gentleman nonsense..." Kotaro weakly coughed while rubbing his throat, still marked with deep red fingerprints.

"I will wait for you at the old abandoned mansion of the Aisakas, by the river," the old man solemnly said. "It's the second one on the left, not to be confused with the one where the school nurse lives. Take as many of your allies as you want, but none of Konoemon's lackeys, or you will never see your friends again. Be sure to show up before dawn, or else. Oh, and Princess Arcana," he added, "please stay out of it, will you? You know your mother would not approve."

"Princess Arcana?" a confused Negi said. "Who—"

"He means me, Sensei," a familiar, humorless voice said from the doorstep, and Negi allowed himself a brief back glance above his shoulder to see Mana standing at the doorstep, one gun in each hand, both trained over him and towards the man at the window. "Count Graf Wilhelm. I had a better notion of you than this."

"Thank the new management," the Count smiled, with no joviality and much bitterness. "New Hell just isn't what it used to be sincedemocracy was introduced. But alas, we will have to discuss that some another time," he added, leaping back into the night with Matoi's unconscious form, and disappearing into the darkness.

"Matoi-san!" Negi screamed, running to the window and trembling intensely. "No, no, no...! No..."

"I'm sorry I was late, Sensei," Mana said, lowering her weapons and walking in, shadowed by a shaken, almost tearful Shiho, who looked in nervousness at Kotaro, the sleeping girls and Sailor Mercury, one after another. "But I was trying to stop the creatures that were attacking Konoe and Kagurazaka's room. Sadly, I failed at that as well..." she added, lowering her head and shaking it. "What's been happening to me lately, I wonder? What is making me so much softer?"

"Eh?" Shiho babbled, then asked, "Oh, I get it, this is my fault too, isn't it?"

"I never said anything like that," Mana droned.

"But I can see you meant it," Shiho insisted, "That's just like you, always claiming Shiho's been making you weaker and softer, that looking after Shiho—"

"Not everything in the world revolves around you, Shiho!" an exasperated Mana snapped before reaching over to grab the numbed Negi by a shoulder and shake him. "Sensei, there's no time to dwell on what happened. We have to—"

"Akira-san," he said, absent and faraway, without looking back.

"Y-Yes?" Sailor Mercury blurted out instinctively, before clasping a hand tightly over her mouth.

Negi sighed, then said, "I imagined it. Although at first, for some reason, I didn't see it, and then I just didn't want to... like something was fogging my mind up, even though I had just seen it." He gently crouched down by Chisame's side to examine her vital signs carefully. "It-it was like, well, I was wondering where you had taken Akira-san to, and—" Now he sniffled and rubbed his nose, shaking his head to himself. "Never mind. That doesn't matter now, but we'll have a serious talk on the subject, after... after we've settled this."

Akira could only nod in silence, before following Negi's example and crouching down to check on Ako.

Mana then looked at Kotaro and calmly told him, "By the way, I'm sure Negi-sensei has some spare pants he can lend to you as soon as you shrink back."

"And the sooner the better, you weirdo!" Shiho shrieked, holding a nearby table lamp and using its screen to hide Kotaro's crotch from sight.

Kotaro scratched his head with a claw, speaking blandly. "Ah. Well, yeah, I guess there's that too... You wouldn't happen to have band-aids on you right now, by the way, would you? I think I'm making too much of a mess on Bookstore-neechan's floor..." he added, gesturing towards what flowed from his shoulder to the aforementioned floor.

A random thought struck Akira. Shouldn't Tuxedo Kamen-san have shown up by now? He usually seemed to...

Somewhere, Chiba Mamoru was busy sleeping, as it was his weekly 'actually go to sleep for more than 3 hours' night of the week, as suggested by his 'How To Be An Urban Vigilante In 52 Easy Lessons' correspondence course from Gotham.

---

"Are you sure they'll be fine?" Negi asked after tucking Chisame in the same bed bunk as Nodoka, carefully setting the bedsheets over their chests without actually touching the girls.

"Yes," Mana said as she came down from the upper bunk, where she had just placed Ako and Yue herself. Kero snored on the nightstand, blowing small snot bubbles out of his nose. "The sleeping dust from those flowers is strong, but hardly harmful. They should be up by dawn, conveniently enough."

"Yeah. Convenient, since this twerp can't get anything done without his girls," Kotaro grunted, as he finished buttoning up the shirt Negi had lent him, muttering about what was wrong with the buttons. Well, Kotaro thought it was a shirt. It was actually a blouse left over from the shopping trip before Kyoto. Negi figured the one it had been intended for wouldn't mind. "So, what are we gonna do now?"

"What were you doing here in the first place? You brought him along, didn't you?" Negi accused him coldly.

"Hardly!" Kotaro scoffed. "I'd never met that creep before tonight. The Kansai Elder sent me, actually. Said I had to deliver this bottle here to the Headmaster..." he explained, showing the small black bottle the Count had forgotten to retrieve during the fray and his subsequent escape.

"What for?" Negi asked while holding Yuuna's card against his forehead and trying to contact her telepathically. He winced after getting no answer. He tried summoning her. Bupkiss.

"They told me they had three little troublemakers, the Slime Sisters, imprisoned, but someone had sneaked into their headquarters and stolen the bottle. Then, on my way here, I was attacked outta nowhere by the old man. Doesn't take a genius to figure out they're in cahoots, right?"

"Of course not, that's why you could do it," Negi muttered, now trying with Haruka's card and getting no reply or student council official out of thin air either. He shuddered in frustration. "Oh God, why..."

"If you ask me, Sensei, Chisame's being a bad influence on you," Mana said, arms folded. "So, now what? According to procedure, the thing to do under the circumstances would be contacting the Principal without obeying a terrorist's commands."

"I don't feel that procedural tonight," Negi confessed while pocketing back Sora's card, which had been another failure. "Nothing! Not even Setsuna-san's! I... I only have one left..." he gulped, reaching down for it and placing it against his forehead with a loud gulp of dread.

A few moments later, however, his face lit up in happiness. "Ah! Misora!"

Mana smiled and nodded. "Of course. The Church has extra special measures set against any and all demons."

"So it burns you when you enter it?" Kotaro asked her.

"A little, but I've endured worse," Mana casually replied, ignoring the stunned glare Sailor Mercury was giving her at this, and instead looking down at the unfazed Shiho. "You're taking this better than I expected, Shiho."

"What, you being a demon, Oneesama?" the red-haired girl asked. "I always suspected, with the way you act and all that. And if you mean what happened to these people, well, not like I ever got to know them..."

A vein bulged up on Mana's forehead, and a moment later she was tugging on one of Shiho's cheeks. While the smaller girl shrieked in pain, Mana turned to Akira and said, "I would say it is time for you to call on your comrades, by the way."

"My... comrades, you mean..." Akira gasped before just nodding reluctantly. "I'll get on it," she said, meekly reaching for her communicator. "Oh, hm? Venus-chan? You still up? That's, that's good, great even, I guess, you see—"

---

Artemis probably was, all factors considered, treated as more of an equal partner by Minako than how Kerberos was treated by Nodoka, or even than how Chamo was treated by Negi, and possibly how Yuuno was treated by Nanoha, but not quite how Mesousa was treated by Itoshiki, and nowhere near how Asakura was treated by Nagato, and kinda like how Arf was treated by Fate and Hotaru. Which was not to say they were treated badly... at least not by Nodoka and Negi, though Nagato was being reasonably pleasant for someone driven insane by endless summer vacation she had tried to kill, but there always was the unsaid expectation in their relationships, that Kero, Chamo and Yuuno were the funny animal companion and enabler of pursuits not intended for actual children, while Artemis was more of an actual wiser guide and enabler of pursuits not originally intended for actual children (traditionally, you needed to at least be in middle school, and was preferably a perfectly ordinary student, of the sort you could find anywhere).

After all, back in the Silver Millennium, he had worked with a young woman rather than a junior high teenager.

So, while Kero slept on a shelf, Yuuno slept on a desk (admittedly on top of a cushion, in the room of a loli who was a bit free when it came to changing her clothes) and Chamo slept in a drawer, Artemis had an actual small bed all to himself, though this wasn't much, since Asakura did too, and Arf got to sleep in an actual bed with two lolis (Mesousa slept in the oven with the gas on). And his own litterbox, while Chamo would always need to go outside when he needed to heed nature's call in the middle of the night. Yuuno and Arf got to use an actual toilet, though with some difficulty on the former's part, but Asakura had to suffer the indignity of having to use a baby's duck-shaped training potty (the less said about Mesousa's own bodily functions, the better. Rabbits were disgusting!). Then again, for Kero that wasn't a concern since his body processed all the sweets he consumed into magic, and he had no need for excretions.

The point of this digression is, when Minako's scream tore through the night, Artemis was sleeping on said cat bed, and so he didn't fall from a shelf or drawer, hurting himself in the process. Which was not to say his awakening was a pleasant one, regardless.

"YOU TOLD WHO WHAT?!-?!" Minako yelled, abruptly waking up not only Artemis, but also Ami, who had fallen asleep on the upper bunk with a book on Advanced Trigonometry between her hands, a muted buzzing coming from further down the bed. Mizuno-san bolted upright, with a faint shriek of her own, eyes snapping fully open.

"No, no, not the tentacles, anything but that!" she protested as a little drool trickled from the side of her motuh, before realizing Minako already on her feet and in full Sailor Venus regalia, grabbing a still half-dozing Artemis from his bed and lifting him in a way that was usually not reserved for wiser guides and equal partners. So maybe my point was less valid than I thought. Ami blinked. "Minako-chan, what...?" she mumbled, smacking her lips together as she reached of to the side. There was a click and the buzzing stopped as she sighed. It still took her a few moments to connect Sailor Venus with Minako each time she saw her roommate in her transformed state. That disguise spell sure was powerful.

"You had one job, Akira! One job!" Minako hissed as she stomped towards the window, roughly pushing it open and pulling the curtains aside. Before exiting, however, she paused, looked back at Ami, and answered her query, in a more subdued tone. "It was Akira-chan. Can you believe she let her SECRET identity slip?"

"I seem to remember," Artemis yawned, "some other girl who let her SECRET identity slip to a friend and roommate of hers, but I can't pin the name down right now..."

"Don't be a smartass, Artemis, this is different!" Minako said. "She let it be known to Negi-sensei!"

"Oh, you mean the most responsible and trustworthy teacher in the school?" Ami asked, sitting straighter so her legs dangled off the edge of the bunk.

"Yeah, and the one who is always surrounded by gossipy girls who squeeze everything out of him!" Minako huffed, planting a foot on the window's frame, ready to jump out. "And the one who is enough of a butt kisser as to tell everything to the other teachers, too!"

"Who would believe him anyway, Mina-chan?" Ami asked, carefully coming down from the bunk. Her friend only sighed and shook her head. Ami just didn't get the quirks and problems that came along with being a superheroine, did she?

"No one, since I'm going to make sure of it," she said, tensing up for the leap.

"Okay, just make sure not to kill him," Ami nodded.

"Tsk," Minako clucked her tongue before leaping into the night. "Sure thing, whatever. Don't wait up for us Ami-chan."

And she and the cat she carried along were gone.

With a sigh, Ami reached under her mattress and pulled out a magazine. That tentacle dream always left her feeling sexually confused, and with a strange attraction to energetic silvery-haired girls…

---

The cellphone on Yuuki Rito's nightstand rang to the happy tune of Forever We Can Make It.

"Mrsh'mllow," Rito mumbled in his sleep.

The cellphone kept on ringing.

"Maaarshhh... mallooooowwww... likeeee... me like..." Rito yawned, smacking his lips together and then licking them all over.

The cellphone insisted, somehow even louder than before.

"Okay, I heard you, I'm going to—!" he angrily tried to get up, only to realize there was a very shapely and naked body right over his pajama clad form, and something very big and soft but that was not a marshmallow after all was dangerously near his mouth, and bathed in his saliva as well. His eyes bugged out, and he shrieked desperately like a girl who has just been groped in the subway.

---

"... wow," Shiho cringed as she twisted one finger into her aching ear, standing many steps away from Negi with the impassive looking Mana and the extremely nervous Sailor Mercury. "That's not the infamous The Beast, is it?" she asked, pronouncing The Beast in perfectly mangled English instead of Japanese. "It's really some girl he's molesting, right?"

"Actually," Mana said, "I heard rumors he's just a wimp who stumbles and falls on girls a lot."

"Yeah, right," Shiho snorted. "As if anyone involved in a romantic relationship with that creepy classmate of yours could be a decent person, Oneesama."

"HARUNA-CHAN IS WHAT?-!-?-!" a vastly different sounding Rito, who now sounded more like a mad bear roaring for blood, was at that moment shouting into Negi's ear, making the boy mage wince and tremble.

"Um, well, you see, Yuuki-san," Negi feebly said, "Haruna's card is still functional, at least in the sense that it hasn't 'died' yet, so she should be okay, it's just it doesn't work to contact or summon her because, in my opinion—"

"SCREW YOUR OPINION, BRAT!-!-!" a howling Rito said, making a surprisingly acrobatic Dynamic Entry through the still open window, flung in by his request by Lala, who now floated right outside, suspended in the air by the wings of her poofy hat. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HARUNA-CHAN?-!"

"Sensei!" Akira gasped, as the foot of the newly arrived boy hit Negi across the jaw and sent him flying in a screwdriver trajectory through the room, finally landing on the very same shelf the Count had destroyed during the earlier fight.

"... that only worked because it was funny," Negi groggily said from the floor.

Kotaro blinked, looking back and forth between Negi and the fuming, seething Rito, and then gave the latter a grin and a thumbs up. "I have no idea who are you, but I already like you!"

"Can it!" Rito barked at him. "Are you in on this as well?! That's it, I knew it was never a good idea to let Haruna-chan get herself involved with this! I'm going to—"

Lala gently bopped his head with a mini-mallet from behind as she gently floated in, although how gently was open to debate since the casual impact had just made him fall on his face with a huge bump on his head. "Ritoooo! Please, don't start being the domineering macho type just because Haruna-chan got herself kidnapped! I'm sure she'll be okay!" Then she looked at Akira, Mana and Shiho and asked, surprisingly cold all of a sudden, "Where's Yue?"

The three girls pointed to the next room, and Lala swiftly moved there, almost as if she had just done an Instant Transmission trick instead of rushing there on her own feet. Shiho then looked up at Mana and asked, "And what was that stupid thing she was wearing?"

"YUUUUUUUEEEEEEE!" came Lala's despairing scream as she appeared just as suddenly on the doorstep, cradling Yue's unconscious body in her arms like she was in a pieta scene, or in some kind of parody of the Crisis of Infinite Earths Dead Supergirl cover. "Why, oh why, my Yue?! The righteous wrath of the Deviluke house will avenge you, Yue! I'm in despair! Your death has left me in despair!"

"Actually, she's only asleep," Mana pointed out.

"The rivers will run red with the fluids of your victimizers!" Lala swore. "They will know a kind of fury only the daughter of Gid can dispense!"

"Only knocked unconscious. Really," Shiho insisted.

Lala's eyes burned. "Harmageddon! Destruction! Twilight! Death to all who hamper my precious! Ravaged grounds, rage from the skies! Deviluke! Deviluke!"

"They're right, Lala-sama," Peke said from the goofy hat, "I can read her life signs from here, and she's all—"

"Deviluke! Deviluke! The consort princess, taken from us far too young, shall be avenged!" she began sobbing, her knees faltering. "Yue...! It's my own fault, I should have been there, sleeping with you and Rito, to protect you both...!"

"No, really, you didn't have to..." Rito said as he rose from the floor.

"Maybe we can rebuild her! We have the technology!" Lala babbled. "Yes, this is nothing that can't be repaired by the miracles of science! Cybernetics will only make her insides cold and metallic, but her skin will keep being just as silky and fresh!"

"Okay, this is already creepier than the old guy," Kotaro decided. "Who is this wacko anyway?"

Yue mumbled in her sleep, reached for a book from a surviving shelf, and hit Lala's head with it. "Why me too?!" Peke whined.

Then Lala stopped sobbing and brightened up, hugging the groaning, still unconscious Yue. "My dear! You're ALIVE!"

"She likes Yue better than Haruna, doesn't she?" Negi guessed while rubbing his jaw.

"Who wouldn't?" Mana wondered aloud.

Rito just shot them ice cold glares. He opened his mouth to say something, but Lala beat him to the punch. "Then, I'm glad those other three friends of yours are still alive as well, Sensei!"

Negi blinked. "That's the extent of your feelings for Nodoka-san, Lala-san?"

"Well..." Lala hummed, then said, back to a strangely cold tone, "I have to admit I don't really like her subtly possessive attitude towards Yue, Sensei."

"B-but, Haruna-san and Yuuki-san, and you, well..." a confused Negi began.

Lala laughed. "Oh, Sensei, that's different! Haruna is a generous, sharing soul!"

"... Hm, okay, well, she is, but— Never mind, I'm just glad you're both okay. I brought you because I thought you had a right to know," the boy teacher sighed, forgetting to mention he only had thought that after Mana had pressured him on the subject. He placed Misora's card against his forehead again. "Misora-san? Are you ready now? I'm bringing you in."

A-All ready, dressed up, equipped, and the dummies are under the blankets, Negi-kun, Misora's voice gulped in his mind. D-Do it now... if you want, that is, if you feel I am need—

"All right," he said as he activated the teleportation feature. "Wait, did you say 'dummies', as in plu—"

Then Misora appeared before them, firmly keeping Cocone in her arms and hugged against herself. The Mysterious Sister, for she was wearing the white mask, swallowed audibly while Negi blinked several times. "Cocone-chan? Why did you come along too? How did you come along to? I didn't know you could do that!"

"Sensei," Cocone calmly answered, "Please remember a Ministra can bring artificial objects during the summoning procedure, which is the reason why they can be brought over with the clothes they are wearing at the time."

"A teleporting process that can bring clothes along with the user? What a novel idea!" an intrigued Lala said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. Rito's head grew a huge drop of sweat.

"I-I know that, but—" Negi then paused. "Oh. That's right, I'd forgotten. Your body—"

"My current body is only an artificial lifelike creation I inhabit so I can exist in this world," Cocone nodded. "That's why I can be brought along as long as Misora holds me firmly. As for why I decided to come, other than the fact Misora falls apart without me..."

"I don't, and I don't know any Kasuga Misora or any Misora period!" Misora protested, nervously eyeing Kotaro and Sailor Mercury while tightening her mask against her face. "I have no name but The Mysterious Sister!"

"... you are short in partners currently, Sensei," Cocone kept on explaining, "other than these wild cards, apparently, so I thought..."

"Wait, wait, what gave you the impression this was a partner?" asked Misora, sorry, The Mysterious Sister, pointing at Kotaro. "They've only captured him after he helped the new bad guy kidnap the others, right?"

"Ah, no, actually... well," Negi eyed Kotaro suspiciously all of a sudden, "he seemed to be in direct conflict against the kidnapper as well, and claims having been sent by the Kansai Elder, although I don't fully discard that being a staged farce just yet..."

"Hey, asshole, I even have a letter on me from the old man proving it!" Kotaro growled. "Or, um, well, I had it on me before losing all my clothes. I think it must be somewhere out there, at the side of the road..."

"I'm sure it is," Negi flatly said.

"Oh, like I care what you think about me, Four Eyes!" Kotaro shot back.

"Regardless," Negi smoothly turned his attention back to The Mysterious Sister and Cocone, "I will be taking him with me—"

"Us," Sailor Mercury helpfully interjected.

"— to face that Count character again, since there's a slight chance he might prove useful against him despite already losing twice in a row to him," Negi explained.

"I've been having an off night, that's all!" Kotaro protested.

The Mysterious Sister blinked. "Okay. Um, sure, if, if you're okay with it, so am I, I guess... ehhhhh... and what about her?" she pointed a thumb towards Sailor Mercury.

"Misora-san, you can trust me," the Sailor Senshi said, with a hand on her own chest. "You see, I am—"

"I'm not Kasuga Misora, whatever gave you that impression!" The Mysterious Sister shrieked.

"— your classmate, Ookuchi Aaaaaaakkkkk—!" Sailor Mercury stumbled forward waving her arms as someone else made a Dynamic Entry through the same window as before, kneeing her in the back and holding a clearly uncomfortable white cat under an arm.

"For Pete's sake, put it on the school newspaper already, will you?!" the blonde, leggy newcomer said angrily, before remembering the proper protocol and hastily falling into a daring, sexy pose. "How are you all doing?" she asked the rest. "Never mind about what my currently-brainwashed-by-the-enemy teammate might have told you to disorient you, fair citizens! In truth, we have no names but those given to us by the Moon Princess! We are the Sailor Senshi who fight for Love and Justice! I am Sailor Venus... and I'll punish all evil (not to mention all those who blow whistles that shouldn't be blown) in the name of Venus!"

Here she smirked and winked, while gesturing cutely with a hand around the winking eye. Everybody else in the room just stared blandly at her.

Sailor Venus' smile drooped. "No really. I have no name but Sailor Venus."

"I have no name but The Mysterious Sister!" The Mysterious Sister said, nodding quickly for some reason.

"See?" Venus told the recovering Mercury, who was cracking her spine back into shape with a grimace. "This girl gets it, even though it's painfully clear she's just that classmate of yours who is in Track and Field..."

"I've never competed in the glorious Mahora Track and Field Team!" The Mysterious Sister claimed.

"..." Sailor Venus said, dropping the cat, ignoring his loud meow of pain on impact, and then shooting Negi an icy glare. "Okay, then. What's the grave situation with the Dark Agency that demands the attention of those only named Sailor Venus and Sailor Mercury?"

"Shouldn't you try to free your teammate from the enemy's evil mind control first?" Mana dryly snarked.

"... I'm going to ignore that question from someone who obviously don't know the differences between mercenary work and superhero work," Venus decided, and kept on staring pointedly at Negi. "Well?"

"Ah, well, you'll see..." he gulped. "Maybe, maybe I should explain along the way, since we've got a deadline and..."

"Then," Cocone quietly said, "maybe I should get to the point before more interruptions arise. Negi-sensei, would you make a contract with me?"

Somewhere, Kyubey sneezed.

Somewhere else, Chamo had a dark and horrible feeling, like he was missing out on something.

---

Meanwhile, somewhere else, Asuna was coming back to her senses only to realize she was outdoors, under a pouring rain, and apparently at the middle of the large backyard of some old, dilapidated manor. She was also being suspended in midair inside of a strange construction that held her by her arms and legs thanks to thick cords of rope; but at least the construction's shape shielded her from the worst of the rain. Judging from the position of the Moon in the sky, barely visible through the rain and clouds, which she had learned to read from during her ill fated stay with the Girl Scouts trying for her Lunar Cultists Badge, she judged it was just past midnight.

And she also was in racy, frilly and skimpy white lingerie, corset and stockings included, that were not definitely what she had been wearing under her pajamas when she was assaulted. That had been some perfectly sensible and decent underwear she had been wearing at that time. With bear prints on it.

"What the hell?!" Asuna screamed. "Why am I dressed like this?!"

"Oh, look, she's awake now. I told you we should have gagged her," said a blond bishounen who sat a few feet away, playing chess with some creepy old guy who looked kind of like Christopher Lee in solid black. And a bloody patch over an eye.

"Oh, she is indeed," the old man smiled affably, lifting his gaze from the board. "Welcome to our temporary humble abode, Princess. I apologize over the choice in garments, but if you dislike them, you should discuss it with Mrs. Melona. She argued that was the best dress choice for a damsel in need of rescue."

"And I told you one doesn't bother playing dress-up with hostages," the younger looking man shook his head while studying the board intently. "One just traps them in crystals while sucking up their life energy. That's just plain, basic common sense!"

"Ignore that one, Asuna-chan," Haruna's voice came to her. "I think he's gay."

"I'm not!" Jadeite indignantly growled, half turning around to stare swords (bigger than daggers) at Haruna. "I have a girlfriend and everything!"

... well... had one... I think... back in the Silver Millennium... but that still counts, damn it! he thought while turning his attentions back to the game.

"Yeah, because a straight man wouldn't be looking in this direction right now," Haruna argued from where she was with most Ala Alba girls and those of the SOS Brigade within a massive transparent bubble, hanging in the air above the grass in the other direction across from Asuna, all of them naked as jaybirds, making Asuna gag in shock. Konoka was with them as well, although still as clothed as the last time Asuna had seen her. "I mean, even Despair-sensei and Kei-sempai are!"

"We are not! We're gentlemen!" Itoshiki and Keiichi, fully clothed as well, which Asuna vaguely thought terribly unfair, chorused from within another, smaller bubble close to the biggest one, keeping their hands firmly clasped over each others' eyes. Not too far, inside of even smaller bubbles, there were a bound and gagged Setsuna and a bound, gagged, blindfolded, chained, straight-jacketed and hogtied Matoi... oh, and a sniffing Chamo who rolled along like a hamster caught in its wheel, madly trying to roll his bubble towards the nude girls'.

"Oh, really. How many fingers I am holding here?" Haruna flipped them the bird.

"Saotome-san!" the men chorused then. "This is no moment to be rud—!"

Then, silence, as most of the nude girls kept pressing their hands even further against their own respective crotches and breasts.

"His fingers slipped," Keiichi offered, pointing with his chin towards the teacher as best as he could.

"He evilly moved his fingers away just enough for me to be branded as much of a pervert as he is!" Itoshiki threw him to the lions.

"Traitor!" Keiichi growled.

"Sempai..." Sora weakly whimpered while Skuld darkly mumbled under her breath.

"Anyway, Asuna," Misa sighed, "at least count yourself lucky you're still wearing anything!"

"Yeah, well, but at some point these perverts had to strip me down to get me into this stupid sexy getup!" Asuna protested.

"Well, technically they're right when they say they didn't do it," Sakurako pointed out. "They were actually still inside while a woman stripped you down and then put you in that lovely lingerie."

"Oh, well, I guess that's somewhat better," Asuna allowed.

"It was a woman with bunny ears, wearing a tiny French maid outfit, touching you all over with slimy pink tentacles," Suzumiya Haruhi reminisced with a goofy lecherous smile, drooling slightly as Makie shuddered in disgust.

"THEN SCREW IT, THAT WASN'T ANY BETTER AT ALL!" Asuna screamed. "Just let us go already, freaks of nature! And— wait, wait," her attention returned to Haruhi, "What are you guys doing here as well?"

"We, we, we just happened to be in the same bath as them!" that busty Sempai with the mole who always hung with the Suzumiya weirdo sobbed, pointing at Negi's companions and then sniffling.

"Figures," Asuna groaned. "Okay, Iinchou, and where are the others? Negi, Chisame, Misora, the Vice Prez?"

"Hmmm?" Ayaka blinked, snapping out from something that definitely was not staring at Asuna's scantily clad curves. She quickly recomposed herself. "Ah, we aren't sure yet, but I'm sure our fearless Negi-sensei remains free, ready to rescue us at any time! As for Suzushiro-sempai, I remain confident she also will prove resilient enough as to escape capture from these—"

"I'm here, with one of them," coldly said a short blond girl in tight black, stepping out of the mansion with an unconscious, spiral-eyed Haruka easily slung over a shoulder, despite being much smaller than the Vice President of the Student Council. "However, the church has proven to be— be—" Then all words failed her, as she came to an abrupt halt, and her face paled as she took in the sight of the backyard and its prisoners.

"Oh, but if it isn't the cutie from Kyoto!" Haruna remembered her instantly. "Good to thing you've loosened up, girl! Missed me so much you had to come here for me?" she winked, blowing a kiss to her.

The stunned Golden Darkness dropped Haruka unceremoniously as a sack of potatoes, then turned all of her hair and her upper extremities into a cornucopia of sharp blades. Emiya Shirou would probably have fallen in love on the spot. Probably. "What... What... What is the meaning of this... of this... of this ECCHI?!" she roared to the Count Graf Wilhelm and Jadeite, her eyes turning dangerously red as she pointed accusingly at Haruna. "This wasn't in the employment agreement! I specified no ecchi! You will be hearing from my lawyers!"

---

While Negi and The Mysterious Sister began to violent choke on their own saliva, and even Shiho had a cartoonishly red flush quickly going up her face, filling it, Sailor Venus looked back and forth between them and Cocone, confused. "What? What's the big deal about a little girl asking for a contract? It just means she watched too many legal dramas because someone wasn't being a good enough guardian, right?"

"I'm the darn best guardian a child could ask for!" The Mysterious Sister cried, her arms waving up and down. "And, and between mages a contract is a totally different thing, you ignorant allegedly-magical girl, you!"

"Misora-san, please, calm down..." Sailor Mercury tried to plead.

"Stop mistaking me for that person already, whoever you are!" The Mysterious Sister kept on snapping.

Rito sighed. "Venus-sama, a 'contract' or 'alliance' or 'Pactio', between mages, is a link established, normally through a kiss, between an evil, girlfriend-snatching black mage feigning cute innocence and a poor misguided and actually innocent girlfriend of someone else, which grants the girlfriend some magical powers and-slash-or artifacts to fight with." Then he awkwardly placed a small notebook and a pencil in her hands, and meekly asked, "You're the actual Sailor Venus-sama, right? Ah, well, hm, my little sister is a big fan. Could you please write 'for Mikan-chan' for her, pretty please?"

Minako blinked. "Oh. Sure thing. Anything for a fan!" As she wrote the autograph down, she stared evilly at Artemis. "You never mentioned magic users could do that!"

"... it's not something Magical Girls are supposed to do," Artemis told her. "Look, a Mahou Shoujo and a Ministra Magi are completely different things!"

Kotaro looked at Rito and asked him, "So, you're the egghead's cuck, then? Which one's your girlfriend? It's not the really pretty and strong Nee-san with bells in her hair, is she? 'Cause I can't see someone like her and someone like you—"

"I'm not taking that sort of lip from a kid wearing a little girl's blouse!" the still upset Rito told him, before taking the notebook back from Venus and bowing to her. "Thank you so very much, ma'am!" he humbly said now.

"Geez, don't call me 'ma'am', you'll make me feel old... and I'm way younger than you...!"

"What's a cuck, I don't recognize that term— Oh, that doesn't matter now!" Negi tossed his hands up. "Cocone-chan, I can't believe you're asking for that right now!"

"It wouldn't be the first time we've kissed," Cocone pointed out.

"EEEEEH?!" Shiho, Rito, Akira and Minako yelled all at once.

"Kids nowadays," Artemis shook his head. "They don't even show some token surprise when they hear a cat start talking. At least they could've pretended! Way to make a guy feel less special..." he had descended into fully ignored mumbling by this point. "I'm in despair! My being treated as perfectly normal and unremarkable has left me in despair!"

"It was, it was a Christmas party, and they happened to walk under the mistletoe, that's all!" The Mysterious Sister wailed, her eyes spiralling. "But anyway, you never mentioned you were going to do this, Cocone-chan!"

"Of course not, then you wouldn't have brought me along," her partner matter-of-factly said. "But you need some extra help right now, Sensei. All your Ministra but Misora (who's practically useless) have been put out of comission, you can't contact the authorities without endangering them, and it seems these people hate you too much to be of much help..."

"I suppose all of those are valid points," Rito reluctantly admitted.

"Although I'm well used to working with people I hate just fine," Kotaro pointed out. "Lovable fellows don't abound in my business, you know? The one guy who was blew up the moon and went to become a teacher."

"I don't even know who you're supposed to be! Why do you act as if I'm supposed to?!" Rito asked.

"Will you two please stop bickering and let us concentrate on the actual, serious subject at hand?!" an exasperated Negi told the other boys. "Anyway, Cocone-chan, that's awfully nice of you, but I'm not going to endanger you as well by... will you please start listening to me already?" he said as Cocone finished drawing a glowing circle on the floor between them with a piece of chalk. Minako and Akira were softly cooing in awe at the sight, even after all they had seen during their battles.

"I apologize. I suppose that's a bad trait in a Ministra. I'll try supressing it in the future, then," Cocone told Negi.

"You even know how to draw one! Why?!" The Mysterious Sister panicked. "Don't tell me you, you were, this whole time—!"

"Yes, I was actually paying attention. And actually, I was planning to establish a contract with someone else, but that someone else never got any of the clues I kept on throwing their way," Cocone said.

The Mysterious Sister blinked. "You were?! Wow, that person was an idiot, then. How could they ignore a sweet and smart kid like you?"

"... beats me," Cocone said.

"... dudette," Kotaro told The Mysterious Sister. "I've just been thrown into this, and I already can see the kid means—"

Without blinking, Cocone threw the chalk back over her shoulder and hit Kotaro's mouth with it before he could finish the sentence. The Mysterious Sister blinked in confusion at this, then told Cocone, "Anyway, sweet and smart or not, I don't think you should be forcing yourself on Negi-kun like GAAAAAAAAKKKKK!" she screamed as she saw Cocone pulling a reluctant but silent Negi into the circle with herself, then leaning forward and slightly up to place a small but very noisy 'CHU!' on his lips.

"... this goes into the blackmail book," Shiho droned, taking a picture of the ensuing flash, or rather what was happening within it, with her flash-proof special experimental cellphone magic app. Whatever else could be said about Konoe Konoemon, he was not one to skimp on resources even for the juniors and apprentices in his staff.

"It's moments like these that give me hope for the time and effort I've invested in you," Mana approved, patting her octopus head almost motherly.

The Mysterious Sister was still half-bristling, half-wheezing by the time Cocone finally pulled her face from the stunned Negi's, easily catching the card that had just appeared in the air in her small hand. Then, wordlessly, the small nun held it high for everyone to see.

It showed her wearing her short skirted habit, with white stockings but no shoes, and leaping dynamically, yet with a complete lack of any dynamic expression on her face. She held a gold cross in one hand, and under her image, it read Cocone- Silentium Lingua.

The Mysterious Sister raised an eyebrow. "Why... Why only one name, though?"

Cocone half-heartedly shrugged.

The eyebrow began twitching. "Don't tell me you aren't really a 'Fatima Rosa'!"

"Okay, I won't."

As The Mysterious Sister just hissed in extreme frustration, Negi finally reacted, putting a hand on his mouth. "Oh God! Oh God, what have I done, I should have... Cocone-chan, this was WRONG!"

"Why?" Cocone simply asked.

"It shouldn't have happened!" Negi protested. "It was a bad, foolish thing to do!"

"Is it because I'm black?" Cocone asked, tilting her head aside.

Negi's eyes shrank. "Bweh?"

"Come to think about it," Rito mused aloud, "All your partners so far have been fair skinned, haven't they?"

"What are you trying to imply?!" Negi cried.

"Two of them are aristocratic blondes with green or blue eyes, even," Shiho reminisced, folding her arms. "I'm not trying to outright say anything, but..."

"Then please don't!" Negi gasped.

"Is there anything bad with being a blue-eyed blonde?" Sailor Venus coldly asked.

Kotaro clucked his tongue and shook his head. "Gaijin. Always generalizing against other people! That's so racist!"

"Realize what you're saying! You're being just as racist as m— No, I'm not racist!" Negi said. "Many of my best friends are black! Like, um, ahh, there was this girl I graduated with, I can't remember her name right now, and come to think about it she was Indian, rather, but still! She was a good friend!"

Lala frowned, folding her arms under her breasts. "For shame, Sensei, for shame. I thought far better of you before this..."

Negi seemed especially devastated by this latest remark. "Deviluke-san! Not you too, please!"

There was a short silence as Negi just stood there, on the brink of tears, before everyone just decided to take pity on him and abruptly change the topic. "Okay, so, um," Kotaro rasped, "we should be going right now, shouldn't we? Wimpy here will stay to look after the Neesans, and the rest of us—"

"Actually," Mana said, "I will be staying. Not only was the man was clear he didn't want actual staff members on the scene, and I am one of those, but in the event more like him show up to claim the others, Yuuki-sempai would hardly be in any shape to fight them alone. Besides, no one has paid me to go along with you yet. As a smart man once said, if you're good at something, never do it for free."

Shiho nodded. "Well said, Oneesama! Between you and me, we should—"

Mana interrupted her. "On the other hand, you should go with them, Shiho. You're just an apprentice, not an official staffer. And the experience should do you good, should you survive it."

Shiho's pigtails all stood up. "ONEE-SAMA!"

Somewhere, Shirai Kuroko sneezed.

Mana calmly looked at Artemis. "You agree with me, don't you, Neko-san? It'd be in Shiho's best interests to go along you..."

"I don't see how! At all!" Shiho shrieked.

"Now you know how I feel," Negi muttered.

Artemis blinked. "Why, why do you say that? Ohhh... I see..." he finally said, after seeing something in Mana's eyes that none of the others could see, much to their collective confusion. He nodded. "You're perceptive. Yeah, Minako, she's right! We should take this girl with us!"

"Who are you talking to, there's no Minako here!" Venus protested. "Who was the one always being so uptight about the whole secret identity thing, anyway?! Do you know how many potential boyfriends I lost because of that?"

"I don't want any talking animals to be taking decisions on my future!" Shiho added her own protest, but then as usual Mana just stared her into mute submission. "... eeeep..."

"And I'm going, anyway!" Rito firmly said.

"You?" Kotaro snorted. "What are you going to do, beat the bad guys up with your Pokemon and Star Trek cards? Throw your housekeys at them? I've eaten sandwiches with more meat than what you have in those bones!" he laughed while rolling a sleeve up and showing his own firm, sleek muscle.

"Crass as his way of saying it is, he might be sort of right, Yuuki-san," Negi nodded. "Until the Master finishes your support training, you would only be a liability and a danger to yourself, in the battleground..."

"But I can't just sit here waiting while Haruna-chan is in danger!" Rito said. "What kind of man would I be then?! No way! I'm not sitting idle while my girlfriend needs me! No matter the risks, I'll take them for Haruna-chan! And that's it!"

Kotaro hummed. "On the other hand... I think I like you again! Even if you're a weakling, at least you'll be a man where it counts! You won't stay behind girls hoping for them to do your job for you, unlike some other people!"

"As soon as this is over," Negi coldly promised, "I swear on my honor I will be taking you one on one..."

"Taking your word on it, nerd!" Kotaro pointed at him, with a winning smile. "There's no going back on it now!"

"Just as planned, right?" Shiho observed, then told Rito, "Anyway, Sempai, if you're so set on fighting, why don't you get yourself a Pactio?"

Negi and Rito blanched at the suggestion, then abruptly walked away from each other.

Lala pouted. "So you're homophobic besides being racist, Sensei? Well, even if that's the case, I happen to have a device that would transform Rito into a girl, if that makes you both feel—"

"IT DOESN'T! IN THE SLIGHTEST!" both boys hurried to yell, before Negi added, "And I'm no racist! Or homophobe!"

"Okay, then," the annoyed Shiho said, "Then how about the nuns..."

"Gah! Gross!" The Mysterious Sister made a blocking 'X' with her arms before her face.

"Why not one of you?" Cocone asked Shiho and Mana.

"Not even if you paid me," Mana stoically said.

"How much money are we talking about here? Because that's no problem for me..." Lala began.

"Not even for all the money in the world. I make no Pactios, with anyone, never, no matter what," Mana matter-of-factly stated. "And what kind of girlfriend offers to pay for her boyfriend to kiss another woman, anyway?"

"I'm not his girlfriend, I'm his fiancee," Lala said with no trace of sarcasm or irony.

"If she's his girlfriend, why can't she just kiss him so we're done with this nonsense?" Minako mumbled, gesturing towards the pink-haired young woman.

"It won't really work if she's not a magic user, or at least a chi user," Shiho explained. "And I'm not doing it either, I have a boy I like and like hell I'm kissing a man other than him. Why not you two, then? You're still magical! Maybe it'll work!"

"Yeah, well, sorry, sister, but we're in the same boat. Right now, I have another boy I really want to settle with, and I'm not going to cheat on him," Venus rejected the offer.

"You don't even know his real name or intentions or place of residence or—" Akira started.

"Look, I know he's the one, right?!" Minako snapped. "Why don't you do it instead?"

Akira blushed adorably. "But, but I couldn't, it's just plain wrong to kiss someone you don't even know, and who is the boyfriend of a classmate..."

"Finally, someone with common sense on this room!" Rito threw his hands up, thanking the Heavens.

Then Negi walked back through the hole in the wall, holding a box he had just brought from his living quarters. He opened it, pulled a pair of ancient looking handguns, and placed them in Rito's hands. "Have you ever shot at the county fair, Yuuki-san?" he asked.

"Eh? Ah, actually, I'm very fine at those games, I've actually won a lot of prizes for Mikan, but that's surely not the same—"

"These aren't as good as the ones Yuuna-san uses, but they still shoot trusty stun magical bullets, and they helped me... somewhat... when I first fought Evangeline-san. As long as you keep yourself behind Deviluke-san you should be okay, although I still believe you should stay and—"

"I said I'd take my risks!" Rito huffed, adjusting the guns' holder around his waist. "Okay, everything's settled now, right? So let's go!"

"By the way, if you break those, you owe me a small fortune."

"Just one moment, please," Sailor Mercury meekly said. "Negi-sensei, these... these 'alliances' you get from kissing people... um, by now, how many girls, how many have, have you and—"

"Counting me, he's just reached fourteen," Cocone plainly said.

Akira's face grew bright red, and she began choking in her saliva. "F-Fo-Fo-Fourteen?!"

Negi, horribly embarrassed, lowered his gaze and nodded in shame.

Akira abruptly turned around and ran out of the room bawling. "NEGI-SENSEI, YOU PERVERT...!"

"..." the others said.

One moment later, Akira walked back sniffling and rubbing the tears off her face with the back of a glove. Sweatdrops abounded. "Okay, I'm, I'm okay now. I think. Good enough to go save Maki-chan and Yuuna-chan, I bounce back easily, I'm stronger than, than, and, and— You didn't kiss Maki-chan too, did you?!" she screamed at Negi.

The child cringed. "Ah, no, actually, not her!"

Akira sighed in relief. "That's good. She's so innocent, and pure, she—"

"She did kiss with Skuld-san instead, tho'," The Mysterious Sister said.

Akira began growing red and making incoherent frantic sounds again, greatly scaring Negi and Artemis.

Minako gave Misora a truly weirded glance. "What kind of strange fetishistic club are you guys into, anyway?"

"You know, of late I've been wondering that a lot, myself..."

---

Nagato Yuki easily blocked out the noise around her to concentrate on touching the bubble's surface, slowly sliding her fingers across it looking for a spot to exploit for an eventual escape. As she did, she was well aware of the nervous way Asahina Mikuru was discreetly looking at her, but she ignored that too. There were far more troubling concerns at hand.

At first, she only had wanted to get a precise reading of the situation. An immediate escape was not in her plans. She figured, the way events habitually took place, Negi Springfield and Inugami Kotaro could handle this themselves. And she was sure somewhere, in his unconscious, Kyon-san was deriving some slight measure of basic male pleasure from it all. Which she supposed he had earned after so many iterations of being at the other end of the stick.

Yet she was now realizing that, when it came to altering and exploiting the structure of this bubble keeping them captive, her protocols had been denied. Someone in the Data Overmind had obviously learned well from past experiences, and did not want to run the risk of Nagato growing attached enough to mankind to help them any more than strictly necessary. However, she had decommissioned Asakura Ryoko herself and kept her locked up in a coffee mug, so that could only mean—

Nagato looked into the dark depths of the old backyard, and close to the once-flowering plots Aisaka Sayo had once cared after, where now only wild weeds grew, she saw, for a fleeting moment, the image of a girl in a Mahora High uniform with long light green hair standing hidden while looking coldly at her. Kimidori Emiri. Of course.

Nagato just nodded, conceding this round graciously. This would be a problem in the future, most likely. It could mean Kimidori had definitely outranked her, overall, when it came to the Mahora jurisdiction. Didn't they trust her that much anymore?

It occurred then to Yuki she perhaps was thinking of the situation in far too human terminology, so probably the Overmind's upper control echelon was correct.

Stupid endless summer. It was all that stupid eternal summer's fault!

"It's all my fault, sorry, I control the water, if I had been in that bath with you, I could have saved you, or not, because I'm so incompetent.." a nightrobe clad Kaga Ai lamented, stuck between Haruna and Yuuna, both of whom were more annoyed by her constant whining than by the sounds of Golden Darkness beating up, then throwing Jadeite aside before personally confronting the Count himself.

Facefirst on the grass, twitching, Jadeite weakly croaked, "H-How could this be...? I'm a Dark Kingdom General, for Beryl's sake!"

The Count only smiled as Golden Darkness held a blade arm to his throat, apparently finding her terribly amusing. "What is the problem, my dear? I seem to recall you had wanted to see your perceived nemesis in our power. Why are you so upset over seeing her here now?"

"Maybe she wanted to get her hands on me herself?" Haruna wondered aloud. Then she winked at Yami. "Don't be mad, Goldie, you can still do it! Just shed that nifty black number and get in here with me," she purred, making room for her. "There's still enough space by me, and the dress code isn't an issue..."

"It's not that!" Yami growled, her face flushed. "But I don't work with ecchi. And you have all these women naked or in their underwear, and that's definitely ecchi!" she pressed on, literally, in the case of the blade that nearly was cutting into the demon's flesh now.

"Oh, so it's about that," the Count said. "Well, don't worry about it. Rest assured there's nothing sexual about this for me. I'm not even of the same species as they are!"

"Neither am I, and I still wanna get in that bubble so much!" Chamo cried, still trying to roll closer to no avail.

Yami nodded firmly. "He has a point there. I've seen far too many cases of non-humans wanting humanoids for ecchi purposes."

"You can't argue with that, as anyone who has ever watched a tentacle hentai knows," Haruhi nodded.

"Oh please," the Count sneered, taking a hand to his chin and then pulling the skin up. Everyone in the bubble, even Haruna, cringed back at the sight of the layer of flesh being tugged off revealing the hideous features of a horned beast with glowing red eyes. Sora even fainted. Only Haruhi only chewed on her lower lip, her eyes growing starry.

"Kinky..."

At this point even Mikuru had enough of that and let out something she had wanted to say for a long, long, long, long, long, long, did we mention long?, long, long, long time now. "What the hell's wrong with you?!"

Yami didn't even flinch. "What about it? That doesn't prove anything. If something, the uglier and more inhuman, the more perverted they are. Have you heard of the stories of... Happosai?"

"Grandfather was a good and kind man who taught me everything I know and believe!" Haruna cried. Yami and the count stared at her in horror.

Haruhi nodded again. "Again, you show a surprising knowledge of how these things work, Imouto-chan. I'm impressed. How many times have you been with a—"

"Shut up!" Yami commanded. Good gods, but perhaps this woman was even far worse than the one they called Saotome Haruna. A truly scary thought if there ever was one.

"That's why, for all my evil, there is no perverted intent in this pinnacle of beauty," Jadeite said, now sitting on the grass and tossing some perfect hair back like a male model. Yami, without turning back, just kicked him in the face.

"I don't think you have to worry about them in any case, Miss," Itoshiki casually said. "I'm sure they're both gay."

"What the—?!" Jadeite shook a fist angrily at him. "I've told you already, I'm not gay!"

"I do think the gentleman doth protest too much, don't you, Morisato-san?" the lanky teacher asked Keiichi.

The younger man sweated ice. "Sensei, do you want to die...? Oh, no, wait, dumb question."

Yami raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? Well, I will admit they both look the part..."

"Why do you all keep saying that?!" Jadeite screamed. "I'm not gay! Whatever gave you the impression I wasn't perfectly straight, other than not wanting to look at underage human flesh?!"

"Well, you couldn't look more fab-u-lous if you tried," Haruna opined.

Jadeite was at a loss about that. "... was that intended to be praise?"

"Then, are you a cake eater?" Misa said. "My parents are all but divorced! And my mom's hot, as anyone related to mine would be! What do you say, you let me out of here and I hook you up with—"

"No! What kind of pathetic attempt to win me over is that?!" Jadeite said.

"See? Gay. As gay as they come," Itoshiki said.

"It's not that I have anything against gays, two of my best friends are gays, well, more like we're colleagues and they're always trying to backstab me, but being gay or not doesn't have anything to do with that!" Jadeite ranted. "Still, I'm not gay, and why should I stand being called gay if I'm not gay?!"

"That's such a gay thing to say," Itoshiki said.

"RRRRRRRR!"

Yami lowered her blade. "Okay, you've convinced me. You're gay."

"I'M NOT!"

"Them being gay doesn't mean they couldn't be setting this up as an ecchi way to film us naked for the enjoyment of straight men willing to pay for it, however," Sakurako piped in.

"That's true," Yami nodded, and placed her blade back at the throat of the Count, who by now simply rolled his eyes mildly annoyed. "Ecchi is still ecchi no matter the motivation."

"This bores me, young lady," the Count casually swatted her sharp instrument aside, not hard enough as to make her reel back or anything. He pulled the mask of humanity back down and said, "Everyone is innocent until otherwise proved, is not that right? So be a fair hired hand and carry on our previously agreed terms without turning on me for such flimsy reasons. That is what any good professional would do, and I understood you were the best professional money could buy. Though I recognize your grievance about a possible breach in the working conditions as outlined by our contract, I assure you nothing of the sort is going on. Or perhaps I should have gone for that Lobo fellow?"

Yami grimaced in extreme disgust and turned her hand back to normal. "No. Never that ecchi filthy no good piece of—- Look, I'm much better value for your money than him, right? Very well. I will trust your total lack of interest for these naked harlots for the time being and assume you just happened to catch them that way and you didn't bother to dress them up."

"Naturally," the Count affably said. "Does the naturalist bother to place little clothes on the insects he catches for his collection?"

"Then why did you have me dressed this stupid racy way, you creep?!" Asuna yelled.

Yami listened to that, then raised an eyebrow at the Count.

"Discuss it with Melona," the Count adviced her. "Her idea, not mine. Anyway, our guests are about to arrive, no doubt bringing the final member you failed to retrieve. As a way to atone, I would be thankful if you dressed for the ocasion as befits the employee of a noble as myself."

Then he presented her with a folded French maid outfit her size.

"... this is ecchi too," Yami said.

"No, it's not ecchi!" Haruna said. "It's just cute-sexy! And you'd look great in it!"

"... I don't want to wear it," Yami told the Count.

"There's nothing sexual about it," the Count insisted. "I'm telling you it's just part of social protocols that are older than ourselves. I will pay you two hundred extra."

"Seven hundred," Yami said.

"Three hundred."

"Six hundred," she countered.

"Four hundred."

"Five hundred and fifty. My final offer," Yami coldly said.

The Count nodded. "You're a good negotiator. So be it!"

"I'm doing this only because you look so gay to me," Yami warned him. "Ian Mc Kellen gay."

"But he looks like a shaved Saruman, not a Gandalf!" Yuuna protested. "Seriously, girl, you need to work more on your Peter Jackson!"

Jadeite gave the Count a tired glare. "Are you actually gay, or you just don't mind for some reason?"

"Why? Interested, young man?" he asked back.

"NO! I'M NOT GAY, DAMMIT!"

"Ah ha ha ha!" the demon lord laughed at him. "Well, neither am I. But when one's actually not gay and sure of his own masculinity, one doesn't need to fear what the children will think on the subject."

"I'm sure of my own masculinity! I'm not gay at all! Now you too?!" Jadeite madly fumed, starting to pace back and forth across the wild lawn. "I'll make all of you pay for this offense! I'm all man!"

"Seriously, this guy would be much happier if he just came out of the closet already," Haruhi said.

"For once we agree," Yami nodded. "Living in denial can be such a painful thing..."

"I'M NOT IN DENIAL BECAUSE I'M NOT GAY!"

---

A sleek, masked figure clad in elegant formalwear, complete with a top hat, moved through the Mahora night with graceful litheness, hopping from rooftop to rooftop. It was actually easier than what the mysterious person had been expecting when they had started doing it, especially after remembering the apparently insane ramblings their latest paramour had with them during their pillow talk.

Back then, the one who now called themself the Black Rose Baron had thought he only was spouting nonsense, which to be frank was one of the things that made him so oddly endearing. But now the Baron realized there had been all sorts of helpful tips on how to do the whole superhero/vigilante routine well hidden within those rants. Perhaps he had been subtly trying to talk them into becoming his sidekick?

After all, the way he complained so much about those 'Bob', 'Weasel' and 'Al' fellows, the Baron figured out he was more than ready to try new assistants in his line of work.

The Baron's inner musings on this and on how Mahora was actually duller and more peaceful than they had been expecting (which only proved how utterly fortunate the Baron had been until this point!) were interrupted when they saw a pair of girls in criminally revealing sailor fukus hopping across another line of rooftops a couple blocks away, seemingly not realizing the Baron's presence. They seemed to be preoccupied by something important. Maybe the Baron should go to them and introduce themself, offer their help? That was standard superhero protocol, wasn't it? And this was technically their territory. The Baron only hoped they didn't have to go through one of those obligatory superhero fights their lover had told them about so often. The Baron really disliked fighting for no good reason at all.

Then the Baron saw another figure flying after the two Senshi in a very familiar staff, with a cursing, terrified girl with octopus red hair clinging to his waist, and their— okay, well, shit, who are we fooling?— her heart sank suddenly, ice filling her throat. What was Negi doing venturing out this late with vigilantes? AND WITH A GIRL?! Had he become a pimp Casanova so soon? Not even Uncle had started so early!

Her dread only grew up when she saw a girl with long pink hair (and a tail!) and holding a grumpy orange hair boy in her arms flying after Negi, followed by a masked Catholic sister carrying a little girl on her back, running from one rooftop to another while just leaping acrobatically over the street gaps.

... okay, Negi WAS involving himself in extremely dangerous out of control situations while here, of that there was no doubt...

And wasn't that why she had come to this strange country in the first place?

So the Black Rose Baron, Nekane Springfield, ditched her routine nocturnal patrol and set out to follow the uneven troupe from a safe distance to watch.

---

Of course, there was someone else in Negi's current party, someone who could smell and hear almost anyone from what most people would think a safe distance. Someone who was far stealthier than the rest of the group put together, too. Fortunately for Nekane, that person chose to play along, being naturally drawn to the thrill of an added challenge, even when his best instincts and upbringing and nagging memories of his mother told him otherwise.

Kotaro moved through the shadows of the rooftops trying his best not to be left behind by Negi's nun chick (damn, she was fast, too. Even when obviously holding back in fear of actually reaching their destination). He half-smirked to himself as he listened to the weirdo in drag (for that had to be a girl in drag from her scent alone, and his views on crossdressing weren't exactly progressive) rushing after them, doing a mostly okay job of staying secret against those without superhuman senses.

He only wanted to see what was her role in this, yet to arrive to the rendezvous location as soon as possible as well.

"Not that I'm complaining," Rito dryly complained from Lala's arms, "But it's kind of embarrassing for a man to be held this way while in transit to save his girlfriend."

"Your fiancée," Lala corrected, then corrected herself, "Well, our fiancée. And I told you, you could have let me change you into a girl if that made you feel better about it..."

"No, not really," Rito sighed while resigning himself to his fate and trying to ignore Lala's bosom being pressed against him, perhaps more tightly than necessary. He wanted to believe it was only her way to make sure she wouldn't drop him accidentally. As it was, it was taking all of his control and heroic resolve to focus on Haruna's rescue and not on his incoming nosebleed.

"Aisaka Mansion..." Sailor Mercury pondered as they closed in to the river, "As in 'Aisaka Sayo'? That absent girl in our class roster?"

"Actually," Negi said from above. "She's a ghost hanging around Seat One. A fairly nice and likable girl at that. I hope you'll be able to meet her soon."

"Hopefully not as another ghost," Minako said as Akira blinked in surprise. "I never heard about that old house being called 'Aisaka', though. Everyone calls it just 'that old haunted house where we play courage dares and have haunted house se-'"

"It would seem the official name was struck from the records for some reason," Shiho said loudly as the old house came into view. At this point the buildings stopped being a thing they could run all over, so the runners just dropped to ground level and took it from there. "I can feel a barrier set around it," she added, taking two fingers to her forehead. "A powerful one, as well."

"No wonder. They are waiting for us, after all," Negi tried to smile, steeling himself. "If any of you wants to stop here, I won't hold it against you."

"Actually, I—" Shiho began.

"We're all fine!" Artemis said from where he clung onto Minako's right shoulder. The apprentice miko pouted at that.

As they came to a stop before the huge, foreboding dusty house, its front doors went open with a loud, threatening creak. Lala carefully put Rito down on the grass, everyone falling into defense stances as three figures walked out from the inside, chuckling perversely...

Three tiny and slimy, very cute, figures in French maid uniforms.

"Greetings, Negi Springfield and friends!" one of them spoke with a voice that was just as cute.

"The Master is waiting for you," another of them said.

"We are the Slime Sisters!" the third Slime said.

"My name is Ame," the one with glasses and a ponytail said.

"I'm Purin," the quieter looking one with long hair introduced herself.

"And I'm Surimu!" the chipper looking one with her short hair in two pigtails grinned.

Negi's group fell into a baffled long silence.

And then Lala squealed loudly, her eyes and tail taking on clear heart shapes. "OH MY FATHER'S GOODNESS! THEY'RE SO CUUUUUUTE!"

"Yeah, we get that a lot!" Surimu giggled.

"And highly vivisectionable as well! What I could learn from this all new species unknown to Devilukean science!" Lala kept on gushing, rubbing her legs together over and over.

"... eeeeeeehhhhhh, well, let's just leave it at 'cute'," Ame replied.

"Come in, come in!" Surimu cheerfully invited, gesturing to usher them in. "Don't stay out there in the cold! It'll start raining again soon, you know!"

"But this is a trap," Rito observed. "I mean, it's obvious it's a trap!"

"Of course it's a trap, that's why you came in the first place, isn't it?" Purin asked. "But you still have to see if you and your friends can survive it. That's what heroes are supposed to do, right?"

"I heard your father was a great hero, Negi-sensei!" Surimu chirped, extending a long, slimy arm and grabbing one of Negi's wrists, pulling him in. Venus, Mercury, Shiho, Cocone and Misora all instinctively jumped back, hands clasped protectively over their crotches at the sight of the appendage. "You know, our father was a great hero as well!"

"Although he was never there for us," Purin distantly reminisced. "Then again, that's what great heroes are prone to do, isn't it? They're too great for small things like their children."

"Oboy, someone needs some family therapy," Venus opined, carelessly walking in and taking on the sights of the ruined mansion's living room. "And a duster. And a nice vacuum. Some soap and rags too. And an exterminator. For a three-maid team, you don't do much housekeeping, do you? Even my bedroom's in better shape than this."

"Only because of your roommate, though," Artemis muttered.

"What was that?" Minako asked.

"Nothing," he sighed.

Negi, meanwhile, shook the slime tentacle off and frowned. "I'm sure my father would have been always there for me if not for—"

"Sure, that doesn't negate what we're saying," Ame said. "The problems of larger than life people are, well, larger than the lives of those around them!"

Rito grumbled, his hands in his pockets. "I can tell you, it's not just heroic parents who never have time to spend with their children..."

"Seriously?" Lala hummed. "My parents rule three galaxies and are always there whenever we call for them..."

Rito flinched. "Oi, Lala." he said as Negi and the slime sisters gave her envious looks.

"How about your parents, Mysterious Sister-san?" Surimu asked Misora.

She blinked. "My name's Mis— I mean, how did you know—? I mean, my parents are dead!"

"Oh, we knew that too," Ame said.

"We read the profiles on all of those who were sighted with Negi Springfield in Kyoto," Purin added.

"We only asked to make you feel worse!" Surimu concluded, and the three sisters high fived each other. "Although a big bunch of them seemed to have disappeared. We were originally going to use the girl you'd introduced as your cousin Nelly in this plan, but no matter how hard we tried we could find her. You didn't kill and eat her did you?"

Minako sweatdropped. "... there's being a bad guy, and then there's being a bitch..."

"We aren't heroes like our father," Ame smiled.

"That's why we have time for each other. And our dear mother!" Surimu said. "Family is important!"

Lala rubbed her chin. "So, what you are saying is, villains have time for their family but heroes don't? My father is the great hero of the galaxy, however, so..."

"Yeah, of course, there's no way Mikado-sensei could be right about him being a cosmic despot," Rito mumbled.

"You're right, there isn't!" Lala said brightly. "So you girls are obviously wrong in your cynical views!"

Purin frowned at her. "Who are you, anyway? We don't have any data on you..."

"Oh, for the love of—" Kotaro sighed, pulling the bottle out and uncorking it. "Will we just cut through the crap already and seal these three lil' boogers?!"

"EEEEEEEE!" the three sisters shrieked, running to hide behind Negi's legs.

"Do it and the Master will get angry!" Ame said.

"He's watching over this! Take one of us down, and he'll take one of your friends down in retaliation!" Purin said.

"Besides, we're supposed to show you the way! Not to fight you! He wants you to be fresh and in top shape by the time you get to him!" Surimu said.

Negi blinked. "Huh? And why's that?"

"He wants to see how much of a threat you can be," Purin informed. "So he wants you to fight him to the death at the best of your capacities!"

"Something he couldn't do back in your dorm room," Ame finished. "Here, however, you won't be interrupted by anyone..."

"A threat? A threat to whom?!" Negi said. "I only want to teach my class peacefully and find my... Oh. Oh, I see. Now I remember."

"Wha-What do you remember?" Misora warily asked him.

Negi bit on his lower lip. "He told me he could tell me about my father's whereabouts. Well, then, far be it for me to keep nobility waiting," he resolutely said, rolling his sleeves up and stomping ahead. "Take me with your leader!"

"Aren't you going to say you come in peace?" Ame said.

"Nope, definitely not in peace," Negi said, belatedly realizing the reference. "From the looks of it, this is going to be a 'blow up the White House' visit."

---

"And they're in," the Count smiled at the images displayed in the crystal ball the frowning Jadeite held floating in his open right hand. Yami had been already dispatched and thus was unable to comment on the ridiculousness of the whole scene. Since Chisame was not present either, there was a regrettable lack of Lampshade Hanging and critical commentary. "Excellent, excellent. Now we have all of those we were looking for, plus a few nice extras."

"If you were looking for all those who were in Kyoto like you were saying," Asuna said, "then what about Kaede and Ku Fei and Mana, and Iinchou's maid Roberta and Chachamaru, Not to mention Nee-sama and—"

The Count waved a hand in exasperation. "None of them count as official members of your little association!"

"Seriously? Because I think Chachamaru totally counts at this point!" Asuna said. "And then there's Eva-chan, who—"

The Count glared at her. "Let us be serious. Do you think me suicidal enough as to go after the Dark Evangel?"

"Okay, good point, but still, all the same, you know she'll be pissed off at you when she learns you took away her best students, her loved— oh God, we're so dead, aren't we?" Asuna sighed. "Why couldn't you have been stupid enough to go after her?"

"And unavenged," the Count nodded while his attentions returned to the ball. "Jadeite, the Sailor Senshi are yours as I promised. Do to them as you wish."

"As long as it isn't anything perverted!" Asuna pointed out.

"Hadn't we already established he's gay?" Haruna asked.

"Gay guys can still do perverted thing to girls," Asuna asserted.

Haruna nodded. "In the end, all buttholes are alike."

"I'm not gay!" Jadeite said, then snapped his fingers as a strange figure rose from a black distortion on the ground before him. "Murid! Come forth to your master!"

The figure that had just appeared at his command was a young woman with a faint smile, light pink, curly hair and light blue eyes. She wore a gold tiara and a pink, blue, and white dress trimmed in gold. She made a delicate courtsie to Jadeite and primly said, "I am at your full service, My Lord. What do you wish from me?"

"Whoa, what a cutie!" an interested Haruhi said.

"He's still more feminine, though," Misa said.

Sakurako rolled her eyes. "Girls, must you keep insisting someone else's homosexuality as something to mock and taunt?"

"Your case's different, Sakurako-chan!" Makie reassured her. "You aren't a homosexual, you're a lesbian!"

"And it's more like we're mocking his ridiculous denial of his obvious homosexuality," Haruna pointed out cheerfully.

"That's still the same thing, Makie," Asuna told her. "A homosexual is a lesbian with a penis. Wait, no, that's not the way it is either..."

"I'm not a lesbian! I mean, I'm not a— Ooooohhh, forget it!" Jadeite hissed. "Murid, just go inside of that manor, separate the Sailor Senshi from the rest of those idiots, and destroy them!" Then he handed her a small camera. "And then take a selfie with their dead bodies so I can rub it in Zoicite and Kunzite's faces."

"Technically, since I would be the one destroying them, My Lord," the youma said, "shouldn't I be the one taunting them about how I killed—"

"Just do it!" he growled.

"Yes, My Lord," she bowed again. "Your wish is my command, My Lord... gay," she muttered under her breath.

"What was that last part?!"

"Nothing!" she said, and quickly disappeared the same way she came.

"See, even your henchwoman thinks you're—" Haruhi began.

"Not! A! Single! Word! More!" Jadeite threatened.

There was a beat. Haruhi was never any good at following directions.

"So, seeing as you're supposed to be some evil villain, do you pimp out your evil minions in exchange for goods and services too?" Haruhi said brightly.

"That 'too' is very ominous," Madoka said, glancing at Mikuru, who blushed.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said, hanging her head in shame.

Working at that construction site just so Haruhi could use their jackhammer had been a horrible experience.

---

As the Slime Sisters led Negi's group into an abandoned, yet still majestic and imposing room with a domed ceiling, Ame conversationally asked, "Would you like to know the story of the family that used to inhabit this place?"

"Enlighten us, please," Negi requested.

"The Aisakas were a clan of local notables that fell into disgrace when the war started," Purin narrated. "It didn't help that they had made their money through dealings with the West, and the government began seeing them as a liability. Several of them moved to other cities and rebuilt their fortunes there, but the head of the clan was a stubborn man, and stayed here with his daughters even when the bombings started."

"Was one of those daughters named... Aisaka Sayo?" Misora warily asked.

Surimu hummed. "I think that was the name of the one who died during the War, yes." She smiled faintly over her shoulder and back to Misora. "Friend of yours?"

Misora scowled. "I like you guys less and less with each passing moment. Anyway, how did this Aisaka Sayo—"

Then a very attractive young woman appeared in their way, blocking their path. The slimes came to a sudden halt, and so Negi's team did as well. She was petite but well curved and also wore Meido, with cold green eyes, long blond hair, and a decidedly unamused expression on her cute, pale face.

"It's you," Negi recognized her. "One of those who attacked the girls in Cinema Village...!"

"I see they were precise in their descriptions," she said, bowing to them. "You must be Negi Springfield, and I am Golden Darkness, assassin to royalty. It's my pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Yeah, I remember you," Kotaro snorted. "You were one of those other yahoos the monkey hag hired. Do you make a habit of working for old farts and calling them 'royalty'?"

"I did say I kill for the royalty, not that it was the only thing I ever did," Golden Darkness calmly answered. "And the Graf is technically only nobility. Regardless, Negi Springfield, his Ministra Magi, those calling themselves the Sailor Senshi, and even you, Inugami Kotaro, can walk past this point. But you," she pointed at Shiho, Lala and Rito, "are uninvited guests, and as such I must ask you to leave or fight me."

Shiho turned around and tossed her hands up. "Well, it was a nice guided tour while it lasted! Best of luck, every— EEEEEEEHHHHH!" she said as Surimu grabbed her by the waist with a tentacle and flung her further inside, past the unfazed Golden Darkness. "Ah! My tentacle purity! I can never get married!"

"MUNAKATA-SAN!" Negi screamed, rushing to her aid without being stopped by Darkness.

"This," Golden Darkness told the slimes, "is undermining what I had been told to do. I am not pleased."

"We don't want anyone to leave, we wanna have our own piece of the fun," Ame said, her body beginning to shift, grow and undulate slightly. "You can have the pink haired one and the simp, but we want the one with tentacles in her head. Maybe she's related to us, see."

"Papa was a very wild man, see?" Surimu chuckled, while Purin shook her head in disapproval.

"These aren't tentacles, they are cute pigtails, you monsters!" Shiho cried while Negi helped her back to her feet. "What nerve!"

"So," Lala said, far more seriously than her custom, startling Rito, "you are Golden Darkness. You recognize me, don't you?"

"Who wouldn't?" Darkness asked back. "The first princess of Deviluke. The one reputed to have defeated Kalibak of Apokolips in unarmed combat."

"And to make him squeal like piggy," Lala nodded.

"Yes, that too," Darkness nodded back.

"It was a lot of fun, actually!"

"It indeed sounds like it was..."

Rito, startled, looked back and forth between Lala and the blonde. "Wait, what?! Is she, is she an alien too?!"

"It seems she took a couple of wrong jobs and had to hide in an unadministered world," Lala smiled tensely.

"I was set up," Darkness passively said. "I don't expect you to believe that, though. But at this point, I'm so sunk, and so desperate from living in this place, it makes little difference to me if I attract the wrath of Gid upon me. One way or another, at least this way I will go in a blaze of glory, facing the best the galaxy has to offer."

"You do realize," Lala frowned, "that if you killed me, Dad wouldn't care about blowing everyone in this planet just to get you, don't you?"

"Then kill me yourself instead, Princess," Golden Darkness said, as each of her arms became a long, sharp spear. Misora gave a short shriek of terror.

"Rastel—!" Negi began to chant, but Lala stopped him with a gesture. "Deviluke-san?"

"Just call me Lala, Sensei," she quietly said. "Take Rito and the others with you, I'll handle this myself. I'll catch up to you later."

"What? No!" Rito said. "I can't leave you here alone, Lala!"

"Haruna needs you, Rito," Lala argued. "Go with her. I'll be fine."

This seemed to surprise Golden Darkness slightly. "Haruna? As in Saotome Haruna? What are you to her?"

"Um, she's my girlfriend. Why?" Rito innocently asked.

Darkness' eyes became blood-red, and she charged directly at him. "DIE!"

"AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" Rito shrilled, trying to leap out of the way.

---

"Ah!" Haruna gasped as she craned her neck, trying her best to get a good look at what Jadeite's crystal ball was showing. "Rito-chan! Oh, no, it's all my fault! If only I hadn't been that... ecchi... to Goldie-chan! Though it's nice to know Rito-chan is going to fit right in with my family."

"It's a real pity when life lessons come this late, isn't it?" an amused Jadeite commented, moving his hand and turning the image off. "Well, I figure you don't want to watch what comes next. I will mercifully spare you the sight of your beloved getting torn apart by another woman. Don't ever say I'm completely evil, heartless and without pity. Aren't I nice?"

"Ghah! No, no, don't do that, you jerk!" Haruna bashed her fists against the bubble's surface. "Let me keep watching! I've gotta know!"

Jadeite smirked as he twisted a finger inside one of his ears. "Sorry, but I think I'm too gay to hear you."

"Good thing you adm— HMMMPHHH!" Haruhi said before Haruna clamped a hand on her mouth.

"Okay, sorry, you aren't gay, I take that back!" Haruna cried, panicking to a degree that startled the other girls. "You're manlier than Chuck Norris, but please just let me watch, or better, call Goldie back, please!"

Jadeite simply hummed to himself as he turned his back on them. "Sorry, to gay to give a damn."

The Count sweatdropped. "What a degenerate..."

"Damn you, I'm going to beat you black and blue if you don't—!" Haruna then turned to Skuld, who had remained sitting silent and hugging her knees since they had been brought in. "Sku-chan, do something! You're a goddess, for pity's sake!"

"She is?" an intrigued Haruhi asked. "Goddess of what? Goddess of lolis?" She looked at Madoka. "You know anything about this?"

"The only God I believe in is the one I'm praying to right now so I can wake up already," Madoka flatly replied.

"I think Kyon-san is asleep right now," Mikuru said timidly.

"It won't do any good for her," the Count said. "She is a fallen according to Heaven's laws, and thus has forsaken her realm's protection. Such foolishness. Her sister would have never—"

"Don't start talking about Belldandy now, demon!" Skuld growled furiously, lifting her gaze from her knees. "Your mouth should be catching on fire just from mentioning her name!"

"Actually, I meant your other sister. You had two, remember? About yea high, bears a strong resemblance to my liege, her mother?" the Count shrugged. "Lady Belldandy, of course, was always too soft-hearted towards humans. For all the good it did her!" He nonchalantly patted his mouth, which by some strange coincidence seemed to have caught on fire.

"Shut up shut up shut up!" Skuld bashed a bare foot against the bubble. "You're a disgrace even to demons! Even Mara would sneer at you! Any runaway spirit chaser would point at you and laugh! Why, even Hussein's wimpy fat bitch would—"

Jadeite raised an eyebrow while his crystal ball glowed, and he gestured over it, before saying, "Lord Wilhelm. Take a look at this."

"What is it?" he said, walking back to the other man's side as the girls and the two men tried to look at the ball again (Chamo had just slumped into helpless sobbing and was beyond caring).

They saw a figure in white with a long cape on their shoulders, moving around the manor's front and trying to find a way around the invisible barrier blocking access.

"Who's that costumed wacko?" Haruhi sneered. "What a dorky looking loser!"

"It's that Black Rose Baron chick we met a couple weeks ago," Haruna reminisced. "I mean, Nodoka, Yue and me. What is she of all people doing here?"

"That's a girl?" Madoka squinted, trying to get a better look. "Looks like a man to me!"

Haruna sniffed, touching the tip of her ahoge. "My girl-dar never gets it wrong! And Chamo-kun also can vouch for it, can't you, Chamo-kun?"

"Life is a dark and miserable thing..." the ermine mumbled to himself, sobbing softly. "I'm in despair! My helpless incapacity has left me in despair!"

Itoshiki nodded somberly as he rubbed his nose from his off-page sneeze. "I'm glad you finally have seen the light, Chamomile-san. The darkness, I mean. Now, will you please stop stealing my catchphrase!"

"Let her in," the Count told Jadeite.

"What?" Jadeite growled. "Are you insane, old man? That's a Tuxedo Kamen lookalike! Do you know what happens whenever you put a Tuxedo Kamen in the same location as the Sailor Senshi? Whenever I have them on the ropes, somehow he always manages to save them, even though usually all he does is throw a rose and give a corny speech!"

"Let her in," Wilhelm insisted. "I recognize her despite her disguise. It's... someone I never expected to see again. In her own way, she could be almost as valuable as the boy."

"No! No, I won't!" Jadeite refused. "The equation is simple! Me plus youma plus Sailor Senshi equals beaten Sailor Senshi! Me plus youma plus Sailor Senshi plus Tuxedo Kamen equals a perfectly good evil scheme foiled! Now I've got a way to keep that interloper out, you can't ask me to let his cheap copycat in, genderbent or not!"

The Count sighed wearily, then swung a fist and easily punched Jadeite across the jaw, sending him flying at the other end of the backyard, completely unconscious.

"Whoa!" Haruhi flipped around to look at the downed General and laughed. "You got knocked the fuck out! One Punch! One Punch!"

"Now, that wasn't a very nice thing to do..." Konoka softly chided. "But thank you all the same, Demon-san."

---

"This is completely wrong!" Negi complained as he, the Sailor Senshi, Kotaro, Misora (and the Cocone on her back) and Shiho rushed down yet another narrow, dark hallway of what was starting to look like a maze, following the slimy trail of the mischievously giggling and surprisingly fast moving Slime Sisters. "We shouldn't have left Lala-san and Yuuki-san behind like that! What if they get themselves hurt? I'd never forgive myself, could you?!"

"Pretty boy, must we remind you you're on a deadline?" Ame's voice taunted him from ahead. "If you don't defeat the Master before dawn, and that'll be here soon enough, then you'll never see your friends again!"

"Are you sure you have the time to waste on ganging up on a little girl, you bully?" Surimu's giggle mocked him next.

"Don't worry about them, Sensei," Minako forced a smile. "I know how these things go, they're an old staple of shounen manga! The hero's party must get split on their way to the Big Bad, with each companion fighting a different evil minion! In the end, everyone does their part and all enemies are beaten, except a few ones who escape to set the next arc up! That's how it works!"

"That's from the 90's!" Misora wailed. "It's outdated! What if this is all a ploy to distract you with a seemingly-relevant fight only for them to defeat your weaker members who were off training offscreen so they can't participate in the big fight? What if there's a fight off-panel? We can't know what happens in the fight if it's off-panel! Sure the goodguys never lose when you're reading about them, but if they're off panel, they might get their ass kicked by a crazy psycho lesbian yandere kohai with glasses despite their recent and cool-looking power up!"

"That's a really specific example, Misora-chan," Mecury said.

"I'm the Mysterious Sister! Who is this Misora you keep mistakenly talking about?"

Kotaro snorted from a corner of his mouth. "What's a girl doing shounen manga? Girls should read shoujo, men should read shounen! It's right in the names, for Kami-sama's sake!"

"What a sexist boy, good manga is unisex," Purin opined. "By the way, you weren't a part of the team we were hired to gather either, Inugami-san, so we're afraid you must be the next one to be dropped from this tour."

"What?" Kotaro scoffed. "What the heck are you talking about n—"

At that point, something huge stomped through the ceiling, or rather the upper floor's, well, floor, opening a huge hole through which it fell, sending wood splinters everywhere as it violently crashed down on top of the surprised Kotaro, slamming him down very roughly.

"Inugami-san!" Negi cried while Misora, Akira and Shiho shrieked, and Venus hissed under her breath. From the dust cloud its violent stomp had produced, the titanic figure that had just fallen on top of the stunned, groaning half youkai rose, fixing the small and really bad wig (it was so obviously a cheap toupée!) on his head with an oversized hand, each of his fingers almost bigger than Negi's whole hand.

He was well dressed like a butler, but otherwise looked like a brutal Frankenstein's monster– well, American Movie Frankenstein's monster. Film producers were unable to process the fact the orginal text talked of a cute girl in a wedding dress and sexistly changed it– with a vicious scowl on his face. He made no sound, however, as he easily lifted the groggy Kotaro, lifting him by his blouse like a literal puppy. In a blouse.

"That's Mr. Walter, another of the Count's hired help for his stay in Mahora," Purin dutifully informed the rest of the group. "He's a big fan of the sartorial stylings of the famously trendy Solomon Grundy. And I believe he is not pleased one of you is not following the proper dress code to visit the Master. Men must wear shirts, not blouses."

---

Meanwhile, while Rito tried his best to survive and keep himself out of direct harm's way and wildly trying to look for a good place from where to shoot Negi's antiques, Golden Darkness and Lala kept on clashing repeatedly, moving around the spacious room almost faster than Rito's eye could follow much less ever give him a decent target. Lala seemed to be having a relatively easy edge, although he couldn't tell if she was straining herself or not. For once she was not smiling, if that was an indication, but then, the few glimpses he got from her face showed more concern for the one fighting her than any fear for her own safety.

"I'm impressed," Golden Darkness said as she swung a foot that had just turned into a large spiked ball, which swung right over Lala when the pink haired girl ducked. "You are certainly no sheltered princess. I see your lauded victories were, after all, genuine."

"What's the point in any other kind of victory?" a genuinely curious Lala asked, trying to punch her face and just barely missing.

"Indeed, what?" the blonde asked back, her hair turning into several dozens of limbs finished in massive fists, trying to pummel on Lala from all sides.

"Yours is a simply fascinating case of adaptative polimorphy!" Lala gushed as she moved between the fists trying to crush her, studying them with a clinic eye and a mesmerized smile. "Won't you let me study you in a proper laboratory? I'd pay you any fee you'd request for it!"

"Going into labs is the one thing I won't ever do again for any amount of money," Darkness frowned while also turning her hands into blades, and kicked one of Lala's feet aside when the princess attempted to kick her midsection. Before any of you feels the need to comment on that remark, please keep in mind she phrased it as the only thing she would never do again. Never doing ecchi things doesn't count in this context, since, if you have never done something in the first place, you can't possibly ever do it again.

"Will you let me take some samples then, please?" Lala asked, giving her huge Bambi eyes while bringing her hands together and just keeping Yami's attacks at bay with nothing but her legs and the occasional hip sway. "There's no harm in that!"

"No, I won't do that either! Please take this seriously, spoiled princess!" a frustrated Yami said while pressing on the attack almost frantically by now.

"Okay, then you've forced my hand!" Lala pouted, pulling something from her cleavage and making Peke gulp. It was a tiny silver device, on which she pressed a button while yelling, "STICKY GOOEY LAUNCHER-KUN!"

"... what in the..." Yami blinked as the tiny device quickly changed into a big and bulky, black and white bazooka-like gun, which Lala effortlessly aimed at her... and then fired.

Yami could have dodged it easily had the fight been outdoors, but her maneuverability was limited within the Aisaka ballroom, and so she was hit by the barrage of sticky, pink (and yes, gooey) projectiles just shot at her in quick succession. Reeling back through the air, she slammed her back against something very loud and panicky she had been accidentally thrown into. She could swear she had just heard bones snapping, but she knew such a basic strike could not have harmed her, so what—

Oh. Of course, she thought as she heard the Princess suddenly scream in shock, "RITO!"

"—uuuughhhhh!" Yami heard the growl of pain of the pathetic male she had forgotten about during the last few moments, and then she felt him squirming against her back. Disgusted at his touch, she tried to pull back from him, but found the substance the Princess had caught her in kept her rather well-pinned against him... and him against her, and both of them against the wall, as it seemed. "I… I can't breathe...! Lala...!"

Rito, mostly submerged in the pink stickiness and choking on it, spat some of what had slurmed into his mouth before madly feeling around for something to grab onto and use to pull himself free. it was difficult since most of his view was blocked by black cloth and pink grossness, but he persevered over the next couple of moments, until he heard a loud female gasp and felt his fingers squeezing something very soft and yet firm. Just as the back of that hand was brushing against cloth.

It took him a moment to realize he was sticking his hand under the crazy girl's skirt and squeezing one of her buttocks (he hoped, because the alternate was…), before she swung a foot and her head back at the same time, simultaneously punting his crotch and headbutting him.

"Guh, I'm sorr—" he managed to gurgle before surrendering to unconsciousness.

---

"Inugami-san, hold on!" Negi said, gripping his staff and quickly deciding on what kind of spell to use. "You, drop Inugami-san right now!"

Kotaro dryly gurgled something that probably meant "Screw you, I don't need your help!" as his fingers twitched, and those around his throat constricted tighter.

Cocone simply raised the small cross that was her Artifact and blandly said, "Divine punishment from above, please."

Instantly, there was a loud crackle of booming thunder, and a massive bolt of lightning descended from the skies, falling through the upper floors of the mansion and squarely landing on the giant's head, blowing him and Kotaro away in opposite directions while miraculously not setting anything on fire.

Somewhere, Kyon rolled over and muttered in his sleep, dreaming about a strange alternate universe where he and Koizumi were girls, Haruhi, Nagato and Mikuru were guys. Guy!Nagato waved at him.

Negi himself tumbled back and dropped on his butt, and the slimes cried as the force of the bolt's fall sent them flying against a wall, where they splattered into a single sticky blob.

"I think you have my foot on my chest, Surimu," Purin said.

"Actually, that's my leg, I think," Ame replied.

"The hell? Lightning doesn't work like that!" Surimu cried.

Kotaro coughed loudly after finished rolling across the floor, then rubbed his throat and yelled at Cocone, "What the hell, little girl! You could have killed me! WHAT IF I HAD DIED?!"

"... he was about to choke the life out of you anyway, wasn't he?" Cocone asked. "Besides, that's such an Itoshiki-sensei thing to say..."

Misora and Negi sweatdropped. "We've got to see if that Artifact can do anything else..." Misora said while Negi refocused his attention on Walter, who was rising back to his feet, visibly shaken but quickly recovering. The brute looked around for his toupee, finally found it, lifted it only to realize it had been reduced to a few burnt scraps, and the viciously huffed towards what we will call the Negi-gumi by now.

"Duodecima—" Negi began to chant, but then Kotaro placed a hand on his chest, grumbling.

"Don't bother. If he wants to pick a fight with me, fine, I'll give it to him," Inugami said, narrowing his eyes at the juggernaut. Who was not The Juggernaut, mind. We had enough X-Men villains to last us a while in the Kyoto arc.

"But, he's just kicked your ass and was about to—" Sailor Venus piped in.

"Dammit, woman, he took me by surprise! Things will be different now!" Kotaro protested, flexing his claws back and forth.

Somewhere, Haruna's dad sneezed.

"Wasn't that what you said about Graf Wilhelm right before he defeated you again?" Negi asked.

"Shut up and let me work here!" Kotaro angrily spat, throwing the bottle at him, which Negi easily caught in a hand much to the slimes' annoyance. "You just worry about your friends, not about me!"

"Well, that'll be easy," Negi muttered.

Venus placed a hand on Negi's shoulder. "He's right, Sensei. Come on. I told you, that's how these things work..."

"I'm telling you your views are too dated to the nineties!" Misora protested, drawing Cocone against herself. "It's the 21st century! That means he's going to get his ass kicked, but a new character will be introduced to rescue him."

"Hey! I don't need rescuing!" Kotaro protested. They ignored him.

"I could give him another jolt..." Cocone began to offer.

"NO!" Kotaro stomped, then grunted while changing into his much taller lycanthrope form, towering over his allies. "This is my fight now! I'll take down anyone trying to butt in!"

Venus blinked. "... wow. That's... kind of really hot, actually! How old you are, again? And it'll be in dog years, right, so you'll be older than you look?"

Akira sweatdropped. "Venus..."

At that point Kotaro just had enough and kicked them all hastily into the next room.

"Why me too?!" Shiho whined as she was punted through the air. "I didn't even say anything!"

"I thought you didn't hit girls!" Negi protested as his face hit the floor.

"I don't! I just punted at the air right behind their butts, and the air pressure—!" Kotaro began before being grabbed by Walter and pulled back to be quickly pummeled by his granitic fists.

"It sure felt like a kick..." Akira moaned, rubbing at her aching posterior with a hand. "Shouldn't we regardless—"

"That's so hot!" Venus sighed, rubbing her own ass.

"DAMMIT, JUST GO ALREADY! YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!" Kotaro said as he began savagely clawing and slashing at the body of the mountain-man currently jackhammering at his head.

"I would think the headache is rather caused by—" Shiho began before just being pulled along by a deeply sighing Negi.

---

To be Continued.