Title: Security
Author: Still Awesome2009
Rating: T- for possible adult language
Warning: Not really a warning, just information about the fic- It's a SONGFIC I wrote to the song Security by Joss Stone if anyone wanted to listen before they read. It is un-betaed and all mistakes are mine. And it is a multi chapter fic taking place at different periods of time before Stanford. And just to kid of elaborate more on the song choice- I wanted the lyrics to be what Mary would be saying to John and the boys, her plea for them to move on. I wrote this as my entry for the Theme Challenge- June 2008 at SFTCOL(AR)S.
Summary: John never felt any pain like it, losing Mary was like one thousand and one needles being shoved into his eyes. It was worst than dying. It was worst than eternal hellfire. And he couldn't have survived without Sam and Dean by his side. They wouldn't have survived without Mary watching over them.
Chapter 1 0f 2
November 2, 1983
A loss that would have thrown
A hole through anybody's soul
And you were only human after all
So don't hold back the tears my dear
Release them so your eyes can clear
I know that you will rise again
But you gotta let them fall
I wish that I could snap my fingers
Erase the past but no
You cannot rewind reality
Once the tape's unrolled
John sat on the hood of the Impala, the only thing that remained of the life he lost mere moments ago. Sammy is crying, like he wishes he could, but he had to be strong because Dean was watching him. Dean was watching, waiting for his Daddy to say that everything is going to be okay, that his Mommy is going to come back any minute now and tuck him into bed with a kiss and stories of angels. And it hurt John to his core of his soul as he turned to the four year old and said, "I'm sorry Dean, but I don't know. I don't know if everything is going to be okay, but your Mommy is fine, your Mommy is watching over you and Sammy."
"Daddy, when can we go home?" Dean asked.
John almost didn't hear Dean as he continued to try to calm Sam. "I'm sorry, Dean…" God he was saying that a lot now… I'm sorry Dean your Mommy isn't coming back… I'm sorry Dean we can't go home, we're homeless… "We can't go home tonight." Not ever.
"Mr. Winchester?" It was a fire fighter.
"Yes?" John asked looking up at the man.
"We are still trying to determine the cause of the fire, and uhm…sorry can we talk in private? An office r can watch your boys, if that is okay? They can hang around in the fire truck with the dog." He said eyeing the little boy and crying infant in John's arms.
"Uhm, sure, that would be better. Thank you." John agreed as him and the fireman escorted the boys to the red fire engine. "So?" John asked stepping away from the fire truck.
"Mr. Winchester, I'm Captain Joseph Rogers. I wanted to give my condolences. I, like your sons, lost my mother in a fire. I was seven, and I know, personally, that that kind of loss can be devastating." John nodded. It was all he could do to keep the tears at bay. He didn't want to believe his Mary is gone, but this man's words confirmed it. "I really hate to do this so soon, but it's probably better to do it now rather than later." Joseph took a breath. "You have the all clear to save any of your belongings from your home- clothing, pictures, memories, whatever is salvageable. Just know that you're welcome to come back later, it is after all your home."
"Thanks." John shuffled back and forth on his feet. He needed to do this now. "Did you find her… her body? I just, I need to know."
"I'm sorry. My men are still trying to get the body out. Uhm, Mr. Winchester- John- I really think you and your boys need to get out of here when we get the body out, a body bag can really mess children up- nightmares, depression." John nodded in agreement. "The others and I are willing to allow you and your boys to stay at the station until things are settled, but if you would rather stay in a hotel or with relatives we will get you there. We just don't feel right letting you go off without knowing your boys have a place to stay tonight."
"Thank you for the offer, Dean would really like that. He's always wanted to be a fireman." Joseph smiled; he could tell John loved his family. He just wished the man would shed the tears that were clearly being held back; show just an inkling of emotion. It just isn't healthy to hold those emotions in like that.
"Hey Deano, do you want anything from the house? I'm going to some of our stuff for the night." John asked the four year old who was softly talking to his still crying baby brother.
"Can you bring Mommy and Blinky? I think Sammy misses them." John almost lost it; he could feel the sting of tears trying to find release at those innocent words.
"I'll try and find Blinky for Sammy." John answered.
"And Mommy, don't forget Mommy." Dean added as his dad walked toward the house.
John wandered through the hallways looking at the pictures the fire and soot destroyed. They were all gone, all their family's memories- Sam and Dean's christening pictures, he wedding, the picture of him and Mary before Dean was—John looked at the picture. Him and Mary took that picture the day they found how they were going to have a baby. The glass was broken and the frame brazed, but only soot got to the photograph. John took the picture off the wall, maybe it could be saved.
John walked into Sammy's room, he had to see it, and he had to know if he really saw Mary. The room was completely destroyed, even if Mary was in there she had no chance. Sam's crib was blackened and burnt. That could have been my son tonight, oh god I could have lost my baby boy. How could this have happened? "How could god let this happen?" John whispered to himself.
"Sir, this room's off limits. You can't come in this room while we are working." A fireman ordered. John took one last look and turned around.
"Stop wandering around John. Find Blinky for Dean and get your kids out of here." To say Dean was obsessed with Blinky would be John smiled as he remembered the four year old boy in the hospital bed with Mary and Sammy. John tried to stop Dean from climbing onto to the bed, because of the equipment, but Dean was on the bed before he could do anything to stop him. Dean just wanted to know why his baby brother was crying, Dean insisted it was because Sammy was scared so he decided he would share it to Sam. The way Dean carried around that blanket John started to wonder if Dean thought it shielded him from bad stuff. Later Dean confessed he gave up Blinky because when Sammy cried it made him sad.
John looked around Dean's room. It wasn't as damaged as Sam's room. And John was thankful for that, because he found Blinky rather quickly. It was in a storage chest under Dean's bed.
"Mr. Winchester are you almost done in here?" It was Captain Rogers. John hadn't even heard him enter. "They're about to carry your wife out. "
"Yeah, for now…just let me get some clothes and diapers for the boys." John said as he quickly picked out some clothes from the metal storage chest.
"Don't worry about it there is plenty at the department." Joseph said as he guided John out of the house.
John placed Sam in the crib that was donated to them by the fire department. "Dad?"
"Yeah, Dean?" John asked
"Don't forget to give Sammy Blinky." John smiled at the four year old.
"Wouldn't think of it, Dean." John said as he tucked the cotton blanket around the Sam. He calmed a little, but still refused to stop crying.
"Daddy, I think Sammy is sad."
"Why do you think he's sad Dean?" John asked, he knew Dean's game and he was willing to play along.
"Because Mommy's not here…when's she coming back?" Dean asked as he curled into his dad's side.
"Dean…your mom-- your mommy isn't coming back." John could feel Dean's green orbs looking at him, and it burned.
"But, you said she was watching over us." Dean cried, "Where's she at? If she can't come back, we go see her."
"Dean, Mommy is in…mommy's in heaven. We can't visit her for a long, long time." John ran his hand through the four year old's hair. He was trembling, and from what he could tell they weren't stopping anytime soon. "Shh, Dean…It's going to be okay." Lie!
John sat there until Dean fell off to his dreams, he could only hope they weren't bad. "God, Mary how am I supposed to do this alone?" John asked the heavens. "What am I suppose to do?" John breathed deeply, he had tried, he really had, but the tears were flowing down his face like a waterfall—and he couldn't stop them.
If your spirit's broken and you can't bear the pain
I will help you put the pieces back
A little more each day
And if your heart is locked and you can't find the key
Lay your head upon my shoulder
I'll set you free
I'll be your security
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