If only
If only it hadn't happened. If only I hadn't shouted at her. If only I hadn't said she was a stupid ape.
If only I hadn't taken her to watch her father die. If only I hadn't asked her twice. If only she either said no, or said yes the first time.
If only she hadn't worked at Henriks.
If only the Nestene Consciousness hadn't been there. If only I hadn't wanted to show off, hadn't taken her to the end of the world. If only I hadn't taken her to Cardiff by accident. If only we hadn't met Charles Dickens's. If only Gwyneth hadn't died.
If only so many things.
If only I hadn't miscalculated. If only I hadn't let her be missing for a year. If only I didn't like Chips. If only she didn't like Chips.
If only I hadn't sent the missile. If only I hadn't met Harriet Jones. If only I hadn't suggested she became Prime Minister. If only I hadn't made her lose her job later on.
If only I hadn't taken her to Van Statten's museum, even though something was crying for help. If only she hadn't touched the Dalek. If only it hadn't killed herself. If only Adam hadn't come.
If only I'd said he couldn't come. If only I'd told them both No. If only I'd had the courage to tell her how I Felt about her, and why I always let her do what she wanted.
If only I hadn't taken them there. If only e hadn't gone and got the chip in his brain. If only she hadn't lent him her phone. If only he hadn't been an idiot. If only he hadn't been a stupid Ape, like she wasn't.
If only I hadn't followed that thing. If only I hadn't landed in the War. If only Jack hadn't been so stupid. If only the Ambulance hadn't been full of Nanogenes. If only Nancy hadn't lied about Jamie. If only she'd told him the truth.
If only Jack hadn't tried to be so brave. If only Jack hadn't come to travel in the TARDIS. If only he hadn't been annoying. If only Margaret Blaine hadn't tried to kill me. If only Margaret Blaine hadn't been a Criminal. If only she hadn't been born a Slitheen.
If only we hadn't gone to Satellite five. If only the Daleks hadn't been there. If only we hadn't been separated.
If only she hadn't tried to save me. If only I hadn't regenerated.
The Daleks, if only they hadn't come back to life, hadn't survived the Time War when my own kind couldn't.
If only I hadn't sent her away, if only she hadn't come back. If only I hadn't changed, If only I hadn't regenerated, if only.
If only I'd been given tea sooner. If only I hadn't lost an arm to the Sycorax. If only we hadn't thought that Jack was dead.
If only Queen Victoria hadn't started Torchwood. If only Queen Victoria hadn't been a Werewolf. If only Cassandra hadn't been on New Earth. If only she hadn't possessed Rose.
If only there weren't Paradoxes. If only I'd told her about Sarah-Jane and the others, if only I'd been honest.
If only they hadn't argued. If only Sarah-Jane had come with us.
If only that hadn't happened to Chloe Webber. If only the Abzorbaloff hadn't existed.
If only Rose hadn't said Never Ever. If only the ghosts hadn't come. If only the cult of Zkaro wasn't real.
If only.
If only.
If only she were still here. If only I'd been able to get her back. If only Torchwood hadn't been so stupid.
If only.
If only.
If only.
If any of those things could have ended differently, who knows where Rose would be now. She could be here, alive, she could be with her mother and Mickey, alive.
She wouldn't be trapped in a different universe. I'd have my Rose.
Even if I was dead, she wouldn't be.
My Rose. My beautiful Rose, gone, lost. I'll never see her again, and I miss her. I haven't enjoyed bananas as much after she left. I don't feel happy enough to like them.
I needed Rose. She was a light in my darkness. After the Time War, all I could do was save the Earth. My favourite planet.
Gallifrey was gone; I couldn't travel with a human. She was different.
I asked her twice.
I never asked anyone twice.
Any small decision could change so much.
With Donna, she turned right instead of Left, and it was a disastrous world.
Not completely. Rose was there, Rose, alive, in that world, but she was alone. She didn't know the truth. I'd never been able to tell her. On the beach, Bad Wolf Bay, if only time would have given me a few more seconds. I would have been able to tell her how I felt. She admitted it, she told me how she felt, bit I didn't have the chance.
I did have the chance. I had it oh so many times, but I was too scared to tell her. Too worried she would hate me; make me take her home if I admitted that I loved her.
What could I do? How could I get her back? Bad Wolf was on the TARDIS.
Written everywhere.
She was Bad Wolf. She would always be Bad Wolf, it would always be inside her. It would never leave. No matter how hard she tried. No matter what I did, she would always have the Time Vortex inside her.
Another thing I needed to tell her.
I forgot about it on the beach. I was too upset.
She was changing. Time did that. It was changing her, changing her body so that it had two hearts and could regenerate.
I was happy; I knew I wasn't going to be the Last Time lord. I didn't want her to have the burden, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.
She didn't know. I couldn't tell her. Never could.
I missed her. I wished she was there.
Donna uttered those words. Confusing. They made sense when I turned around.
"Why don't you ask her yourself?"
She was back.