A heartfelt love letter from me, the most awesome human being ever created, to you, Spiderparker. Erm, Spiderman. Yup, it's me, Deadpool. Making your biggest wish come true.
I have officially decided to make you my petit ami as the fancy French say. You probably ask yourself now why I, such a handsome and amazing guy and the most famous bachelor of all time, would chose you – a guy in a deadpool-rip-off-suit who is just half as handsome and half as funny?!
Well, part of it is probably because you kinda look like me in that suit and let's be real, I'd fuck myself all the time if given the opportunity – but I also feel like you're the beans to my burrito, the feeling when you peel off your skin after being in the sun too long or jerking in your own face – sorry, I got carried away a bit.
I mean, imagine conquering the world with me. Just imagine! Go on, do it, I'll wait. Or don't. Let me tell you about. It would be fucking awesome. Imagine me and you, yeah I named myself first – suck it up – riding on the back of a dolphin through the streets, singing Mr. Brightside while waving cotton candy and – what? Wait, you don't know Mr. Brightside? How old are you again? Hmm. Well. You'll need to learn the lyrics. It's a masterpiece. See, the reader has got that song stuck in their head now for days. DAYS! Just because of me. I'm so freaking lit. Wanna feel my gains? What that means? Excuse me you were like a teenager yesterday – cuz you're like twelve hehe - didn't your mates tell you anything, fam?
Anyways, where was I? Let me read that again…Hmm hmm suck it up hmm hahah I'm so funny. What did you just say? I'm like Kanye West? Well, I'll take that. His rap skills are kinda weak these days but I have a weakness for great booties too so – yeah yeah I know you said that because I love myself quote "wayyyy toooo muuuuuch" – pffffft. Fuck you Spiderman. Or no, fuck me, you delicious little arachnoid. See what I did there? I'm fucking smart as hell.
What do you mean I'm rambling? Huh? Yeah, sure it's a love letter. I said nice things about you above, look at it you ungrateful shit. What do you mean you're not actually gay? Who the fuck cares? Look at me. Just look. Do it.
Ya ya, that's my cock peeking out. Thought you'd like that. It's only its little pink head, don't scream so loud. It's actually kinda cute if you take a closer look. Go on. No, I won't put it in your mouth. Don't raise your eyebrows on me I'm not – well fuck it, yeah, I'd put it in your mouth. They're on fleek by the way. Oh come on, you should get that. Teenagers nowadays!
COMIN OUTTA MY CAGE AND I'VE BEEN DOING JUST FIIIIINEEE… still one of the best songs of all time. WHAT! Who let the dogs out? Are you fucking serious you webhead moron? That is like, by far, the absolute worst song ever. Even Ryan Reynolds said so. And he's kinda cute so it's true.
How about I just show up all the time you're fighting crime? We could call that a date. I mean it is a date, sorry, you have no say in it. Why won't you just love meeee. I mean I'm obviously perfect for you. Thousands of people think so and – how I know that? Have you been on the interwebs (hehe) lately? Here. This right hereee is called a fanfiction. Don't blush so hard, baby boy, this isn't even a juicy one.
You have a letter for me too? Ohhh I'm so excited and I just can't hide it laalalaaaa – give it to meeee. What does it say? "Fuck you, Wade." Oh I can work with that. Hey! Stay here! Alright, then leave. I'll see you on our next daaaate, babe!