A Letter Never be Sent

Chapter 1

Kenshin,

I made a pot of tea, to enjoy this precious afternoon alone.

Fall has come early this year. During these days, maple leaves had turned red gradually. I was reminded of two years before, when you newly became an inhabitant in Kamiya dojo. I couldn't help but smile at the bitter-sweet memory.

It seemed so long ago.

Today is the day for you to pay a visit to Tomoe-san's tomb.
I didn't go with you this time because I thought you might want to do it alone.

Before we became a husband and a wife.

I never told you how I managed to figure it out after that fateful day.
Jin-chuu had somehow intensified my determination to be near to you.

Nothing more. Just to be with you.

Weather in Kyoto this time is rather unsteady, exactly like the atmosphere here decades ago.
One moment it is sunny and warm. Only a blink the cloud and wind would make this city seem so distant, almost a little creeping.
I started to imagine how a fifteen-year-boy tried frantically to stay sane with his ideal in this city.
Regardless of the balance between justice and craziness he was losing.

Until the smell of white plum secretly refreshed his sense.

The wind gusted. I remembered this morning, when I insisted on bringing an umbrella with you before you set off.
"No need to worry about that, Kaoru-dono. I'll stay at Shisho's cabin if it rains," you had smiled. A little absent-mindedly.

I sighed. It's interesting how you manage to affect my mood unwittingly. You never really realize that.
Still, I can't and wouldn't like to let you do.

When you first told me about Tomoe san, my mind was flooded with all kinds of emotion.
I've never known a person can feel so helpless before. But I have then.
Once, twice, you thought you've finally made it through, but a second later, you found yourself to be at the bottom again, looking up from the endless hole.

I knew that you refrained from talking about your past in front of me.
But you don't have to say out loud.
I can see or rather feel it from the way you walk, the way you speak, or the way you cast you eyes on the mountains faraway.
I thought I had understood you enough before the confession you made, but obviously my positiveness has blinded my sense.

I'm not a selfless person.
And I must admit that when I asked you to stay with me forever, I was determined to ignore that, you might have someone else on your mind, that you might meet someone who is better for you if you had continued your journey.

Baka ne, I was.

I constantly had a dream after we returned from Kyoto.

It always started with a starless night, and I suddenly discovered that I was somewhere in Kyoto.
The street was desert. All I could hear was the thumping of my heart, so loud that it hurt.

And there you were, standing right in front of me, holding a blooded katana, carrying another one at you waist.

The keen aura around you told me you were the young beast, the most fearsome nightmare in those bakumatsu officials' dream.
But all I saw was a lost teenager wearing the fresh cross scar, battered both in mind and spirit.

You spoke quietly, still with the same look you gave me as the one when those fireflies dancing around.

And then you told me, or rather to someone that only you could see, that you were sorry, to use me to ward off your fear, your past, and your loneliness.

It's funny that even in battousai's appearance which you considered as the darkest side of your mind, you still kept telling me you're sorry. But all I could do back then was gasp while watching you drive the sword into my heart.

'It hurts... How it hurts...' was my last thought.

After that I would woke up, tears and sweat all over, with a thundering heart.

So loud it hurts.

A/N: At first, I was intended to integrate this story into another fic of mine, "The Road of Sword". But all of those data collecting was driving me crazy. So I decided to write what I want to most, which is this fic. I've seen the new OVA, Seisou Hen, and was inevitably affected by the power of it. But most of this story was plotted before that. I can even said proudly that the scenarist of the OVA seems to have the similar idea as mine when it comes down to Kaoru. However, I was still a little disappointed with "Seisou Hen". I'll try to present my idea in this fic.

Anyway, please let me know what you think. It'll make me improve.^^

Ja, matta ne.

Yawarako