I guess you could say that this wasn't supposed to happen. I mean we are best friends and roommates for fucks sake. But you can't always control who you fall in love with.
I started to develop feelings for Dan a couple years ago. I thought it was just a stomach flu at first, because I thought I was a straight man. I figured shortly after six months of this "stomach flu" that it was something different.
I never thought I could have feelings for him. I've dealt with his bullshit for quite sometime now and not to mention the age difference. I mean, he's 22 and I'm 26 going on 27. I know it's only five years apart, but, and this is embarrassing, I haven't even been with that many girls as Dan has.
Maybe I should have figured it out then. I don't even know how it happened. One day, he is my best friend, and the next I'm falling for this British lad, and I'm falling fast. It took me two years to fall in love with him and everyday I fall a little more in love. He stole my heart and I have no idea how he did it.
I tried to think… think of the all the things I love and all the things Im not enthusiastic about. When I tried to think about them, all that came up was Daniel James Howell. He has been racking my brain for four years. I've managed to keep it under control, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it under wraps.
Yesterday I had this horrid dream. I dreamt that life was perfect, but then I realized it wasn't as perfect as I thought it was before and these feelings surfaced. It was me and Dan living together as boyfriends. And then something changed. Dan changed. He said he was pitying me and didn't ever care about me. He said all these hurtful things, but only one stuck out. He told me that I would never have a chance with him because he doesn't like gays. I woke up because I had realized I was crying. Not the fake shit, but I was full-on sobbing. Dan came in because he heard the muffled sobs.
_F•L•A•S•H•B•A•C•K_
"Phil, what's the matter? Are you okay? Did you have a night terror?" I nodded, unable to speak.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head because I didn't think I could talk about it without bursting into tears. He continued talking in a soothing voice, trying to calm me down. "Phil, it wasn't real." Dan kept saying, "It's okay. I'm here. Don't worry. I've got you safe. Do you want to come and sleep in my bed tonight? Maybe it will take the terrors away?"
"Y-y-yeah. S-s-sure." That's when he knew it was a horrible night terror. I always stuttered when it was really bad. He looked at me sympathetically as we both got up and went into Dan's room.
"Cuddle with me. SuperDan will protect you from any night terrors you have tonight." I moved closer to Dan and, since he was taller than me, I fit perfectly.
_end of flashback_
And that's how I woke up cuddled with Dan in his room. I woke up before my SuperDan and decided to get up and make some food, but every time I tried getting up Dan held me closer and tighter. I swear I heard him say, "Stay with me. Please, stay with me."
Of course my brain had to pull me back into reality. 'He would never say that. He doesn't like you like that. You are his BEST FRIEND and that's it.' Well, that ruined my morning.
Dan finally woke and realized that he still had his arms wrapped tight around me. He let go quickly and looked like he was blushing, but it was probably my imagination. I asked what he wanted for lunch since we slept so late. He said he wasn't hungry and seemed more interested in my night terror.
"Phil?" I nodded for him to continue since I was cooking now that we were both in the kitchen. "What was your night terror about? You can tell me. I swear I won't judge or make fun of it. It must have been horrid to make you start stuttering."
I started to get nervous. I sure as hell wasn't going to tell him the whole thing. So I thought about and decided to only tell him one part.
"Well Dan, we were hanging out and then all of a sudden you were angry at me and said that you never really wanted to be my friend and that you just pitied me and that's the only reason you stuck around." I heard him get up and walk over to me. But what happened next surprised me.
He came up behind me and hugged me. Though I found his action weird, it was really comforting. He looked at me strangely.
"What?" I asked him. He just shook his head.
"Nothing. Just having an awesome day with someone who is very important in my life," he whispered the next part in my ear, saying, "that's you, Phil." I could hear him smile as he was said that.
'Maybe he does like me more than a friend… just maybe.' I pushed those thoughts to the back of my brain as I told Dan he didn't have to hang with me today.
"I'm sure you have much better things to do than hang out with me. I'm not a very fun person you know." He just shook his head and told me that we were going to hang out whether I liked it or not. And that was the problem. I wasn't going to just like it. I was going to love it and think everything meant so much more when all it was was two friends hanging out.
I got ready for a day with Dan which would consist of us doing nothing but playing violent videos games. When Dan plays them, I can't help but stare at him. He's absolutely adorable. I just want- stop! I can't keep having these thoughts about Dan.
"Phil… Phillll…? Are you alright man?" I nodded and we spent the rest of the day playing games and talking. He asked me if anything or anyone was on my mind and I did my best to lie, but it was no use. He knew I was lying, so I told him that there was this person but the person wouldn't ever want to be with me and I didn't want to talk about it. And that was that, Dan didn't try to push the subject any further. I asked Dan the same thing and he said, "Not really. There is literally no one who would feel the same as me."
Around midnight, I told Dan I was off to bed. I said goodnight and went to my room. My thoughts clouded my brain like a thick fog where you can't see two inches in front of you. I tried to sleep, but it was no use. Every dream I had was about Dan.
I swear… this boy will be the death of me.