TIME
It's been a hard day. Billy has suffered through a number of unsatisfied customers, a broken ice machine, and the bartender has called in sick. But, he handled everything with a smile, a smile he doesn't feel but has to put on so no one can see how unhappy he is at this time. But, always in the back of his mind is Victoria. Sometimes he just sighs and whispers her name to himself, before continuing on to his next task.
They haven't spoken in two days. Prior to that, only brief conversations about Johnny since she asked him to leave over two weeks ago. So, he did, spending the last 14 nights at a motel. He couldn't go to the club, too much temptation there. He's glad he finally told Jack about the gambling and winning the restaurant in a poker game and as Billy had hoped, there had been no judgment, just understanding and support.
Driving back to his hotel room, he is thinking about Victoria, and what he can do to win back her trust. He knows she loves him as much as he loves her, but, like his mother said, it's hard to repair a relationship once the trust is broken. He misses her, everything about her. The way she cuddles up next to him at night when they both are sleeping and the way she wraps her arms around his neck when she kisses him or scratches him under his chin. He misses her laughter and burnt cookies. The way she holds Johnny and nuzzles his check or the way she plays with Delia. He misses the thousand different ways she loves him. But, he knows he can' continue to repeat his past behavior of trying to drown out the pain; being weak will only force them further apart.
He reaches his hotel, but receives a text before getting out of his car. It's Victoria.
"Johnny has been crying for you all day. Come over and you can put him to bed if you have time."
He quickly responds, "I'm on my way."
Victoria answers the door at his knock. She looks beautiful, but a little tired, wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a red tee, hair pulled back in a ponytail with no makeup except for a little lip gloss. Billy is a little scruffy, having worked all day at the restaurant. He had planned to shower and change, but decided to go straight to their home after receiving Vickie's text.
"HI" she says after opening the door and letting him in.
"Where's Johnny? " He asks, before seeing him on the floor in front of the couch. Billy walks over to his son, smiling. Johnny immediately reaches out to him and laughs, but Billy can still see the tears in his eyes. "What's wrong, Buddy? Daddy's here." Johnny responds by hugging his father, grabbing his shirt in his little hands and laying his head on his chest. Billy is amazed, having just seen Johnny two days ago. He didn't think his son, being so young, could miss him that much.
Victoria watches quietly, also realizing the toll their separation is taking on their son. Billy looks at her, thinking the same thing. As their eyes lock, Billy asks, "Has he really been crying all day?"
"Pretty much. Every time someone knocks on the door, he looks up. When he sees it's not you, he cries. It happened when Nick came by, then Mom and then with Abby. I had to call you and let you know"
"Thank you." Billy lifts Johnny up in the air until he laughs, then kisses him on the head. Looking at Victoria again, he says slowly, "Our son doesn't deserve to be this unhappy. Neither do we."
Victoria responds. "Are you unhappy?"
"Well, when you've spent time in heaven, anything less than that can leave you feeling empty. What about you? Are you happy right now?"
Vickie looks at Billy, her arms crossed in front, forcing herself not to reach out to him. "No. I miss my husband. The house is so quiet when Johnny is sleeping, and lonely. All I want to do right now is throw my arms around your neck and tell you to come home, but that's not going to fix what's wrong. You have to fix yourself, first, Billy or I'm afraid we'll never be truly happy again. I can't live with you, wondering if you're out somewhere gambling, not coming home. Or putting everything we have at risk. I can't live with that kind of fear. Right now, as much as I love you, I have to choose to be unhappy without you over the fear of being with you. " She said all of this very softly, tears forming in her blue eyes.
Billy sits down on the couch, still holding Johnny, and sees that he has fallen asleep. He places his cheek on Johnny's then carefully lays him down. He stands up and walks over to her, never taking his eyes off of her. "I know what I did was wrong, and I'm sorry, but that's not enough. I know that's not enough. I've been going to my GA meetings and haven't had a drink in seven days. That's still not enough. You're right; I have to do this for myself; I have to fix this. I want to fix this. I need to find out why. I need to know where this need, this addiction comes from; I won't beat it until I understand it. That's what I'm trying to do" Still staring into her eyes, searching for something, not sure what, he says, " You and I belong together, we belong to each other. I just want to ask you to be patient and not make any decisions about us, yet. Can you do that?"
They are standing there, so close, staring into each other's blue eyes. Billy reaches up and wipes away a tear from her cheek. Victoria shudders at his touch, but doesn't move away. Billy gently cradles her face in his hands, closes his eyes and kisses her softly. A surge of emotions flow through them, between them; Victoria sighs and pulls back from his kiss, unable to look into his eyes, knowing what she will see there.
She looks down, at the floor, anywhere except his eyes. Maybe he won't see how much she wants him, needs him, if he can't see her eyes. But he knows and understands why she pulled away. "Vickie, can you wait? I just need some time."
She finally razes her gaze to meet his. "I have to wait, but I can't promise how long. She pauses, "You will let me how you're doing, right? You will come to see Johnny, but it's probably better if I'm not here. I can arrange for Hannah to be here when you come. "
Billy sticks his hands into his pockets and nods his head in agreement. "I'll put Johnny in his crib." He turns and walks back over to the couch, gently picking Johnny up and heads towards the stairs, giving him the time he needs to get his emotions under control. Up to this point, he thought primarily about how much he needed her support in order to kick this addiction, but realizes she needs him just as much if not more, but not how he is now. He leans over the crib watching his son sleep. "I'm sorry, Buddy. I let you, your Mom, Delia and Reed down, the people who depend on me most. I love you more than anything and I promise you, I will fix this; I will fix me. I don't know how long it will take, but I will be here for you, for all of you."
Back downstairs, Billy finds Victoria sitting on the couch, the baby monitor sitting on the table in front of her. She had heard everything.
"Thanks again for calling me about Johnny. I'll call you tomorrow about setting up some time to see him. Would you mind if I bring Delia? She's been missing Johnny."
"Okay. Johnny will be waiting for you. So will I."
Billy opens the front door, preparing to leave, "I love you. Don't ever forget that."
"I know and I won't forget. I love you, too. Sometimes I wonder if you know how much."
"No, I don't wonder. You show me every day." He closes the door behind him, leaving Victoria alone, on the couch, thinking and smiling through her tears. She's glad they had stopped at the one simple kiss. It would have been so easy for them to make love; she wanted to feel him again. Her body as well as her heart craves him. But, instead, she was given hope, hope that he will succeed in overcoming his addiction and that they will be together again, as they are meant to be.
Billy, sitting in his car, marvels at his wife's strength. He knew that if she hadn't pulled back they would have made love; to satisfy that need they both felt, the need for that physical connection that's always been an important part of their relationship. He hasn't wanted any other woman since the first time they made love in the trailer and every time since that time has been more loving than the time before. "Not today, it's not time yet, but soon." he says to himself as he drives off, heading to tonight's GA meeting, hopeful that they will be together again soon .