Oh my Astral Prue, at the inventiveness of me! How many things will kt be able to rip off in her reign as Queen of the... Crapfest that is kt's fanfiction?
The ten contestants going into the big brother house are:
Piper Halliwell, Phoebe Halliwell, Paige Halliwell, Leo Wyatt, Cole Turner, The Source, Darryl Morris, Andy Trudeau, Jack Sheridan (Bucklands Guy - Bucko), Abbey Wannabe
It should be noted that the Halliwell women, while all having the same surname, are of absolutely no relation to each other.
Week One: Settling in
INT. BIG BROTHER MAIN ROOM. THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE IS DECORATED IN BRIGHT HARSH COLOURS, AND IS LIKE A CHILD'S DREAM. AND IT'S PLAIN FREAKY. WE SEE THE HOUSEMATES ENTER, CARRYING THEIR BAGS.
LEO: Wow, look at this place!
PAIGE: I LOVE the decor!
PIPER GOES INTO THE KITCHEN AND SHAKES HER HEAD.
PIPER: This place is not good.
COLE: Looks fine to me!
PIPER AND COLE SMILE AT EACH OTHER.
BUCKO: Let's check out the bedrooms.
PHOEBE: Wow look at all the bottles!
THE HOUSEMATES INSPECT THE SEVERAL BOTTLES OF WINE LEFT ON THE COFFEE TABLE, WHICH IS SURROUNDED BY TWO CORNER SOFAS SO ALL THE HOUSEMATES CAN SIT IN A CIRCLE. THERE IS A NOTE ON THE TABLE. ABBEY PICKS IT UP AND READS.
ABBEY: "Dear housemates. Enjoy your first night, Big Brother."
ALL: Oh, wow, cool etc.
PHOEBE: Thank you Big Brother!
ALL: Thank you Big Brother.
PAIGE: I think this is the girls bedroom.
THE GIRLS GO INTO ONE ROOM AND THE GUYS GO INTO ANOTHER. THE SOURCE FOLLOWS THEM, THEN SUDDENLY TURNS INTO A DIFFERENT ROOM. PAUSE. HE COMES OUT, TUGGING HIS HOOD UP.
SOURCE: Woops, bathroom.
HE GOES INTO THE GUYS ROOM.
CUT TO: GIRLS BEDROOM. THE GIRLS HAVE DUMPED THEIR STUFF ON DIFFERENT BEDS. THERE IS ONE EMPTY BED LEFT.
PAIGE: Is that supposed to be there?
PIPER: I dunno... is there another housemate coming in?
ABBEY: Maybe. Latecomer?
PAIGE: Surely she'd be here by now.
PHOEBE: Ooh! Double bed's mine!
PHOEBE STARTS JUMPING ON THE BED. PIPER LOOKS QUITE ANNOYED. PAIGE IS LAUGHING AT PHOEBE.
CUT TO: GUYS BEDROOM. THE GUYS ARE ENTERING.
COLE: Ooh! Double bed's mine!
SOURCE: No, it's mine!
COLE: I called it!
SOURCE: I am The Source! How dare you defy me?
COLE: Okay, okay, it's yours! Sheesh... no need for a rage trip.
DARRYL EXITS.
CUT TO: COFFEE TABLE. PIPER AND ABBEY ARE SITTING ON THE SOFAS, CHATTING. DARRYL ENTERS.
DARRYL: Hey girls.
PIPER: Hey... Darryl?
DARRYL: Yeah. You guys cracking open the wine?
ABBEY: It's like half six!
PHOEBE ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM.
PHOEBE: Hey. Have you seen the sizes of wardrobes they have in there? I've got like, nowhere to put my hats and I have a lot of them!
PAIGE: It's summer, why would you need hats?
PHOEBE: (through clenched teeth) I like, hats.
PAUSE.
PIPER: Okay! Who's for some alcyhol?
ALL: Woo!
TIME LAPSE. IT'S 10:47PM. THE HOUSEMATES ARE ALL SITTING ON THE SOFAS, DRUNK.
LEO: No, man, I'm serious! Is your first name 'The' or do you just like talking about yourself in the third person?
ANDY: Yeah, and what's with your hood? And cloak? Are you some sort of-
BIG BROTHER(OS): Will Piper please come to the diary room?
BUCKO: Uh oh. What've you done?
PIPER: Oh please... I'm sure, I'm sure it's just a little socializ...ization. Yeah.
SHE GETS UP AND SWAYS QUITE A LOT AS SHE MAKES HER WAY TOWARDS THE DIARY ROOM.
PAIGE: This is cool.
CUT TO:
INT. DIARY ROOM. THE DIARY ROOM IS A TINY ROOM WHICH CONSISTS OF A CHAIR WHICH FACES A LARGE CAMERA WHICH THE HOUSEMATES TALK INTO. PIPER ENTERS AND FLOPS INTO THE CHAIR.
BIG BROTHER: Hello Piper.
PIPER: Hello, Big Brother!
BB: How are you finding your first night in the house?
PIPER: Well, so far Andy has threatened to arrest me, Phoebe has tried to offload some of her hats on me - and they're pink! And woolly! But, you know, it's kinda okay! Keep the alcohol coming and we'll be one happy family!
BB: Anything to add?
PIPER: Um yeah, I'm not sure about the censorship deal in here. What can I and can't I do?
BB: Rules state housemates are free to do as they wish, except leave the Big Brother house and discuss nominations.
PAUSE.
PIPER: I see...
BB: Thank you Piper.
PIPER: Yeah no f*cking problem.
PIPER EXITS.
BB: How rude!
CUT TO:
INT. MAIN ROOM. THE HOUSEMATES HAVEN'T MOVED SINCE PIPER LEFT, THOUGH SOME ARE CONSIDERABLY DRUNKER.
LEO: It's... Piper!
ALL CHEER.
PIPER: Alright you f*cking b*tches move over and give me more f*cking wine.
HORRIFIED PAUSE. IT'S BETTER IF IT'S A 'HORRIFIED' ONE AND NOT THEM NASTY OLD PLAIN ONES, INNIT?
COLE: Sounds to me like you got yourself a problem there sweetie.
PIPER LOOKS MAD.
PHOEBE: Uh, calm down sweetie.
PIPER: *roars*
PAIGE: Woah there's no going back. She has The Rage.
BUCKO: I had that once, yep.
ALL LOOK AT HIM TO SEE IF HE'S GONNA CONTINUE THE STORY.
BUCKO: Got angry a lot.
PIPER: Taking your f*cking attention away from that bloody boring buffoon-
PHOEBE: Alliteration.
PAUSE. ABBEY SLAPS PHOEBE.
PIPER: IT'S NOT A F*CKING PROBLEM IT'S A HABIT - AND NOT ALL HABITS ARE BAD!!!
SILENCE AS EVERYONE TAKES THIS IN. THEN:
SOURCE: What is she talking about?
ALL SHRUG. PIPER GOES OUTSIDE. LEO FOLLOWS HER.
ANDY: So where were we?
DARRYL: Oh yeah. The weirdest place I've done it is...
CUT TO:
EXT. THE GARDEN. IT IS DARK AND PIPER IS STANDING ON THE WOODEN PORCH, HEAD CUPPED IN HANDS. LEO COMES OUT AND STANDS BEHIND HER.
LEO: Piper?
SILENCE.
LEO: Nice night. Can see all the stars.
LEO GOES OVER TO INSPECT THE CHICKENS.
LEO: See that black one there?
PIPER LOOKS.
LEO: I'm naming it SP.
PIPER: Which means...
LEO: Scarecrow Proo.
PIPER: What?
LEO: It came to me in a dream.
PIPER: I see. So. You think you can handle it okay in here?
LEO: Well, I don't get riled by other people much, but I can't say I like many of them so far.
PIPER: I know the feeling. Why did you come out here?
LEO: Oh, I'm just escaping the "Where's the weirdest place you've eaten an apple" conversation. I have this, uh, thing, with apples.
CUT TO:
INT. DIARY ROOM. THE SOURCE ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.
SOURCE: You rang?
BB: Hello Source.
SOURCE: The Source.
PAUSE.
BB: Hello The Source.
SOURCE: Evening Big Brother. How are you?
BB: How are you finding the house?
SOURCE: They keep picking on me for wearing a hood. So I might flame them to death.
BB: Expand.
SOURCE: Why should I have to? I'm The Source!
PAUSE.
BB: Okay. What do you think your chances of winning Big Brother are?
SOURCE: High. Out of all the crap people in here, I'm one of the most likable.
BB: Thank you The Source.
SOURCE: Au revoir.
CUT TO: EXT. GARDEN. PIPER AND LEO ARE STILL TALKING.
PIPER: It's gonna be weird. I miss my family already.
LEO: You have a family?
PAUSE.
PIPER: No.
LEO: Oh. Well, you never know - you could maybe walk out of here with one!
PIPER: Yeah, did you hear that the first couple that have sex in here wins seventy thousand bucks?
LEO: I have now!
CUT TO:
INT. DIARY ROOM. PHOEBE BOUNCES IN.
PHOEBE: Hello Big Brother!
BB: Hello...
PAUSE. WE HEAR THE SHUFFLING OF PAPER.
BB: Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Do you like my hat?
PAUSE.
BB: How are you finding it in the house?
PHOEBE: Oh my god Piper is soooo hot! I mean, wow! I just wanna dress her up in pink then rip it all off! Paige is pretty cool too, she's just like me - so it's like having two Phoebes!
CUT TO:
INT. MAIN ROOM. 1:54 AM. EVERYBODY IS THERE CHATTING, EXCEPT ANDY, COLE AND PAIGE WHO HAVE GONE TO BED.
ABBEY: I'm gonna have such a headache tomorrow.
LEO: Great start to the next 10 weeks, huh?
DARRYL: Wow. Ten more weeks. This is gonna be interesting.
SOURCE: Unless you get nominated and are out next week!
PAUSE.
PIPER: It's gotta be someone that goes though. But we're not allowed to talk about it.
BUCKO: How do you know?
PIPER: Well Big Brother told me.
PHOEBE: Did anybody else notice that Big BROTHER had a woman's voice?
ABBEY: Who cares.
PHOEBE PICKS UP A GUITAR. ALL GROAN.
SOURCE: Oh my god, every year!
PIPER: All the bloody previous Big Brothers there was a f*cking guitar. And the person who brought it just can't play!
PHOEBE: Don't worry!
SHE BEGINS TO PLAY IT. IT IS AWFUL. I MEAN AWFUL! SHE'S PLAYING SOME ALYSSA MILANO SONG OR SOMETHING, AND SINGING ALONG IN THAT MANGLED SQUEAKY VOICE OF HERS. PICTURE IT. GO ON. EW.
BUCKO: Nooooooooooo!
END.
NEXT TIME ON BIG BROTHER IT WILL BE THE NOMINATIONS WHERE TWO HOUSEMATES WILL BE NOMINATED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND YOU, THE PUBLIC, DECIDE WHO STAYS AND WHO GOES. BUT WITH A TWIST WHICH YOU WILL FIND OUT... HEH HEH HEH.
The ten contestants going into the big brother house are:
Piper Halliwell, Phoebe Halliwell, Paige Halliwell, Leo Wyatt, Cole Turner, The Source, Darryl Morris, Andy Trudeau, Jack Sheridan (Bucklands Guy - Bucko), Abbey Wannabe
It should be noted that the Halliwell women, while all having the same surname, are of absolutely no relation to each other.
Week One: Settling in
INT. BIG BROTHER MAIN ROOM. THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE IS DECORATED IN BRIGHT HARSH COLOURS, AND IS LIKE A CHILD'S DREAM. AND IT'S PLAIN FREAKY. WE SEE THE HOUSEMATES ENTER, CARRYING THEIR BAGS.
LEO: Wow, look at this place!
PAIGE: I LOVE the decor!
PIPER GOES INTO THE KITCHEN AND SHAKES HER HEAD.
PIPER: This place is not good.
COLE: Looks fine to me!
PIPER AND COLE SMILE AT EACH OTHER.
BUCKO: Let's check out the bedrooms.
PHOEBE: Wow look at all the bottles!
THE HOUSEMATES INSPECT THE SEVERAL BOTTLES OF WINE LEFT ON THE COFFEE TABLE, WHICH IS SURROUNDED BY TWO CORNER SOFAS SO ALL THE HOUSEMATES CAN SIT IN A CIRCLE. THERE IS A NOTE ON THE TABLE. ABBEY PICKS IT UP AND READS.
ABBEY: "Dear housemates. Enjoy your first night, Big Brother."
ALL: Oh, wow, cool etc.
PHOEBE: Thank you Big Brother!
ALL: Thank you Big Brother.
PAIGE: I think this is the girls bedroom.
THE GIRLS GO INTO ONE ROOM AND THE GUYS GO INTO ANOTHER. THE SOURCE FOLLOWS THEM, THEN SUDDENLY TURNS INTO A DIFFERENT ROOM. PAUSE. HE COMES OUT, TUGGING HIS HOOD UP.
SOURCE: Woops, bathroom.
HE GOES INTO THE GUYS ROOM.
CUT TO: GIRLS BEDROOM. THE GIRLS HAVE DUMPED THEIR STUFF ON DIFFERENT BEDS. THERE IS ONE EMPTY BED LEFT.
PAIGE: Is that supposed to be there?
PIPER: I dunno... is there another housemate coming in?
ABBEY: Maybe. Latecomer?
PAIGE: Surely she'd be here by now.
PHOEBE: Ooh! Double bed's mine!
PHOEBE STARTS JUMPING ON THE BED. PIPER LOOKS QUITE ANNOYED. PAIGE IS LAUGHING AT PHOEBE.
CUT TO: GUYS BEDROOM. THE GUYS ARE ENTERING.
COLE: Ooh! Double bed's mine!
SOURCE: No, it's mine!
COLE: I called it!
SOURCE: I am The Source! How dare you defy me?
COLE: Okay, okay, it's yours! Sheesh... no need for a rage trip.
DARRYL EXITS.
CUT TO: COFFEE TABLE. PIPER AND ABBEY ARE SITTING ON THE SOFAS, CHATTING. DARRYL ENTERS.
DARRYL: Hey girls.
PIPER: Hey... Darryl?
DARRYL: Yeah. You guys cracking open the wine?
ABBEY: It's like half six!
PHOEBE ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM.
PHOEBE: Hey. Have you seen the sizes of wardrobes they have in there? I've got like, nowhere to put my hats and I have a lot of them!
PAIGE: It's summer, why would you need hats?
PHOEBE: (through clenched teeth) I like, hats.
PAUSE.
PIPER: Okay! Who's for some alcyhol?
ALL: Woo!
TIME LAPSE. IT'S 10:47PM. THE HOUSEMATES ARE ALL SITTING ON THE SOFAS, DRUNK.
LEO: No, man, I'm serious! Is your first name 'The' or do you just like talking about yourself in the third person?
ANDY: Yeah, and what's with your hood? And cloak? Are you some sort of-
BIG BROTHER(OS): Will Piper please come to the diary room?
BUCKO: Uh oh. What've you done?
PIPER: Oh please... I'm sure, I'm sure it's just a little socializ...ization. Yeah.
SHE GETS UP AND SWAYS QUITE A LOT AS SHE MAKES HER WAY TOWARDS THE DIARY ROOM.
PAIGE: This is cool.
CUT TO:
INT. DIARY ROOM. THE DIARY ROOM IS A TINY ROOM WHICH CONSISTS OF A CHAIR WHICH FACES A LARGE CAMERA WHICH THE HOUSEMATES TALK INTO. PIPER ENTERS AND FLOPS INTO THE CHAIR.
BIG BROTHER: Hello Piper.
PIPER: Hello, Big Brother!
BB: How are you finding your first night in the house?
PIPER: Well, so far Andy has threatened to arrest me, Phoebe has tried to offload some of her hats on me - and they're pink! And woolly! But, you know, it's kinda okay! Keep the alcohol coming and we'll be one happy family!
BB: Anything to add?
PIPER: Um yeah, I'm not sure about the censorship deal in here. What can I and can't I do?
BB: Rules state housemates are free to do as they wish, except leave the Big Brother house and discuss nominations.
PAUSE.
PIPER: I see...
BB: Thank you Piper.
PIPER: Yeah no f*cking problem.
PIPER EXITS.
BB: How rude!
CUT TO:
INT. MAIN ROOM. THE HOUSEMATES HAVEN'T MOVED SINCE PIPER LEFT, THOUGH SOME ARE CONSIDERABLY DRUNKER.
LEO: It's... Piper!
ALL CHEER.
PIPER: Alright you f*cking b*tches move over and give me more f*cking wine.
HORRIFIED PAUSE. IT'S BETTER IF IT'S A 'HORRIFIED' ONE AND NOT THEM NASTY OLD PLAIN ONES, INNIT?
COLE: Sounds to me like you got yourself a problem there sweetie.
PIPER LOOKS MAD.
PHOEBE: Uh, calm down sweetie.
PIPER: *roars*
PAIGE: Woah there's no going back. She has The Rage.
BUCKO: I had that once, yep.
ALL LOOK AT HIM TO SEE IF HE'S GONNA CONTINUE THE STORY.
BUCKO: Got angry a lot.
PIPER: Taking your f*cking attention away from that bloody boring buffoon-
PHOEBE: Alliteration.
PAUSE. ABBEY SLAPS PHOEBE.
PIPER: IT'S NOT A F*CKING PROBLEM IT'S A HABIT - AND NOT ALL HABITS ARE BAD!!!
SILENCE AS EVERYONE TAKES THIS IN. THEN:
SOURCE: What is she talking about?
ALL SHRUG. PIPER GOES OUTSIDE. LEO FOLLOWS HER.
ANDY: So where were we?
DARRYL: Oh yeah. The weirdest place I've done it is...
CUT TO:
EXT. THE GARDEN. IT IS DARK AND PIPER IS STANDING ON THE WOODEN PORCH, HEAD CUPPED IN HANDS. LEO COMES OUT AND STANDS BEHIND HER.
LEO: Piper?
SILENCE.
LEO: Nice night. Can see all the stars.
LEO GOES OVER TO INSPECT THE CHICKENS.
LEO: See that black one there?
PIPER LOOKS.
LEO: I'm naming it SP.
PIPER: Which means...
LEO: Scarecrow Proo.
PIPER: What?
LEO: It came to me in a dream.
PIPER: I see. So. You think you can handle it okay in here?
LEO: Well, I don't get riled by other people much, but I can't say I like many of them so far.
PIPER: I know the feeling. Why did you come out here?
LEO: Oh, I'm just escaping the "Where's the weirdest place you've eaten an apple" conversation. I have this, uh, thing, with apples.
CUT TO:
INT. DIARY ROOM. THE SOURCE ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.
SOURCE: You rang?
BB: Hello Source.
SOURCE: The Source.
PAUSE.
BB: Hello The Source.
SOURCE: Evening Big Brother. How are you?
BB: How are you finding the house?
SOURCE: They keep picking on me for wearing a hood. So I might flame them to death.
BB: Expand.
SOURCE: Why should I have to? I'm The Source!
PAUSE.
BB: Okay. What do you think your chances of winning Big Brother are?
SOURCE: High. Out of all the crap people in here, I'm one of the most likable.
BB: Thank you The Source.
SOURCE: Au revoir.
CUT TO: EXT. GARDEN. PIPER AND LEO ARE STILL TALKING.
PIPER: It's gonna be weird. I miss my family already.
LEO: You have a family?
PAUSE.
PIPER: No.
LEO: Oh. Well, you never know - you could maybe walk out of here with one!
PIPER: Yeah, did you hear that the first couple that have sex in here wins seventy thousand bucks?
LEO: I have now!
CUT TO:
INT. DIARY ROOM. PHOEBE BOUNCES IN.
PHOEBE: Hello Big Brother!
BB: Hello...
PAUSE. WE HEAR THE SHUFFLING OF PAPER.
BB: Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Do you like my hat?
PAUSE.
BB: How are you finding it in the house?
PHOEBE: Oh my god Piper is soooo hot! I mean, wow! I just wanna dress her up in pink then rip it all off! Paige is pretty cool too, she's just like me - so it's like having two Phoebes!
CUT TO:
INT. MAIN ROOM. 1:54 AM. EVERYBODY IS THERE CHATTING, EXCEPT ANDY, COLE AND PAIGE WHO HAVE GONE TO BED.
ABBEY: I'm gonna have such a headache tomorrow.
LEO: Great start to the next 10 weeks, huh?
DARRYL: Wow. Ten more weeks. This is gonna be interesting.
SOURCE: Unless you get nominated and are out next week!
PAUSE.
PIPER: It's gotta be someone that goes though. But we're not allowed to talk about it.
BUCKO: How do you know?
PIPER: Well Big Brother told me.
PHOEBE: Did anybody else notice that Big BROTHER had a woman's voice?
ABBEY: Who cares.
PHOEBE PICKS UP A GUITAR. ALL GROAN.
SOURCE: Oh my god, every year!
PIPER: All the bloody previous Big Brothers there was a f*cking guitar. And the person who brought it just can't play!
PHOEBE: Don't worry!
SHE BEGINS TO PLAY IT. IT IS AWFUL. I MEAN AWFUL! SHE'S PLAYING SOME ALYSSA MILANO SONG OR SOMETHING, AND SINGING ALONG IN THAT MANGLED SQUEAKY VOICE OF HERS. PICTURE IT. GO ON. EW.
BUCKO: Nooooooooooo!
END.
NEXT TIME ON BIG BROTHER IT WILL BE THE NOMINATIONS WHERE TWO HOUSEMATES WILL BE NOMINATED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND YOU, THE PUBLIC, DECIDE WHO STAYS AND WHO GOES. BUT WITH A TWIST WHICH YOU WILL FIND OUT... HEH HEH HEH.