Mallory took the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Archer characters. Despite public appeal I'm doing another one of these things because I want to! HA HA HA HA! HA!
Ron Cadillac Presents Jack And The Beanstalk
"I swear why do Sterling and Lana think that they can up and just leave my granddaughter with me and I'll babysit her?" Mallory grumbled as she tried to read her paper in the living room.
"You haven't babysit squat!" Ron snapped at his wife. He was holding AJ and playing with her. "I'm the one who fed her. I'm the one who changed her diaper. I'm the one paying attention to her!"
"Well who told you to feed her so many times?" Mallory snapped. "No wonder she's getting so chubby!"
"Babies need to be fed more often than grown adults!" Ron snapped. "Not that you've ever fed this grown adult much but a lot of bull crap!"
"You certainly whine as much as a baby," Mallory went back to her paper.
"Okay Honey let Grandpa Ron tell you a story called Jack and the Beanstalk," Ron began a story to AJ. "Once upon a time there was an honest car dealer named Jack. He wasn't wealthy but he wasn't doing too bad either. He was pretty happy. Until he got married. To a woman who was never happy!"
"Oh goody! Another little fairy tale!" Mallory snarled. "More lies you're filling my granddaughter's head with."
"Anyway one day Jack was looking to sell a slightly used car that was just a tiny bit dented," Ron went on. "So he went to this guy he knew. A guy he knew from the old days. A real straight shooter. And he offered to take the car off Jack's hands for a good deal. See this guy was able to score some real magic beans."
"Oh please!" Mallory huffed. "Big deal. Krieger makes magic mushrooms in his lab all the time."
"Not that kind of magic!" Ron snapped. "Real magic. So Jack said yeah? Why not? I mean the car was pretty much a lemon anyway and it was just going to go to a chop shop down in Patterson. So he made the deal. All under the table. Tax free."
"However when Jack got home his wife threw a hissy fit," Ron went on. "See she thought just because she ran a spy agency she knew better than Jack! She said that the beans were a waste of money! Like she's one to talk!"
"Here we go…" Mallory grumbled.
"Oh it's perfectly fine for Jack's wife to go out and spend his hard earned money on things she wants!" Ron said in an acid tone. "Furs, jewels, fancy stuff that don't impress nobody! Not to mention the giant sinkhole she calls a business…"
"You just can't resist going right there can you?" Mallory barked as she looked over her paper.
"Oh yeah. She had no problem spending Jack's money to keep her agency full of coke eating gun shooting lunatics barely afloat," Ron went on. "But the one time Jack wanted to spend something on himself…She throws a tantrum!"
"You haven't seen a tantrum yet Ron!" Mallory warned.
"And let's not forget her son who she still pays for his apartment and his clothes and his bills even though he's over thirty. Not to mention that creepy butler she uses to spy on him! What the hell is that all about?" Ron asked.
"Oh for Christ's sake not this again!" Mallory snapped. "Woodhouse is a valuable employee…"
"Who you've had to bail out at least three times because he's a heroin addict!" Ron snapped.
"Oh so I should just drop a valued employee of over thirty years because he has a couple of tiny flaws?" Mallory snapped.
"He bit a lemur!"
"The damn thing was making a mess and he was going through withdrawals!"
"Speaking of withdrawals AJ, Jack's wife was ticked off and withdrew sex because for once Jack stood up for himself and did something that made him happy!" Ron went on. "But Jack didn't care! Because for the first time in a long while Jack felt like a man!"
"Oh give me a break!" Mallory spat out.
"Keep it up Sweetheart and I will," Ron growled. "A permanent break from this disaster of a marriage!"
"So AJ Jack's wife did the only sensible thing when her insensitive lout of a husband defied her!" Mallory snapped. "She threw out his damn magic beans out the window!"
"Which grew overnight into a huge giant beanstalk!" Ron said triumphantly. "Proving that Jack's wife didn't know Jack about anything!"
"I know you're going to regret those words Ron!" Mallory snapped.
"Oh what? You're gonna put me further into debt?" Ron snapped.
"You're not in debt and you know it!" Mallory retorted.
"Not for your lack of trying!" Ron snapped. AJ made some gurgling sounds. "So then Jack figured out that anywhere was better than hanging around the house. So he went up the beanstalk to see what was what."
"I'll tell you what's what you…" Mallory grumbled.
"He climbed up high into the sky and low and behold he came across a huge castle in the clouds," Ron went on. "And inside instead of a giant was a real rich ditzy dame. Unfortunately for Jack his wife followed him and then insisted he stay in the castle with the crazy dame along with a bunch of other crazy people!"
"Including a big fat giant hen that instead of laying golden eggs, ate cocaine all day!" Mallory grumbled.
"Cocaine that Jack's wife brought along!" Ron snapped. "Yeah that's way better than magic beans! Smart move!"
"It was part of a plan by the CIA…" Mallory protested.
"A stupid plan!" Ron snapped. "Just curious, what part of the plan was it to get Jack shot in the stomach by the Yakuza?"
"How long are you going to throw that in my face?" Mallory snapped. "It wasn't even my fault!"
"Nothing is ever your fault but stuff like that happens all the same!" Ron snapped.
"Hey what's going on?" Archer asked as he and Lana entered the room.
"Nothing! How did you get in?" Mallory snapped.
"The door was open," Lana told her.
"Ron! You forgot to lock the door again!" Mallory snapped. "Anyone could have come in here and robbed us blind!"
"You mean robbed me blind!" Ron snapped.
"So uh, how was AJ?" Lana asked.
"Oh she was a doll," Ron handed her to her mother. "Obviously she didn't inherit anything from her grandmother!"
"She's not going to inherit much else if you and the other idiots from the agency don't bring in any money," Mallory growled at Archer and Lana.
"Oh now you're concerned about money?" Ron snapped. "Hey AJ you know how that story ends? Jack races down the beanstalk. Cuts it down so he traps his wife and her crazy friends in that castle which gets blown up somehow. Then Jack goes to see his friend Mr. Divorce Attorney and he lived happily ever after!"
"Try it Ron and I'll make you pay so much alimony…" Mallory growled.
"Me? Ha! With all the dirt I know about you, you're the one who's gonna be paying me alimony!" Ron snapped.
"You're bluffing!" Mallory shouted.
"Try me! I've got my attorney's number on speed dial!" Ron snapped back.
"Okay we'll be going now," Lana gulped as she and Archer backed away. "Thanks again for watching AJ."
"You wouldn't dare leave me!" Mallory was facing off with Ron.
"Wanna bet? There's a city full of younger women who would be worth paying for!" Ron snapped.
"AAAAAHH!" Mallory shouted as she started throwing objects at Ron.
"AAAAAH YOURSELF!" Ron also started throwing things at her. This was the point that Archer and Lana let themselves out.
"We really should look into finding better babysitters should we?" Archer groaned as the sound of things breaking behind them was heard.
"Yup," Lana agreed.