So, I go the inspiration for this one shot ( repeat: a one-shot that will stay a one-shot for real this time! haha) after watching that Grey's commercial where it shows April earlier in the season talking to Matthew in the hospital chapel...you know, when she proposes to him? Well, when I first watched it I was upset because I was hoping this wasn't an indication for how April will choose on Feb 27.
This is a what-if April hadn't run into Jackson the day of her wedding and convinced him to come. I tried to make it end on the same note as 10x12, and just put my own spin on the events leading up to it. So let me know what you think about it. This is one way it could have gone.
Enjoy!
Bright Eyes
Jackson ran. His lungs burning, his heart pumping. His muscles being pushed beyond their normal abilities. Each organ, each system in his body was frantic...frantic to get him to his destination.
Jackson ran so fast that when he reached his destination, he slammed into the closed barn doors before he jerked the door open. As his eyes raked over the scene before him, he exhaled in frustration and crushing disappointment. He was too late.
The only people in the barn were two workers breaking down the site where April and Matthew had obviously just been married.
Oxygen entered his brain once more as his lungs furiously worked to bring him air, Jackson focused on something above him. Fluttering around the barn were butterflies. Jackson pursed his lips as reality hit him. She had done it then. She had actually finished waiting for Jackson and married someone who wasn't him.
In the deepest part of his heart, he had never believed that to be the ending of their story. April married to someone else. Underneath his facade of well wishes and happiness at their moving on with other people, he hoped that April could see just how much he cared for her. Loved her.
As a butterfly fluttered past his face, Jackson felt it. Something inside of him break. A small snap, but the pain and anguish it caused was...overwhelming. He was panting for air for another reason now. His heart beat in desperation of relief, but not from being physically exerted to the max.
A worker stopped rolling the floor runner up and came to him in concern.
Jackson couldn't even make out the man's words because he was breathing so heavily. He looked around as another sound caught his attention and he looked for the source. A somewhat whimpering sound. As a doctor, Jackson could tell when someone or something was in pain by the sounds it emitted.
As the worker urged him to a bench in the aisle and forced him to sit, Jackson realized the sound was coming from him. The worker that was helping him, suddenly called something out to the other worker and Jackson realized they thought he was injured in some way. He was, but it wasn't something a doctor could fix.
Well, that wasn't exactly true. April was the only doctor that could repair this damage. She was the only person that could heal this hurt. But she was no longer an option...she was... April Taylor.
Jackson noticed the man calling someone on his phone and Jackson knew he was calling for help.
"No," Jackson suddenly croaked out, "No, I...I am...I'm…." he tried to tell them he was fine, but he wasn't. And he never would be again.
Jackson had made up his mind. After Matthew's invite to his and April's wedding, Jackson had thought long and hard about what he wanted to do. This morning as he shaved, he had decided. He wasn't going. Not because he couldn't take seeing April marrying Matthew, but because...he just didn't want to.
As the day progressed, he had been fine, even happy. He had an interesting case, with his girlfriend on his service. And it always made him happy to help patients when he really liked them. Which he did. Jackson hoped that someday he would be as happily in love as the man he would be treating.
As he watched them interact, he couldn't help but be reminded of Sloan. Sloan had been a colleague, a friend, but most importantly, Jackson's teacher. He taught him more than just surgical skill in the field of plastics. He taught Jackson valuable life lessons.
As Jackson broke the news to his patient's wife, he felt...this feeling, this...disappointment and shame in himself. He felt like if Sloan were alive and here, he wouldn't be happy with him. He furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to process the feelings, but he couldn't.
As his wife began to sing to her husband, Jackson had to get out of there. He grabbed Stephanie's arm and gently guided her out.
"Was it something we did?" Stephanie asked worriedly.
"No, it's totally unforeseen. It's…" Jackson sighed as he struggled past the lump that was forming in his throat. He had another wave of disappointment and shame rush through him and he realized that he was scowling as he tried to pinpoint why.
"I lo…" Stephanie stammered out incoherently, bringing his attention back to her.
"What?" he said, focusing on his girlfriend, "What's that?"
Stephanie seemed to be going through some internal struggle and he wondered what she wanted to say. Suddenly she seemed determined and fixed her eyes to his.
"I love you," she whispered up to him through her thick lashes.
Jackson's mouth gaped and his mind went blank as he looked down at her, searching for the words. Did he love her? No. Could he…..? Jackson didn't know why he was struggling with the answer to that question. Could he one day love Stephanie? And not love her like a friend, but love her like his patient loved his wife. Like Sloan loved Lexie. Like Derek loved Meredith.
Jackson knew he was taking too long to answer Stephanie, who was now concerned and asked, "Jackson?"
Could he love her like that? The answer was no. It had to be. When you loved someone like that...loved someone so completely, you never had to hesitate or question if you did.
He looked down into Stephanie's worried eyes and it was like a flash. April. April and her big, hazel doe eyes looking at him the night of the storm with the same expression Stephanie wore now. Worried, nervous, scared. Waiting for him to answer her. But he never had, even though the answer to her question was something he didn't even need to think about. He loved her. It was something he didn't want to admit to her or to himself, but he knew it was true. Even then he knew.
As he looked at Stephanie, Jackson saw how both women laid it all out on the table for him and Jackson was doomed to flounder each time it seemed.
That night, he hadn't had the time to process what he wanted to say to April before Stephanie flew into the room and broke the spell between them. Now there were no interruptions as Stephanie waited.
"I...I am sorry," he whispered regretfully.
Stephanie looked crushed and her eyes welled with tears as a pained expression crossed her face. "That's uhh...disappointing," she said, trying to hold back a sob.
Jackson stood there silent, knowing he should say something, but he wasn't sure what.
"Well, we can...I don't want you to feel pressured to say it, I guess," Stephanie stammered out, grasping to handle the awkwardness, "I don't want you to say it, unless-"
"I meant it," Jackson finished for her. She nodded and Jackson could tell she was beginning to compose herself. He couldn't do this any longer. He couldn't give her hope in something that would never work.
"Stephanie," Jackson said gently, as he struggled to find the words, "I...I am sorry," he repeated.
She nodded and he continued, "I don't think...there is a future with us."
Stephanie flinched and tears pooled in her eyes once more as she looked up at him. "What?" she gasped out.
Jackson gently guided her to a vacant patient room and shut the door.
"I didn't know until right now," he said as he looked down into her face that was twisted in pain.
"I say 'I love you' and suddenly there is no future for us," Stephanie said between hiccups, "How...Jackson, I don't understand."
"I just...I know. I know I can never love you like...like you deserve," Jackson finished lamely.
Stephanie looked up at him for a moment, quelling her sobs as she studied him. "You mean, you could never love me like her. Like April, right?" she asked, her voice small. It was shaking with sadness and betrayal and Jackson knew he had done something terrible to her.
Jackson remained silent and it was all the answer she needed. She covered her face and let out her cries. He reached forward and tried to place a hand on her shoulder in comfort, but she jerked away and seethed, "Don't touch me. Get out."
Jackson stepped back, not wanting to run out on her and wanting to at the same time.
"Just go," Stephanie said weakly as she sank to the hospital bed as she began to cry harder.
Jackson sighed and left, leaning against the closed door feeling fucking lousy. He had hurt her and if he was honest, he knew early on that it would happen this way. That she would become invested in him, which he would never be able to reciprocate.
Jackson closed his eyes as he heard her muffled cries behind the door and he wondered what to do. Should he go back in there and try and comfort her? Would that make it worse? Should he go get Leah?
Suddenly it hit him. April. She was...today she was...that's when he ran. He didn't think about anything else but getting there. He needed to tell her.
As Jackson felt his heart break into a million pieces, he attacked himself. He hated himself for not speaking up when he had the million chances he had to tell April how he felt. She had even come to him and begged him to tell her a reason to give up Matthew. Why had he been so damn idiotic and let that moment pass. Pride. Hurt. Retaliation, wanting to cause her the hurt she had caused him...now the reasons all seemed so apparent to. Back then, he had masked it so well as being 'for the better' or 'for their own good' that even he had bought it.
No wonder April married another man today.
"Jackson?"
Jackson turned and the worker that was still debating on calling someone looked up in relief too.
Meredith walked down the aisle towards where he sat, still in his scrubs. As he looked down in his lap, he wondered how he even got here. Did he drive?
"What are you doing here?" Meredith asked, sitting next to him as the worker finished telling her he thought Jackson was having a mild heart attack.
"I...I'm late," Jackson said simply, rubbing the back of his head.
"Yeah," Meredith said, standing and walking up a few aisles to grab a clutch that was obviously left behind.
"But the reception is just getting started," she said, walking towards him. She stood in front of him as Jackson thought about seeing April right now. April Kepner, no more. She was April Taylor. Matthew's wife. Jackson didn't think he could bear that.
"I know she will be happy you came, even if you do look like crap," Meredith said with a small smile, holding her hand out to him.
Jackson sighed and took it. At least April would be happy to see him. Maybe that was all he could give her now. Love and happiness in the form of friendship. Before today, all he wanted was to be her friend again and now that he wanted her, all he could get was the platonic friendship he no longer wanted. The irony was not lost on him.
Meredith walked around the barn and there was the party, laid out beautifully outside in the middle of the field. There was a beautiful dance floor and from an old oak tree hung a half dozen crystal chandeliers, making it charming yet elegant.
Meredith ended up pulling him towards the crowd who all looked at him strangely as he walked among the suits, dresses, and gowns in just his scrubs.
Jackson's eyes swept for April and found her dancing around the dance floor, smiling as she swayed to the fast music. Matthew was awkwardly flailing next to her.
Jackson turned to Meredith who was smiling at the happy couple on the floor. He wanted to leave, but the feeling that Mark Sloan was there with him, haunting him, made him stay.
"Meredith," he whispered, "Can you do me a favor. Please?"
Meredith nodded and Jackson whispered in her ear what he needed. She pulled away with confusion on her face, but nodded when she noted Jackson's desperate look.
Jackson slowly got closer to the dance floor, waiting for his cue. Suddenly he heard it and walked towards the middle of the dance floor where April was now dancing with Arizona and Callie.
"April," Jackson said. She spun and her face lit up with surprise and happiness. April's eyes flicked over his scrubs, but she went to him and flung her arms around him. "I am so happy you came."
OOoohh you make me live…..
She pulled back as it hit her, "Hey this is our song! Remember?"
Whatever this world can give to me, it's you, you're all I see….
Jackson smiled and listened as Queen's You're My Best Friend filled the air. Of course he remembered it. He had just asked Meredith to get the DJ to play it. The song was almost prophetic to his and April's relationship.
Ah, you're the best friend that I ever had, I've been with you such a long time….you're my sunshine…
"Can I dance?" he asked nervously coughing, "With you, I mean?"
And I want you to know, my feelings are true, I really love you...
April smiled and nodded and he held his arms open to her and she stepped in them uncertainly, since it wasn't exactly a slow paced song. Jackson managed though and pulled her close to him.
I've been wandering around, but I still come back to you…
They eventually got a good rhythm and Jackson rested his cheek against hers as they danced. He listened to the lyrics, not wanting the song to end.
In rain or shine, you've stood by me, girl…
Jackson pulled back and looked down at April. He wondered once more how he could have been so blind. So stupid. All he needed to do was look at her. Really looked at her and know he loved her. And he had all along. April and Jackson had been through a lot and he wasn't sure when it had started, but he knew early on, even before the merger, that April was special. She was his home.
I'm happy at home, oooh you're my best friend….
April smiled up at him and asked, "What are you thinking?"
Whenever this world is cruel to me, I got you, you help forgive. Oooh, you make me live now, honey…
"I...uh," he said, coughing to clear his throat again, "Just about when we first decided this was our song." They had been studying for their boards, but had also been drinking, making any attempts at studying useless. The song had come on the radio and April got up and began to make pancakes as study fuel as she swayed to the song. Jackson had called out to her, "This is us. It should be our song!" She had laughed and agreed, singing along to the lyrics as she flipped the pancakes.
When things turn out bad, you know I'll never be lonely, you're my only one. And I love the things, I really love the things that you do….oooh, you're my best friend….
April laughed her infectious laugh and her eyes sparkled up at him as she remembered that night. It wasn't even a week later they had slept together for the first time.
Jackson felt his heart squeeze at the memory and he gasped in pain. "Jackson?" April asked concerned, "Are you okay?"
Jackson tried to enjoy this dance with her, but he couldn't. He knew Mark was with him now, forcing him to speak the truth. Jackson knew Mark would haunt him forever if he broke his promise to...to say it. To say he loved her.
"Do you need to sit? Something to drink?" April said, stopping from moving as she grasped his arms protectively.
You're my best friend, ooohhh you make me live, oooh you're my best friend….
Jackson shook his head as he pursed his lips together to keep the words in. She was married. He should let her be happy after all the bullshit he put them both through after breaking up with her.
"I…" he let slip out. Jackson sighed as he heard the final chords of the song.
April began to step out of his arms as she really began to get nervous.
"I love you, April," he blurted out, tightening his arms around her, "I always have."
April looked up at him, gob smacked.
"I love everything about you," he said, the words freeing something inside of him. Now that the truth was coming out, he couldn't stop them. And he was certain he heard Mark chuckling somewhere.
"Even the things I don't like," Jackson admitted, "I love."
"And I want you with me," he said as she shook her head at him in confusion, looking around the room as if this might be a prank or a joke being played on her.
"I love you and I think...I think that you love me, too," he said hopefully, looking down into her eyes for any indication that what he said was true.
April looked up at him flabbergasted, clearly not knowing what to say to him. "Do you?" he prompted.
April just needed to give him any indication. Say it. Say it and then they could go from there. She gasped, trying to catch her breath as she trembled in his arms.
Jackson felt eyes on them from a few directions, but he couldn't look away. April was the only thing that mattered.
So, what did you think? It's short, but I did have fun writing it. Anyway, if you haven't heard Queen's song You're My Best Friend, you need to. It is almost like it was written for Japril. Plus it's just an amazing song, sung by an amazing band. Thanks for reading and please leave me a review!
P.S. To all those following I Want You With Me, an update is coming soon!