Ikuya wished to be stronger.
Hiyori wished to loved.
Two stars colliding with different dreams and purposes. Everyday Hiyori felt his heart being torn just a little bit more. He finally remembered what it was like to smile, but lately that feeling was gone. He had not seen Ikuya smile in weeks now.
The past was rushing towards them, and there was no stopping it.
Hiyori's mind was only on what had happened. He was left, once again alone. Standing in the playground on that starless night, watching Ikuya's back as he walked away. How many times was he going to watch someone walk away from him? How many times could his heart handle it all?
There was no smile this time, just a single tear sliding down his cheek.
"...Ikuya," he whispered.
Ikuya would never hear it, he would never know.
He had no idea how long he stood there, Ikuya was long gone by now. Staring up, the sky was plain and dark. Why couldn't Ikuya believe in himself the way he did? He was so stuck in the past- and now pushing him away.
He couldn't lose his only friend… his first friend. But he also knew if he pursued Ikuya, it would only get worse.
He found himself walking, he was not even sure where or how long he had been walking for. The night was only getting dark around him as his mind spun in maddening scenarios. Had he lost Ikuya? Would Ikuya ever open his eyes and see?
Somehow, hours later, he found himself back at his flat. Falling into his bed, he stared at the ceiling.
The Little Mermaid turns to foam at the end of the story… Maybe that is me drifting away from Ikuya. All along I thought I was the Prince… maybe I am the hopeless Mermaid…
Even in his dreams, he dreamed he was the Prince saving the Little Mermaid. Though this mermaid was Ikuya. He cried knowing every step that Ikuya took caused him excruciating pain. "Stop walking! Let me carry you! We can break the curse!" he kept yelling in the dream. Though in the dream, the Little Mermaid kept running away from him. He could almost feel the pain in his own legs with every step Ikuya took. Even as the sea foam evaporated, the water on the ocean started to sparkles like the stars in the sky.
He woke up in a pool of sweat, his face wet with tears. He couldn't keep on like this. Turning over in his bed, he thought today would be a good day to skip everything and just wallow in his own self pity. Why not? Everyone else seemed to do it. Maybe it was his turn for once.
It had been two days since he had last seen Ikuya. Taking refuge in his flat, he would head out midday to the local convenience store- getting snacks and food. His phone was turned off, and he spent the days with the television on, but not watching it.
He had been so dependant of Ikuya and their friendship. Always worrying he would lose Ikuya, always worrying Ikuya didn't need him.
By the third day, he was sure Ikuya didn't need him anymore. HIs flat was a mess of snack wrappers, empty cans and dirty laundry. He just wasn't caring anymore. Curling up on his couch, he continued to let the television play on as he reread one of his many books.
Self pity- he knew that is all this was. Ikuya would never get over Nanase and the pain he caused him. A small part in the back of his mind knew this already, he just never wanted to admit it. He remembered the days when Ikuya smiled, when he laughed- when he enjoyed swimming.
Ever since that day with Nanase- it all changed. Hiyori couldn't remember when Ikuya last smiled, or even laughed for that matter. The ghost of the past are never left there it seemed. He was back being alone, but at least now, he didn't have to fake his smile.
A knock at his door went unanswered. He didn't even want to bother. They knocked again and he turned his television louder. He was not even sure what was playing, but he was beyond caring anymore.
A key in the door, then the familiar creek of it opening turned his attention to the figure standing there.
"Ikuya?" he asked.
"Where have you been?" Ikuya said, pocketing his keys. They each had keys to the other's place. It was easier that way for them.
Shrugging, he turned back to the television. Was no point in rehashing it all. It seemed it was all laid out in the playground that night. Hell, it replayed in his head over and over again.
"Are you not speaking to me now?" Ikuya asked, coming over to the couch, moving some laundry off and sitting down. "Your place is a mess."
"You can leave," Hiyori said, pulling his knees up to his chest and hugging his legs. It was easier to make himself as small as possible.
"What the hell, Hiyori?"
He couldn't look at Ikuya, it hurt too much. Those big brown eyes that showed all the emotion his face never did. There was so many moments Hiyori could remember getting lost in Ikuya's eyes.
"Come to practice," Ikuya said.
"Why? Just so I can watch you destroy yourself even more?"
"And that isn't what you are doing now?" Ikuya asked, lunging forward and taking him by the shoulders. It made him let his legs go as he was pushed into the back of the couch. Ikuya was staring right at him, challenging him with his big brown eyes.
Shaking his hands off, Hiyori turned away, he couldn't allow Ikuya to get to him again. "It doesn't matter what I do… I'm obviously not any of your concern…"
"What does that even mean?"
"Why don't you tell me?" Hiyori asked, this time turning to face Ikuya, his face no longer sad, anger filling his body. How dare Ikuya show up and just think all this was behind them. How dare he ask him to come back to practice! Was it just so he could watch him almost drown again?
Ikuya blinked, his expression not changing. Hiyori could feel his body shaking as he sat there. He knew Nanase was on his mind- hell he was on both of their minds.
"Is this still about Haru?" Ikuya whispered, this time backing away.
"Hasn't that what this has been?" Hiyori asked.
Shaking his head, Ikuya turned away from him. He couldn't see his eyes anymore- he needed to look back into Ikuya's eyes. That is how he would know for sure.
"I can't just forget… ok?" Ikuya whispered.
"You need too, it isn't doing you any good."
"You think I don't know this?" Ikuya asked, turning back to face him. His eyes were watery and a tear slid down his cheek.
"He doesn't deserve your tears," Hiyori said, whipping the tear away with his thumb. "You are a much stronger and better swimmer. You can-"
"-No!" Ikuya yelled, smacking his hand away.
"YES!" Hiyori said, this time pushing Ikuya back, holding him down. "You have worked too hard for someone like Nanase to come and ruin it all! We have worked too hard!"
"Yet you don't even come to practice," Ikuya hissed out.
"Because I can't bear to see you like this!" Hiyori exclaimed, his voice raising. "You think I want to see you destroy your times, mess up your strokes… and to… to…" He couldn't say it. Flashes of memories coming to his mind. Ikuya going under the water, not coming back up… the sea foam sparkling on the ocean from his dream.
"To what?"
Hiyori backed away, back to the other side of his couch, curling his legs back up, making himself small. The memories of it still haunted him- screaming Ikuya's name, thinking he had lost his friend. His dreams were riddled with nightmares in forms of a fairy tale and his own hell.
"Hiyori?"
He stared at the wall- ignoring Ikuya.
"Hiyori!"
"Just… go."
He felt Ikuya move off the couch, maybe he was leaving. Taking a deep breath, he felt his chest shake. His own tears falling from his eyes. Ikuya never understood just how much he meant to him. Ikuya always said he was alone- and it stabbed Hiyori more and more through his heart. He had always been there, by Ikuya's side. He would do anything for him. It kind of took him by surprise Ikuya even showing up- after… how many days?
He wished Ikuya thought more of him… hell! He wished Ikuya just thought of him. He was pretty sure he was only there today because another teammate mentioned he was gone. Ikuya was the type that was ok with being alone. He didn't need people.
Hiyori did. He sometimes hates that was all so one sided. He hated how everyone in his life was ok with just leaving him.
Ikuya moved in front of him, then leaned over him, staring down.
"You know I can't leave you like this," Ikuya said.
"You did the other night."
He knew what he said was out of anger, and he saw the hurt in Ikuya's eyes. A tear slipped down his cheek and he stood up. Staring down at him, Ikuya took his hand and pulled him up off the couch.
"That is not fair!" Ikuya hissed.
"Well guess what? Life is not fair!" Hiyori was breaking, he could feel everything inside of him shattering. "If life was fair I would not be sitting alone in my flat for this long before you came to see me! If life was fair I wouldn't be chasing some ghost from your middle school! If life were fair you would love me back!"
They both gasped and Ikuya stared at him. Ikuya looked away from him, his face red and his fist balled at his side.
"I said leave," Hiyori whispered.
Ikuya shook his head, then stepped forward, backing him till he was against the wall. Another step and Ikuya was in his face.
"This is not love," Ikuya hissed out.
"It can be."
Ikuya kept his eyes locked on his, another tear fell from his eye. Balling his fist, he slammed it into the wall next to Hiyori's head. It made him flinch. "What makes you even think I am even capable of love?" Ikuya asked.
"You were until Nanase showed back up."
"That's a lie!" Ikuya yelled. "Always dragging him into this!"
"Because it is true!" Hiyori finding his voice again, raising it to match the levels in Ikuya's voice. Dropping his voice again, he put his hand on Ikuya's shoulder. "You don't need him… you've never needed him."
"And you think I need you?"
It was the one thing he was most afraid of. He knew Ikuya could do this all on his own- he wanted to be wanted. He wanted to be loved. He wanted someone who wouldn't leave him.
Another tear was falling down his face. Grabbing The front of Ikuya's shirt, the tears continued to fall as he pressed his face into his shirt. Why didn't anyone ever just stay?
"Forget Nanase…" he choked out.
Ikuya stepped back, making him stumble where he stood. They stared at one another for a long moment before Ikuya turned and walked from the room. Hiyori fell to the ground, unable to see from the tears in his eyes.
"I do… I do need you," Ikuya whispered, too low for Hiyori to hear, before shutting the door.
All Hiyori knew was- Ikuya left him… again.
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